How do I get my best friend back?

[TX-Beau]

Hmmmmm. the betrayal is quite new here, I don't think it's very helpful to imply that the OP needs to make allownaces just now, later perhaps, but he's entitled to his anger and he's entitled to his distance, and portraying the other guy as a kind of lost lamb out in the dark can come across as excusing the enormity of what he did.

Yes we can all sympathize with the gay guy in love with the straight guy, but then we should all remember that this gay guy was under no illusions, and did what he did with full knowledge of the situation.

Is that pitiable? Sure, but we do no one any service by saying things like:

"...well yes he almost raped you - but he's such a good friend, you should give him a break, and good friends like that are hard to come by..."

You know what, I think I can do without good friends who sexually assault me in my sleep. The guy was not being a good friend, he hasn't been being a good friend in some time, because he's selfishly insisting on putting a guy who IS a good friend into impossible situations, then assaulting him.

Now if the OP wants to forgive, that's his prerogative, and if he does, I suspect it will take some time, and a lot of behavior modification on the part of the other guy, which won't happen so long as the gay guy can possibly convince himself that he has a chance.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Hey Rob,

I've been following your thread here since you first posted it.

I thought about adding mi dos centavos a couple of times, but I really didn't have anything to add beyond what's already been shared by the guys here.

It's clear that you really do care about your friendship with your best friend, and that you do love this guy.

So I hope what I'm about to share with you helps you to take the next step in maintaining your friendship with him.

Back when I was about 14 or 15 years old, my Uncle remarried and the woman that he married had three kids. Her oldest was 13, and before I ever really knew that I was "gay" I fell in love with him. Not just because he was really good looking, but because we became such great friends.

We literally did everything together.

Camping, sports, double-dating, he helped me fix up my first car, I helped him fix up his. All through middle school and High School we were pretty much inseparable. Even though technically he was my "step-cousin," he became more family to me than most of my own family.

We both joined the military after High School, and staid in touch with each other on almost a weekly basis through letters, and phone calls where ever we found ourselves out in the world.

By the time we both returned home, I was more comfortable with my own sexuality, and found myself more attracted to him than ever.

I even shared those feelings with him at one point, and I mistook his being "okay with it," as an invitation to pursue things a little further.

We had a weekend similar to one that you described in your post #38 here.

It wasn't uncommon for he and I to share a bed, or a sleeping bag together over the years, so getting drunk and passing out together was no big deal.

Usually we were wearing shorts, and t-shirt, but this time it was hot and we both had stripped down to our underwear.

I came to that morning before he did, and he was laying there facing me and I started checking him out just laying there passed out, and I noticed that he was sporting some "morning wood," and without thinking I reached down and touched it.

(What a stupid thing to do! As horny and semi-drunk as I was I just wasn't thinking!)

Within about half a second he grabbed my hand hard, pushed me away and rolled over and went back to sleep.

Later that morning he got up, didn't mention it, and I thought that maybe he didn't remember it. I was hoping that he wouldn't anyway.

After he went home he stopped answering his phone, and he wouldn't return any of my phone calls.

I felt awful. I thought that miscalculation on my part had ruined our friendship forever.

We had already made plans to work on my car together the following weekend, and I was nervous about whether or not he would show up to help.

I was pretty excited to see him come up the drive way.

But he didn't show up to help me work on my car.

Instead he share with me how much our friendship meant to him, and how hurt and disappointed he was with me because he questioned whether I not I had the same regard and reverence toward our friendship as he had.

He gave me an ultimatum.

He basically told me that unless I got the idea out of my head that we ever had the chance of "hooking up," that he and I could no longer be friends.

He told me that he loved me, and that I was the best friend that he ever had, and that it really hurt him to think that all that I really wanted was to just have sex with him. He told me that he felt that was something that was getting in the way, and if he had to make a choice that he would choose loosing me as a friend, and that now it was my turn to make a choice.

And with that he walked away.

It was at that moment that I had to stop and think which was more valuable to me; hooking up with a really hot guy, a guy that I loved on so many levels, or choosing to respect him and our friendship.

Those were my choices.

And I gave him some space, because I wanted him to know that I was seriously considering our friendship, and everything that he shared with me.

I was forced to take inventory, and my Dad reminded me that if we go our entire lives and only make one true friend, then we should consider ourselves blessed.

Only a real friend, and someone who loved me would have thought enough about me and our friendship to put it on the line like my best friend did.

The next chance that I got, which wasn't long because it turned out he was anxious for a reply, I told him that I choose friendship over a chance of hooking up with him.

I'll admit that it took some effort on my part, but over the years as he got more comfortable and realized that I wasn't trying to get into his pants, things not only got back to "normal" between us, things got better!

He eventually married, had kids, and I became his kids favorite "uncle."

When he divorced his wife, he moved in with me and because we have always been close his ex-wife accused us of being "secret lovers."

For the first year or so my gay friends who really didn't know me that well, thought that he was by "boyfriend" because once again we were back to doing everything together again. He became immersed within my "Gay Circle of Friends," and when they found out that he wasn't my "boyfriend" they thought that they might have a chance with him.

He quickly became better equipped with "letting the guys down" easy.

I personally got a kick out of it, and I think that he kinda enjoyed the attention.

My friends came to love my best friend as much as I love him, and he loves them too.

And just this past October, I stood as his "Best Man" when he remarried a really awesome Babe!

His wife refers to me as her husband's BFF.

This is what my best friend and I have learned over all of these years; open and honest communication is key in everything. Lovers come and go, jobs come and go, cars come and go, homes come and go, people come and go, but true friends, and true friendship is extremely rare.

The only true constant is change, and so long as you have a friend who's there with you, to change with you, to grow with you, to be with you, hang onto them.

Anything worth having, especially a good and longtime friend is worth keeping, and from time to time does require some effort.

My best friend taught me that being "comfortable with your own sexuality" means never having to apologize for it.

My best-friend doesn't have a "gay bone" in his body, any more than I have a straight bone. He's proven himself comfortable with that. Comfortable enough to be around a bunch of gay guys without having to apologize for it.

Likewise he gave me the courage to be around a bunch of straight guys and girls, and be gay and not to feel the need to apologize for that either.

Was it easy for either us? No way!

Rob, you started out this thread worried that you had lost your best friend because you had started dating a girl.

You've since learned that, despite what he told you previously, he had a thing for you.

Your most recent update confirmed that he did/does.

Now it's up to you to share with him how you feel about your friendship with him, and how his physical/emotional attraction to you is getting in the way of those feelings.

Then let him decide.

I'm willing to wager that I'm not alone in hoping that he chooses the friendship that you have to offer him.

I'm hoping that the complete disconnect that he's been feeling from you, by your not responding to his attempts in contacting you have given him enough time to reflect on what he values the most within you, and about you as his friend.

In my opinion it's good that you haven't shared this with your mutual friends, because this really doesn't involve them.

Just tell them that you've been busy working, and that "it's good to take a break every now and again."

Because it is.

I'm pretty sure that there's enough hurt going on between both of you right now, and the only two people that can fix this are you and your best friend.


Sorry this was kind of long, but I really wanted to share this with you.

Good Luck with that, and please do come back and share with us any resolution that you come to.

 

[epod85]

Well ok if you feel that strongly about saving the friendship perhaps what you need to do is give him some time to stew, as it may be. Keep some distance from him for the next while until you feel relatively comfortable. Then perhaps sit him down and have a indepth conversation with him. Let him know that what was done was very clearly wrong and that no apologys will change that, nor will fix the situation. Make sure he is aware that there was a breach of trust and that the only thing that could come close to fixing it is time. The most important thing, however, would be to make sure that he understands and repeat of that behaviour will mean an end to your friendship, if he understands how seriously you take this situation maybe he'll think twice next time.

 

[mano]

Centexfarmer got me to thinking about what I would do if my friend came back.....and not that this is the first time that I have thought about this. One of the things that was different between me and my friend is our definition of friendship. He thinks it is the guy or girl that you hang out with the most and have the most fun with. I think it is they guy or girl that I can turn to when the darkness in the valley has gotten so bad that I cannot see anymore. While I would like to have my friend back, I also have had to admit to myself that the sexual tension between us would be too much for me to handle. I cannot pretend that it is not there. I must tell myself the truth and not lie to that guy that I see in the mirror. All the sexual innuendos and sexually charged jokes is what lead to our breakdown to begin with and I don't have much doubt that it would happen again. While I still don't excuse your friends actions while you were asleep, you must understand that there is a fire there that cannot be put out with a cold shower. You might just have to keep a distant friendship going as best you can until his attraction to you dies out and that might take years not days. In the meantime, every friend who genuinely admits his mistakes and asks for forgiveness deserves just that in my book. I just don't have the ability in my soul to love one minute and hate the next. I must extend the same love and forgiveness to him that I would be asking for if I did something stupid.

Finally.........this one thing does not define who your friend is Rob. He made a mistake. That mistake does not define his entire being.

 

[genthree]

I haven't read all these posts but life experience helps me here. He has just lost his best friend and a good friend (female).
Now in the past, he has probably not hit on you because he values you more as a friend. ( I have a straight friend that I REALLY like and REALLY value and I would not risk our friendship for sex , it would immediatly devalue our frisndship - the underlying thought in his mind being that everything has just been part of a ploy to get into his pants. He knows I am gay.)
So, from here you meet up with him , tell him you have some understanding of how he feels towards you and there is always a free hug and a friendly ear when he needs it.
You are right ,you are not wired to play with dicks, so don't. Talk to your girlfriend and both of you must try to be inclusive of him.
This may all be news to you but if you observe the friendships between males you will observe that this situation exists more often than you think, in some cases probably subconciosly.
So, be nice to him , talk it through but it can never go back, this is one of the shit things in life and can happen in the hetero world as well, good luck !

 

[genthree]

oh shit , now I have just read your Nov 29 post. predictable and you have to take some responsibility for this.
Stand back and look at this from a distance , you were drunk and he was drunk and you got into bed together.................what the fuck. These are the situations when gay and straight people trick with people they would normally not even puke over let alone be with the guy you would die for, speak to him immediately and tell him you were both fuck wits ; draw a line in the sand and move on.

 

[TX-Beau]

So - what? He was asking for it?

Really? Did you really just say that?

I bet he was also dressed like a slut all night, so, yeah, what could he expect...

Come on, you are excusing a sexual assault by trying to shift the blame to the victim.

That's really wrong.

 

[Delphi124]

TX-Beau is right. Blaming Robster for being assaulted is totally out of line.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thank you, Centex, for bringing clarity to this situation. Robster's friend is a good person who made a bad mistake. Making that the deciding factor of an entire friendship is disingenuous to the true feelings involved.

This friendship can and should be given the chance to be saved.

 

[____]

I wholeheartedly agree with Centex. The distance that you've given him should allow him to reflect on what your friendship really means to him . Now you just have to lay it out to him and let him make a choice between friendship or the possibility of having sex with you.

Good luck with your friendship! And update us anytime; we're always happy to help.

By the way, which one is you in your picture? You guys almost look like brothers hehe.