How do I go about?

[Ticklefro3]

The Classic Scenario (that I'm in):

There's a guy in my class who I've been observing (I guess you could say). Cute guy; seems very nice and all. I wasn't too sure whether he was gay or not. Though today, I finally learned that he is gay; and I found out he lives in my building

Now here is my situation: not too many of my friends know that I'm gay. Really just my floormates and a couple of other random people know. And I am still awkward about coming out, like I have never said "I" and "gay" in the same sentence. I pretty much have my friends tell other people for me :/ This leads into somewhat of a greater problem: I've never approached another guy before in the hopes of trying to start something.

So, how do I go about trying to start something with him?

I very much appreciate all of your help!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ticklefro3,

Well, this guy is in the same class, so it seems to me that there are several ways and opportunities to talk with him, and see how he is reacting on you.

Do you have any idea if he is single?

What are the things you have in common with this guy? Any idea what kind of things he likes to do in his spare time?

Any idea if he is open, and if your classmates are aware that he is gay?

Is there some sort of queer club at your uni / college, and any idea if he is visiting this queer club?

Great to hear that already several people around you are aware that you are gay. And how about your classmates?

Are there girls in your class who might have clues that you are not a 'straight guy who is still looking around for a girlfriend'?

Well, be friendly to him. How do your classmates treat this nice guy (assumed that they know he is gay)?

Any idea what would happen when all of your class mates are aware that Ticklefro3 = gay as well? So then there are 2 gays in the class?

Are you on facebook, and do you have any idea if he is also on facebook? What's indicated about your status on facebook?

Take care and best wishes.

Feel free to ask for more details.

 

[Ticklefro3]

Just to prevent confusions, let's call this guy Will

Anyhow, I'm assuming Will has a boyfriend because I was hanging out with a friend that was Will's suitemate. We bumped into Will and a guy he was with. I asked my friend who the other guy was, and he said, that's probably Will's boyfriend.

I have no info Will (I'll ask my friend about him though). So, I can't answer some of your questions. I'm solely basing my judgements on him based on the couple of times he's talked in class as well as body language and all that jazz.

I've also never talked to him, other than saying Hi when bumping into him while in the building (all 2 times).

No one in my class knows about my status, and my facebook does not give any info on my status regarding as to which sex I'm into/looking for.

My biggest problem is that I'm confronter-phope. I pretty much cringe on the idea of confronting people on many things, especially on (what I feel is very personal) sexuality, relationships, and such.

Thank you for the help! I really appreciate it!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ticklefro3,

Thanks for your friendly reply.

So you have found out that 'Will' has a boyfriend, meaning that you are unable to 'start something with him'.

So your friend is aware that you are gay? I assume that this is the case. So do you think that your friend also tells other friends / aquiantances that you (= Ticklefro3) is gay? I tend to think that your friend will 'spread this news', meaning that more and more people will be aware that you are gay. And also meaning that you don't need to tell all this people that you are gay, as they have already heard the news.

Giving some -subtle- hints / indications in your profile on Facebook is another easy way to let people know that you are not 'single, straight, and looking around for a girlfriend'. Again, no need to tell people face-to-face ("I'm confronter-phope"), but all goes on a more natural way.

This does not mean that I tell you that you should change your status in your profile on Facebook from 'blank' (assuming that this is the case) into 'interested in males'. Ofcourse you can do this, as that's a very easy way to let people know that you are not into girls when it comes to a situation boyfriend/girlfriend.

But there are alot of other options. Why not try to make some gay friends (do you have already some of them?) and add them as your Facebook friends?

Is there any sort of gay club at your college / uni?

Finally, getting / having a boyfriend is one of the most easiest ways to let people know that you are gay (as long as you don't hide that you have a boyfriend).

Best wishes and feel free to react.

 

[Ticklefro3]

Hey Ganoderma,

Thank you for the help, again!

Just to clariify a few points:
My friend who told me about Will doesn't know that I'm gay. Though, I do plan on telling him.

I don't have any gay friends. I know of some people that are out, but not vice-versa. And yes, there are LGBT clubs at my university; but the thoughts of going there constantly escapes me ><

I think I'm going to talk with the "middleman" of this situation (Will's suitemate) and see what plan I can conjure up with him.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK where to start.

First off relationships and sexuality are not deeply personal. Witness you and your "friend," having random speculation about a guy neither of you know very well.

If this is so deeply personal, why are the two of you not horribly guilty at this invasion of his privacy? People only say this is deeply personal when they have deeply personal reasons for hiding it.

Out guys don't care if you know they're gay, so if this guy is out, there is no reason not to approach him directly, to try and be his friend, to get to know him and see if you click.

But that requires you to be equally honest with who you are - and frankly, there is no way to solve your problem if you're not willing to do that. Well adjusted out gay men avoid the closeted and the straight crush for obvious reasons.

He's going to have to know, and being out, a bunch of other random people are then going to speculate about you randomly - as people always do, just like your "friend" did, when and if you start hanging out with letscallthisguyWill. Catch 22. Are you ready for that?

So lets talk about you for a sec. What would you actually do if you knew for certain that he didn't have a boyfriend, and was not opposed to going out with you? Would you ask him out? Would you go out with him if he asked? Would you try to avoid public notice? How would that change things for YOU?

What is your comfort level with other people pointing at the two of you and someone random saying that you must be his boyfriend?

That's the crux of your problem. All the information you have about this guy is second hand, you don't really "know," anything. It may be true, it may not, but you'll never know for sure until you go find out for yourself.

Can you do that? Do you want to? Is this just you playing with the idea in your head?

So here's the game plan for you - either admit that you're too afraid of exposing yourself, and keep this in the realm of fantasy, or go be his friend, talk about class, talk about your dorm life, talk about mutual friends. In the process find out if he's actually gay, find out if he's in a relationship, find out if you like him as much as you think you do.

As they say - contact with the enemy is a liberal education - you may find out you don't like him as much as you think you do when you get to know him. Far stranger things have happened.

What's certain is that you'll never know anything unless you grab your nuts and commit. If you won't do that...

How committed are you to going after what you want? How afraid are you that other people will know you're gay?

Playing high school games with intermediaries and speculation is best left in high school. You're beyond that now. Plus it may mean that you're just toying with the idea and will never move.

 

[Ticklefro3]

I see what you're saying, TX. Just what I needed to hear.

Much appreciated

 

[Seasoned]

Depending on one's personality, a person will jump into the pool or sit on the edge and get their get wet first. Neither is wrong or right. You're at a place where you are attempting to move forward. Dissatisfaction with outcomes gets a person to change.

For now, just be yourself and if you stumble and fumble you will learn what works and what doesn't. I went from being painfully introverted to being fairly "out there" in most situations. I'm still introverted by nature, but if I try to share that with newer friends I get laughed at.

Always ask yourself when facing a choice involving risk, "what's the worst that can happen?"

 

[KaraBulut]

There's several different things going on here.

If you want to meet this guy and talk with him, then introduce yourself before or after the class you have together. Just walk up or sit next to him and say, "Hi, do you live in _____ building? I thought I saw you there". Tell him your name, get his name and then send him a FB request. From there, just be sure to say "Hi" or chat with him briefly each time you see him.

As for letting him know you're gay, the easiest way when you're a university student is to wear a rainbow bracelet or wear a T-shirt with a slogan or symbol (like the HRC logo) that says to other gay people, "Me, too".

Since it sounds like he has a boyfriend, leave that part alone for now. At the very least, it would be nice to have a gay friend who lives nearby and it's always good to have a friend in the same class as you.

 

[Kabluey]

Well, there's nothing wrong with flirting a bit.
Can be fun, and it's an age-old way to test the waters.

 

[Ticklefro3]

Thank you guys sooooo much! Definitely giving me a confidence boost.