How do I get up the courage to confront bf?

[Harker]

Hi,

I'm new here. But I wanted to post and ask a question about what is going on in my life/relationship. For the last 5 years, my partner and I have been in a very committed, loving relationship. This last year has been very rough, with unrelated financial issues and other things hanging a dark cloud over our life-- issues that I had to forgive him for and move on from.

So things have been rocky to start with. And one night not too long ago I pick up his computer to use it (mine hadn't been working). He had literally left it open next to me on the couch, and when I minimize his iTunes to go to the internet, his email is right there and it's a naked picture of him and the email's content is him trying to arrange a tryst with some guy, from Craigslist, while I'm at work during the week (he's currently unemployed.)

And so started my snooping on him every chance I could get. I know it's not right, but I was furious and could not stop myself. He's on Manhunt, and AdamforAdam, and Craigslist literally every day while I am at work trying to hook up. I know the snooping wasn't healthy, but my fear of what is coming in our relationship, my disappointment and hurt, was too much for me to overcome. I tried to act as if everything is okay, but every chance I had to snoop to confirm my greatest fears.

Everything changed when my snooping proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he had cheated on me, and wasn't just trying to. In all honesty, when things began to get rocky for us, a friend of mine made a play for me (which I entertained longer than I should have but turned down.) This friend is still very much trying to have a friendship with me (that could lead to something more) but I've always turned him down because I'm in this relationship. But the thoughts and feelings were there for me to cheat, partially because I've been so unhappy. So I'm not as hurt by the fact that he cheated on me; I'm hurt that our lives have come to this and we can't even talk about it.

Which leads me to my question. How can I confront him about this? Is it as simple as getting up the courage to just come all out with it? I do love him and care about him, so I want to be able to talk through this, see where we end up once it's all out in the open. But it's so hard getting up the courage to do so... and finding the right time.

So, I was wondering if anyone had any advice for how to start this discussion? I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks.

 

[G-Lexington]

What's to talk through, exactly? What exactly do you want to happen? Spell it out for me, because honestly, I don't know. You tell him that you know he's been routinely attempting to cheat on you, and has successfully done so on occasion. At which point...what? You want his "side of the story"? You want him to act contrite and sad? Suddenly have a realization on how wrong it was? Ain't gonna happen. (He might fake it, but that's what it'll be - faking it.) He KNOWS what he's doing is wrong. If he didn't, he'd just tell you. "I'm tired of being in a monogamous relationship. I'm going to have sex with other people. Just thought you should know." The fact that he didn't says he knows it's wrong. And if he regrets anything after you tell him, it won't be that he cheated on you - he'll regret not covering his tracks better.

I'd say you've got two options.

1. tell him you're aware of his extra-curricular activities, and you'd like to be kept aware of them from here on out.

2. tell him goodbye.

There is no third option, in my book. You might play the game of him crying and begging forgiveness, and you giving him one more chance. And you'll probably always be wondering each time he's off alone whether or not he's banging another guy, and wondering if you should look at his computer again, just to be sure. And he'll be wondering if it's safe to start sending out e-mails again.

Don't go that route.

Lex

 

[QuinnRider]

G-lexington is right. Confront him and what? He apologoize and everythings okay? It's not like he went and met up with someone once and that was it, or like he was drunk or high [which is a shitty excuse in my book anyway, which I don't accept] He cheated on you at least once and has attempted to on numerous occasions now. What are you wanting from him now? An apology? A reason? In my opinion, there is no excuse. But that's just me. I don't mean to sound like an asshole, I completely sympathize with you, but he is the wrong doer, you should have all the confidence in the world to tell him where to stick his laptop, lol! [I'm an angry cock lol]

 

[maxpowr9]

Once the trust has been broken, it is very difficult to repair it. TBH, there isn't much of a point in trying to get an apology out of him; he willingly knew what he was doing and did it multiple times. I'd say cut your losses and bail. Yah it's tough after a long time being together but why bother being around someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you?

 

[Lube]

Yeah, Lex nailed, and others gave good advice, too.

It's over. Move on. You both seem really unhappy and unwilling to address the issue of breaking up.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, to muddy the waters, there could be a third option (sorry). You've both been through a rough patch in the relationship. Prolonged unemployment is very tough for many guys- it hits them in the pocketbook but it also gets to the very core of their self-esteem and identity.

You have to decide for yourself whether this is something that your boyfriend has gotten into because of the unemployment or whether the unemployment has just provided an excuse (and available time) to do something that he wanted to do all along.

So I'm not as hurt by the fact that he cheated on me; I'm hurt that our lives have come to this and we can't even talk about it.

As much as anything, this is probably the most telling of where things are and what the prospects are for getting things back on track.

 

[HornyHenry]

First off get tested, then go from there, but realize that it wasnt his first nor will it be his last piece (or stud) on the side.
It's one thing to flirt & cruise and carry on correspondence but it's another thing to actually have sex with someone.

 

[Harker]

Honestly, there is a fourth option. When I first got into my relationship (almost 12 years ago) we had a huge fight over whether or not we would even be monogamous. It really hurt me to feel like I wasn't enough, but I also wasn't seeing things from his side.

Admittedly, he hadn't cheated, then asked, but it felt like he might as well have, since to ask he had the thoughts and feelings. While it might not be easy, if you think you could handle, in time, forgiving him, you might consider having an open relationship, and commencing the discussion from that angle. As you said, you're more hurt that you can't talk about it.

Certainly, make him understand you're upset, and that he should have talked to you before he acted on it, but if you really love him, and you think you can make it work, it's worth trying to do that. At least, that's my $0.02.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

This is what speaks most to me. I found it striking that with all the mentions of wanting an apology, that never even crossed my mind. I just want to talk it through. I want to know why he did/does it, and if there is an us afterwards. After all our years together, and everything we've been through, sex would be such a minor thing for us to end over (even though I know sex is important, etc.)

What you mentioned is what I'm scared of the most- having to have that conversation about opening up the relationship. I mean, I truly wouldn't care about the cheating-- if he was only open and honest with me about it. And I think where we are in our relationship, I would be open to us both participating in this open relationship.

And I think I've just got to suck it up and sit down to talk with him.

 

[Echoes]

you have it pretty figured out so far. Just don't do things you don't really want to. For example: you don't want to carry on with the relationship but for the good moments and to see if it can work out you'd be willing take the chance. That's just wrong, be honest with yourself and that's the safest route.

good luck mate, wish you the best.

 

[wooffy]

Which leads me to my question. How can I confront him about this? Is it as simple as getting up the courage to just come all out with it? I do love him and care about him, so I want to be able to talk through this, see where we end up once it's all out in the open. But it's so hard getting up the courage to do so... and finding the right time.

How about your start by apologizing for reading his email and checking up on him? I'm serious - what you did was wrong (even if it started inadvertently), and your willingness to acknowledge that sets a very different tone for the conversation.

I'm not clear from your post if you had even discussed monogamy, or just assumed that was the rule for you, etc. That makes a bit of a difference. Express to him your concern and tell him exactly what you said here - including that you love him and care for him. Chances are he'll be relieved to be able to talk.

It is important to find out why he cheated on you. While the answers may hurt, be sure to listen. Resist the temptation to jump into any quick fixes - whether that be a promise from him to be monogamous, an agreement to open the relationship, or whatever.

You seem to be taking this very well, and have decided what your priorities are. Sorting this out won't be easy, but if you manage to communicate and sort your way through this, you may end up with a better and stronger relationship.

A final thought from someone close to his 19th anniversary - relationships are not fair. This may be a time when you have to do most of the work, give most of the understanding, and do most of the forgiving. That situation may be reversed some day. Best not dwell on the "fairness" of the situation, and instead work on what needs to be done.

Good luck, hope all goes well.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I mean, I truly wouldn't care about the cheating-- if he was only open and honest with me about it.

But that's not "cheating". The problem isn't that he stuck his dick in somebody else (or vice versa). It's the duplicity. It's a bit like saying "I wouldn't mind him stealing money from my piggy bank, so long as he told me he was going to take the money out beforehand." At that point, he's not stealing it He's taking it with your blessing.

If you don't have a problem with him having sex with others, then you just let him know you now are aware of it, and let him know what you'd like from him. If you want to meet these guys, if you want to know about the encounters before or after (or not at all), all that. Then you can get back to your relationship.

Lex

 

[bankside]

I really don't know what kind of advice to give because I don't understand how you are still together. I don't understand how you could find the clearest evidence of him having an affair and not kick him out on the spot. And advice I might have had doesn't apply because that ship has already sailed. It's a hard situation, but it is now also one of your own making. I also don't understand why you would anything but repulsed by an affair of your own considering you don't seem to find it very attractive in your partner.

Best wishes.

 

[altlover85]

I really don't know what kind of advice to give because I don't understand how you are still together. I don't understand how you could find the clearest evidence of him having an affair and not kick him out on the spot. And advice I might have had doesn't apply because that ship has already sailed. It's a hard situation, but it is now also one of your own making. I also don't understand why you would anything but repulsed by an affair of your own considering you don't seem to find it very attractive in your partner.

Best wishes.

I think considering the relationship has been going downhill, the OP probably started thinking about how things would be if he were single. I'm not sure.

 

[Chardius]

I don't know how much this perspective helps at all but I was just recently asked for council on a couple I know who I'm fairly good friends with. While one was away on a study abroad trip they cheated on the other. While THAT ONE was away the one at home cheated too. Within a week of return it all came out in the open. They are still together and obstinately monogamous. We'll see how that particular situation pans out (first few months are promising). People come back from harsh shit, and I was there going "Man you guys cheated on each other AT THE SAME TIME. Thats fucked up."

So good luck, I hope things work out. Whatever that means for you.

 

[MrBubulino]

2. tell him goodbye.

Just that. "hey, I found out you're cheating on me. I love you, but you don't deserve it. Cheating is not acceptable. Bye".

 

[simpsonsguy01]

You gotta find the courage in yourself to let him go, once he cheated he broke the bond you guys had and you can try to stay together but it won't end up working out cause the bond is no longer strong. It's a hard thing to accept especially if you've been together for some time but you're not ever going to be able to trust him and you can't have a relationship without trust.