Hi

[gamgee]

I'm not one to openly post on forums, but thought I'd give this a go to see what your (the collective you) thoughts are. . .
34, never been in a long term relationship, had a few attempts which lasted a couple months. Reasonably attractive, told myself it's me, I'm too picky, the old story: guys who're into me, I'm not into, and vice versa.
Returned to study psychology this year, enjoying it for the most part, feeling like a dinosaur sometimes amongst the young ones fresh out of high school.
Sharing house with 4 others, 2 of them students.
Used to have a rocky past with family, which flares up every now and then.
See 2 counsellors and have been on zoloft, effexor and lexapro which made me numb. But am off meds now.
Exercise (running, cycling to uni) on and off depending on the mood.
Lately have been viewing guys in my everyday life with a view to "I wonder if you could be the one?" and coming across dead ends.
Guess my criteria has softened as the years go on...used to be he'd have to be an adonis but as I realised i would never reach that level of perfection it would be unfair to expect it of someone else. Not that physical attraction doesn't play a part - but intellectual cerebral stimulation is as much a turnon.

I really don't know where I'm leading with this . . .

 

[MarquisOrias]

sounds like you're just lonely, you need a msn or aim / skype buddy to chat to.

 

[gamgee]

That could be it - used to have marathon msn chats with guys in the past, felt good at the time but now I see these special connections are just temporary. everything feels like it's being done to pass the time. i veer towards negativity a lot.

 

[castoono]

Shut up and let's kiss.

Yeah, you got the brains. Husshhh.

 

[MarquisOrias]

That could be it - used to have marathon msn chats with guys in the past, felt good at the time but now I see these special connections are just temporary. everything feels like it's being done to pass the time. i veer towards negativity a lot.

Same here, they definitely are temporary but who cares? Everything we do in life is temporary. Just use those MSN's as filler convos for flirting / uplifting yourself. When you have nobody to talk to , not even on the internet, that's when all the negativity kicks in. What's that phrase, "Idle hands are the devil's tools"?

Let go, remind yourself you're a nice guy, and chat to some dudes on MSN

 

[gamgee]

Thanks. I'm not really good at flirting, being lost in thought a lot and then worrying about how this is perceived. A lot of my upbringing emphasized shortcomings, which somehow warped into feelings of inadequacy, and inferiority.

But I realise that is a common story, who at one stage hasn't felt those low feelings of self worth, right.

Feeling a bit empty at the moment, as if life has been put on hold. It's been like that several days now, like a relapse. Can't indulge for too long living with 4 others (opposed to living alone where I'm free to work off the demons in any which way in sweet privacy before greeting the world again: a bright happy face).

There's this thing I call "cultural anxiety" where I worry that my quiet solitude is somehow an affront to the cheerful chatty commune outside my front door, and then create a 'me vs them, west vs east' scenario where my paranoia wonders if they talk in hushed whispers about me ("Maybe he's not a right fit - I don't *understand* him! Out he goes!")

Then this is immediately dispelled once I open the door, join the commune, and smiles all around
("We *want* you to be happy, we like seeing you like this). So then everyone's happy because everyone else is happy ~ then I remember what it was like to live in a homogenous household where difference of emotion was not only not tolerated but threatened. So am I not to succumb to any negativity with so much positivity around, would it be like a stain on a blanket - am I the stain, do I ruin everyone else's happiness, do I put a dent in the collective group?

Then taking a step back from the whole emotional mess because Eckhart Tolle tells me this is only a construct my diseased mind makes up, like some sick game.

 

[Seasoned]

Unless it's created by a particular trauma or crisis depression can be chronic. Exercise helps with low level depression as can therapy and meds especially if they don't have severe sexual side effects. Masturbatory fantasies have a necessary place, but trouble sets in when they isolate us. Meeting people forces us to see beyond type and into personality. This is where stereotyping breaks down and we see people for who they are. I suggest it's time to take some small risks towards this goal.

 

[gamgee]

Hey thanks. Well, I feel somewhat better than yesterday, not giving into moping around (though it's good to get in touch with that side every once in a while, keeps me grounded). I thought the problem could be I'm just an eensy bit too intense and self absorbed to be considered allround 'attractive', but I'm just gonna own it.

 

[chrisw87]

A bit of my past might help you relate I guess, I've had two fantastic relationships, both lasting over a year where I've truely felt a connection and loved them, one broke up badly the other one ended in a way that gave no closure.

Since then I've never found someone that I have sparks with, considering they were my first relationships its hard to tell if I was just lucky, or if I have become a bit numb.

I get past it by enjoying life for myself, I am a flirt, I am a mental slut (physical chaste bastard though haha, can't be bothered looking for sex). The only problem is because I don't have that 'significant other' I fill my void with study and shiny objects like cars and motorcycles.

And flirting? I used to be the black sheep in society, I sort of still are, though I do use it to my advantage. You've studied psychology, use some of your knowledge and basic observations about how humans act, and use it against them, play with their emotions, and twist them around your little finger... thats flirting for you, being able to control people without them knowing that you are

I'd say I am a little disconnected from the world and probably not that mentally straight, but who is these days . Focus on yourself, love yourself for who you are and show it off to those around you by taking care of yourself (sounds like you do a little bit already, ie the biking and running) and show everyone how proud you are of it, it will get you noticed alot more at the very least it will make you feel better, endorphins and self esteem and what-not.

 

[gamgee]

Filling the void with study is not bad, not bad at all. I can see where you resonate: that lack of connectedness with others. For me, it's often sporadic, I have little bursts of feeling 'at one' with the universe (as prescribed by Eckhart Tolle, you read him?), and the rest of the time I'm still caught up in my thoughts even when in the real world - makes it hard to engage with people. But when those moments come, it feels extremely intense, like letting the gates open and a barrage of pent up emotion, energy lets loose. And the other party is often taken aback, not ready - which leads me to retreat again.

Studying first year psych. aint all that. . . believe me covering biology at the moment and feels like shenanigans.

About exercise: I have a love/hate relationship with it...yes it gets the blood pumping but it often creates this unwanted energy which in my body translates to negativity. A contented life, supposedly, is one that's placid. Exercise takes me out of that comfort placid zone, everything, every little sensation gets amped up to the nth degree. Heightened awareness, no good.

Ah ...gettin down again, was doing so good. Anyway, thanks for your story. Hope you find someone you can feel connected to...not that it should matter, right?

A bit of my past might help you relate I guess, I've had two fantastic relationships, both lasting over a year where I've truely felt a connection and loved them, one broke up badly the other one ended in a way that gave no closure.

Since then I've never found someone that I have sparks with, considering they were my first relationships its hard to tell if I was just lucky, or if I have become a bit numb.

I get past it by enjoying life for myself, I am a flirt, I am a mental slut (physical chaste bastard though haha, can't be bothered looking for sex). The only problem is because I don't have that 'significant other' I fill my void with study and shiny objects like cars and motorcycles.

And flirting? I used to be the black sheep in society, I sort of still are, though I do use it to my advantage. You've studied psychology, use some of your knowledge and basic observations about how humans act, and use it against them, play with their emotions, and twist them around your little finger... thats flirting for you, being able to control people without them knowing that you are

I'd say I am a little disconnected from the world and probably not that mentally straight, but who is these days . Focus on yourself, love yourself for who you are and show it off to those around you by taking care of yourself (sounds like you do a little bit already, ie the biking and running) and show everyone how proud you are of it, it will get you noticed alot more at the very least it will make you feel better, endorphins and self esteem and what-not.