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How do I confront him?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Martkell2007
  • Start date Start date
M

Martkell2007

Guest
My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 3 months, and I felt like things were going well. There are issues between us as seen in my previous threads, but I love him, and from what I could tell he loves me. He still does the little romantic things like make me breakfast on Sundays.

We've always trusted each other and so I've never snooped . But last night he got a phone call on his work phone from an unknown number. I shurgged it off, but noticed how defensive he got. His unnecessary defense raised my brow. So when he went to sleep, I went to his phone. It's password protected, but I have the password, as well as the password to his ATM account (letting you know how we trust each other).

I found no weird numbers, but there were email accounts unknown to me tied to his phone. When I opened them I found dozens of emails arranging hookups with men. I work a lot, sometimes 12 hours a day, so he would have time to sneak them in...but I could have never saw this coming. My instincts screamed of it, but my mind said it couldn't be true. Most of them were dated far in the past, but a few were recent.

How do I confront him about this without coming off as dramatic. I've already decided I'm not going to yell, scream, or cry. But I don't want this to blow up, and part of me doesn't want to lose this relationship. Part of me wishes I'd never looked in the phone. I've packed my things in one place for a quick move in case things go badly when I confront him after I get off of work. I know most of you would say ditch him, but if there are alternatives, I'd like to hear them. Btw, I plan on confronting him tonight.
 
While I can't suggest how you should approach him about it, I can suggest this: You should ask why. It might be something you can correct that will make him more interested in you, or what you are lacking that you could fix.
 
If he got defensive upon asking about the call, he will not like that you snooped in his phone, email accts.

Snooping is one of the worst things to do in a relationship. Although I think you had the gut feeling something was wrong, you should of just gone out and asked and gotton it over with, the "asking part".
At 3 months you really dont know alot about ea other yet. Your may still be in the lust stage and growing more attached to ea other.

To avoid anyone being hurt and what you know and feel now you may want to have a good sit daown talk and get it all out now before it gets worse.

There may be sometheing missing in your relationship thats missing either by you or him.

You did not state if you knew his backround prior to you guys meeting. Did he have a history that you know of his past that may still be following him.

this is why you 2 need to sit down a talk. Having" your things pack and ready" could be taken as a sign you have already left.

talk and be honest with ea other.

and please do not snoop any more. It also makes you feel guilty,mad,worried ect ect.

my Bf/ and I have been together for 24yrs and it atlks alot of work, trust, communication, love, and no snooping.


good luck
 
I don't understand why the others are saying stay with the guy.. It looks like hes been caught cheating on you, and he has no qualms with keeping secrets, or having flings on the side..

Perhaps dumping him without letting him know you looked into his phone? :/

Or.. Letting him know that the honesty and trust element is completely lacking in the relationship..

Don't know exactly, but I would get out.
 
Racer, is it technically snooping if he gives me the password to everything. I've been with enough guys to know the hide-in-the-open tactic. Your boyfriend gives you access to everything hoping you'll trust him and not snoop because he's so forthcoming.

I write about relationships, so I know some things. Not everything. But I make it a point of telling every guy I date that if he wants to be with other guys, don't hide it. Just tell me so I can move on and get over him. This guy in particular said he understands and that he doesn't want anyone else.

He even made a point to say that he's not like the other guys I've met.
 
Of course he isn't like every other guy you met..

He is different, like everyone else in the world is. :p
 
Of course he isn't like every other guy you met..

He is different, like everyone else in the world is.
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ha ha ha This is after I told him that I didn't want to introduce him to my parents yet because most guys didn't stick around long enough to bother me going through the trouble of introducing them to my parents.
 
Martkell2007 said:
Racer, is it technically snooping if he gives me the password to everything. I've been with enough guys to know the hide-in-the-open tactic. Your boyfriend gives you access to everything hoping you'll trust him and not snoop because he's so forthcoming.

I write about relationships, so I know some things. Not everything. But I make it a point of telling every guy I date that if he wants to be with other guys, don't hide it. Just tell me so I can move on and get over him. This guy in particular said he understands and that he doesn't want anyone else.

He even made a point to say that he's not like the other guys I've met.
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This is why (I) think it's snooping. Yes one can go into one's personal acct's for the purpose of doing regular bussiness. But you went in looking for "who had called" and to check his email.

To me thats were the differance is.

others may not think that . We my bf and I do not have the need to snoop, but your bf has given you the need, but it was up to you to decide if you wanted to snoop or not.

now that you have and seen it, you must now decide what your going to do. . But given the seniero it doesnt look good for him, unless he has a major beleiveable answer, and even that would be questionable.

you may want to rethink your relationship, but only you can do this.
 
all this no-snooping bollocks is realy tired old rubbish

im not saying you should snooop but if your suspicion is raised, then you have a right to know.

and since he gave you the passwords, he's essentially giving you access permission.

if he gives you shit about this snooping thing and refuses to be forthcoming with what the emails have been about, then take off.
 
If this relationship doesn't work out, I'm going to start dating black women. Maybe I'll find more luck there. Maybe find someone who's faithful.
 
Martkell2007 said:
If this relationship doesn't work out, I'm going to start dating black women. Maybe I'll find more luck there. Maybe find someone who's faithful.
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I can't disagree with you implying women are more faithful. My past hasn't proven that men are! Good luck... keep us updated. :)
 
Three months (especially if you work 12 hour shifts) is an impossibly short space of time to get to know someone - let alone believe yourself to be in love with him.

Love cannot exist where there is no trust - haven't you ever read the story of 'Bluebeard'?

The fact that you say you plan to 'confront' him suggests your efforts are doomed from the start - you'll come across as self-righteous, jealous, suspicious and distrustful.

It sounds like you've rushed into living together without haver ever rationally discussed or defined important matters like commitment or expectations. I think that the fact that this new relationship is bringing up so many issues for you is a sign that you need to slow down and think about things first. You say that you don't want to over-dramatise but I think your behaviour suggests that being 'dramatic' - i.e emotional, romantic and confrontational - is your habitual way of interacting.
 
It sounds like you've rushed into living together without haver ever rationally discussed or defined important matters like commitment or expectations. I think that the fact that this new relationship is bringing up so many issues for you is a sign that you need to slow down and think about things first. You say that you don't want to over-dramatise but I think your behaviour suggests that being 'dramatic' - i.e emotional, romantic and confrontational - is your habitual way of interacting.
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I don't always work 12 hour shifts, and when he's off of work, I'm off of work at the same time in a lot of cases. We don't live together, my apologies if you got that impression. Your inference that my habitual way of reacting is dramatic is also incorrect.

You are right about love existing where there is no trust. But there is a lot of trust in our relationship. Let me quote myself to make my point:
I have the password, as well as the password to his ATM account (letting you know how we trust each other).
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And as an update, I confronted him. And I didn't come off as self-righteous, jealous, or suspicious, but I may have come off as distrustful. He attempted to divert my inquiry by saying I shouldn't have gone in his phone. I told him that in a relationship, the fact that I looked into his phone isn't a violation of privacy esp. if I'm given the password to the phone. I told him I'm too young to waste time on someone who isn't going to put me first. He said "I'm tired. Can't we talk about this tomorrow." Then he rolled me over on the bed, put his arm around me, we both said "I love you," and we fell asleep. This morning we woke up as usual, he made me coffee, I got all his things in order so he wouldn't forget anything on the way to work, we told each other "I love you," and that was it.

Part of me feels it's going to be a while when and if this issue resurfaces. But for now, I plan on dropping it. I don't live with him, and I always protect my heart. If things go south, I'll have no problem jumping ship and moving on.
 
That sort of response from a guy is one that wants to have his cake and eat it too. Probably was best to move on.


To play my favorite Devil's advocate here; perhaps the reason he felt the need to seek people online for sex was that sex in your relationship was lacking or not exciting? Just something to think about.
 
To play my favorite Devil's advocate here; perhaps the reason he felt the need to seek people online for sex was that sex in your relationship was lacking or not exciting? Just something to think about.
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If that's the case, he knows he can tell me. If anyone is dissatisfied with sex it's ME. He has some shortcomings in the bedroom. (dick size isn't one of them)
 
He is so cheating on you.

The "you shouldn't be looking through my stuff" excuse is the typical argument people who know did something bad use in order to make you feel guilty and driver attention away from what they did.

Had I found that in my bf's phone my 1 year and 8 months relationship would be over in a second.

I don't think you should put up with his crap, especially when it's not just cheating he's putting your life at risk (you know STDs and stuff).

It's better to be alone than with a bad person.
 
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