How do I accept myself and change my perception of the world?

[SAdude]

Hi guys

So a lil background, Im 22 and from South Africa, a student living at home with very homophobic family and friends.

Anyways Ive been trying to accept myself in the past few months, because Ive heard its much better to accept yourself before you come out. The reason Im having trouble accepting myself is because I thought the way to accept yourself is to convince yourself that you can be happy, which leads me to think of how my future will involve me being happy as a gay guy, but everytime I think of it I dont see any way of my life turning out happy because I honestly dont believe any of my friends or family will accept me. I dont know how to separate the two so that I can accept myself

Also, Ive been quite down, because I feel very angry at the world and society for making life so hard for me, and this makes me angry and sad at the same time, I really feel strong hate toward them and dont know to change my way of thinking to make it better

Hopefully I can get some advice here, and thanks in advance

 

[rareboy]

I dont see any way of my life turning out happy because I honestly dont believe any of my friends or family will accept me.

Welcome.

The problem, you see, is that you've already made up everybody's mind for them.

How do you know they'll reject you?

How do you know that if they do, you won't find other friends who love you for who you are, not what they want you to be?

You have to ditch the hate and the 'poor me' attitude. I know it can be hard. But it is the way you're wired and as someone who has been a happy and out homo, including partnered for over 27 years, I tell you you can have a great life while also loving cock and having deeper emotional connections to guys than females.

So what to do.

At some point, you are going to have to put it to the test and tell someone in your circle that you are gay. You don't have to throw a parade or have an intervention, but as an adult, you need to make it clear to everyone around you that you are not only defined by them. You are your own man and can be responsible for your own life.

If your family can't cope, give them the sources they can turn to to help them understand you better.

If your friends can't cope, then it is just time to realize that they actually aren't your friends at all. They are acquaintances.

Get out there.

Live.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Here's a link for resources in your area:

http://gaysouthafrica.org.za/intro.php

There's a whole community of support out there literally at your finger tips. You need to talk to people who have been through what you are going through, people in your own community that understand your personal culture and society.

Coming out is hard. It gets easier, though.

In relation to the above link, I'll emphasize these two areas:

Advice area plus a Helpline where you can phone someone to chat:
http://gaysouthafrica.org.za/test.php?link=4&sub=1

An area that focuses on coming out:
http://gaysouthafrica.org.za/test.php?link=7&sub=1

 

[SAdude]

Thanks for the responses so far, rareboy Im assuming that you actually want answers to the questions you asked so Ill answer them

Welcome.

The problem, you see, is that you've already made up everybody's mind for them.

How do you know they'll reject you?

Dad - no one can argue with him on anything, he is very involved in his church and believes everything the minister says, and this minister has said that being gay is a sin in his sermons, so my dad will try to pray it out of me and believe that I will go to hell

Mom - I heard her say a few months ago to another woman 'Ill never be able to handle it if I had a gay child'

Brother - Me and him already dont get along and he often makes fun of me, I doubt me coming out as gay will make it any better

How do you know that if they do, you won't find other friends who love you for who you are, not what they want you to be?

Im shy enough as it is now and am not very sociable so am not good at meeting people.When my family reject me that will only make me more lonely and depressed, making it even harder than it is now

So what to do.

At some point, you are going to have to put it to the test and tell someone in your circle that you are gay. You don't have to throw a parade or have an intervention, but as an adult, you need to make it clear to everyone around you that you are not only defined by them. You are your own man and can be responsible for your own life.

Well thats what Im trying to get to, but all advice Ive read says that you need to be happy with yourself first, eg here is a quote from the site recommended to me above

Coming to have positive feelings about one's homosexuality is an essential part of the coming out process. Until one feels good about being gay, it makes little sense to share the fact of one's sexual orientation with others

If your friends can't cope, then it is just time to realize that they actually aren't your friends at all. They are acquaintances.

Its not that simple, my 2 current friends are my cousin and my other brothers best friends (that bro has moved to another town)

The cousin has already stopped being friends with a guy once the guy said he was gay

As for my friend, just a few months ago he said that he 'avoids gay people like cancer', so I wouldnt wanna cause any tension between him and my brother

 

[Audio Tech]

Well, going by what you have written above, and my OWN life.... you really have only 3 choices.

Suck it up like I did and prepare to live a lonely, and depressed life, leading to feelings of suicide because you are living THEIR lives. Not yours.

Come out once you get so bad that you are willing to accept ALL the consequences, regardless of what they are. (This is what I did, but at 45. I was FUCKED UP my whole life.) I HAD to accept myself, finally, and act on it.

In my case it turned out fine, but I couldn't know that.


Work on being independent, moving away, and then living as who you are away from your "judgemental peers".

This may be your best bet. No matter how hard you repress who you are, eventually you WILL loose that battle. Sadly, some guys would rather kill themselves than admit who they are. Very sad. But I was there, so I can relate to this.

That's all I have.... I hope it helps you in some way.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

When I was in the process of coming out I felt like I could not talk to my family and current set of friends. My family life then was pretty fucked up so it really wasn't a safe place for me to be, let alone confide in anyone. The area that I lived in (suburbs) was very homophobic and unsupportive and I did not want to talk to anyone there either.

So, I found new friends in the city. Metropolitan areas are great for gay people: there's a larger population of us, and the "small town attitude" towards gays is gone. Not only did I feel accepted, I was accepted for who I was.

I strongly suggest that you use the links I supplied above and get a hold of a real person to chat with, even if its just on the phone. This forum is all well and good, but we're floating in cyber space here. You need something solid, a friend.

 

[SAdude]

Thanks again for the responses so far, but I see most if not all of them are only relating to the coming out and telling people part.

Can no one tell me how you guys manage to go on being happy without being angry at the world? Or do I have to come out first before I will not be angry with the world?

 

[rareboy]

What you really need is a good solid boyfriend.

Or any new friend that knows you're a homo but loves you anyway.

Because otherwise, I'm sorry to say, you are not going to get rid of the anger or come to a point about feeling good about yourself.

Read what you wrote back to me in response to my post.

Your entire life is apparently defined by 5 people. This is not healthy at your age. Until you stop being angry about them, you are paralyzed. Frankly, they all sound horrible and I can't imagine why you permit yourself to be captive to them.

You will also never get over your bitterness and anger until you stop erecting barriers to your own happiness.

Everything you write is about what you can't do. Not about what you want to do. Do you not picture a career? Or moving to a different place? Or travelling?

Do you not have any dreams or ambitions?

Even in your thread here, you've skipped over the point of the advice that a number of people have given.

I don't think that coming out will make you less angry because I think the reasons for the anger are much broader and deeper than the fact you want to fuck guys.

But I think you may need a catharsis in your life to kickstart you into living it for yourself and not as an extension of other people's. Frankly i think you need to grow up and one of the ways is to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

Coming out is one way to do this.

Leaving home is another.

Getting some real professional counselling may also be a good idea.

 

[KaraBulut]

When we talk about accepting yourself in this forum, we're staying several things:

• You have to accept that you're gay and you're not going to be able to change that fact.
• You have to love yourself as the complex and imperfect person you are.
• You have to believe that there's nothing wrong with being gay.
• You have to believe that being gay doesn't mean that you have to accept society's view of who you are or what you should be.

It sounds like you've accepted that you're gay. However, you haven't quite moved past your family's homophobia and outdated religious views.

You're an adult. It's about you now.

So, I found new friends in the city. Metropolitan areas are great for gay people: there's a larger population of us, and the "small town attitude" towards gays is gone. Not only did I feel accepted, I was accepted for who I was.

^^QFT

In the US, the term "family" is used by gay people to refer to other gay people or to one's circle of friends. But it also references how gay people often build a new family of close friends and supportive, open-minded people.

That's part of what you need to do here. You can start with online friends but ultimately, it's the real-life flesh-and-blood ones that really matter.