His touch

[bookguy]

First off, I don't know if this is something that should be said, or if I should even post this, or if this is even the best place for this, but I've had this feeling for a while now and don't know what to do or if I should just let it go. Before I begin, I'll give some back story. I'm a student PTA (physical therapist assistant, for those who don't know), and for the past semester, I've been completely smitten with the boy that sits across from me in class. He's handsome, smart, funny, kind, he's got a gorgeous beard, he's 2 years younger than me (normally I wouldn't be interested in younger guys, I just tend to prefer older, but there's just something about him). For privacy reasons, I'll call John. Like I said, john sits across from me every day, and most often it's hard for me to take my eyes off him. Occasionally, I'll look and catch him looking at me, but he quickly diverts his gaze. And more often than not, he catches me looking, and I divert mine. We became Facebook friends earlier in the semester as did most of the class, so I constantly see him posting stuff and I feel like I have to resist the temptation to like everything he posts. He and I haven't had much interaction in class, mostly because he sits with his group on the opposite side of the room, and I'm usually sitting alone in my side. But when we do interact, I feel so self-conscious that I'm afraid to do anything that attracts attention towards me. Plus, I'm the kind of person that was born without the ability to be graceful. I'll try to do something and something might crash to the floor and then all eyes look at me. For those who like the Meyers-Briggs personality types, I'm an INFJ so that could explain a lot. Anyway, John and I are rarely paired together, and on last Monday, we were learning about therapeutic massage, and for the first part of the class I was paired with this girl and she and I both hate massages, so we both were very gentle with each other, she doesn't like massages because she's ticklish and I don't like them because they're painful to me. After we finished that, we went to lunch, and when we returned from lunch, our teacher told us that we had to switch partners, and that we'd be giving our partners a 15 minute massage. Well, everyone had scrambled for a partner, and John was in a group of 3. I didn't have a partner because it's hard for me to ask for help. But someone noticed that I was partner-less and called John over. So with feelings of both chagrin and happiness, we were partnered together. I offered to give the massage first, and he took his shirt off and tried to keep my eyes away while he climbed onto the mat. I covered him up just to his waist, and the lights were turned off, the only light was from the projector. I rubbed some of the massage cream into my hands to warm it up, and began the massage. He had the most beautiful back, mostly smooth, with a few tufts of hair here and there, and this nice firm muscles all up and down his back. There was something about the feel of his skin under my hands, I don't even know if I can describe it. It felt so comfortable, so natural, I wouldn't have minded massaging him all day if I could've... And then, before the 15 minutes was up, he suggested we go ahead and switch. I'm not gonna lie, I felt a bit heartbroken by that, I wanted to keep touching him, to feel his warm soft skin beneath my hands. I also didn't want to be massaged by him, due to the fact that I'm a bit chubby and guard myself a lot, I try not to let anyone ever see me without a shirt on. While he's also a bit chubby, he's a weight lifter, so he has muscle under his chub and it's the cutest thing ever lol, he carries this manly aura about him, like he's not afraid to do what needs to be done. Anyway, so luckily for me it was dark, so I took off my shirt and quickly laid down on the mat. I was afraid that he was gonna hurt me (he's a pretty strong guy, and I'm already sensitive to massages). But once he started to touch me, he was so gentle, so smooth with his motions, his hands felt warm, and I felt so good. If anyone else would've done that to me, I'd have been so tense. It felt so amazing, his hands on me. It's been three days since that happened, and I can still feel him. What's worse is this has only deepened my crush on him, and I can't stop thinking about him. No one in class knows I'm into him (I'm actually bi, but tend to lean more towards men), and I hide it pretty well. The worst part about this whole crush is that he has a girlfriend that he's been with since high school. He doesn't talk about her often, but I can tell he really loves her. I don't want to do anything to come between him and her, I want him to be happy first and foremost. Even if that means he never knows how I feel about him. It's just that no one has ever touched me in a way that felt the way he touched me, and I'm afraid that we'll go separate ways once school is over, and I'll never feel him again. I want him to be happy, but I'd also like to be the one to make him happy. I've also heard from another classmate that he told them that I remind him of his brother (I actually get that all the time, and I'm never sure if I should be flattered or what, cause it's kinda depressing when you're hearing it from your crush...). Maybe I should just let it go, and enjoy what interactions we may have... I'd really appreciate anyone's thoughts on this, any opinions or advice would also be appreciated.

 

[aaggii]

Paragraphs, son, paragraphs! Otherwise no one will read this.

1. You being so self-conscious could be an effect of being alone, maybe? Do you have a good social life? The best way to get through this is therapy, if you can talk with a professional! Sometimes you can get over it by yourself, but it will take time. It´s easier said than done, but in the end you´ll simply have to not give a crap about what anyone thinks, them looking at you or not. TIME!

2. I wanted to say that you can simply invite him to a coffee or a party with your friends and get to know him, but you left the important stuff at the end: he has a gf. Turn around, find someone else and dont get between them. If you decide you´d like a friendship with him, then go for it, but your feelings will make everything a bit wierd. The best way to get over someone, especially when it´s just infatuation, is to meet someone else.

 

[mcbrion]

You might want to let this go.
He's given no indication he has any interest in you. He's, for all intents and purposes, straight. The feelings are all on your side, not his. And there's no reason for you to think you could "come between" him and his girlfriend given that the isn't providing any cues that he's ever thought about you outside class.
It's great that his touch was so profound, for you, but it was a class. Please try to separate your feelings from the reality of it: he's just not in to you. Or men.

 

[Seasoned]

We read similar situations here with some frequency. The closet is a large cause of the problem. Having a sexual secret, meeting a guy, typically straight, who you're attracted to and who treats you like a friend can cause a perfect storm of a fantasy.

None of this is good for your mental or social health. If safety is not an issue it's important to be out at least to a few select people. Having a fantasy that a guy you're crushing on feels the same way about you is not a healthy way to live. I understand way it happens. If it were true you'd be able to avoid coming out. It's your fear of coming out that promotes this fantasy.

Likewise, if you crush secretly on a gay guy there's nothing that says he'll feel the same way.

Don't let the closet relegate your romantic life to fantasy and wishful thinking. You have the power to live life as free as you'd like.

 

[mcbrion]

I am also an INFJ, and am not aware of there being a trait of clumsiness attached to it, as I am quite graceful. INFJs' abilities include being able to 'foresee' things. (Like a crystal ball, but simply using our brains.) And are born romantics, too. What're your senses telling you about him? Any chance of him responding? Probably not. So INFJ yourself to someone available. This sounds like the side of us that keeps us stuck, and being considerably older than you, I can tell you, you can pine away for someone for a long time. And using it this way isn't a constructive use of the gift, considering only 1% of the population is INFJs.

 

[eastofeden]

My husband is an INFJ...I don't know if it is a trait or not but he has an unusual ability to completely feel everything in his body and be in touch with it....and the reason I bring this up is because you sound like you had alot of feeling when he touched you...and since you brought up Briggs..this is the first thing I thought of...

Based on that...have you ever considered that you just may be a sensual guy and he brought you to that place?

I would suggest you just let it flow naturally and don't expect anything...enjoy the moment you had or may have ahead of you for what it is but don't push anything.....

 

[borg69unimatrix]

You found him attractive and had a fairly intimate exchange with him. It's no wonder that you would develop feelings for him. This emotional mirage is a sign you need to get out there and meet gay men whom you can have physical and emotional relationships with.

 

[TX-Beau]

Are you closeted?

I'll call him John is not interested in you sexually, and you should NOT attempt to make your feelings his problem. borg69unimtrix correctly labeled this an emotional mirage, it's only happening in your head. It's not real. That may sound harsh but you need to hear it clearly.

Gay men do this to themselves usually because they have no outlet for their emotions, either because they are closeted, or they are averse to making the gamble that comes with putting yourself out there for possible rejection and hurt - but sugar-pie, if you never make the gamble, you never win.

Unattainable guys can be captivating, but they don't get your cock sucked. they don't want to cuddle with you on cold nights, and they will never, ever, ever, ever want you the way you want them - because they aren't interested.

DO NOT waste valuable youth on impossibilities.

Go find a bunch of gay men, you won't catch anything if there are no fish in the pond.

 

[bookguy]

Once again, I find myself debating on whether or not I should post this. I felt that since several people have taken the time to comment, I should at the very least reply.

First off, I want to say thank you all for your concern for my mental wellbeing, but I can assure you that I'm perfectly fine. When I wrote the original post, I had just woken up, and I'm not gonna lie, I was horny, and a bit lonely. And at the time I couldn't get the thought and feeling of his hands off of my mind.

I also wonder where everyone got the idea that I'd try something with someone who obviously has no inclination towards me. I would never do something that may jeopardize my friendship with him, or his relationship with his girlfriend. I don't expect anything to come of my attraction, it's just a stupid little crush.

I'm not the kind of person who puts myself out there easily, and I believe my fellow INFJs understand that it's hard to put ourselves out there and make friends and romantic relationships. We often have a select number of friends, and our relationships with those friends our deep rooted, and comfortable.

INFJs understand that it's not a mental health issue that keeps us from opening up and making romantic relationships easily. We feel deeply, and are easily swept up in fantasy. But that's just it, it's a fantasy. I know nothing will come of it, and for those of you who think it's harmful to fantasize, I disagree. As long as you understand that the fantasy is just that, a fantasy, it can be a wonderful way of expressing yourself, and letting yourself begin to open up.

I appreciate all of your concerns, and I apologize for the fact that it has taken me this long to come up with a reply. But it's taken me this long to reply because I just didn't know how to. And frankly I was afraid of being called out for more mental health issues. I'm still in the process of learning who I am exactly, I'm constantly trying to understand why I feel the way I do, or why I think the way I do. And those are things I'll deal with and live with. I'm gonna do the best I can do, and I'm gonna be the best person I can be, and I'm gonna try to do that without causing anyone emotional harm.

Thank you again for your concern.

 

[mcbrion]

You are welcome.