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How do I get over this?

W

wildcat

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When I was 17 I decided to start hooking up with strangers from those gay internet dating/hookup sites. I thought that I wanted to have a girlfriend and eventually marry a girl and with guys I only wanted sex.

By now I've probably hooked up with about 20 guys. I regret ever hooking up at all and feel ashamed, worthless, disgusted etc...kind of like how I imagine someone would feel if they got raped, even though I was never raped. I know this might offend some people but the biggest reason I feel this way is because most of the people I hooked up with were fat and ugly and/or acted really feminine (which is a turn-off for me). They usually didn't look like their pics or how they described themselves, and I wasn't at all attracted to them...but I went ahead and had sex with them anyway. To this day I really don't know why I didn't just leave, and I hate myself for not leaving.

Of the few guys who I actually was attracted to when I met them, I felt empty afterwards. But at least I didn't feel all the other things like shame.

One of the things that makes me the most depressed is that my first time was probably my worst time. It's a nightmare that still haunts me to this day. When I was 17 I had a really low self-esteem and I was extremely desperate, so I decided to meet a 36-year-old man without even seeing a pic. He drove from another state to meet me, and when I saw him he was very ugly and fat (sorry if this offends anyone), but I got in his car anyway (probably my biggest regret in my life). He was even the first person I kissed...your first kiss is supposed to be special, not something that scars you for life. Afterwards I felt ashamed and worthless. I hated him for doing that to me and I hated myself for getting in his car. I felt like I'd been raped by some old ugly fat guy, even though it was my fault for not walking away. I got my innocence taken away by one of the grossest people I've ever seen.

I kept hooking up (I don't know why) and making the same mistake over and over again, never learning from my mistakes. I wish I could have amnesia so that I wouldn't know any of this happened. How do I get over this? Please help!!!
 
You can't erase something in your life without having something else to fill the void. The best thing available to help you get over bad sexual experiences? Good ones.

Open yourself up to the possibility of a relationship. Meet some people (guys if you still think that's what you'd like). Make some friends. See if a relationship develops. Sex in a relationship only marginally similar to sex outside it. :)

Lex
 
For one, you don't need to be dwelling on it day in and day out. That it happened and all is without doubt but you don't have to be beating yourself over the head with it. It is done, it is over, it is in the past and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. The best thing is to have a bit of regret but it is time to move on. Picture that whole segment of your life as a picture and crumble it up in your hand and let it go into the trash bin of history.

Now that you have lived and learned, it is time to forgive and allow yourself to live and love again. Too often people become caught up in what has gone on in the past and never allow themselves the chance or opportunity to express themselves thereafter. Really, you need to let it go, not forgetting but forgiving and get on with the rest of your life, determined not to repeat the past.
 
I know what you mean. For a long time i thought it would make me feel more loved. but it didn't it made me feel more lonely afterwards and sometimes like i don't know...dirty or something. i finally decided i was making myself feel bad and that i was worth more than that. so are you. we owe it to ourselves to be happy. other people can't make us happy. it has to be from inside. i looked at my life and tried to find at least one thing that was nice or good. then i focused on that and tried to make that one thing more. i don't know if it will help you...but that's what i did.

i saw your other thread just tonight and i posted in it also.
 
Well at least you can get by knowing you made lots of "Fat and ugly" people very happy. LOL
 
You are only 19 and that is a highly emotional age. My first time getting head, from someone other than my cousin, was an old,gross,odd looking man I met through an ad. My second time was with a guy I picked up at a bar when I was drunk. He was my 1st kiss and he took me to the scariest garage to have sex. Dogs were barking and he said they would kill me if I opened the door. He than refused to take me to my dorm. I finally talked him into it after I spent the night sitting in the corner. I felt like you did and I was also 19. But than I got a bf who was in a fraternity and after him started hooking up with some hot guys on campus. I had several more boyfriends and than back slutting around. I really got around. But I also had some really hot men. Maybe 5% weren't up to my standards but I liked to throw the older or heavier guys a bone every once in a while.I'm older and wiser now and only been with my bf for almost 5 years. I barely recall those awful first times. Back than they really bothered me. You will get over it. Trust me.
 
You have to do your best to move on. If that doesn't work, then you could probably benefit from some counseling. Many of us have had some hookups that we are not proud of. What you need to do is learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them. Good luck!
 
Hey guys, pretend I've been raped by really unattractive people. What would you say to someone in that situation? I know I wasn't raped by that's what I feel like.
 
wildcat said:
Hey guys, pretend I've been raped by really unattractive people. What would you say to someone in that situation? I know I wasn't raped by that's what I feel like.
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You weren't raped, and if that's what you feel like then it's because you're trying to make other people responsible for your choices.



How do I get over this? Please help!!!
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Work on building your character and your self esteem by making choices that are healthy and respectful rather than easy and cheap.


And by the way, your ugly descriptions of the men you've hooked up with say a lot more about you than it does about them.
 
The first thing to figure out is why you want to be a manwhore to the point of putting sex before anything else. That is your problem and you're going to have to deal with it.

Your subsequent distaste for the selections you made is regrettable but looks good on you.

I'm sure all the fat, ugly guys you were 'raped' by look upon you as the Mother Theresa of the fat and ugly.
 
There are many things in life that I'm sure if and when we sit back and think about them, we will regret them. However, what's history cannot be erased. We need to move on no matter how bad or stupid or past decisions were. At your age, I'm sure it would have been a very emotional time, just like someone else said it here. I've had my fair share of hooking up random strangers too and a fair share of that I must say had taken me on long guilt trips. Just be yourself, stay safe and in time, you will know what is right for you.
 
wildcat said:
Hey guys, pretend I've been raped by really unattractive people. What would you say to someone in that situation? I know I wasn't raped by that's what I feel like.
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If you feel like that, you should probably seek some professional help. There are obviously some very serious issues you need help dealing with. JUB is not going to be able to resolve these issues for you.
 
wildcat said:
Hey guys, pretend I've been raped by really unattractive people. What would you say to someone in that situation? I know I wasn't raped by that's what I feel like.
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The whole rape comment shows you don't know what it's like to really be raped. You need to seek medical attention if that's how you feel cause saying you feel like you were raped by unattractive people even though you were willing is kinda dumb. You had me in your corner up until this comment.
 
Find a gay-friendly therapist or a support group. There are many gay switchboards, help lines and community centers that can give you referrals. You might do a search on the Internet. You can probably find a gay community paper at a gay bar that can give you some leads. I know most of them are full of sex ads but they usually have professional services listings also. If there is a college or university nearby with a gay student group, you might get some referrals from them. Your doctor might be able to refer you to someone.

You’re clearly dealing with some serious issues that need attention.

There are reasons why we have statutory rape laws on the books. The impulse control portion of our brains is not fully developed until we are in our early 20s. There are serious power dynamics at work when an adult engages in sex with a teenager. Although laws establish specific age cutoffs, each individual is different. What may be a roll-in-the hay for one 17-year-old can be rape for another. We should not make light of other people's pain.
 
If I could go back in time, I would probably choose different people (man and woman) to take my virginities than the ones that actually did. They were not traumatic experiences for me, but I think the guy and girl with whom I had my first experiences were not "special" enough to have that from me, if you know what I mean. I lost my virginities to them almost as a desire to rid myself of the "virgin" label rather than deciding that they were privileged enough to share me like that. But of course there is absolutely nothing I can do about that now - it's a done deal, and I don't allow those experiences to shape my present ones.

Most of us have gone through a "whore" phase while discovering ourselves and instead of looking at it as something degrading that was done you should view it as a coming of age and part of a process toward maturity. I know that sounds corny in some way, but it's all in perspective. Talking about it like you have is actually the beginning of this realization for you.

I think it would help you tremendously to talk with a professional that will help you start letting go of the past - I think dwelling on it so much is preventing you from finding more fulfilling experiences. You're 19 and have a lot ahead of you. As you get older these experiences you mentioned will fade with time.
 
I have a similar experience (hooking up/losing stuff to lots of random guys) b ut at least they were all young and hot so im not upset about it :D

on a more serious note, you've made some mistakes and you've learned, so now you can know not to repeat them.
 
My best tip. Talk to either a psychologist or ask a friend or someone you trust on this site or another to help you go through it. It may take time to heal, but it will most likely heal one day, if you dont give up.
 
Your'e still very young. And maybe you're a slow learner. But I really honour you for posting here because that tells me that you are beginning to reflect on past experience and to understand that they way we behave in the present has a direct relationship on the way we feel about ourselves and our actions in the future. That is the key to beginning to steer your life in the direction you want to go.

You need to be constantly asking yourself: 'If I do this, based on past experience, what will the likely outcome be?' Stop regretting your past mistakes and begin to look at them as a valuable learning tool.

Innocence is not virginity - it's more an attitude or quality of newness. You can be innocent again with a new partner because you've never been with that person before in that place or time.

It's called 'hooking up' because you skewer yourself like live bait on a fish-hook. You're worth more than that.
 
spreadeagle said:
Innocence is not virginity - it's more an attitude or quality of newness. You can be innocent again with a new partner because you've never been with that person before in that place or time.
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Thats a great paragraph.
 
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