He's kinda wearing me down mentally.

[coolfactor79]

In general I'm more into women. I get that extra jolt from women and from a deeper level I can connect with women, whereas not with guys. Sexually I feel more strongly towards women as well, but I don't know I'd say for me the deeper feeling I get towards women is the crucial thing more than sex.

However, I am into guys, I can't say for sure I could do anything sexual. Honestly I dont know if I could actually go through with it. Something just seems off for me. Anyways, a friend of mine I've known for close to 10-years (met him on the net) is gay. And well I'll take the blame, but we have a lot of sexually steamed chats.

I enjoy it mostly and can get off, but there are times when it can be difficult for me to stay hard. Nothing to do with him, but a couple of times it was also really good I mean really good. One night we had a hot and heavy chat and I just exploded. Hell if I'm gonna be totally honest, nobody has ever gotten me off like that. Not another guy nor even a woman got me off the way he did that night.

So that does confuse me and by confuse I don't mean in terms of being gay. More in terms of can I actually be with him for real and not just on the net?

Despite how I got off that night, which again was the most amazing, I still have not only a stronger sexual attraction to women, but the deeper level as well. I've told him that he understands and he'll still try and engage me into chats. Sometimes it doesn't happen like last night and other times I feel like I owe it to him for even starting this in the first place.

He wants to hook up for real and I explained the situation to him, about my feelings towards women and how sometimes I do have trouble staying erect. He tells me, if we hooked up I wouldnt wanna be with women ever again. I asked him if he was serious or kidding and he said 100% serious.

I was like ok, but what happens if I come across a girl I'm really into? He said if you get horny over a woman just jerkoff have that fantasy and then you come back to me and I'll fuck you and you'll be happy.

Honestly, its starting to wear me down where I feel maybe I should just give into him and give it a try. If it doesn't work, cool we move on and the conversation is over.

Right now I couldnt get a date with a woman to save my life lol. So in some regards I am when horny over some girl jerkoff to her and be done with it since thats as close as I can get these days, so in a sense I'd be doing the same thing only aftewards I'd actually have someone to be with after.

I think it could work for a while, but in time I'd grow restless not being able to be with a woman. Being gay isn't an option. I cant just say fuck it ok I dont care about women anymore. But at the same time, he is wearing me down.

Like I said that one night was amazing. I was actually kinda suprised at how much I got off. For sure the best I ever had.

So maybe he's right? Maybe I can avoid the temptation of women and just have a fantasy and then go back and be with him.

I know I can never forget women for sure, but in a sense what he's suggesting is what I'm doing now.

Advice please. Give me an asnwer on what I should do. And if you feel I shouldnt how do I end things when even what I say about women and deeper feelings has no effect as he keeps trying

 

[looseliam]

What have you to lose? It sounds like you've someone who is understanding and willing so facilitate your exploration.

I say, give it a go and have fun!

 

[coolfactor79]

Got nothing to lose. But the thing is how can I ignore my deeper sexual and emotional feelings to women?

By being with him I'd have to do that. I couldn't be with a woman obviously. Sure he says its ok if I jerkoff with the fantasy of a woman as long as I'm only with him sexually.

But is that something that could really work? In a sense, its almost as if I'm chosing to be gay since I have to ignore my feelings towards women.

I mean I like him as a friend. I dont really have a deeper feeling towards him.

However, he is understanding in some regards. Maybe you're right

 

[bankside]

I think he wants a boyfriend. I think you want a kinky best friend that you can get wild with, but somebody who would not fall in love with you and somebody who is happy for you when you find the right woman.

Let him know if you change your mind about what you want.

 

[coolfactor79]

Yeah he could want something serious, but the thing is if lets say I say ok lets give it a shot.

I cannot fall for a woman. If I do nothing can happen cause I'd be with him. I've told him I have deeper and sexuel feelings towards women.

He says fine, just jerkoff to them and come back to me. Is it that simple?

 

[bma1983]

I'm going to go against the grain and tell you to leave him alone. You really shouldn't play with people’s emotions. He clearly likes you a lot. From want you wrote here and in your past threads you don't like him (romantically speaking). For you it's just sex. (And no one, man or woman, wants to hear that the guy they like is just using them for sex until something better comes along.)

Let him find a nice available gay guy and you should wait for a woman that has no problem with you playing with a guy every now and then.

 

[coolfactor79]

I dont think I've played with his emotions. Since I told him this a number of times about how I feel deeper towards women. I never said to him other wise.

I'll take blame in letting it happen, but he knew my feelings were deeper for women, he keeps telling me forget that and just have a fantasy and be with me.

He's said I'll make you forget those feelings and when you feel you need a woman, just jerkoff then be with me.

So I've never lied to him and made him think anything else.

 

[bma1983]

I dont think I've played with his emotions. Since I told him this a number of times about how I feel deeper towards women. I never said to him other wise.

I'll take blame in letting it happen, but he knew my feelings were deeper for women, he keeps telling me forget that and just have a fantasy and be with me.

He's said I'll make you forget those feelings and when you feel you need a woman, just jerkoff then be with me.

So I've never lied to him and made him think anything else.

Ok, so he's lovesick and delusional. He wants you, so he's going to say anything to get you to be with him. He's even willing to ignore your true feelings. Again, leave him alone. Now you have to act like the mature one. You say (or I get the feeling that) you would rather be with a woman. Don't get with this guy if you're going to wind up dumping him when a woman you like comes along. It's not right or fair.

 

[coolfactor79]

I tried to leave it alone, but I just feel bad. I feel as if I'm to blame for letting it this far. So I end up going down that road sexually. I feel like I owe it to him.

I just don't know. I feel sometimes I should do as he asks because I owe that much to him. But just to clear things up for anyone else. I never lied to him.

I have always been upfront, but he still says who cares. Have your fantasy, be with me. You'll prefer it in the end. His thing is hey I got you off so you enjoy it so no big deal

 

[bma1983]

I tried to leave it alone, but I just feel bad. I feel as if I'm to blame for letting it this far. So I end up going down that road sexually. I feel like I owe it to him.

I just don't know. I feel sometimes I should do as he asks because I owe that much to him. But just to clear things up for anyone else. I never lied to him.

I have always been upfront, but he still says who cares. Have your fantasy, be with me. You'll prefer it in the end. His thing is hey I got you off so you enjoy it so no big deal

If you've always been upfront with him as you say, without leading him on, then you don't owe him anything. Leave him alone.

 

[coolfactor79]

Well even though I've been upfront by going through with it havent I already lead him on though?

Really only have 2 options. End the friendship, which I would hate to do, cause we've known each other so long or give in and give what he says a try.

Lik I said I will take some blame for donig what I did on my end even if I was still upfront. No idea how to end it now

 

[bma1983]

Well even though I've been upfront by going through with it havent I already lead him on though?

Really only have 2 options. End the friendship, which I would hate to do, cause we've known each other so long or give in and give what he says a try.

Lik I said I will take some blame for donig what I did on my end even if I was still upfront. No idea how to end it now

Should you have had those sexy chats with a guy you really don't want to be with, a guy who's made it known that he wants you? Some will say yes. Others will say no. (I'm on the side on no.) But to your credit you were honest. So your friend is going to have to take some responsibility in this too. He knew or knows how you feel.

Why can't you two be non-sexual friends?

 

[ezwriter]

You shouldn't mess around with somebody just because they're hounding you so hard that you feel like you're being "worn down".

If you get with him in person, you should be doing it because you both want to, not because you feel like you owe it to him, or because he's laying a guilt trip on you, or because you had a couple of hot chats a few years ago.

It sounds like your gut instinct is telling you "no"...like there's something just not quite right about the whole thing for you. You should always listen to your gut.

Also, be forewarned:

If someone is extremely infatuated or in love with you, there's a chance that no matter how honest with them you are, they will hear what they want to hear, rather than what you're telling them. They might choose to ignore what you're telling them and instead look for little clues in what you say and do that they can then re-interpret in their minds into what they want to hear. That's why I think it's never a good idea to hook up with somebody who you suspect is overly infatuated with you, if you don't feel the same way about them. You could wind up in a very complicated, stalker-type situation. It's happened to me a couple of times.

 

[bankside]

Yeah he could want something serious, but the thing is if lets say I say ok lets give it a shot.

I cannot fall for a woman. If I do nothing can happen cause I'd be with him. I've told him I have deeper and sexuel feelings towards women.

He says fine, just jerkoff to them and come back to me. Is it that simple?

No it's not that simple and he's just wishful thinking. I believe you could have a fun time with him in person right now, and for what it is you'd probably both like it.

But look at this three years from now. I don't think you feel like you need to be his one true love.

Story time!!

So three years from now, you fall for the girl of your dreams. She says "lets go skiing and bring your friend and that guy he's dating. So you get a double room, all get along great, have fun on the slopes, have fun at the bar after, and then you're all back at the hotel. And the lights go out (or maybe they stay on depending on exactly how naughty your girlfriend is ) and you know what's going on in their bed, and they know what's going on in your bed.

3 years from now you're right where you want to be, on top of your woman, with nothing more than happy memories with this guy. You look over and you're happy for him and it all worked out for everybody. Right?

Can he say the same though? Is that what he wants or does he feel like second place? Would he look over and be just as happy for you or would it bug him?

 

[KaraBulut]

You've got a connection with this guy. Sometimes a connection isn't about sexuality or the plumbing of the two people.

If you want to do it, then do it. You shouldn't be pressured into it. You should do it only if you're comfortable trying it and you are ready to scratch that itch.

But honestly, the way that you're overthinking this points to the fact that you're not ready to do it. This isn't about his ability to "convert" you. It's about your fear of the slippery slope. It's one of those rare occasions when fear of success has more complications than fear of failure.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm gonna call bullshit on some of this story.

1. What exactly does "having deeper connection to women" mean? Yet you can't get a date with a girl "to save your life"?

2. How much actual sexual experience do you have with women? How many girlfriends have you had? How did those relationships go?


Because what I'm reading in your post is mostly a very strong "I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE OF REASONS!" vibe, and "OH MY GOD, I DON'T WANNA BE INFECTED WITH THE GAY!"

"Being gay" is an option. What you are is what you are, and doing or not doing something will not change you, it might just open your eyes to the truth. And the truth might very well be that you really do prefer women to men. There is nothing wrong with liking both genders, and there is also nothing wrong with preferring men. A lot of what you say in your opening post sounds to me like internalized homophobia - your "deeper connection" to girls and the rest could be totally true, OR they could be a result of your mental image of how bad it is to be gay.

So do yourself this favor and experiment. Trust me, everything in life that is done with every concerned party's consent is ok, and a valid way of living. Learn who you are, accept it and you will be happier for it. If that guy likes women more, then fine. If he likes men - take it from me, that's also pretty awesome One thing I can promise you is that if you are truly comfortable with who you are, you would NOT need to fool around with the opposite gender. If you are single, you can hook up with whoever, but if you are not, AND you are content with your partner (regardless of gender), you wouldn't need others. So address those issues first.


As for your friend, a part of me says you should go for it, but another part screams no. You should not be figuring stuff out for yourself with someone who has feelings for you until you have resolved your internal homophobia and are ready to accept the possibility of being in a potential relationship with him down the road. Otherwise it's just not fair to him. Weirdly enough, gay guys have feelings and dignity just as straight ones...

 

[coolfactor79]

Deeper connection is simple. I develop feelings deeper than pure sexual towards any woman I've ever liked. Some were only sexual, but some were more than that. As for dating any girl I've tried to ask out as turned me down. Or were in a relationship therefore nothing I can do.

If I were gay and didn't like women I would have zero problems saying that. What you see is what you get. I'm very private, but open. Meaning I don't go telling the world my life story, but if you wanna know simply ask.

I'm who I am for better or worse and at the end of the day if I'm happy thats really all that matters to me not what other people think.

Where in anything did I say anything negative about being gay? So what mental image of gays do I have? I have many friends, some are gay some are straight. I see nothing wrong with either of them. So I really dont understand your mental image of gays. Nowhere did I say there is anything wrong with it. As stated I have plenty of friends who are straight and that are gay. And for my friends that are gay I see them no differently than my straight friends.

As for fooling around with the same or oppostie gender because I am uncomfortable again not really sure where you are getting that from. I'm more than comfortable with who I am. As I said before I am who I am for better or worse.

I'll go back to something about the deeper connection. Cant really explain it, but if there is a girl I like, I might get a little shy I get that nervous feeling in my stomach. I'll try some how to make some kind of contact. I get that extra jolt deep inside from them.

As for the guy I brought up in my post, I don't get those feelings at all. I've known him a long time and deeply care about him. But I don't care about him in that I love you more than a friend kinda way. Cannot feel that towards him and its nothing to do with him. Nothing he's done wrong.

Next time though don't accuse me of being in some kind of denial or having some kinda negative image towards gays. Ask first don't just assume something.

All I was doing was asking a question on if I should maybe reconsider. Someone else on the thread said move on. I explained my feelings before, but he keeps saying what I stated in my first post even aftwards. I will take some of the blame as I said, but after a while I start getting worn down and feel maybe I should just because I owe it towards him.

I'm gonna call bullshit on some of this story.

1. What exactly does "having deeper connection to women" mean? Yet you can't get a date with a girl "to save your life"?

2. How much actual sexual experience do you have with women? How many girlfriends have you had? How did those relationships go?


Because what I'm reading in your post is mostly a very strong "I AM NOT GAY BECAUSE OF REASONS!" vibe, and "OH MY GOD, I DON'T WANNA BE INFECTED WITH THE GAY!"

"Being gay" is an option. What you are is what you are, and doing or not doing something will not change you, it might just open your eyes to the truth. And the truth might very well be that you really do prefer women to men. There is nothing wrong with liking both genders, and there is also nothing wrong with preferring men. A lot of what you say in your opening post sounds to me like internalized homophobia - your "deeper connection" to girls and the rest could be totally true, OR they could be a result of your mental image of how bad it is to be gay.

So do yourself this favor and experiment. Trust me, everything in life that is done with every concerned party's consent is ok, and a valid way of living. Learn who you are, accept it and you will be happier for it. If that guy likes women more, then fine. If he likes men - take it from me, that's also pretty awesome One thing I can promise you is that if you are truly comfortable with who you are, you would NOT need to fool around with the opposite gender. If you are single, you can hook up with whoever, but if you are not, AND you are content with your partner (regardless of gender), you wouldn't need others. So address those issues first.


As for your friend, a part of me says you should go for it, but another part screams no. You should not be figuring stuff out for yourself with someone who has feelings for you until you have resolved your internal homophobia and are ready to accept the possibility of being in a potential relationship with him down the road. Otherwise it's just not fair to him. Weirdly enough, gay guys have feelings and dignity just as straight ones...

 

[Rolyo85]

Didn't answer my second question though. Also, gay guys can be attracted to girls. It's not black and white as you seem to think.

I never accused you of anything. Internalized homophobia is not a conscious process, and it has nothing to do with your conscious opinions about gays. I was also a great supporter of gays and gay rights and everything gay while I was in the closet, and the thought of actually BEING one still horrified the shit out of me. At least for me it was more clear as I am on the extreme end of the spectrum - NO interest for girls WHATSOEVER. It's much less clear for people closer to the middle who do legitimately have attraction and feelings for both genders.

You may be angry at me, but the truth is, I've been here a while now, and there are so many topics addressing the same issues that one begins to see patterns. Certain things people say or don't say, the way they (don't) say them, certain situations they find themselves in again and again, the feelings those situations provoke in them... So when I see those, I call people on it. You are free to ignore me as of course it is perfectly possible that I'm wrong. But I have no agenda here. Not trying to turn you to the "homosexual lifestyle" or anything.

I'm just saying "I have sexual feelings for guys, but not romantic, those I only have for girls" 97% of the time translates as "I'm subconsciously repressing the potential for feelings for guys because I don't wanna be gay and I wanna be with girls". Very few people are worried about liking their own gender. What worries them is having to live a non-heteronormative life. To be out as a homosexual. I know that's what freaked me out before I came to terms with it.

 

[coolfactor79]

If I were gay I'd have zero problems coming out. I told you I'm open and honest and I would never live any lie. That goes for anything not only sexuality.

I get what you're saying and I'd agree with you to a certain point. Some people might be freaked out by the thought whereas others wouldn't.

As for your 2nd question. A couple. Not Wilt Chamberlin or anything like that lol.

But regardless of if I've had sex with zero women or a million I don't see how that matters. Some people wait until marriage or at least until their in love. So should we all assume they're really gay?

So I don't see how any of that in the end really matters. Anyways, I'm not gonna make myself miserable due to what society deems normal. I won't allow anybody or thing to make me feel bad about myself.

 

[coolfactor79]

Should you have had those sexy chats with a guy you really don't want to be with, a guy who's made it known that he wants you? Some will say yes. Others will say no. (I'm on the side on no.) But to your credit you were honest. So your friend is going to have to take some responsibility in this too. He knew or knows how you feel.

Why can't you two be non-sexual friends?

We can maybe. If we're chatting about something, he as of late steers the conversation into something sexually. It could be the most random of conversations and nothing to do with that. So from what I can gether is at this time in the friendship, if its not sexual then its like a breakup in a sense. Best way I can describe.

Perhaps no hard feelings, but not much of a frienship anymore