How do I help my friend that is clearly in denial?

[Icecold]

Hey guys, Just to let it be known this post is about an entirely different situation than my other post. It will be kinda long so please bear with me I have a friend of mine that I have grown very close to, and I came out to him a couple months ago. I am now completely out of the closet to everyone, and am very content with where my life is heading. I found out last night that my suspicions concerning this particular guy were spot on, and now I see that he is clearly in denial. When I came out, my parents made me go see a therapist for a few sessions, I knew what I was in for. Instead of letting him change my views, I looked it as a chance to understand the straight male mind and see how I can relate it to my life to make my gaydar more accurate. I asked him before if he had had any kind of fantasies to the same sex, and he answered it by saying that all men and women do, which I find hard to believe. I put it to the test, and asked the guy in question something like this "so my therapist says that all men have at least one fantasy about the same sex at some point in there life. I want to see if he was right, have you ever had one?" He immediately responds with "I am not gay." I believed him, and went with it.

Ever since I came out, my perceptive skills have heightened and I can see through alot of peoples walls and how they really feel - I have been told by many of my friends that I am somewhat gifted in this area, but I found that I am always onto something but never spot on. I got a very strong vibe from this particular friend that there is something that is constantly on his mind. I found out last night that I was right - its just that he explained it as something that he doesnt understand. I can clearly see what it is - he is bisexual, but in denial. I told him that I used to think he was gay because of the way he acted around his guy friends, always alot more huggy and touchy feely with particular friends than others, and he said that it was only because he was drunk/high at the time. We all know the truth to that - being drunk lowers your inhibitions and lets you say and do things you wouldnt normally do. I think being high lets you go deeper into your mind and experience things you wouldnt think about when sober, but that doesnt mean it still isnt a part of you. the way my gaydar works is some men I am just 100% sure about, and others I am 50%, and so on and so forth.

I like to think that the ones I am not sure about are most likely straight, and I just go with that. This friend of mine is one of the 100% ones, he said last night that when he smokes/drinks his mind does things that he doesnt understand and he gets a certain paranoia that he isnt sure about. I strongly feel he is in denial, and he has kind of asked for my help in figuring it out. I am talking to him later tonight, and I wanted to ask what is the best way to help a "straight" man that is in denial, without pushing anything too far? I don't want to be one of those gay men that constantly try to convince someone they are gay, I want to help him figure out this problem he is having though at the same time. Please help! Thank you all so much for all the advice/input you have given me thus far, you have helped me in ways you will never know.

 

[mbamike]

You should read the information that Flex has posted on human sexuality. Flex is a JUB member and medical doctor who has done a good bit of work on human sexuality.

As for as your friend, be supportive of him. He will come out when he is ready.

 

[Icecold]

which forum would I find that post on?

 

[anchihiro]

Well paranoia is a side effect of smoking weed.

I must have missed it because i couldn't see any 'proof' that your friend is bisexual.
But if he is, then maybe you should support him, but don't push.

 

[Seasoned]

I have a 75 year old straight friend who knows his son is gay, because the son came out to his gay brother and the brother told the dad. For some reason this son doesn't want to tell his dad, so my friend loves and supports his son and continues to wait for him to come out.

That's what we do with family and friend--love and support.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Icecold: Congratulations on your coming out. However, it's easy to be on the other side of the "out" fence.

Since I don't know when you actually came out, just put yourself back in your own shoes... too the time when you had the "don't even try to ask if I'm gay, because I'm definitely not" reaction. Maybe this is where your friend is at?

It's very easy to wave a big sign that says "Come to the dark side, we have cookies" once you're there. I'm sure you needed your own time and space to sort out your thoughts and feelings, and your friend deserves that time, and you owe it to him.

At most, be willing to talk to him IF HE ASKS, be supportive IF HE LOOKS FOR IT, and don't judge or meddle in his thought process. Maybe he thinks negatively of gay men? Maybe he grew up in an environment where it was hammered in his mind that gay men are predatorial and are "recruiters to the cult?" That's a very real, yet archaeic mentality but some parents do have that standpoint. By trying to "lure him out" you may only be unintentionally proving that point to him, and if he truly is gay, he's going to believe those traits to be of himself.

One of the best experiences I had with coming out was a gay guy I had worked with.... he left the job probably 6 months prior to my "official" coming out and I ran into him at a gay bar. He came up behind me and said "I'm so glad you're here. I had wanted to invite you out for so long, but I knew it wasn't my place to do that" and we've been great friends since. He respected me, and my needing my time. You are his friend, you owe him that.

 

[SeeDickRun]

The relationship you have with your friend, EVEN IF you think it's not "pure" if he doesn't fess up to some gay feelings, is much more valuable than pushing him into an admission.
As others said, you were in that position some time ago, so you should be able to put him in the same position. Everyone else has their own timetable, and we all should respect each person's schedule.
Be there. Support. Listen. But don't push it!
Good luck

 

[HunterM]

Be supportive of him and listen to what he has to say. Like your attitude for not pushing him It's a very mature thing to do. The best thing you could do is share your own journey (of coming out) with him: your experience of having attraction to the same sex, your doubts, your fears (in your imagination vs. reality), your decisions, your relief, your happiness, etc. Instead of telling what he should be doing, tell him your story for him to relate to. It's up to him to make his own life decisions.

Good luck man!

 

[evanrick]

its sad that society puts so many expectations on men to be straight. until we live in a society that doesnt do that so much, you will have this internal conflict. i think things are changing rapidly for the better as far as acceptance. America is far behind many other countries in this area, its up to us to push the envelope to full equality.

i see you becoming good friends with this guy, but its important to not push him out of his safe zone. that is betrayal, and he may not forgive you for it.

the best way to help him have already been said, lead by example and show him its not as hard to be who he really is.

 

[Charmander]

Leave him alone, he'll come out in time. Or maybe not. Just because he's curious doesn't mean he's gay.

 

[makeurowndstny]

Let him talk to you and be there for him. Thats the best you can do. Don't convince him that he is gay and don't even suggest it. If it happens while he is drunk/high, try being around him when he is that way and be alone to ask him what he is feeling at the time and try to have him explain it. Sometimes a person will figure it out on their own just by talking it out.