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Homosexuality within immigrant Asian families

C

Comtemplation

On the Prowl
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As a gay first generation Chinese Canadian, I often find conflict between what I see in Canadian society and traditional Chinese beliefs and values. Luckily, I'm the youngest in the family, and I do have an older brother, so the duty of producing heirs is off my shoulders (as I see it) and all on his. Thus far, I still have not came out to my parents yet, and logically, I see no real problem with it, but there still lies the fear of rejection. Both my brother and my sister, being raised here in Canada, fully accept it.

So my question to you guys, namely the gay Asians living in Western society, how were your coming out experiences with your families, especially if your family still holds tight onto traditional beliefs and values?
 
My best gay friend is a first generation vietnamiese, and he is having a hard time with it. He wants to come out I believe, but is worried about the conflict.
 
The genius of Canadian society lies in transcending tradition.

It's as good a plan for family traditions as for societal ones.
 
I am first gen. chinese American. I am totally in the same situation as you all. Does your mother keep nagging you to get married? My mom does. I wish I know someone and somewhere in my family that is gay so I can relate to them. I have like 50 cousins and no one openly gay. :(. That's why it makes me more afraid to come out to my family. Does anyone have any experience of coming out to their "asian" family. I would love to hear about it.
 
SL1986 said:
I am first gen. chinese American. I am totally in the same situation as you all. Does your mother keep nagging you to get married? My mom does. I wish I know someone and somewhere in my family that is gay so I can relate to them. I have like 50 cousins and no one openly gay. :(. That's why it makes me more afraid to come out to my family. Does anyone have any experience of coming out to their "asian" family. I would love to hear about it.
Click to expand...

No, my mom kinda knows that I'm somewhat a quiet guy, and she also insists on no dating while in school, so she pretty much says nothing about marriage and the like to me.

In a way, I don't think my parents will care much, seeing how they came around to accept my sister dating a white guy. It's just that the off chance things do go sour, I might be screwed for my financial support.

And yes, any Canadian/American-born gays with coming out stories, good or bad, please share!
 
@Comtemplation, I was born in China, but been here since when I was a baby. So, close enough. lol. My mother is very religious and still kind of traditional. I have an older brother and an older sister who are both married with kids (all 5 girls to be exact). Their spouses were all family picked. My mother also keeps trying to hook me up with girls she knows and I keep saying no. I just don't know how long I can hold on to saying that. I'm not so much worried about the financial part. I am more worried about losing my family. I love them too much for that to happen. Money doesn't always buy me happiness (it does help though). That's why I really want to know other people who have experience coming out to their asian parents with similar background as us.

@georgepc, I feel the same way. I am leaving it to my brothers for that. You are lucky, your mom doesn't nag you about marriage. I am kind of comfortable of who I am, but I am also vigilant at the same time, as you can see. It is hard for me to tell them, but sometimes I just wish they will just find out from someone without me telling them. I can't face them. I am more open about myself now then before. Many of my friends know, but telling my parents is totally different.
 
my mom is from korea, dad is from here.

she's accepted me as gay, only took 2 months of crying to get there. now she orders me to be nicer to my partner, continually informs me that my partner is nicer, and now says she has 2 sons. doesn't hurt that my partner is a nurse practioner, so to her that's like a huge status symbol.

she does nag me as to when i'm getting married.... to my partner. it's tough explaining to her that we can't legally get married, she doesn't understand the problem. She's pushing for a comitment ceremony, she just wants to show off my partner..... plus she wants to throw a party.

that's not the worst part. she's been going on for years about when we will be adopting... "I hear, in Oklahoma. 2 guy can get baby. State no care. When you get baby?" and when i said i wasn't ready..."Just go sleep with girl. No have to like. just bring home baby. Say thank you and tell her go away."

so, as you can see.... even a fresh off the boat korean mother with a 3rd grade education can shock you. she loves the drag queen shows. she's even asked how they tuck their penises behind them.
 
I am first genreation American. I grew up thinking that I would live a lie, get married, and have children.

I'm in my 40s now. I came out in my mid-20s because I just couldn't bear the secret anymore, and had to be myself. My mother and I had shouting matches, and though my father had a hard time with it, he was less volatile and more forgiving at the time.

My mother gave me an ultimatum - see a doctor to get cured, or never talk to them again. I disowned them for a year and a half, and it was liberating. A family emergency caused me to re-initiate contact with them, and am now very close to them in a lot of ways.

On the other hand, even though they have accepted me for who I am (as much as they possibly could being traditional Asian), they don't talk about it much and would have a difficult time seeing a boyfriend, partner, etc. If ever the time came, I would assume another conflict with them, and having to face it head-on.
 
Why do some people feel that asian ancestry should confer some kind of immunity from having to extend the freedom that is all of our obligation to extend in the modern world? Especially when that freedom is due to one's own children?

Parents have no business expecting their children to live a lie. What difference does ancestry make?
 
Though it SHOULDN'T make a diffence, there still is a difference in the old-world Asian cultures, because those cultures are so stuctured, authoritative, and confined within a box. Anything outside of the perceived box is considered WRONG.

Prevailing thoughts brought down from generation to genearation that hasn't changed.

this is why I am really resentful of my native ethnicity, and mostly identify with being American more than anything else.
 
I'm only part Asian but I have several Asian friends. Many of them tell me that what makes Asian or many foreign families unique is they see homosexuality as more of western thing. They act as though homosexuality doesnt really exist in Asia and being influenced by western culture brings about gayness and other sexual proclivities which wouldnt happen naturally. I'm not saying that is how everyone feels, but it is how a lot of people see it.
 
miyakko said:
that's not the worst part. she's been going on for years about when we will be adopting... "I hear, in Oklahoma. 2 guy can get baby. State no care. When you get baby?" and when i said i wasn't ready..."Just go sleep with girl. No have to like. just bring home baby. Say thank you and tell her go away."
Click to expand...

I had to stop myself from laughing too hard at this seeing how people are trying to sleep here :p Your mother sounds hilarious!


@ OP : My parents are the same, my religious mother keeps hounding me with marriage and I always tell her "NEVER, EVER , going to happen". She is naiive and doesn't understand why I don't want girls, I think she is more in denial than I ever was about homosexuality haha.
 
Im Filipino so I dunno if that plays anything. I came out two years ago and my parents are supportive about my happyness. My mom cried a lot. My dad told me I can choose to be straight. Prior to this, I would talk to them about the dream of having a wife money house and all that jazz. They never talk to me about anything related to homosexuality. They never told my extended family because Im guessing that it has something to do with status. I used to go to church and now I dont but its not relevant to me being gay but its because I think that the people at my church become hypocritical but my dad tries to bring me to church. I go once in a while like summer time or christmas time but they don't tell people at my church that I am gay either. Those are some instances that I can think of right now.
 
I am a bit different from you guys but at a core, still the same. I'm Australian Vietnamese...=p
I came to Australia when I was 5. I came out to my parents when I was 16. I think my parents probably had an inkling that I could be gay, but would just pray and hope that it ain't true.

When I came out, they were pretty disappointed. They weren't yelling or scolding but they were disappointed.
This was upsetting for me because I just expected them to be quite chilled and cool with it but I thought wrong. Nonetheless, I just tell them how it is: "I am your son. I did not choose to be gay, I am born this way. You are my parents so you have to love me no matter what, you have to accept me and you have to love me because this is who I am. "

From then on, every time they would make an ignorant comment about homosexuality (e.g. aren't you scared of getting disease?), I would just call them out on it and "educate" them about the facts. I also constantly reminded them that I have done a lot for them to be proud of me so they should never feel ashamed or embarrassed just because I am gay.

These days they are totally accepting. My ex used to live with us, and my current boyfriend stays over every weekend.

Traditions are good but we need to be able to adapt and change traditions so that it is aligned with today's time and culture. Our immigrant parents do not have the education that we do so I believe it is our duty to educate them on matters such as homosexuality. It is less hatred and more ignorance than anything else.

Also you just have to be strong and proud of who you are. If you live your life, being embarrassed or afraid of being gay then it'll just be harder for others to accept your homosexuality. If you can't accept yourself, then how can you expect others to? Be strong, be proud and be the loving son that you are and your parents will come to accept you; if not now then one day.

However I have to say, I have pretty awesome parents and I believe I am probably a lot luckier than others out there.
But don't give up. =)
 
I guess I should put in my ticket as a first generation Vietnamese American. I don't remember when my parents found out I was gay. My sister kind of outed me a long time ago when she came out as a lesbian (if there was ever an argument for genetics...). My dad pretty much went to my extended family and said "My son's a fag!", though, to be fair, there's only really the one word for gay, and it carries the negative connotations.

Things are fine with my parents, though. The entire thing blew over without me ever knowing what was going on. Still, I don't really talk to my parents about my relationships. I don't think I'd talk to them about it if I were straight. They're both very... sexual people, and the last thing I want is advice from them. ugh!

My grandparents and the rest of my extended family is the difficult part, though. I'm what you would call the trunk of the family tree. Main line, all that shit. I'm the only son in my family. My dad is the only son in his family. His dad is the only son in HIS family. I have 4 generations ancestry riding on my ass. Everyone is sort of counting on me to produce an "heir" to this bloodline. Talk about pressure.

It's a good thing my grandmother wants me to become a Catholic priest. At least she can be disappointed for that instead of my non-inclination to breed.
 
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