Hopeless Romantic

[Laboyes]

I've moved back to CO for school. I'm on Grindr as well as a bunch of other apps to find people.

Problem is, I'm the monogamist type. I love love and all that Disneyfied shit. I understand that others do not seem to understand that.

I'm not going to change. This is as I have always been, and it's what I've always wanted.

I had a boyfriend for a time, but he left me a few months ago. I generally loved everything we were. We had problems like anyone, and we were definitely very different people. It always felt like we could work on everything, though, and I loved him at all times no matter what he did. I'm going on two months without him and still think of him every day. It's become easier of late, but the search for someone new isn't going well.

Either people aren't interested in the same thing as I would like or they don't fit my standards. I'm not too hard to please, but the last guy I met, for instance, might never have showered in his life. There have been a ton of people who have just seemed to be fools, unable to piece together more than two coherent, rational thoughts on a given day. Etc.

When I was moving around a lot the middle of last year I visited Chicago and stuff, and I wasn't really looking for anything long-term. I don't know if this is the typical state of things everywhere or just where I am. I'm not interested in a long distance relationship at the moment. I want someone to kiss in the morning in spite of the fact that we both know our breath reeks and that sort of thing.

I'm not looking for much, but is it unrealistic to expect that I'll find what I want someday?

 

[72-Jay]

I'm on Grindr as well as a bunch of other apps to find people.

From what I've heard Grindr/etc is basically just a 'hookup app' - not a place to look for anything meaningful

Problem is, I'm the monogamist type. I love love and all that Disneyfied shit. I understand that others do not seem to understand that.

This I can understand, because I have allot of the romantic/love/monogamous feelings too.
Basically any daydream I have of relationships involves romantic/love type stuff.
That all said, I wish there was a way to permanently kill/turn-off those feelings and replace them with a blank space. There are days when they're really strong, and basically running continuously as a background process. (don't get me wrong, there are times I just love to lay there in bed & daydream before going to sleep - just not the rest of the time. So really overall nothing anytime would probably be better. )

Oh and then there's the proven fact that I am absolutely unfriendable(& then by default also unloveable).

I'm not looking for much, but is it unrealistic to expect that I'll find what I want someday?

I don't see it as being unrealistic for you - unless you yourself know its unrealistic.

 

[72-Jay]

edit:
Sorry for ruining your thread with my rant

 

[eastofeden]

Spend the downtime strengthening the relationship you have with yourself....

If you do that....the chances get alot better you will be able to attract to you what you are seeking...

 

[TX-Beau]

Spend the downtime strengthening the relationship you have with yourself....

If you do that....the chances get alot better you will be able to attract to you what you are seeking...

Completely agree, take some time off and go make yourself a better you.

 

[Seasoned]

The best you can do is look for people who would one day like to have a long term relationship. It’s unreasonable to expect every date to turn into a boyfriend. There is such a thing as trying too hard. Relax and enjoy what comes along. Screen as best you can and if it’s hopeless cut it short.

 

[Laboyes]

All sage advice. I did the whole "[living] like [I was] dying" thing for a bit. I was challenging myself and doing different things because it felt as though I had to rediscover myself after having lost what I considered the most integral aspect of my life for a short time. I don't know if it's just because my ex- finally made me see that I was denying that I have always wanted "love" more than anything else or the sudden nonexistence of my best friend and the person with whom I was quickly becoming a single operating unit. Haha, I miss reading The Symposium with him in order to get him to understand the view of love I've stolen from Plato's Aristophanes.

Anyway, there's no doubt that we moved at a more rapid pace than would have been prudent. There's that lovely Shakespeare quote everyone knows about "violent delights". I rationalized my negative experience by saying it was a result of our fast pace. It's cliché (the young, angsty gay guy finding solace in poetry), but for a time I was able to reassure myself with Tennyson's stuff everyone also knows about "[love] and loss" and more Eliot than a sane person would have to read and all that.

After about a month and a week without him it had finally begun to become easier. I'd had about two good weeks. For a couple of weeks I was starting to feel like myself again. Whatever the reason, my sense of self has seemingly vanished once again.

Today --well, technically yesterday-- I was narrating Swinburne's "The Triumph of Time" and had my first crying breakdown in a while. Again, I've become the bog-standard, emotionally unstable dumped guy, but c'est la vie.

I know it will get better again. I'm sorry to have taken up y'all's time with trivial, juvenile shit. I know there are far worse things in life. It's just becoming hard again, and I'd hoped having an audience to receive my account would help me take steps in the right direction once again. Now I just feel like a whiny child.

 

[Laboyes]

Oh yeah, just realized it all might be hitting me again because I've now got a FWB, which sort of makes me feel cheap. I've become a bit of a horn dog, and it's nice to finally have an outlet again. Still, I know this sort of thing is not what I want.

Also, my longest friendship has sort of ended. I hadn't kept in contact with anyone else from home since leaving again, really. Not even my family members. They're all really religious, including the aforementioned friend. Apparently I'm treating myself in a "disgusting" way, and I've lost the last of that support.

 

[NotHardUp1]

You are facing a classic paradox.

Raised in a loving but homophobic family, you are left with a choice of finding your way to the next you, or holding onto the last you. Becoming an adult and independent is a legitimate process, so please do not disparage adolescence or yourself my degrading it with negative or dismissive terms. And there is nothing magical about college age that defines the end of adolescence as a bright line.

I took a lot longer to part with the former me, but eventually I could not stay in a town or state where I wouldn't be accepted as me, where I would be forever defined as a failure or reject or similar pariah.

There is nothing to apologize for in wanting an LTR. However, you are in a rare opportunity as a college student. You are surrounded by a good number of people who share a lot in common, both students and professors, and are potentially friends and allies. I suspect like a lot of couples, you and your ex may have isolated to some degree emotionally. If that is true, this is a great time to repair that damage to your communal psyche. Get back to the business of building and maintaining friendships via whatever interests you have in common with your school mates. Broaden your social base.

As a final thought, you mention your dating prospects as panning out to be the wrong sort. While I agree that Grindr may be as forlorn as Craigslist for finding men of integrity, there may be a problem in signaling somehow. I was listening to a documentary on online dating last week and a professional woman had paid this sort of life coach type matchmaker, and she was pleased with the results. Her narrative included describing how she had reshaped and revamped her online profiles after considering what they seem to present her as.

I'm leaving that open intentionally. I have no idea what your profiles suggest about you. Do you? How do you assess them? Is there a link between what they present and what you are attracting?

As to the FWB, meh. You're young. Maybe it's better to have a bed mate than a soul mate instead of being the victim of hormones 24/7.

 

[TX-Beau]

College is the only time in your life when you will have the prerogatives of an adult, without the responsibilities. Don't waste valuable youth on angst.

Having a steady fuck and searching for Prince Charming are not mutually exclusive endeavors. I personally have never understood why having a really good time with a guy who had one too, must be morally suspect, empty, seedy, or any other kind of negative thing just because it's sex. Had we played tennis and had a good time, no one would bitch and cast judgement. Have your good time, don't worry about it, and sooner or later you'll stumble across your guy.

 

[Laboyes]

NotHardUp1, the good news is that my family was actually becoming much more supportive. My mother loved my ex-. He texted her more often than I did... Apparently I'm looking for a homologue of my mother even in homosexual relationships, 'cause they were uncannily similar (yeah, I'm going with the hackneyed heimlich unheimlich thing Freud did).

I use more than Grindr, it's just the first app that comes to mind. Haha, a matchmaker might not be a poor idea. Maybe I'll sing some song to "Dear Yente" and hope for a sprightly shadchan to show up.

Maybe I'll also have someone help me fix up my profiles. I change the stuff on all the apps frequently enough, though, because I'm a showoff. I should also probably be more willing to give people a chance. Maybe I only let undesirables through. There's that Marillion song that says something about "[f]orever chasing frogs who think they're princes"...

In the interim though, I'm just not getting what I want from this FWB. Sex is nice, sure. Considering that I don't really care about moral implications or anything, I just need to have something to hold me over until the next batter comes up for a swing.

It's just that it's been remarkably passionless. Sure, I'm attracted to this guy. Truth be told, he is an awful kisser. I never knew I'd find myself cringing while kissing. The rest of it feels like we're fulfilling some sort of responsibility to our bodies and doesn't quite do it for me.

I also would like at least a literal bed mate. I don't care that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. But fuck, he hasn't even spent the night yet. I love the cuddling thing, and my kitty's proclivity to spoon wanes with the moon.

Maybe this has all emerged as a result of the general lack of communication. If I have him over again I think I can address the passion thing by just attacking him and ripping off his clothing when we past the threshold. Then, at some point, I can try to fix the terrible kissing thing. I understand that I'll have to tread carefully, but saying something like "just let me try something," being slow --I won't let him continually shove his tongue apparently as far into my mouth as it will go-- might help him learn how to make the experience more pleasant without causing him to be self-conscious. As for the sleeping over thing, I'm not sure how exactly to fix that other than just talking about it.

Anyway, yeah, this is all some very fun stuff through which to be going.

 

[ballcaphair]

College is the only time in your life when you will have the prerogatives of an adult, without the responsibilities. Don't waste valuable youth on angst.

Having a steady fuck and searching for Prince Charming are not mutually exclusive endeavors. I personally have never understood why having a really good time with a guy who had one too, must be morally suspect, empty, seedy, or any other kind of negative thing just because it's sex. Had we played tennis and had a good time, no one would bitch and cast judgement. Have your good time, don't worry about it, and sooner or later you'll stumble across your guy.

Amen. This is exactly how I realized I am bi. TX-Beau is singing the song of our people.