How do I live through this?

[G-Lexington]

Lemme answer the first question first. Should you hook back up with your ex? No, I don't think so. Even he seems kinda lukewarm to the idea. Getting back with him would be a vague shadow of what you had (or what you thought you had) before. You're torn up about it because to you, it's still fairly new. He probably was thinking about breaking up with you weeks (if not months) before he finally made that move. He was probably interested in exploring his sexuality more, contemplated doing it for some time, and then finally acted.

Next question. Will you find another guy? I'd say chances are decent. It's not a guarantee, of course, but it's most certainly possible. You say you want a monogamous partner, and "no one else seems to want that". The fact is that many gay men do want just that. But these gay men tend not be found in traditional gay channels. Looking at gay bars or craigslist for a LTR is like going to Denny's for a quality steak. Nothing wrong with swinging by a gay bar or CL if you want a hook-up, and there's nothing wrong with swinging by Denny's for French toast. But you need to be aware that that's what's generally served there.

So where do you go to find a "good guy"? Plenty of places. Look for gay groups in your area. Volunteer organizations, biking clubs, volleyball leagues, art classes. Look into them, sign up for a couple (as your schedule permits), and get social. You almost certainly won't meet the perfect guy Day One - this sort of thing takes longer than finding a hook-up for the night. But get to know people, and get to know the people they know. They might not make great boyfriends, but maybe they'll make good friends, and we could all use more of those. Keep at it. Eventually you'll find somebody you could build a relationship with. Or you might try getting more proactive about it. Look at various dating sites, and make sure they ARE dating sites, not "hook-up" sites. (And make sure that MSM is OK.) Then, create a profile, do some looking, or write a post yourself.

Last question. How do you live through this? The same way the kids with major medical problems and/or psychiatric issues live through it. Dedication, willpower, resolve, and a goal to work towards. So get on it.

Lex

 

[onetwothreefour]

1 You may want to do therapy as some people go to therapy just for life adjustment issues, and it would actually help you in your career to get psychodynamic experience and not just see the pharmacological side of it, and to be on the other side of things. You are probably stressed about beginning a new phase of your life as well as the break up. It's a lot of change, whether the thoughts affect you consciously or not.

2 Are you close to your family? If so confide in them, they can be a great source of support, even if you don't live close.

3 Also ask yourself what would be different in your life if he hadn't broken up with you? How would you feel differently about yourself? What bad feeling do you have now that you wouldn't have had? Then try to give yourself the opposite of that bad feeling, or that the thing you would have without getting it through him. Whatever happiness he took away you can get without him even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Hugs and take good care

 

[glorff]

Don't worry about looking. Follow your heart and your passion and love will find you, often where you would have never considered looking. You have a lot going on right now and you need to focus on that and let the rest take care of itself.

Trust me, there are lots of guys out there looking for a cute doctor with a big heart.

 

[rareboy]

Physician.

Heal thyself.

Why is that most of the people I know in psychiatry and psychology all believe that they can heal others when they can't even self-analyze and deal with their own shit.

1. You and the ex are finito. He burned that bridge. Make sure you pull the rest of it down and move on.

BTW. He sounds like a complete asshole if he waited only 2 weeks before wanting out. Fact is, he wanted out before but was just too chicken shgit to tell you.

2. So you're hurting. I send out a hug. But c'mon. You don't think that you'll ever find love again? You're right, if you don't shake this break-up off and open your heart and mind to the possibility of loving someone else.

So dry your eyes. If you can't function, then you need to talk this through with someone. And it has to be someone who isn't looking for drama. It has to be a good friend. They can be your therapist. You can get some idea of what your future patients will be feeling by having to open up emotionally.

And my god. You'll be a doctor. Every guy is going to want to be your partner. And at least one of them for the right reason.

 

[CGHJ]

OMG your a fucking hawt doctor? When can I move in? In two days you won't even remember you ever had a boyfriend.

Because you need to forget about him.

Look, love stinks. It hurts, and you will cry for awhile and it'll be OK. But believe me, you're a lot better than 'marginally good looking', you look like the coolest person with a big smile and caring eyes, too...you look a lot like a good friend of mine actually. And a doctor? Seriously I'm in love with you already.

 

[StlKj]

You're a good looking young man who is a doctor--you're not going to have trouble finding possible suitors, unless you don't go looking for them. Your ex has moved on, and now you must do the same. People in their 20s often treat each other badly as they navigate the world of relationships. A recent survey found that the years you're in right now are often the most unsatisfying, and that men typically get happier as they get older.

Focus on developing yourself right now. Pursue your medical interests. Seek out strong friendships. Volunteer work can be helpful for getting out of your head and not thinking about the depressive stuff so much. A broken relationship is not the end of the world unless you treat it as such.

Good luck.

 

[Telstra]

Hi all,
First off this is going to probably be pretty long, just to warn you. I'm 26 and just became a doctor (started residency). When I was 22, I met and fell in love with a fellow medical student who was 2 years older. After a year and a half together, we moved in together and lived together for 2 more years. I wanted to do a strange sort of residency with two specialties, Pediatrics and Psychiatry as I feel it is my mission in life to help medically ill children with psychiatric problems. The problem with this is that there is no such program in the city we lived in, Houston. Since he was finishing his residency, this would necessitate a year apart, something we both had agreed to.

Well about two weeks after I moved here in early June, he called to say he wanted out. A week later he called to say he had a new boyfriend. Then we weren't talking for about a month but recently he says he "may want to re-think things and visit but probably not". I am so depressed as to be almost suicidal. I just cry all the time when I'm not working and I cannot sleep or eat. I feel that I will never find something like this again, because I really want to settle down and have a monogamous partner and no one else seems to want that. My ex, who had never even dated anyone before, has already had sex with 2 people in the course of 2 months. We were both virgins when we met, and I don't think I could see having sex with someone I wasn't in love with. I guess that makes me strange. Messing around, sure but sex is just on another level for me; no one else seems to think that way though.

My question is what I should do. I hate to give up on myself and my life while still so young, but I feel that I cannot go on living this way. I am miserable each and every day and it doesn't seem to be getting much better. Should I just try to find someone else? Continue to try to convince my ex to at least visit me? I am just so lost and hopeless.

If my ex turns me away which I'm guessing he will, how much hope is there realistically for me to find something like that again? And will I just be too ruined by baggage from this relationship to make a new one work? After almost 4 years with this guy I feel like I am going through a horrible divorce, while he seems to be doing just fine! It's so baffling and upsetting.

Any advice would be appreciated. I do have a good heart, a great career, and I think I'm marginally good looking:

Thanks for any help, I am drowning in despair out here and crying as I type this.

You should find as many people as possible and choose which one you want.

Just imagine IF he got a car accident and gone to heaven, what would you do?
Find other people and life goes on of course.

 

[Telstra]

Thank you for all the supportive responses, I really appreciate it! =) I didn't expect a response so soon. One person asked if I could lean on family, and that's actually made things more difficult to some extent. I was hurting so badly I finally came out and told my mom that my ex and I were together. She had met him before but didn't "know" that we were actually lovers. At that point she said she had always suspected, but that I'd been "indoctrinated" and that if I couldn't be straight and have kids she couldn't really love me anymore. I still talk to her, but it's not the same as she and I were always really close. I lost my dad when I was 10, so that's not really an option. My brother is as supportive as he can be, but has drug and alcohol issues that cause him to not be available too much. My mom really hurt me when she said those things because I was hoping that she'd be able to just be there for me. But I guess she's not capable of it.

thanks for the compliments at that pic, it's actually my terrible hospital ID picture I hope it doesn't do me justice in person...never had much of a reason to take/scan pictures of myself so it was the only thing I could find that was reasonably small that didn't also have my ex in it

thanks again for all the nice comments, I feel better already. I should probably stop talking to him and just get used to adjusting to this, even though it will be with great difficulty.

No wonder you want to be a virgin before marriage.
Now try out as many men as possible and see what you like ....

 

[Seasoned]

There is an adage about advice. Take what you like and leave the rest. I'm sorry that your relationship wasn't what you thought it was. My advice is to let him go. He obviously isn't husband material. I'm not sure you are right now either. You need to grieve and move on. So many of us are stilted when living in the closet during our teen years. We hit our 20s thinking we are mature, but realisticly we are going though teen-like romance. Let's face it, people need some experience before being able to make mature decisions. Find support where you can. (Sorry, but I think your mother made a huge mistake talking to you the way she did). Maybe you'll want to go over these responses and pm the writers of the replies you liked. You've got a great life ahead of you. Your own experiences will help lots of kids over the course of your career. Think of the LGBT kids that you'll treat over a lifetime. I know you are hurting now, but this is all part of growing up, what I call tuition in the school of life. Make sure you have fun even when you'd rather isolate. In fact that is the time I'd really like you to make an extra effort.

 

[Blueboy369]

Doctor,
People enter our lives and help us learn lessons we may have never learned. He was an important person in your life. Take from it what you can and arm yourself for the next time. Will you always love him? Yes you will, It just didn't work out. Consider yourself lucky to have had him in your life and look forward to the new experiences life has to offer you. There are people out there who don't like a random hook up and would rather be in a relationship. I would check out the local gay scene, have a beer and listen to some music. After going out a couple of times you will make new friends and soon you'll have a whole new story to tell us. Keep us updated. We'll be here.

 

[youngnihilist]

You're a catch don't worry about him

 

[CGHJ]

That's a BAD picture of you?! I'm serious I'm ready to start our new life together, just let me know where to send my stuff LOL

 

[rainman256]

I'll chime in, too: I don't think you're "marginally" good looking, I agree with cghj -- you're f'n hot.

And there's some pretty good advice here. It's probably best if you move on. As good looking and kind-hearted as you are, you'll have PLENTY of men interested in you. Me included

 

[CGHJ]

^^ You stay away, he's mine!

Have you stopped crying yet Psychotropic? Cuz I'm ready to come over and dry your tears. Give me a couple days you won't even remember your asshole ex's name.

 

[cityboi]

Wishing you well.

 

[joeandduc]

my friend, y r so young and have so much to offer. What you need to do now is get yourself together, do what you love, being a good doctor, I promised you that time will heal everything, you will get back on your feet and find love again. You have a full life ahead, so please give it sometime. Remember time is your best friend right now. Wish you lot of luck, keep us inform how u doing alright!!!!

 

[bankside]

One thing I think will serve you well in your career is helping the people you serve to rely on their own capacity whenever possible.

With that in mind, take a deep breath, have a glass of water, and look at this relationship, and what has followed, from a step back.

Some questions to ponder along with your own reflections:
- Does a person have a boyfriend, or a fling, a week after breaking up with someone else?
- Is the absence of a person who hops from relationship to relationship as though he is trying out rides at the amusement park likely a big loss?
- Did you really find what you thought you had found?
- Is finding "someone else" as important as finding "the one?"
- Would "the one" want you to arrive into his life having healed from your bruises, having learned from your mistakes, having the perspective and judgement of your experience, having had the strength of character to wait for him to live the life you want to live together?

 

[RomanticRylan]

You are a smart, successful man and don't need anyone to make you complete. You've obviously accomplished more than most people could even dream of. Take a step back from the thought of your ex boyfriend, and focus on yourself. What makes you happy? It's hard to do things on your own, but in the end you're all you've got. You will find someone to spend your life with.

Since your ex was also a virgin he probably wants to live the typical party life, which is fine. But, there are gay people who long for reliationships and commitment. I guarantee that you will find someone and be extremely happy, and your ex will not. He will be doing what he's doing until he is dried up, and then will want commitment when there is no hope for him.

Keep your head up and remember you are all you need, so love yourself and someone will follow.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>being a new intern on the psych ward is quite demanding, and I feel like I don't really have much time for myself. I suppose I should use what time I do have to more productive ends than listening to Toni's "Another Sad Love Song" on loop and sobbing as my cat looks on.

If you've got time to freak out your cat, you've got time to do something more positive and rewarding for yourself. Go do it.

Lex