How can I keep a straight friend?

[easyroad]

So, I don't have many friends in real life. My acquaintances tend to be straight guys and most of our conversations are about shared interests, like video games and stuff. One of those however, is what I can call a "best friend". We've known each other for 10+ years and we've been quite close.

Things change, however. He has a girlfriend now, so he doesn't have as much free time. Also, his interests have expanded to things that are waay too... straight for me to follow. Some of those I can enjoy - the Spartacus show on Starz is really good! - but others, like ultimate fighting, tend to alienate me. His other friends are way more enthusiastic about it.

I don't have a problem with any of it, of course. But it made me wonder how close we really are.

Sure, we still meet, talk and have a great time. He even identified me on Facebook as a "brother" even though we aren't related - how awesome is that? But best friends are people you feel safe talking about anything... and how close are we really if all we talk about is entertainment stuff? And even in that front, there are people who are a lot more like him than I am.

And that's a good time to say this: he still doesn't know that I'm gay.

My policy about being out is: only those closest to me (my parents and sister) need to know - and the rest can figure it out on their own. But since I don't have much of a gay social life (or a straight one, for that matter), there are little things for people to pick up and make their own conclusions.

I'm reluctant to come out to him for a few reasons. One of those is that I feel he's not too receptive to the concept of homosexuality (even though I managed to open his mind quite a bit). Also, since I don't have a boyfriend, haven't had sex or even gone to a gay club yet... what good would coming out do? Either everything would change and he'd start avoiding me... or nothing would change, but our differences would be highlighted and our distance would grow with time, just as it is right now.

Making gay friends is something I very much want to do - but having the initiative to go to a gay club is difficult to me for some reason. But I feel like I can't go on with this disconnect.

At the end of all this, my question is: despite of our differences, is this friendship worth saving? Can a gay man and a straight man be friends?

 

[trikky]

yes they can. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you have little social life of any sort. This guy seems to think a lot of you if he identifies you as his brother. Maybe because you are not open with him it makes it difficult for you to feel as close to him as he does to you. The thing is that maybe as you make and develop gay friends that this friendship may start to become less important but because you have been close, maybe you should give him the opportunity to become closer by being out to him. You may find that the trust and closeness improves. With any friends we will always have some differences in interests so I wouldn't let that be your reason to stop being involved as a friend.

 

[racer2438]

One thing to throw out there is if you do tell him make sure it is understood that when you tell him you want to remain friends, not that you want to hook up with him and make it very clear.

THat way it can clear the air and he wont be nervous around you. If he asks questions give him clear honest answers. That could let the trust you have grow/get better.

 

[evanrick]

ultimate fighting? is that the cage fights? that shit is hot yo.
maybe the next time you are watching it together you can just say something like "that guy is ripped", "look at those pecs!" etc...lol..so there are creative ways to out yourself.

 

[texan_slant]

You've done great so far maintaining that close straight friend, and if he thinks of you as a bro, then he must be a great friend.

Continue finding that one activity or activities that you can connect with him on, even if it's going out to dinner and having a chat/convo.

All of my best friends are straight; I have no gay friends (which I also need to work on!), so it can be done.

Just be yourself as much as you can, and perhaps out yourself if/when you're ready.

Keep in mind, though, that friendship dynamics can change out of circumstance, even if it's not to anyone's fault, and unless it was a strong friendship to begin with, can cause friends to drift.

 

[TX-Beau]

Also, since I don't have a boyfriend, haven't had sex or even gone to a gay club yet... what good would coming out do?

Making gay friends is something I very much want to do - but having the initiative to go to a gay club is difficult to me for some reason. But I feel like I can't go on with this disconnect.

Of course gay people can be friends with straight people. Do you really need to ask that? the real question is how straight people react when you tell them you aren't the guy you said you were for 10+ years.

It never fails to amaze when I hear the above from guys in the closet. Of course you don't have a social life. You're hiding, none of us can find you. If only your parents and sister know, how is anyone supposed to ask you out? If it's your "policy" (this is still the closet sugar, but at least the door is cracked) that only those people know, how are gay guys supposed to relate to you as a gay guy?

I'm guessing you want out, but just haven't jumped yet.

How old are you? If you're really young, start with a gay youth group, you can find them pretty easily on the net. You just have to want to look.

Spartacus is the gayest thing I've seen on TV in years. I mean, damn, all those sweaty, straining, muscle men in loincloths.

 

[Charmander]

"even though I managed to open his mind quite a bit"

What kind of straight guy would be progay, barring a hardcore Democrat? Most guys I know talk about this "hot bitch", etc., if you never talk about girls, plus your attempts at opening his mind, I'm pretty sure he knows.

 

[easyroad]

Maybe because you are not open with him it makes it difficult for you to feel as close to him as he does to you. The thing is that maybe as you make and develop gay friends that this friendship may start to become less important but because you have been close, maybe you should give him the opportunity to become closer by being out to him. You may find that the trust and closeness improves. With any friends we will always have some differences in interests so I wouldn't let that be your reason to stop being involved as a friend.

I really like your post. I agree, it would be unfair for me to end this friendship when I never allowed him to be as close to me as I am to him.

I'm pretty decided now that I need to come out to him. The only question is when will I be ready...

ultimate fighting? is that the cage fights? that shit is hot yo.
maybe the next time you are watching it together you can just say something like "that guy is ripped", "look at those pecs!" etc...lol..so there are creative ways to out yourself.

Well, I've made some "wow, this is kinda homoerotic!" comments, but they just laugh and shrug it off. They take it very seriously.

What kind of straight guy would be progay, barring a hardcore Democrat? Most guys I know talk about this "hot bitch", etc., if you never talk about girls, plus your attempts at opening his mind, I'm pretty sure he knows.

Yeah, I kinda feel like he should have figured it out already! Between the snarky comments I mentioned above and the pro-gay stances and the poorly hidden gay porn files, there were A LOT of incriminating moments in these 10+ years... but he still thinks I'm straight. A nerdy guy who lacks women skills.

But then again, it's foolish to expect him to force me out of the closet.

It never fails to amaze when I hear the above from guys in the closet. Of course you don't have a social life. You're hiding, none of us can find you. If only your parents and sister know, how is anyone supposed to ask you out? If it's your "policy" (this is still the closet sugar, but at least the door is cracked) that only those people know, how are gay guys supposed to relate to you as a gay guy?

I see your point. And I don't disagree, in more ways than one, I'm still in the closet.

The way I justified it in my mind is that I would go out, meet new people and if my new friends and "adventures" were to become known by others, then I wouldn't deny them. And then I'd be out.

Except that I never really went out, lol...

I'm not trying to justify myself or anything, but it might be interesting to know that I live in Brazil - and not in a known city, like Rio or São Paulo. People's views on homosexuality in general around this part are that of gays being extravagant, promiscuous freaks. And even knowing that I've always been a "mainstream" kind of guy for the 23 years she raised me, my mother didn't react well at all to the fact that I'm gay (ironically, my father was way more acceptive). All in all, it's not in an inviting environment to be out.

One thing to throw out there is if you do tell him make sure it is understood that when you tell him you want to remain friends, not that you want to hook up with him and make it very clear.

THat way it can clear the air and he wont be nervous around you. If he asks questions give him clear honest answers. That could let the trust you have grow/get better.

Ugh... this is one of the reasons I dread coming out to him. I REALLY hope he doesn't think I have a crush on him, that's absolutely NOT the case.

 

[hackingnomberr]

As far as your views on coming out, we're in the same boat.
Unless I have something to come out of the closet with, what am I going to come out for?
I'm pretty sure your friend would understand if you really want to tell him though, people our age really don't care much about homosexuality they just don't understand it.~

 

[trikky]

well from my personal experience I'd say that even if your not ready to come out, it's time to start living your life. Carry on seeing your friend as before, but join a gay social group and make some new friends. As you develop and gain perspectives by just living the part of a gay guy you will likely gain the confidence to come out.