Heterosexual Privilege

[chimere]

Let's face it - it's easier to be straight and live a life of heterosexuality. Now personally as a gay dude I'm finding it easier for bisexual guys to play around with gay guys (with nothing serious) and do the relationship talk with the girls (serious play).

Then there's cases of life I've stumbled upon, like finding out some people I knew were bi from them having profiles on hookup sites. Of course, they passed off, and played as completely straight guys. Ironically (or appropriately) they were sporty dudes too, with quite the attitude.

So how do you bi guys defend yourself - because I know it's a hell of a lot easier for your family/friends/society to see you as a straight man in a straight relationship as opposed to a could-be-straight but is currently-fucking-a-guy sort of person. How do you deal with this power inequality? Either way you seem to be upsetting the gays and the straights. And as a gay guy it makes me insecure of ever going out with a bi guy knowing that he might possibly snap and run off to an easier life where his sexuality isn't ridiculed, knowing I can't compete with a girl.

 

[Piquechampion]

Well yeah, that´s basically true. Myself, even tho I don´t connect emotionally with women, probably will end up married and with family. It´s just easier and more socially acceptable that way, specially where I come from. Easier on me, on my family, on my finances, on everything.

 

[tavares]

I've always wondered this myself. I'm in a situation where a friend of mine is playing both sides of the fence. He's in a "relationship" with this girl, but at the same time, he shows no interest in her. Hangs around a gaggle of other guys who have zero interest in females (not that there's anything wrong with that), and tends to leave her to her own devices more times than not. He only trots her out for special occassions.

Now, he knows I have a crush on him, and we go back 22 years. He'll flirt with me and allow me to flirt with him so on and so forth... but still, lives under the "straight" guise.

It's my fault for mainly persuing or being attracted to bi and bi-curious guys -- but I always tend to resent their ability to have it NOT be such a big deal, because they're able to live life under "heterosexual privilege," and still get some satisfaction. While I would rather dance naked with Larry King before I touch a dreaded vagina just to keep up appearances.

Well yeah, that´s basically true. Myself, even tho I don´t connect emotionally with women, probably will end up married and with family. It´s just easier and more socially acceptable that way, specially where I come from. Easier on me, on my family, on my finances, on everything.

Exactly! Exactly! My aforementioned friend told me basically the same thing word for word. He doesn't emotionally connect with women, but sees himself married with sons (he doesn't want daughters).

 

[Piquechampion]

Exactly! Exactly! My aforementioned friend told me basically the same thing word for word. He doesn't emotionally connect with women, but sees himself married with sons (he doesn't want daughters).

Well I don´t desperately want kids, but I wanna fit in in my society. Have the same joys and privileges than my friends, have what it is there a ¨normal life¨.

But hey, it´s not that bad, even if I don´t love madly my future wife... we still can build our relationship on good, solid friendship.

 

[kayman23]

Like hell I will just for an "image"! I will only be marry if I am in love, and only if. I could give a rat's ass what my parents, relatives, or friends think about how I wind up with as long as I'm happy. I don't know if I will wind up with another guy or a woman.

I'm sorry if you marry a women just to keep up an "image" then you are sentencing yourself and your family to a very sad life.

 

[Kigan2006]

I considered myself bisexual, although i've changed it because it has been quite some time since I felt attracted to a woman. I don't care if the person I marry is male or female, because I will only marry someone I love and to hell with appearances. Love is love, you can fake it all you want but you won't be happy.

 

[Auburn]

Well I don´t desperately want kids, but I wanna fit in in my society. Have the same joys and privileges than my friends, have what it is there a ¨normal life¨.

But hey, it´s not that bad, even if I don´t love madly my future wife... we still can build our relationship on good, solid friendship.

Why does it matter what your society thinks? Don't think just because you have a wife and kids that you will be happy. Alot of bi guys have went down that road only to figure out that they really want to be with a man. Even though society accepts them, they are killing themselves deep down inside because they are living for somebody else. Just remember...what is normal for someone else is not normal for you.

I hate it when bi/gay guys try to use the wife and kids as a "shield". This is a type of self-loathing that gives straight people an easy avenue by which to condemn the "gay/bi lifestyle". Then we wonder why straight people dont accept us

 

[JerryBoyz]

I'm bisexual, and I don't think I have to "defend" myself to anyone. I am, and I think have and will always be, sexually attracted to men and women the same, however, I feel a more emotional, romantic connection to women. Hence why I have a girlfriend. It's not out of some sort of "easy way out" or "self-loathing" it's the way I feel. I AM allowed to be identified as a bisexual even though I am currently in an exclusive relationship with a girl can I not? Or is that not allowed either?

 

[glo-unit]

I'm interested about your married friends that can't come out as Bi. What, are their wives homophobic, do they believe a Bi man will want to be allowed to cheat with men? I just find it incredibly odd.

 

[daydreamer27]

Well yeah, that´s basically true. Myself, even tho I don´t connect emotionally with women, probably will end up married and with family. It´s just easier and more socially acceptable that way, specially where I come from. Easier on me, on my family, on my finances, on everything.

Why do you want life to be easy? Easy and unhappy, I guess.

 

[daydreamer27]

Let's face it - it's easier to be straight and live a life of heterosexuality. Now personally as a gay dude I'm finding it easier for bisexual guys to play around with gay guys (with nothing serious) and do the relationship talk with the girls (serious play).

Then there's cases of life I've stumbled upon, like finding out some people I knew were bi from them having profiles on hookup sites. Of course, they passed off, and played as completely straight guys. Ironically (or appropriately) they were sporty dudes too, with quite the attitude.

So how do you bi guys defend yourself - because I know it's a hell of a lot easier for your family/friends/society to see you as a straight man in a straight relationship as opposed to a could-be-straight but is currently-fucking-a-guy sort of person. How do you deal with this power inequality? Either way you seem to be upsetting the gays and the straights. And as a gay guy it makes me insecure of ever going out with a bi guy knowing that he might possibly snap and run off to an easier life where his sexuality isn't ridiculed, knowing I can't compete with a girl.

That might only apply to the category 3 bisexual males ( of Ralph's 16 different ways of bisexuality).

 

[Auburn]

I'm bisexual, and I don't think I have to "defend" myself to anyone. I am, and I think have and will always be, sexually attracted to men and women the same, however, I feel a more emotional, romantic connection to women. Hence why I have a girlfriend. It's not out of some sort of "easy way out" or "self-loathing" it's the way I feel. I AM allowed to be identified as a bisexual even though I am currently in an exclusive relationship with a girl can I not? Or is that not allowed either?

I didn't say that it is an easy way out or self-loathing for all. It is for the ones who really want to be with someone of the same sex or is more attracted to the same sex, but won't pursue relationships with them because they think getting into a hetero relationship is going to please society. I dont get it....I will never understand why it is SO crucial for people to HAVE to fit into the WHOLE society. Why does it matter? Just because you are doing something society approves of, does not mean you are going to be happy. Many people try that route all the time and realize they are not happy cause they are living for someone else...anyway, back to the topic....


Since you feel a more emotional connection to women, it is right for you to be with a woman. Don't worry....you are still bi, whether you are single, in a relationship with a man, or a relationship with a woman. There was no need to get offended by what I said...not every bi guy who is in a relationship with a girl is using it as an easy way out.You totally misunderstood my post

 

[JerryBoyz]

I didn't say that it is an easy way out or self-loathing for all. It is for the ones who really want to be with someone of the same sex or is more attracted to the same sex, but won't pursue relationships with them because they think getting into a hetero relationship is going to please society. I dont get it....I will never understand why it is SO crucial for people to HAVE to fit into the WHOLE society. Why does it matter? Just because you are doing something society approves of, does not mean you are going to be happy. Many people try that route all the time and realize they are not happy cause they are living for someone else...anyway, back to the topic....


Since you feel a more emotional connection to women, it is right for you to be with a woman. Don't worry....you are still bi, whether you are single, in a relationship with a man, or a relationship with a woman. There was no need to get offended by what I said...not every bi guy who is in a relationship with a girl is using it as an easy way out.You totally misunderstood my post

Alrighty then. Apologies for misinterpreting your statement.

 

[RRRalph]

I know it's a hell of a lot easier for your family/friends/society to see you as a straight man in a straight relationship as opposed to a could-be-straight but is currently-fucking-a-guy sort of person.

Either way you seem to be upsetting the gays and the straights. And as a gay guy it makes me insecure of ever going out with a bi guy knowing that he might possibly snap and run off to an easier life where his sexuality isn't ridiculed, knowing I can't compete with a girl.

Friend of mine is playing both sides of the fence. He's in a "relationship" with this girl, but he shows no interest in her. He doesn't emotionally connect with women, but sees himself married with sons.

It is easier to live as a straight man in a straight relationship. Bisexual men can choose for that, cuz we have an attraction to both gender. There is nothing weird on that. It falls within the attraction range.

It becomes weird when someone is having a relationship with a woman he isn't attracted to. He makes himself unhappy, cuz he prefers men and he makes his wife unhappy for not giving her the right attention.

It become even more weird, sleazy and wrong when someone is having gay sex besides his relationship with a woman and enjoying that more than sex with his gf or wife. In that case he is obviously more attracted to men.

It is so sad for someone to choose a fake, unsatisfying and unhappy life. Dare to live! Dare to give priority to your personal/sexual freedom over family/social acceptance. Don't live for others. It is your life.

Eventho I don´t connect emotionally with women, probably will end up married and with family. It´s just easier and more socially acceptable. Easier on me, on my family, on my finances, on everything.

I am rather less wealthy and happy, then very wealthy and unhappy.

 

[bulge]

I've always wondered this myself. I'm in a situation where a friend of mine is playing both sides of the fence. He's in a "relationship" with this girl, but at the same time, he shows no interest in her. Hangs around a gaggle of other guys who have zero interest in females (not that there's anything wrong with that), and tends to leave her to her own devices more times than not. He only trots her out for special occassions.

Now, he knows I have a crush on him, and we go back 22 years. He'll flirt with me and allow me to flirt with him so on and so forth... but still, lives under the "straight" guise.

It's my fault for mainly persuing or being attracted to bi and bi-curious guys -- but I always tend to resent their ability to have it NOT be such a big deal, because they're able to live life under "heterosexual privilege," and still get some satisfaction. While I would rather dance naked with Larry King before I touch a dreaded vagina just to keep up appearances.



Exactly! Exactly! My aforementioned friend told me basically the same thing word for word. He doesn't emotionally connect with women, but sees himself married with sons (he doesn't want daughters).

Amost all guys I know have zero sexual interest in women and don't emotionally connect with them at all, but are married with one. I don't see why they shouldn't, society being as it is (French: "société oblige"). They have lots of sex with guys or with one guy in particular. There are bonanza other guys like themselves and some have lifelong romantic relationships with one guy in particular. My own friend is married with a woman with children and we are romantically involved with each other for about 20 years. His marriage is purely societaly utilitarian, as he says. A commodity and nothing else. So be it.

 

[probeteam1]

Before I begin, I'd like to say that my hackles rise every time I hear the term "privilege." I think it's because I saw the word abused so horribly in college. So, if my response here seems bitter, I apologize in advance. Also, I am gay rather than bisexual, so my responses won't actually be from a bisexual perspective.

Let's face it - it's easier to be straight and live a life of heterosexuality.

Assuming one is heterosexual, yes. Many non-heterosexuals find the effort and cost of attempting to live that life unbearable, and so come out.

Now personally as a gay dude I'm finding it easier for bisexual guys to play around with gay guys (with nothing serious) and do the relationship talk with the girls (serious play).

I have not personally found that to be the case. Half the guys i have ever been involved with were bisexual, and it wasn't social pressures that caused them to eventually choose to settle down with women (in those cases when they did in fact settle down with women).

Then there's cases of life I've stumbled upon, like finding out some people I knew were bi from them having profiles on hookup sites. Of course, they passed off, and played as completely straight guys. Ironically (or appropriately) they were sporty dudes too, with quite the attitude.

I'm not even sure what you're saying here. If they're proclaiming their sexuality on their MySpace pages, then they're apparently not in the closet, and I'm not even sure what you mean when you say "they played it off."

So how do you bi guys defend yourself - because I know it's a hell of a lot easier for your family/friends/society to see you as a straight man in a straight relationship as opposed to a could-be-straight but is currently-fucking-a-guy sort of person.

That, I think is a sticky question. First off, this seems to be more a rant about people staying in the closet. If a bisexual man is out, then he deals with it by dating men or women as he likes. If he is closeted, then he sticks to dating women and having sex with men on the side just as some closeted gay men do.
What your complaint seems to be is "If you choose to remain in the closet, you may still enjoy the sex," or even "Even if you remain in the closet, you could possibly build a life with the one you love." I suspect he former more than the latter, since finding someone who honestly loves and understands you has, in my experience, rarely been helped by letting social pressure dictate your partners.
To which I say, so what? It puts bi guys in more or less the same boat as most straight men (having sex with and building a family with women) or a closeted gay man (having sex with men and building a family with women). If this is a shot directly at heterosexual privilege. why is it aimed at bisexuals? And if it's a shot at the behavior of closet cases, why (again) is it aimed at bisexuals?

How do you deal with this power inequality?

can you explain what you mean by "power inequality"?

Either way you seem to be upsetting the gays and the straights.

Ain't that the truth? But here's a different perspective:
Bisexuals face homophobia from straight society (many of whom define gay as having same-sex activity, even if one also has opposite-sex partners) and biphobia from gay society (for many reasons discussed on this board) with not much space left in the middle.
If a bisexual man is going to have to cave to social pressure and "pick a side," why wouldn't he choose the identity that carries the most privilege? Why trade in his old closet for an even smaller one?

And as a gay guy it makes me insecure of ever going out with a bi guy knowing that he might possibly snap and run off to an easier life where his sexuality isn't ridiculed, knowing I can't compete with a girl.

Personally, I'd consider that to be very much your problem. Who's to say you can't compete with a girl? Who's to say that he's that interested in being accepted by society? how likely is ist that your boyfriend is just going to "snap?" Is it just that easy to "go back?"

The bi men and women I have known were every bit as swift to take up the pride flag as the gay guys and lesbians I've known.
Maybe you're not giving bisexual men enough credit?

If leading an outwardly straight life is so preferable, why did you ever come out? You could do the same things - lead a "straight" lifestyle. build a relationship and possibly a family with a girl you probably don't love, and have sex with no strings attached with men in secret. Does biexuality really provide that big an advantage to this plan?
My but I'm inquisitive tonight.

 

[tonyboy]

You pose some good points man.... but I think it is best to let the bi thing alone. Gay guys are gay.... some guys that call themselves bi are gay but don't want to admit it.... I think there are truly some guys that can go either way. From my time on JUB I've seen several guys start by using the term 'bi' on their profile.... then sometime later they change it to what they actually are, namely gay.
But it is really a question of what they want to call themselves or act upon. It shouldn't matter (and really doesn't) to the rest of us.
The only thing I'd add to this is that any guy that knows he is gay shouldn't get involved with someone that says they are bi. Wait until they decide, and if they don't, well then you should leave them to their own devices.
I cannot tell you how many times I've seen on jub the story of a gay guy that falls for a 'bi' guy, then the bi guy leaves him for a girlfriend. Why even take that chance my friends? No point in it at all. You won't change the guy, he has to decide that for himself. And don't fall for the 'yes, I've changed' routine. He will use that with you and his next girlfriend too.

Straights should stick with their own kind, gays should stick with their own kind.... those unsure of themselves should stick with others unsure of themselves.
I don't mean this to sound harsh at all..... but for your own sake my friends, don't fall in love with anyone that is not sure (or at least reasonably sure) of their sexuality.

 

[Candyapple]

Straights should stick with their own kind, gays should stick with their own kind.... those unsure of themselves should stick with others unsure of themselves.

This notion of 'sticking with your own kind' appals me. Would you apply that to other things, too - like 'white people should stick to their own kind and never date non-white people'? 'Jewish people should never have relationships with anyone who's not Jewish'? What are you saying - that we should all just stick to our own little groups and ignore the fact that we're all human beings?

Horrifying.