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I don't post here much, but i've been going through a strange situation lately and haven't had anyone to talk to. Mainly because it's about the person I would usually tell it to. I met an amazing musician (I'm also a musician) last year and we're both 25, into the same music/interests. I assumed he was straight from the beginning, despite finding him beautiful in an androgynous kind of beautiful, long-haired Jim Morrison kind of way. But resolved not to develop a crush on him.
Fast forward a few months, we've gotten so incredibly close. We spend days on end together, whole weekends just in his bedroom or in mine and I've never been quite this close to anyone. And I've told him I'm gay and he tells me he's only mostly straight - he identifies somewhere between heteroflexible to bisexual. He's a pretty hopeless romantic with women and it seems he's smitten by a different girl every couple of weeks; he's only had sex with one man in college and most of his male crushes are actors. Somewhere along the way, our best guy friendship became overtly flirtatious. He started to tell me how how handsome and then 'pretty' and then 'sexy' I am and constantly comment on my features like my eyes and lips. He likes to comment when he thinks someone is interested in me and kind of talk about what I'd be like in bed (hypothetically). Then we have hypothetical conversations about how sex can complicate intimate friendships and how sometimes the friendship is more important. Real subtle. It's always been pretty innocent and I hold back in what I tell him beyond 'you look really good tonight' or 'that's a sexy picture of you' because I've realized I actually do have feelings now.
But he's gotten serious with a girl now and there's a tenseness when we spend days and nights together. He says we should sleep in the same bed and just cuddle and then holds back because he wants to be a 'good guy'. We got drunk recently and he overtly just said 'Sometimes i just want to kiss you, sometimes i can't help it. But I want to be a good boyfriend. I know that's wrong.' I said nothing and he got insecure asked, 'Is that a one-sided feeling? Did I make things awkward?' And I told him it's not and it's not awkward, but I couldn't say much more. Because I know I want him in a way I can't have him in. We spent the rest of that night kind of talking about sex and what we like sexually and I told him a sexual story and he kept getting hard and it was a little weird. He asked me if I would ever get involved with a guy who had sex with a woman but only one woman and no one else. I said I'd prefer to have him to myself.
At this point, I know he wants to fuck me. He tells me every time he sees me now that I'm beautiful and I think he knows that if we have sex, things will change between us. Also there's the girlfriend, who he likes to tell me he doesn't see a future with. Who he tells me is jealous of me and suspects we've had sex. But even if they break up, I'm sure there'll be someone else. He likes vaginal sex a lot. He asked me once, after I pondered how it feels to have m2f opp surgery, if I would do it and he suggested that I should. The scary thing is…. I feel that for him, I would consider it. If that meant what he suggests it means.
Now that I've written all this out, I don't know why I did. I guess I'm looking for advice and hoping for something more than just people telling me how stupid I am. I don't need to be told there are plenty of fish. I've been used and treated like shit by so many gay men since I was 16 and I've been numb in this area of my life for years. This guy is the first man I feel like I can bare everything to, spend endless days with, and I know his sexuality complicates things. Our friendship does too. So does his wandering eye. But I don't care; hell, I'd consider becoming a woman for this guy which is INSANE. (I won't do that) I just need a little reassurance.
Fast forward a few months, we've gotten so incredibly close. We spend days on end together, whole weekends just in his bedroom or in mine and I've never been quite this close to anyone. And I've told him I'm gay and he tells me he's only mostly straight - he identifies somewhere between heteroflexible to bisexual. He's a pretty hopeless romantic with women and it seems he's smitten by a different girl every couple of weeks; he's only had sex with one man in college and most of his male crushes are actors. Somewhere along the way, our best guy friendship became overtly flirtatious. He started to tell me how how handsome and then 'pretty' and then 'sexy' I am and constantly comment on my features like my eyes and lips. He likes to comment when he thinks someone is interested in me and kind of talk about what I'd be like in bed (hypothetically). Then we have hypothetical conversations about how sex can complicate intimate friendships and how sometimes the friendship is more important. Real subtle. It's always been pretty innocent and I hold back in what I tell him beyond 'you look really good tonight' or 'that's a sexy picture of you' because I've realized I actually do have feelings now.
But he's gotten serious with a girl now and there's a tenseness when we spend days and nights together. He says we should sleep in the same bed and just cuddle and then holds back because he wants to be a 'good guy'. We got drunk recently and he overtly just said 'Sometimes i just want to kiss you, sometimes i can't help it. But I want to be a good boyfriend. I know that's wrong.' I said nothing and he got insecure asked, 'Is that a one-sided feeling? Did I make things awkward?' And I told him it's not and it's not awkward, but I couldn't say much more. Because I know I want him in a way I can't have him in. We spent the rest of that night kind of talking about sex and what we like sexually and I told him a sexual story and he kept getting hard and it was a little weird. He asked me if I would ever get involved with a guy who had sex with a woman but only one woman and no one else. I said I'd prefer to have him to myself.
At this point, I know he wants to fuck me. He tells me every time he sees me now that I'm beautiful and I think he knows that if we have sex, things will change between us. Also there's the girlfriend, who he likes to tell me he doesn't see a future with. Who he tells me is jealous of me and suspects we've had sex. But even if they break up, I'm sure there'll be someone else. He likes vaginal sex a lot. He asked me once, after I pondered how it feels to have m2f opp surgery, if I would do it and he suggested that I should. The scary thing is…. I feel that for him, I would consider it. If that meant what he suggests it means.
Now that I've written all this out, I don't know why I did. I guess I'm looking for advice and hoping for something more than just people telling me how stupid I am. I don't need to be told there are plenty of fish. I've been used and treated like shit by so many gay men since I was 16 and I've been numb in this area of my life for years. This guy is the first man I feel like I can bare everything to, spend endless days with, and I know his sexuality complicates things. Our friendship does too. So does his wandering eye. But I don't care; hell, I'd consider becoming a woman for this guy which is INSANE. (I won't do that) I just need a little reassurance.
