High School - College Relationship

[wowsers30]

My boyfriend and I met initially off of a gay social site, and after talking for a while we decided to meet and surprisingly the connection was immediate. Nearly two months later the connection is still very strong but I'm beginning to question if the connection is real or just perceived.

He and I have been through a lot in past situations and us being together is the best thing that has happened to either of us. Our relationship is open and honest. We respect each other. We fulfill each others needs. We're also into the same things and hold the same values.

I see those things as a basis for a good relationship but i feel that a relationship is has more validation when both people 'upgrade' the other. I'm kind of thinking of 'Upgrade U' by Beyonce and Jay-Z so I'll just use their relationship as an example. Both are at the top of their game at what they do, and together they push themselves to an even higher level of success. I don't think Beyonce could be with normal non-celebrity person, because he wouldn't be able to upgrade her in that sense. In the same way, there are rules of relationships. Some of us just have to face that we can't make our standards too high because some guys are just out of our league.

It sounds really terrible and that's why I'm asking for advice, but I feel like maybe that I'm out of his league and that I was too desperate for a relationship to see that. Here are some things that have started to bother me or my friends (whose opinions I value, they understand me better than anyone else):

1. He's a high school senior. I'm in my 6th semester of college, but we're less than 2 years apart in age.
2. After high school he plans to attend community college instead of a four year university.
3. His ability to clearly convey his thoughts in complete mostly grammatically correct sentences is lacking - (we write to each other often)
4. He is from a rural low-income area of the state and I'm from an urban area, in a fairly nice neighborhood.
5. He has had family in jail. I don't personally know anyone who has been to jail.
6. His parents don't really care where he's at or where he goes, which is good for me because I see him a lot, but my parents raised me with more boundaries.

Separately, these differences in who I am and who he is are small and insignificant in my eyes, but together it seems as though we're people from two different cultures trying to fall in love. Respect, faith, loyalty, dedications, honesty go only so far if there isn't a well developed understanding of who each other are. I get the feeling that he doesn't understand me fully and I know that I don't understand him on some levels.

Please offer some suggestions. Its driving me mad.

 

[sixthson]

First of all, let me say that you come across as a snob, to me. For every guy you meet that you feel is not in your league, how many more will you find who are superior to you? If you continue to psychoanaylze your relationships to death, you will end up alone and lonely. While I feel that our relationship have the potential to make us better people or drag us down, you are taking it to another level with this Upgrade crap.
Of the issues you mention in your list, only two are things in his control. The others are part of his history that have nothing to do with him. Can he help if he was born in a rural area or that he has family in jail. WTF? Maybe he is going to community college because that is what he can afford or maybe he realistically knows his limitations as a scholar. Looking down your nose at him for not measuring up does not bode well for your future with him.
Love builds others up, it does not tear them down. If you are looking for perfection, you better examine yourself first. I trust, if you are honest, you will find yourself lacking.
Try not to enter into your relationships with preconceived ideas of what your partner should be like. Enjoy your differences. Where there are things wrong with each of you, hopefully time and togetherness will alter those issues. You cannot change him, you can only change yourself.
There are no perfect people in this world.

This is not in any way meant as an attack on you, but I think you want honest responses to what you wrote. This is mine, for whatever it is worth (probably not much). Go back and read what you wrote and see if you don't agree, at least a little.

Good luck.

 

[alley]

He and I have been through a lot in past situations and us being together is the best thing that has happened to either of us. Our relationship is open and honest. We respect each other. We fulfill each others needs. We're also into the same things and hold the same values.

QUOTE]

This is all that really matters in your post---but for a accident of birth you could have been born into the same situation. If you can't accept him ---leave him alone and he can find someone who he deserves.

 

[bokan800]

If you truly love someone, you would look pass their socioeconomic and cultural background.

It's not his fault he was born that way. All he can do is get better.

 

[theblackajah]

As progressive everyone advises you to be, I suggest that you do not compromise if you feel that it could be a problem.

Whenever assessing a fairly newish relationship, you need to watch out for flags such as these: Differences that, at first, may seem minute... but how will it affect your relationship in the long run?

You need to assess who you think is right for you. Love is fine and dandy and all, but a long-term relationship (if that's what you're looking for) requires more than just warm and fuzzy feelings of acceptance and honesty.

And I don't think you're a snob, as some others do. Some of us simply have standards, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[ejbonk]

My boyfriend and I met initially off of a gay social site, and after talking for a while we decided to meet and surprisingly the connection was immediate. Nearly two months later the connection is still very strong but I'm beginning to question if the connection is real or just perceived.

He and I have been through a lot in past situations and us being together is the best thing that has happened to either of us. Our relationship is open and honest. We respect each other. We fulfill each others needs. We're also into the same things and hold the same values.

I see those things as a basis for a good relationship but i feel that a relationship is has more validation when both people 'upgrade' the other. I'm kind of thinking of 'Upgrade U' by Beyonce and Jay-Z so I'll just use their relationship as an example. Both are at the top of their game at what they do, and together they push themselves to an even higher level of success. I don't think Beyonce could be with normal non-celebrity person, because he wouldn't be able to upgrade her in that sense. In the same way, there are rules of relationships. Some of us just have to face that we can't make our standards too high because some guys are just out of our league.

It sounds really terrible and that's why I'm asking for advice, but I feel like maybe that I'm out of his league and that I was too desperate for a relationship to see that. Here are some things that have started to bother me or my friends (whose opinions I value, they understand me better than anyone else):

1. He's a high school senior. I'm in my 6th semester of college, but we're less than 2 years apart in age.
2. After high school he plans to attend community college instead of a four year university.
3. His ability to clearly convey his thoughts in complete mostly grammatically correct sentences is lacking - (we write to each other often)
4. He is from a rural low-income area of the state and I'm from an urban area, in a fairly nice neighborhood.
5. He has had family in jail. I don't personally know anyone who has been to jail.
6. His parents don't really care where he's at or where he goes, which is good for me because I see him a lot, but my parents raised me with more boundaries.

Separately, these differences in who I am and who he is are small and insignificant in my eyes, but together it seems as though we're people from two different cultures trying to fall in love. Respect, faith, loyalty, dedications, honesty go only so far if there isn't a well developed understanding of who each other are. I get the feeling that he doesn't understand me fully and I know that I don't understand him on some levels.

Please offer some suggestions. Its driving me mad.

Do what Your Gut and Heart say to Do. Your Brain is over thinking Stuff way to much. Do not Worry,Be Happy!

Your 2 different Individuals. That is to be expected. Do You really want to Date an Identical Clone of Yourself? I think not.

Everything,You have stated is Total Intellectual BS. Your way over analyzing things.

Love is not, what you have stated here. Love is what the Heart wants and gives. This is just the Brain getting cold feet.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Love never means finding someone you have everything in common with. A relationship builds on differences and diversity. Would you want to live with a copy of yourself for the rest of your life? I wouldn't! I want to find a man who possesses strengths and weaknesses I don't have. A relationship is a balance, not a lopsided couple.

You are overanalyzing your boyfriend's life too much to your own. In fact, it sounds like you are condescending to he and his family. Not everyone has grown up with the privileges and family support you've had. Everyone is different and no one is superior than the other.

So you need your boyfriend to open up your mind and expand your horizons. Otherwise, you will lose yourself to a false sense of social superiority and never be happy.

 

[drhladnjak]

First of all, I'd just like to point out that having standards and being a snob are two very different things.

If the relationship isn't working in its own right then you have a problem. However, I don't see any of the issues on your list as insurmountable or really even that big of a deal. People have different backgrounds and different interests. Worry less about that stuff and more about developing your relationship with him.

 

[KaraBulut]

My boyfriend and I met initially off of a gay social site, and after talking for a while we decided to meet and surprisingly the connection was immediate. Nearly two months later the connection is still very strong but I'm beginning to question if the connection is real or just perceived.

He and I have been through a lot in past situations and us being together is the best thing that has happened to either of us. Our relationship is open and honest. We respect each other. We fulfill each others needs. We're also into the same things and hold the same values.

Separately, these differences in who I am and who he is are small and insignificant in my eyes, but together it seems as though we're people from two different cultures trying to fall in love. Respect, faith, loyalty, dedications, honesty go only so far if there isn't a well developed understanding of who each other are. I get the feeling that he doesn't understand me fully and I know that I don't understand him on some levels.

Two questions:

1) If yours is not a good relationship, then what is?
2) Respect, faith, loyalty, dedications, honesty - do you believe that there is supposed to be more than this?

You've been with this person two months and there's not a single thing in your post that sounds like this is anything but a good relatioinship... except maybe the absence of a discussion about your commitment to an emotional investment in this relationship.

Reality check: if you believe that relationships are like something out of a cheap romance novel, then there is a lot for you to learn. Relationships are work- they're just not supposed to feel like work.

 

[ejbonk]

Two questions:

1) If yours is not a good relationship, then what is?
2) Respect, faith, loyalty, dedications, honesty - do you believe that there is supposed to be more than this?

You've been with this person two months and there's not a single thing in your post that sounds like this is anything but a good relatioinship... except maybe the absence of a discussion about your commitment to an emotional investment in this relationship.

Reality check: if you believe that relationships are like something out of a cheap romance novel, then there is a lot for you to learn. Relationships are work- they're just not supposed to feel like work.

Amen Brother

 

[rareboy]

Unfortunately, I doubt if it will work in the long term because you think he is inferior.

He actually may be able to overcome his family, his economic status, his problems with literacy and everything else on his list.

But I doubt if he'll ever be able to overcome you.

I think he deserves better.

 

[ejbonk]

Amen to that too. I agree with finbar's statement 100%. Your thinking like a jerk.

Some of us wait a life time for what your about to throw away.

 

[wowsers30]

I couldn't find one specific comment to address so I'll try to do my best to say something about everything. I tried to write as much as I could because i figured that'd be the only way to get honest answers back from you. I always get good feedback, so I thank you for helping me out.

Some of you are saying that I find him inferior and that I'm snobbish. Maybe it came off that way in words, but in reality, that's far from what I think. He has plenty to offer and I'm thankful that I have him in my life because he's changed me. I was telling him last night that I wish I wasn't so innocent of the world. He's been through a lot more than I have and he has bettered me by opening my eyes to some of those things that have touched his life.

That being said, these small things I mentioned seem larger when I look at how it affects his views on life and how he plans to live, which are different from my own. I tend to over analyze things, but I know that I'm the problem and I don't want to be a hindrance to what he's doing with his life because its different. I know that he needs me to support him when he's going through things with his family but I definitely feel the disconnect when he speaks of things because I've never witnessed the same things.

I know that a relationship takes work. It also takes support and advice because clearly we each don't know everything there is to know. So thanks.

 

[Spensed]

^ Think about whether your reservations about him have to do with your own barriers to increasing intimacy.

Also think about reframing your concerns in non-judgemental terms (differences not league tables) and trying to talk them through with your boyfriend.

Whatever comes of that, it's good practice for your communications, honesty and intimacy skills.

 

[LotusOnBuddha]

I don't understand why community college is so frowned upon. I didnt go to one, however it seems that they are playing an increasingly larger role in helping to provide cost effective education. I work with a lot of people ages 18-25, and alot of them went to CC for two years, paid under 10k for those two years and then transferred into a larger University to finish their undergrad. So if you only have to pay 30k a year for 2 years thats a lot better than paying 30k a year for 4 years. Thats what the guy im dating now did. He knew he only had X amount of money and he wanted to go to medical school. So he went to CC first, then to a big university, and he graduated the top of his class from UPenn's med school. Just because someone chooses a more cost effective approach to education doesn't make them less intelligent. If you can avoid taking out loans thats a good thing, thats less money to pay back later.

I went to a private school from pre-k to 8th grade, then went to the Hill school, then went to private college and have 2 graduate degrees. i was lucky to be born to two very sucsessful doctors. I didnt have to pay anything for my education. But does that put me out of my guy's league? I've never once thought that. Has he critized my spending habits, and my lust for the newest tech and the sexist cars? Yes, all the time. Have i learned that there are better things to do with my money because of him? YES
Does he get mad that i am impossible to shop for because if i want it i buy it? ALL THE TIME. But I've never once thought..."You're just a broke ass resident " I grew up not thinking about money, and i have the luxury to still not worry about it. Has my guy learned to indulge himself when he can afford too ( or when i drag him shopping or to a spa.) you bet he has.

Don't view differences in a relationship as a stumbling block. View it as an opportunity to learn and experience something new and unique. You never know what you'll discover.

 

[wowsers30]

Don't view differences in a relationship as a stumbling block. View it as an opportunity to learn and experience something new and unique. You never know what you'll discover.

I don't know why I was freaking out like that and I'm really glad I came here before asking my friends for advice because I feel really dumb right now. I reread my words and rethought my feelings and I think you summed tings up pretty well. I've been worrying about what my family and friends would think of him, and pressure definitely made me insecure of my feelings. That's in the past now.

 

[KaraBulut]

I don't know why I was freaking out like that and I'm really glad I came here before asking my friends for advice because I feel really dumb right now.

Don't feel dumb. It's just perspective and it's a good thing.

 

[najfus]

You sound extremely classist to me.

Regardless, it doesn't sound like you really enjoy the relationship. If you constantly feel as though you're better than the person you're dating, it has no chance of working.