He's Young, Not out and I've fallin for him...

[newyorkandparis]

ok here goes.

I was at a friend's Job helping with a project and I met the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life. We had one of those slow motion movie moments and I said hey he said hey. He was the new guy in the office we'll call him Sean I introduced myself we talked a little I finished my part of the project and went to my friends office which is in a building across the street and I asked he for all of the Intel she has on this guy Sean... She said he was new and 23 and a really sweet kid and I couldn't sleep with him because he was too young (Im 28) and I'd probably break his heart and she would have to look at him every day. So I said ok I'll leave him alone. 30 later he returned to the office and when he saw me he smiled. He hung out around my friends office door so everytime I came out or was near the door we'd talk for a little while but I remembered the warning. So for the next month everytime I was in the office I'd see him and we'd talk a bit but I really tried to avoid him not really because of my friends warning but because it just felt like time slowed down when we were in the same room such a strange feeling... Like a magnet was between us. One of their coworkers was having a birthday party and insisted I come when I arrived the only seat was next to sean I tried to avoid talking to him other than a basic greeting but my friend had to leave early which ment I was now alone with Sean and a bunch of drunk people. So we started to talk and it turned out we had a lot in common we're both Muscians ect... so when I left he asked for my #.
we didn't talk except for in the office but on thanksgiving I sent him a message and we started to chat a little. eventually I asked him to have dinner and we went to my favorite place in chinatown. after we walked on the brooklyn bridge it was all really nice. we talked for a long time and he kept getting close so I thought he wanted me to kiss him so I went in and he said he wasn't ready for anything like that yet and was that cool I said sure... and we kept talking eventually we split and went home. from that day on we had a constant text conversation going we talked about everything day and night it felt get to connect like that. then he disappeared for 3 days and when he came back he said he was sorry and he was over thinking things he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and I said ok lets work on our friendship and see where it goes from there he agreed and we started to talk again all the time. after a few weeks of great communication he vanished again... a week later I was in the office and pretty pissed to see him he came up and said I don't know if you've been trying to text me but I broke my screen and I can't see any texts and the handed me his broken phone. so from then on we'd write on FaceBook or we'd talk on the phone at night.
I was having a party for a project I put together and he came. at the party I told him that despite my reservations I'd decided I wanted to be his Boyfriend in the near future so he should get used to the idea *Bold Move*.
He said he liked the idea and he would take some time to get used to it I let him know this wasn't optional and we both laughed and I walked away.
from that day we started to speak every night and we made plans to have dinner the next week. one night we had a 2 hour long conversation that got pretty deep.... and the next day he vanished again.... 2 weeks of silence then he sent me a message before valentines day I sent him one back kinda chewing him out for vanishing again... and radio silence... (sorry it's so long)

 

[evanrick]

i wouldnt be chewin him out anymore unless ur face is between his buttcrack.

 

[Rolyo85]

The boy is conflicted. You should be addressing his issues and trying to help him through them instead of talking to him about being boyfriends. You are being extremely selfish here.

 

[altlover85]

I would move on. Clearly he's not ready for a relationship, even if he does want one with you, which I don't think is clear one way or the other based on the information you've given.

I think being a friend to him at this time is a better move than trying to force a romantic relationship.

 

[lg7979]

I think what rolyo is saying is right. I mean I feel like I can totally sympathize with "Sean", not being out and extremely unsure about relationships. Maybe you should talk to him about it but, if you do, be gentle and don't keep mentioning how you want to be his boyfriend as it will probably just make him run again until you have talked it out.
I hope that was at least semi-coherent and helped, if just a little.

 

[newyorkandparis]

Thanks LG

there's a lot more detail to the situation but it's already a very long read.
thanks for your advice guys.

 

[swerve]

I suspect that you have discussed the stuff mentioned above during your nightly phone calls, etc...

I think you are handling things EXTREMELY well -- and your "bold move" was appropriate and well timed...

Ultimately, the ball is in his court...

I am worried about his "vanishing tricks" however...

Best of luck -- and keep us posted!!!

 

[newyorkandparis]

so he's back... And he's ready to talk and he sounds like he's in good sprits. We'll chat tomorrow tho I need a day to get my thoughts together. I'm totally ok with being a friend and Mentor but it's really hard to hold back the feelings I have beyond that but I'm going to try to take it easier for a while. I'm a go getter by nature so I see a goal and I attack it until it's accomplished. Beating around the bush and wearing kid gloves are not my specialty at all so it's a learning process for me also... I'm trying :/ thanks guys for weighing in.

 

[Seasoned]

I think you ought to be who you are and let him be who he is. You don't have to sign on as his guide to the gay world. Chances are you will not have a ltr with someone who is stilling struggling with his identity, but unless you are willing to see him fall for someone else while he comes in and out of your life, I think it's time for you to get some clarification as to his mini disappearances.

At such time you'll have a better understanding of what you might want to do in regards to him.

 

[Rolyo85]

He is at the phase where a kiss is too much. Stop making it about you. Being a go getter has nothing to do with it. Trying to become boyfriends with a guy who is that early in his development at accepting himself is like trying to have sex with a 10-year old kid. You come off as a predator.

He is not available to you in that capacity. Don't do him any favors by trying to keep your urges in check, but rather decide if you can rise to the occasion and help him. Cause if you'll keep prodding, and looking for signs that he is ready to jump on the love boat with you, that's again exclusively about you, and completely ignoring the fact that there is another human being in the equation.

 

[Just_Believe18]

He's young...

Uh oh.

Not out...

Not good!

and I've fallen for him...

Even worse!

Well, this guy has a lot of things to work out. He's younger than you and hasn't even begun to accept his feelings. You're meant for a guy who has his shit together. I've gone down this road many times. I attract all the newbies, and if there's one thing you need to remember it's this: You're a stepping stone to their journey. You won't be the life partner you want in their life. You'll help them grow and become the man they need to be, but it will never last beyond anything as an ex you're "good friends" with.

He'll come around, but your confidence as a settled gay man will scare him away. Let someone else be there at the right moment to take his cherry and be that puppy love boyfriend that he eventually breaks up with, has his rebounds, then moves from dating to relationships until he's ready to have a serious life-long relationship.

 

[newyorkandparis]

@Rolyo thanks for forgeting that I am also a human Being with feelings in this equation. I'm not preying on some little kid seriously thanks for flaming when I asked for help.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am giving you outside perspective. Just because you don't like the image I've painted, doesn't mean I'm flaming. You come off as preying on him. I realize you have feelings, but the one thing that shows our level of maturity is how we react when our feelings are inappropriate to a situation.

You can choose to be offended by what I said, or you can try and see if I might be right. People who post here regularly will tell you I am not in the habit of attacking those seeking help just for the fun of it.

 

[jawswho]

Your only 5 years older? I guess it depends on the person. I've dated guys way younger than me and each one of them had a different maturity level and the age number didn't really matter. Just my two cents...

 

[newyorkandparis]

I am giving you outside perspective. Just because you don't like the image I've painted, doesn't mean I'm flaming. You come off as preying on him. I realize you have feelings, but the one thing that shows our level of maturity is how we react when our feelings are inappropriate to a situation.

You can choose to be offended by what I said, or you can try and see if I might be right. People who post here regularly will tell you I am not in the habit of attacking those seeking help just for the fun of it.

You are 100% wrong in this case. It's very easy to stand up on your soap box online... There are so many details to this very complex situation and your only answer is be a tour guide or you're a villain.... Ugh... I remember why I don't post now.

 

[Rosko69]

Ok, stop with the fighting.
5 years isn't that much older and maybe you should have made yourself clear from the beginning when you met him. I often found myself to lose interest in a guy I liked just cause he was acting coy and wanted endless conversations before making an actual move. You have to understand that young guys have ADD and you need to move quickly before someone else does.

 

[newyorkandparis]

Ok, stop with the fighting.
5 years isn't that much older and maybe you should have made yourself clear from the beginning when you met him. I often found myself to lose interest in a guy I liked just cause he was acting coy and wanted endless conversations before making an actual move. You have to understand that young guys have ADD and you need to move quickly before someone else does.

I've been really clear this whole time. He said he wanted to move slow and he's never dated anyone and he just got used to the idea he would be alone.
his dad is a Pro Athlete so there's a ton of layers to the situation...
He back again we talked last night and he told me he was free today... I'm confused my first instinct is to be there for him... But how long before he vanishes and I feel like crap again...?

 

[Rolyo85]

I post based on what information you're giving. If there are more layers to it, add them here or don't get offended if you don't like the responses you're getting. I'm beginning to think you only made the topic so that people will reinforce what you want to do.