HIV anxiety

[KaraBulut]

There's definitely a decent amount of guilt, including the fact that I betrayed my own morals and values by having a random hook up, with a guy who has a partner, no less.

This isn't as much about HIV as it is about somatocizing this ^^^.

Given that you have this and some OCD issues, getting counseling would be a really good idea. These things tend to be insidious and get worse over time, so you would benefit from addressing them now before they interfere more with your day-to-day life.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

This isn't as much about HIV as it is about somatocizing this ^^^.

Given that you have this and some OCD issues, getting counseling would be a really good idea. These things tend to be insidious and get worse over time, so you would benefit from addressing them now before they interfere more with your day-to-day life.

Definitely. I want my OCD to get treated soon, but I don't think it's going to be possible at the moment. I've been broke lately...

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So, these are the answers I've gotten so far, by calling a HIV helpline (lots of times) and asking several JUB members. If someone believes any of these are wrong, PLEASE, let me know.

Using 3 condoms
No, I was told using more than one condom is normal. They can get dirty (the first one did), and that was probably the case too with the second one since it wasn't ripped or broken.

Not seeing the last condom
Actually seeing it is a good idea. But I didn't feel anything other than latex when he pulled out his penis, and there was absolutely no trace of semen in me or my underwear. It's safe to say it didn't break.

Using body lotion/butter instead of actual lube
That's quite a bad idea, since it can weaken the condom's latex. But I was lucky, it didn't break as stated before. Still, I'll never use it again.

Fingering after sex
Yeah, well, he would have needed to stick his finger in the condom or something like that for it to be dangerous. And still, I was told it's not that much of a risk.

Sore ass for 2 days
That's probably because body lotion/butter is not a good lubricant.

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And guys, I have a last doubt. During foreplay I recall him superficially rubbing his still not completely erected penis against my ass, 3 to 5 times, it lasted for a few seconds. I just remembered this earlier today, that's my brain trying to remember details that could make more anxious again. The fact is, I don't remember if he had the condom on by this point. Since I was really scared and paying a lot of attention, I don't think I would have let him do that without a condom, and I don't recall ever touching his penis. But assuming he hadn't a condom yet, do you think that's dangerous? (like, pre-cum getting near my ass, and entering once he penetrated me).

It'd be awesome if you guys could give me a final answer for that question. I swear that's the last doubt I'm letting myself have about it.

 

[bankside]

Bravo, good list.

And, that is consistent advice with anything I've ever heard or read or learned at the presentations of a university gay & lesbian student group. All of those answers make sense to me.

As far as your last concern, I think it is a very very difficult way for transmission, and I don't think it raises your risk level from that encounter.

Other points:
When I was at university I had the opportunity to meet a couple of different people with HIV who became friends with myself and others. It was normal to hug these guys or shake hands with them in a social setting.

One guy in particular was older than the rest of us and a returning student - he was very open with his experience growing up a generation earlier when being gay was actually still illegal in his youth. He was also open about HIV, what it changed about his life, how he got it, what he had to do to deal with it, how we could avoid it in our own lives by learning from his mistakes, and by learning from what they didn't even know back in the late 70's and early 80's.

We knew it was no danger to hang out with him. He knew it too. He said it was the kind of thing that if he ever had a nosebleed he'd ask us to step back just as an extra precaution, but he never had a nosebleed anyway. He really helped a lot of us understand how to deal with the issues of HIV calmly, and how to protect ourselves from infection rationally.

Ryuusei, I think it would help you if one day you ever had the opportunity to meet someone like that. Knowledge is a powerful thing - it can demolish fears.

On OCD:
Part of living with OCD might be realizing that routines and patterns are always going to be part of your comfort zone. Maybe you can make that work for you by developing healthy habits? You might find it easier to stick to good habits than other people do. Not every pattern, routine, or ritual has to interfere with a productive happy life. Sometimes those routines can help organise a productive happy life.

I don't think you should ignore symptoms of OCD, but at the same time just as with emotions and fears, you still have your intellect to rely on. Maybe you can list the parts of your life that are already compatible with OCD tendencies, and then seek support for problems on a case by case basis if you find OCD interfering with any of the other goals you have.

On desire:
Did you know before you went through with it with this guy, that it probably wasn't a situation you were going to be comfortable with? Of course.

Were you surprised at how powerful your desire and curiosity were, strong enough to overrule not just your judgement and your preference for a relationship, but even any reasonable fears you might have had?

That kind of desire is actually healthy - passion and lust are part of being truly alive, even as powerful and overwhelming as they can be. The key is to find a trusted relationship to explore them in. A partner who will respect your health, get tested with you, show the ability to keep his commitment to you, so that you can enjoy unleashing those emotions.

You can find someone like that if you're patient.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Thanks for the reply, you're always helping and nice

- I'm glad to know that's not risky at all. Starting today, I'm trying to -interrupt- myself every time I catch myself thinking about details that could make me nervous. I'm determined on not letting myself go through that anymore.

- Yes, meeting someone like that could be helpful. But to be honest, I don't know where I could find someone like that.

- I think stuff like washing my hands frequently is not that much of a problem, I think being more concerned about my health than I should be could actually be a good thing. But in this specific case it's not being fun at all.

- I was highly surprised later that same day. I still can't believe I did that, and I still believe I won't ever do it again. I'll try pursuing a relationship later, but at the moment, I'm not interested in having any kind of relationship and/or sexual activity.

Again, thanks for replying!

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

@justaguy: It's my paranoid brain thinking "he's gay, he cheats on his boyfriend, HE MUST HAVE HIV". I know he probably doesn't, that makes my fear even more pointless, I know. And yes, to be honest, the next time I have any kind of sexual activity will be a) with someone I know and trust, and b) non penetrative. Maybe it's really premature, but I'd not discard the idea of living a non penetrative sex life from now on.

 

[altlover85]

Yes it's really premature. When you trust someone a lot of the anxiety will go away as has been stated earlier. You should try not to make any definitive decisions about sex right now when you're anxious.

 

[AdmiraalW238]

With all due respect @Ryuusel Boy ... there is a term we use at a HelpLine I staff and it is Worry Well.

A Worry Well is someone that will ask a question and keep changing the scenario. From everything you have said I can see that this is what you are and the only thing for you is to see counseling because of the anxiety you are feeling.

You have had questioned asked and answered and then you add things to the scenario in the hope that someone will confirm what you think.

When you get tested I strongly recommend that you ask about pre-test counseling and most definitely get some post-test results counseling.

I certainly would not put anyone down for having this sort of anxiety because I had some anxiety when I was tested for the first time in 1990.

I think professional counseling is something that you really do need because nothing anyone else on JUB will be able to assist because when one question is answered you will just continue to ask questions.

Please seek counseling when you are tested and hopefully this will aid in the recovery from your anxiousness.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Yes, that sounds like me. Right from the beginning I've been told I'm out of risk, both by the helpline ladies and JUB members. Apparently that's not good enough for my brain... I guess counseling is exactly what I need.

 

[bankside]

Yes, that sounds like me. Right from the beginning I've been told I'm out of risk, both by the helpline ladies and JUB members. Apparently that's not good enough for my brain... I guess counseling is exactly what I need.

Except so far the counselling has been "Your risk is very low" and you're resisting that message a bit due to fear. More counselling might help on this issue or others, but what is also needed is some self-help. You can be in charge of your own brain. Interrupting your thought process and doing something else when you notice concerns creeping into your thoughts is a very smart strategy.

So is dealing with those concerns constructively like you did here when you posted the answers you had learned instead of just asking for the same information over again. You're getting through this.

That approach shows the skills of recognising your emotions, being honest and accepting them, and being disciplined about them too.

Have you studied "limits" in math? If so you can recognise that as a person who has been sexually active, your risk is not zero. But like in limits, it is an equation tending toward zero.

I don't think I will have much more to add to this thread. You have already done all the smart things to do as far as checking out your actual health status. You've even done a number of smart things to address how you are dealing with anxiety. When fears come into your head, you interrupt yourself and do something else. That's how it's done! I think you're on the right track for now. I'll check back with this thread in a few weeks because I'm sure you'll want to let us know how the HIV test went.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Thanks for your support! And yes, I'll be sure to post the results here

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

Three months later, I'm negative. HOLY FUCK was it that hard to understand that condom protected sex is not risky if it doesn't break?. I wasn't even surprised when I was told it came out negative, I practically always knew it. So, yay I guess.

 

[JFarm89]

Ryuusei Boy, just relax. Germs can be sometimes wonderful creatures. Not all germs are bad. We have a lot of good bacteria on our bodies to help protect us from other foreign invaders. Our white blood cells also help protect our bodies from viruses. So don't wash your hands like way too often, because you get rid of your own body bacteria, and you could get sick more often. That's why it's bad to use hand sanitizers often, kills everything.

Cough or sneeze on your arm, instead of your hand. You will then prevent more people from getting sick if everyone practiced that.

And I'm glad that you didn't end up with HIV, and I'm glad you were thinking ahead. That's when fear is introduced. It makes you extremely aware. It's your self defense mechanism... Believe it or not.

I have a fear for some dogs. Even small ones that harmlessly pass by. I'm like 20 feet away when I'm walking past someone. When they walk their dog. It prevented me from potentially getting bitten.

There's this women that I saw on T.V that has a fear for Balloons.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrHV_9XPr0U[/ame]

 

[KaraBulut]

Not surprised... thanks for the update.

 

[bankside]

Ryuusei, congrats on the negative test. I know that worrying took a toll on you, but I hope it was worth it to learn that you're not into the risks, small or high, of sleeping with strangers.

BTW, I think fear of germs is a good thing, at least HIV for sure. That doesn't have to stop you from having a great sex life either, but it does rule out risky encounters with strangers. I've been with the same guy 12 years now, monogamously, and it gives us the freedom to really enjoy sex with each other without fear.

Anyway, I'm glad it worked out for you, and as for the original hook-up, live and learn, and don't sweat it.

 

[Ryuusei Boy]

I guess in the end it made me a lot wiser about HIV, that's always a good thing. And now I'm completely sure I'll never have a random hook up again, it's by far just not worth the (small but existent) risk of condom slippage or breakage. Finally, I'm not giving myself the chance to 'grow to like' bottoming - it's very uncomfortable and also the most unsafe sexual practice.