HIV anxiety

[Ryuusei Boy]

I made a thread about this before, but I guess it's quite different this time.

I'm 22, I had sex for the first time about 2 weeks ago. It was a random hook up and I bottomed, but we used protection. Since that same day, my fear of having HIV refuses to go. Sure, it's better now - I've called helplines several times and I've talked about it with some (awesome and really helping) JUB members, but the fear and anxiety are still there.

I've given very detailed descriptions of what happened to the helpline ladies, and I've been told I'm safe, that I should get tested only if I want to, so I can be more calm. Same with my JUB friends. I have days where I'm feeling awesome, and day where the fear and anxiety are more present.

Last night I got really paranoid and scared because I share an electric shaver with both my brother and my father, and it looks like my fear of getting them infected is huge. I've been told by both the helpline ladies and JUB friends that it's not risky to share an electric shaver, but I'm still really scared because sometimes my skin gets really irritated and red, and right now I have a very small lesion on my right cheek.

I've read it's pretty normal to feel like this after you had sex for the first time, but wow, it's been bad. I'm getting tested on August 3 (after 6 weeks) and September 22 (after 3 months), but I feel like I'm also going to get tested on December, 6 months later. I don't want to be like this for the rest of the year...

Just when I convince myself that I'm safe, my brain starts looking for "details" of what happened, so I can get all nervous and anxious again. It's been:

- The fact that we used 3 condoms (I didn't know it was common to use more than one condom, the first one got dirty, probably the second one did too, I don't recall seeing any ripped condom)
- The fact that I didn't -see- the final condom since he went to clean himself after we finished (there was absolutely no semen in my ass or underwear afterwards, the helpline ladies insist it didn't break)
- The fact that he fingered me for a little while after we had sex
- The fact that we used body lotion/butter as lube
- The fact that I had a sore ass for 2 days

I've told all of this to the helpline ladies, and they insist I'm safe. Part of me believes I'm safe, part of me can't shake the fear off my head. I also feel really guilty because the guy has a partner. Also, it's been especially difficult for me to deal with this since my family is going through difficult times.

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I think at this point I haven't gone crazy thanks to the awesome guys I've met here, but I want to know if anyone knows what I can do to ease the fear and anxiety?.

Thanks in advance

EDIT: Oh, WOW. I'm watching TV and they're talking about a man who asked his partner to kill him, because he was suffering a lot because of AIDS.

 

[Corny]

what you can do at this point? get professional help or just stop dating men. your hiv anxiety is beyond reason ..

 

[Puzuzzu]

Go get tested and set your fear aside (for now)?

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Getting tested right now? I was considering doing it, but I was told I have to wait at least 6 weeks, and then get tested again when 3 months have passed. I'd do it anyway, but I'm paying for my tests, since the free ones take several days to give results. I just wish I could become less anxious until I can get tested.

@Corny: I think I'm doing both of those things. I'll never have a random hook up in this lifetime, simply because it's not for me. And I do need professional help I think, this is going to be an issue if I'm going to be like this every time I have sex.

 

[3nipples]

You should find a way to meet and talk to some guys who are HIV+ to put the whole thing into better perspective for you.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

I don't know if that'd be a good idea, I may end up getting more nervous and paranoid.

Guys, I just called the helpline (again). I was told that I'm not under any risk (again) and now I'm feeling fine (again). My brain just needs reassurance, I just hope the effect would last longer. I'll try harder to stay positive this time, I can't keep calling the helpline twice a week until September 22 to be calm.

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

Why don't you buy yourself a razor?

Most people say, it is harder to catch HIV, than you think. I've read, do one condom at a time. Two or more condoms, makes it easier to tear.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

That's what I did, which sucks because I really like using the electric shaver, lol. And it was one condom at a time, but the first one got some -unwanted material- on it.

 

[bankside]

Ryuusei,
None of us can control our fears. If an emotion is there, we feel it.

But you haven't lost control of your intellect. You know that you're giving too much consideration to your fears. You have a rational mind. What action do you take to put your rational mind in charge of your emotions so you can accept your emotions without letting them submerge you?

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

That's exactly how I see it. My rational part thinks "hey, we've been told countless times we're fine. See? get over it". My fearful part thinks "OMGZ what if everyone is wrong? what if we are specifically in trouble because of something I haven't thought about? HELP!". Yes, that's quite accurate

And I don't know, I always try to be rational under any circumstance. I have fear, but getting all anxious and scared won't resolve anything. It's not resolving anything.

 

[bankside]

That's exactly how I see it. My rational part thinks "hey, we've been told countless times we're fine. See? get over it". My fearful part thinks "OMGZ what if everyone is wrong? what if we are specifically in trouble because of something I haven't thought about? HELP!". Yes, that's quite accurate

And I don't know, I always try to be rational under any circumstance. I have fear, but getting all anxious and scared won't resolve anything. It's not resolving anything.

No but what might resolve things is taking a deep breath and saying "Okay, I'm afraid for bad news. It probably isn't going to be an issue. I'm going to go for a walk now instead of worrying about it." It is more helpful to just take charge of your emotions than you might have experienced.

 

[hotatlboi]

you had sex one time with protection and you're worried about hiv?

seek counseling

You have an irrational fear.

 

[altlover85]

I agree with bankside. You might want to think about counseling as well, but if anxiety hasn't been an issue for you in the past then these issues might just be temporary.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

I think I may need some counseling. In the past, I've been afraid of tetanus (even getting vaccinated for fear of really small scratches), cancer, getting amputated, fear of getting depressed, hypothetical phobias, etc. I think I have OCD, especially when it comes to health and hygiene.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

That's probable, my family situation has been tough lately and maybe it's reflecting on this.

Guys, I have a question - even if I have had it answered several times. The fact that he fingered me afterwards, is it dangerous? I mean, he could have stuck his finger in the condom or something like that. That makes me really nervous... what do you think about it?

 

[bankside]

That's probable, my family situation has been tough lately and maybe it's reflecting on this.

Guys, I have a question - even if I have had it answered several times. The fact that he fingered me afterwards, is it dangerous? I mean, he could have stuck his finger in the condom or something like that. That makes me really nervous... what do you think about it?

Wait! If you have had this answered several times, it's your turn. What is the risk in that? Is it low, high, minimal? Your turn to explain. Especially if you know the answer.

What if someone new joined this board and didn't know? What would you tell him?

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Well, I've told the helpline ladies several times -exactly- what happened, and they all insist I'm out of risk. I guess I am?

Guys, sorry if this sounds really stupid. I guess it is, but my brain is struggling for some calm right now, it looks like people telling me I'm OK is not enough.

 

[bankside]

Well, I've told the helpline ladies several times -exactly- what happened, and they all insist I'm out of risk. I guess I am?

Guys, sorry if this sounds really stupid. I guess it is, but my brain is struggling for some calm right now, it looks like people telling me I'm OK is not enough.

Which is why you need to try telling yourself you're okay. It is okay to have fear about this. But then it is important to address that fear. A counsellor might be able to help you do that, but you don't have to wait for a counsellor to start that process.

You have clear questions that are bothering you, and it might help if you write them down, and then write down the answers you have learned. Post them on here if it is easier. It would probably help other people if you share what you have learned. But it is up to you to start supplying those answers especially if you already know the answers from qualified professionals. Share what you know, and you might find that teaching people gives you some calm.

 

[logan1]

I know how you are feeling because I had the same feelings for a while.
Before I had even had anal sex, I went for a massage plus extras with a gay prostitute, no sex, just a handjob, and I was paranoid that I may have even got HIV from that. All my rational feelings told me that was impossible, but I still went and had a test. I was working myself up into a mess.
Then I worked out what was really happening. It was some sort of guilt trip that I had had a gay encounter (my first), rather than the HIV thing. Not saying that is the case with you though, because I don't know.
I think you know deep down, that you haven't caught HIV. Still doesn't help your feelings, I know.
All the best.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

@bankside: That's not a bad idea at all, I think I'm doing that tomorrow. It should help me affirm what I've been told and help other people who might have these same doubts.

@logan1: I think, in some part, that's the case too. I've had regrets of doing it with another man instead of a woman, since gay people being more prone to HIV is a popular opinion and all. There's definitely a decent amount of guilt, including the fact that I betrayed my own morals and values by having a random hook up, with a guy who has a partner, no less. Hey, I'm a human and I can make mistakes and learn from them, and be sure to not repeat them.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your help