His Lust Kills Me </3

[Jo-thin]

Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm in tears

I don't know where to start but I'll just rant. I've made a thread months ago about the lack of interest in sex my boyfriend was having with me. For those who don't know we have been together for 2 years and some months. We love each other deeply.

Well like I stated the last thread was about the lack of sex in his interest, well I think it has more to do than him having sex with me for 2 years. He's told me before he wants to have sex with a Caucasian and of course that got to me because 1. I'm not Caucasian, 2. I'm not willing to have an open relationship, 3. Him telling me that makes me think he is willing to cheat just to fulfill his fantasy.

Lately he's been looking at A LOT of porn, at some point I strictly made him stop because he leaves a history and I have family that lives here but of course he kept looking at it behind my back just pissing me off. I finally told him "as long as you clear your history I don't care if you look at porn, I mean we all need our solo time anyways " Well since then every morning when I'm asleep, he goes and jacks off to porn, he used to mess around with me in the mornings and of course he doesn't anymore. I'm sexual towards him, I can't get enough but it seems like since I'm not the image of the man he wants to fuck around with everyday he would rather look at porn.

I know this will sound stupid but it makes me wish I wasn't even dating a guy, knowing guys are lustful even if they're in love (not saying all guys are but most are) Sure he calls me his babe and he's so sweet to me but that doesn't mean he finds me attractive as many times as he says I'm sexy.

This makes me feel ugly, insecure, unattractive just horrible! I always think about suicide, but hey I'm just another jackass that doesn't have the balls to do it I'm seeking out for advice, words of cheer, whatevers on your mind, anything from you guys I need help.

 

[Jo-thin]

I just seem to believe most guys are knowing how much guys ruined their relationship for a quick fuck. I mean females do the same but it's a higher percentage with males.

He's gonna be 20 in the summer and I am his very 1st boyfriend and sexual partner. As for me with relationship experiences, I say he is my 1st true love. I know this sounds cliche but I did things for this guy I couldn't believe I did because of love and same for him.

 

[texan_slant]

WOW ok, 20 years old is young.

Seriously, you deserve better, and he seems to want to get around, and doesn't seem interested in you anymore.

If he loves you, he'd be paying more attention to you. You gotta give him an ultimatum, because at some point, you have to think if yourself, and whether or not you're getting your needs.

If he loves you, he'll stick around, though you have to put everything on the line and be mentally ready to take the risk.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Ideally, you are going to keep getting hurt if you let this progress. So, talk to him, let him know how he's making feel- & more importantly see if he's willing to work on things or not, because if he isn't, he should probably hit the road.

When did the sex start to decline between you both?
Have you talked to him about this decline of sex? If so what were his reasons for it? Did he make up for it, and then did things go back to normal?
Do you think he possibly might be cheating?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, the worst thing you can do in your situation is start playing the jealous hausfrau.

You do need to sit down and tell him what you're feeling, but if you do, don't do that like this:

"...you make me..."

That starts a drama. No matter what kind of porn he's watching, no matter what he's said, he hasn't cheated on you yet, the quickest way to guarantee that he will, is to start making accusations, to try and control his life - that only leads to resentment, and resentment will give him a rationalization to do whatever. Talk to him about how you feel, but talk about it in terms of you, not him.

Then you need to decide what YOU need out of a relationship, and decide if you're getting it, and if you're not, walk. Maybe down the line you'll be together again, maybe not, but if he's not a good candidate for what you need, you're both wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartbreak.

You can't control him, and you decide if you're going to surrender your self esteem to his control.

You BOTH need to be invested in a relationship for it to work, and if one of you isn't, no amount of pushing and pulling of the part of one is going to "reform" the other.

What do you want, what do you need, is he giving it to you?

You need to stop reacting and take some initiative.

 

[Jo-thin]

Thanks guys for the reply

WOW ok, 20 years old is young.

Seriously, you deserve better, and he seems to want to get around, and doesn't seem interested in you anymore.

If he loves you, he'd be paying more attention to you. You gotta give him an ultimatum, because at some point, you have to think if yourself, and whether or not you're getting your needs.

If he loves you, he'll stick around, though you have to put everything on the line and be mentally ready to take the risk.

I recently broke up with him telling him I'm just letting you have what you want without me showing any signs of weakness. He cries and doesn't want to break up I just think he wants it all..... my love and sex with other people which I won't tolerate.

When did the sex start to decline between you both?
Have you talked to him about this decline of sex? If so what were his reasons for it? Did he make up for it, and then did things go back to normal?
Do you think he possibly might be cheating?

Well for the past 2 days he has but it isn't the 1st time recently, and I asked him why and he tells me because I sometimes ask to have anal sex and he doesn't want to, and I stopped so yeah he did for awhile but when I'm asleep no ones home he prefers to fuck around the porn than with me... even when I'm wide awake feeling him up and he's horny too. As for cheating I don't think he's cheating at all, I know where he goes I know whose all there, I believe that the more he looks into porn the more he's going to crave that fantasy.

Well, there's your answer. He's 20 and he hasn't sown is oats yet.

Talk to him and see if you can work it out. However, I'm sorry to tell you this, but he probably wants to explore his sexuality and see what else is out there. It's only normal but because of his love/affection for you, he has a hard time coming to grips with it or telling you.

And the part in bold is kind of ridiculous and unsubstantiated. The issue here is not the sex of your partner. The issue here is that your partner is only 20 and has no experience other than you.

I'm sorry for that close minded statement, my mind is in a boggle.
Yeah I understand he is young and so am I, he's technically my 1st in everything too. Last summer he was telling me he wanted to fulfill his fantasy while I'm in central America visiting family, I made sure it didn't happen, I didn't want it to, it was painful to see the one you love wanting to go fuck other guys because of their features that I'm not capable of having. Well I come back 1 month later and he tells me he was stupid to try to feed his lust. About 3 months later he tells me some guy came over to suck him off but he went limp and kicked the guy out while I was in vacation, which was true and he did gain my trust. (somewhat)
I mean I just don;t understand, I'm just glad he told me his fantasies but I can't fulfill them. I don't want to let him go, it'd be a drastic change and pain to go through. How can I bring myself to do this?

OK, the worst thing you can do in your situation is start playing the jealous hausfrau.

You do need to sit down and tell him what you're feeling, but if you do, don't do that like this:

"...you make me..."

That starts a drama. No matter what kind of porn he's watching, no matter what he's said, he hasn't cheated on you yet, the quickest way to guarantee that he will, is to start making accusations, to try and control his life - that only leads to resentment, and resentment will give him a rationalization to do whatever. Talk to him about how you feel, but talk about it in terms of you, not him.

Then you need to decide what YOU need out of a relationship, and decide if you're getting it, and if you're not, walk. Maybe down the line you'll be together again, maybe not, but if he's not a good candidate for what you need, you're both wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartbreak.

You can't control him, and you decide if you're going to surrender your self esteem to his control.

You BOTH need to be invested in a relationship for it to work, and if one of you isn't, no amount of pushing and pulling of the part of one is going to "reform" the other.

What do you want, what do you need, is he giving it to you?

You need to stop reacting and take some initiative.

you're very correct. I will talk to him when he gets home, we'll see where it goes from there.

 

[Jo-thin]

He came home today giving me his full attention, I don't know how to bring the subject up but I will not let it go.

To be honest I don't think I'll break up with him just yet but you guys did help me with new decisions and more views on it and glad some was willing to help.
Especially you lucky7 thanks for your time and advice man *hug*

 

[KaraBulut]

Most guys who are older and have been around the block a few times will tell you that love is an important part of a relationship but it's not always enough to make it work.

Ultimately, that's what it comes down to here. There's no doubt that the two of you love each other and care deeply about each other. But neither of you is getting what you want- or need- out of being in a relationship with the other.

What it comes down to is either you have to be willing to change what you want out of a relationship (i.e. monogamy, hot sex, good communication and things that make you feel good about yourself) or you need to accept that this relationship is never going to give you want you need from a relationship.

It's a sad fact and a painful lesson to learn, but love just isn't enough to make a bad relationship work.