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Hookup advice

  • Thread starter Thread starter Croft85
  • Start date Start date
C

Croft85

Guest
So I have been using the hookup apps Grindr, Adam 4 Adam ...etc but
It's always the same, no one will talk to me. I even had one guy block me in the middle of the conversation. It's like I'm a ghost. What I'm I doing wrong? How do I get guys interested in me? Thanks
 
Croft85 said:
So I have been using the hookup apps Grindr, Adam 4 Adam ...etc but
It's always the same, no one will talk to me. I even had one guy block me in the middle of the conversation. It's like I'm a ghost. What I'm I doing wrong? How do I get guys interested in me? Thanks
Click to expand...

I can’t say what you might be “doing wrong” (if anything) without knowing more about you. But in general, if the hookup apps aren’t working for you, I would log off of them at least for a while. Instead, try other ways of meeting people. You didn’t mention if you’re in a big city, but if so, I would try other gay hangouts... not just bars, but basically anyplace where people go to have a good time. Your circle of friends can also help: I know a lot of people who met through mutual friends and ended up together.
 
Sorry I for got I add some info in I live in a small town in Alabama. The nearest gay hangouts are like and hour and a half away but with no car or public transportation I can't go. But so far the people on the apps are just rude. I see a guy I like and I say "hi, hows your day going?" Then they block me and the ones that do talk are not willing to come over.
 
Briacon429 said:
I can’t say what you might be “doing wrong” (if anything) without knowing more about you. But in general, if the hookup apps aren’t working for you, I would log off of them at least for a while. Instead, try other ways of meeting people. You didn’t mention if you’re in a big city, but if so, I would try other gay hangouts... not just bars, but basically anyplace where people go to have a good time. Your circle of friends can also help: I know a lot of people who met through mutual friends and ended up together.
Click to expand...
Does that really work for hook ups? Like I totally agree about the benefits of having friends that knows you're looking for a relationship. But I feel like most friends wouldn't be comfortable asking other people they know if they want to fuck another friend.
I could see some people being comfortable with that but it doesn't strike me as commonplace. Though I definitely do noootttt know.


So I'm not experienced with these apps. But I wonder if you're being more sociable than what other people want to deal with?
Have you tried being super direct? Like saying 'Hey I want to suck you off, interested?'
I don't know if that'll work on average or if you'll get the kind of encounters you want but it could be a path to getting hookups I'd imagine.
How invested have you been in your profiles? Do you have good pics? Have you filled out as many of the questions they use to match you as you can? <-Because with that one you should get higher quality results.

Are your preferences well thought out? Could you be filtering out potential hookups arbitrarily?

How well do you understand what you want? Because that in particular is going to be crucial. Being able to communicate what you're looking for quickly and efficiently.

At the end of the day... My impression of these apps is that people aren't there to make friends. They're not there to waste time. They want to find someone to have sex with and go. And there's a lot of people looking for the same thing and they don't have the time to be polite to every person that shows interest in them. It may not be the right environment for you. In which case, consider using something a little more sociable, like OkCupid.

But yeah if we know exactly what you want there's a better chance we can help you achieve it.
 
I agree with SeaCore. (Btw, I assumed you wanted more than a hookup because that’s what I got from your original post— but he’s right, I shouldn’t make that assumption!)

I also agree small town Alabama must be tough. Have you gone exploring in, say, Atlanta or New Orleans? I’m not saying you need to move there, because I know that would be a big life decision. But having grown up in a small town myself, I will say it’s amazing what happens when you’re able to broaden your horizons, even if it’s just for a weekend or so!
 
Croft85 said:
Sorry I for got I add some info in I live in a small town in Alabama. The nearest gay hangouts are like and hour and a half away but with no car or public transportation I can't go. But so far the people on the apps are just rude. I see a guy I like and I say "hi, hows your day going?" Then they block me and the ones that do talk are not willing to come over.
Click to expand...
There are LGBT people everywhere, including rural areas and small towns. Often they are not out. Often they are in opposite-sex marriages and have same-sex encounters on the down low.

The apps have changed the landscape, but if you meet a few gay people in your area, they can tell you where gay people go. It might be a Barnes and Noble, it might be a coffee shop or it might be parties at someone's house. The LGBT people are there and it's only through meeting people and networking that you will find them.

It's sad to say, but the same old games that used to be in gay bars have just moved to the social media apps. Some guys are there to chat with their friends and if a stranger messages them, they do rude things like block the stranger. The closeted guys in rural areas may freak out if you're nearby and you message them- they're paranoid about being outed. Some guys are there 24x7 and just troll for sex constantly, even if they only go through with it occasionally.

General things that I've heard (anyone who is a regular on the apps, feel free to update):
  1. There are several different apps now and they've gotten to be a little cliquish. If you're a twink on Scruff, for example, you might not be on the right platform.
  2. If you don't have pics on your profile, you're less likely to get someone to return your attention. It's kind of becoming like a catalog or shopping website- the items with a picture are more likely to get purchased.
  3. State in your profile why you're there. If you're looking for friends, say that. If you're looking for hookups, say that. If you're looking for all of the above, say that.
  4. This is the complicated one and it's the one that is the hardest: find the place between aggressive and aloof. This is part of the same behavior that has moved from the bars to the apps- guys get spooked if you're too aggressive and they get offended if you don't return their attention.

Take the apps for what they are and understand that there's a lot of people who are big ol' messes who are on the apps. Never take any of it personally. Like anything online, it's there for your purposes, not theirs and never let a relative stranger's rude behavior bother you.
 
Croft85 said:
Sorry I for got I add some info in I live in a small town in Alabama. The nearest gay hangouts are like and hour and a half away but with no car or public transportation I can't go. But so far the people on the apps are just rude. I see a guy I like and I say "hi, hows your day going?" Then they block me and the ones that do talk are not willing to come over.
Click to expand...

Can't you ride a bicycle to the nearest bus/train station? Or even all the way there and back? Or hitchhike?
 
If I rode my bike to the nearest bus station it would take me 3hrs and 53mins
 
Croft85 said:
If I rode my bike to the nearest bus station it would take me 3hrs and 53mins
Click to expand...

Then you'd better get going.

If you want something in this life, you generally have to go after it yourself.

Take a good bicycle chain and lock the frame to something that can't be moved and maybe a bicycle repair set.
 
I am ALSO in Alabama. I have NEVER had a problem meeting who I like on Adam4adam and I mean since 2007.
 
"No car or public transportation." I'll tell you right now that's a MAJOR turn-off for me. You're putting a lot of onus on the other party. I certainly wouldn't be hooking up with someone who just got off a bike, either. If your profile pic is of you on your bike, change it. Bama isn't known for its love of cyclists.

You likely cannot host either, am I correct? That's the impression I get from you anyway and wouldn't be interested either. I'm just trying to be honest with you, not be conceited or rude. I am also not interested in being someone's "first." Ask yourself again if you are looking for "hookup only" and keep your profile succinctly around that. Adam4adam is all I have ever used here in AL and for over a decade
 
Novastar does raise a good concern. I do think your transportation issues will be a bit of an inhibiting factor, but I doubt it's anything damning.
Are you able to use rideshare services like Uber and Lyft? If you are you might want to temper the radius you're looking for (1 mile, 10 miles, 100 miles) to what you know you're okay paying. That should make it a mostly non-issue.

I'm in a somewhat similar boat, not knowing how to drive yet, but I do have access to public transit. But Lyft is my way of getting around the limitations of going places without it. I also have a kind of unusual way of looking at money if you think you need help figuring out how to justify costs. It makes sense, it's just not how I see people usually evaluate it.
 
novastar said:
I am ALSO in Alabama. I have NEVER had a problem meeting who I like on Adam4adam and I mean since 2007.
Click to expand...

Didn't Adam4Adam get rid of their app? As i recall it was buggy. I had better luck on the website or the mobile website version. Although I haven't been on there now for a couple of years or longer. Not sure why i deleted it off my phone. I also live is a rural area and some of the apps don't even have a full screen's worth of profile pics. Seems like spam was a problem on the website.
 
I don't know about the app, PrinceCory. I just use the site itself and have met some really nice friends on A4a. I've also bought some cool toys through their affiliates. I hope I didn't come off sounding like a jerk, I was only trying to be helpful. If it were me and I were hitting up someone, I'd compliment what about them attracted me to their profile, introduce myself and see how it goes. A buggy thing about adam4adam is how the site will show you as "online" even if you've been away for many hours. This can make it appear you are ignoring when in fact you aren't.

Oh, also I believe in unlocking private pictures FIRST before asking "u have a pic" or worse yet giving a command "unlock pics." Have a few good pictures of your actual self. I'm amazed at how many people have a dick pic with obvious dirty toilet in background in their profile. Anyway I'm just trying to help ya...and I've met several people in your actual area over the years
 
novastar said:
"No car or public transportation." I'll tell you right now that's a MAJOR turn-off for me. You're putting a lot of onus on the other party. I certainly wouldn't be hooking up with someone who just got off a bike, either. If your profile pic is of you on your bike, change it. Bama isn't known for its love of cyclists.

You likely cannot host either, am I correct? That's the impression I get from you anyway and wouldn't be interested either. I'm just trying to be honest with you, not be conceited or rude. I am also not interested in being someone's "first." Ask yourself again if you are looking for "hookup only" and keep your profile succinctly around that. Adam4adam is all I have ever used here in AL and for over a decade
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Actually I can host. My problem is no one is interested in me there are at least 1-10 guys that are only 5miles away but they either block me or say I'm to far. Just makes me feel I'm to ugly
 
Croft85 said:
Actually I can host. My problem is no one is interested in me there are at least 1-10 guys that are only 5miles away but they either block me or say I'm to far. Just makes me feel I'm to ugly
Click to expand...

That last sentence may be key. I completely get that rejection hurts, especially when there are so few alternatives close by. But confidence is one of the biggest turn-ons of all. If you act confident and cheerful and assertive (without being arrogant) you’re going to have way better luck. If you come across as desperate or self-pitying, then not only is it a downer in general, but it also makes the other person feel like they’re your backup choice— which no one wants to be.

If you’re struggling with self-esteem in general, then I would recommend working on that first. Being rejected on hookup apps may just be a symptom of a deeper issue.
 
I never use the smiles and recommend you don't either. God I hate the smiley face on that. I respond to people not emoticons. You must be in the Southern part of the county then, I used to live in the Northern part. Rejection sucks. Honestly without seeing the profile all I can surmise is there is something there or something you're doing that's putting some folks off. I'm only trying to help.
 
Here is my profile can you think of anything I should add or take away? Screenshot_20190127-182923.jpg
 
^ Good job... rejection on an app is usually a rather shallow-level rejection.
 
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