How do I live through this?

[videoboi08]

Lemme answer the first question first. Should you hook back up with your ex? No, I don't think so. Even he seems kinda lukewarm to the idea. Getting back with him would be a vague shadow of what you had (or what you thought you had) before. You're torn up about it because to you, it's still fairly new. He probably was thinking about breaking up with you weeks (if not months) before he finally made that move. He was probably interested in exploring his sexuality more, contemplated doing it for some time, and then finally acted.

Next question. Will you find another guy? I'd say chances are decent. It's not a guarantee, of course, but it's most certainly possible. You say you want a monogamous partner, and "no one else seems to want that". The fact is that many gay men do want just that. But these gay men tend not be found in traditional gay channels. Looking at gay bars or craigslist for a LTR is like going to Denny's for a quality steak. Nothing wrong with swinging by a gay bar or CL if you want a hook-up, and there's nothing wrong with swinging by Denny's for French toast. But you need to be aware that that's what's generally served there.

So where do you go to find a "good guy"? Plenty of places. Look for gay groups in your area. Volunteer organizations, biking clubs, volleyball leagues, art classes. Look into them, sign up for a couple (as your schedule permits), and get social. You almost certainly won't meet the perfect guy Day One - this sort of thing takes longer than finding a hook-up for the night. But get to know people, and get to know the people they know. They might not make great boyfriends, but maybe they'll make good friends, and we could all use more of those. Keep at it. Eventually you'll find somebody you could build a relationship with. Or you might try getting more proactive about it. Look at various dating sites, and make sure they ARE dating sites, not "hook-up" sites. (And make sure that MSM is OK.) Then, create a profile, do some looking, or write a post yourself.

Last question. How do you live through this? The same way the kids with major medical problems and/or psychiatric issues live through it. Dedication, willpower, resolve, and a goal to work towards. So get on it.

Lex

I agree

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Psychotropic,

Mate, theres been so much good advice given so I wont pollute it for you... except to say this.

Never ever give up on yourself, your beliefs, your values or your integrity.

The guy who's made these posts, the posts where you reach out and open your heart is a guy whos worth way more than some ex whos selfish and unable to deal with his own issues enough to commit and know love when he sees it.

You on the other hand have the strength and courage not only to admit weakness but more than that, to fall in love. That says more about your character and who you are then you probably realise.

It takes time mate, and that old cliche, one step at a time to repair a broken heart. But from the time you realise that you deserve more, are worth more, each day will become easier and easier.

Right now, the most important thing for you is to realise how incredible a soul you are, how important you are and how your values and morals have shaped a doctor who wants to heal and help others... Now, its time for you to look after yourself, and let yourself see just how special a guy you are.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Find some friends...sounds like all you do is work and think about the ex. Finding some friends to grab dinner with, go to a movie or catch a drink with might actually help introduce you to the man of your dreams - and you may start to see the ex in a whole new light.

You absolutely will find someone and they will exceed your expectations - cuz they are kind of low imo, you need to be the person you want to be with and that person will find you if you just get out so they can!

Go find friends - the partner will follow.

 

[spencer]

I think you should seek counciling. If you look at your posts you use really strong words like you can't live or I'm lost or hopeless and despair. Your psychologist will help you see all that gloom in a better light. Break ups are a part of life. They are unavoidable. Get help (and I'm surprised you haven't already) from a professional.

 

[rareboy]

One question...if he DOES come to visit me I do NOT want to have ex-sex because I would be crushed if it didn't lead to us back together. Should I say no sex, period, or just say that I need a committment to making it work again ? He says he can't committ to anything until he comes up here, but he seems pretty intent on coming up here. I don't want to give up on such a great partnership just yet, but the fact that he's sleeping with someone else makes it hard, even though he's basically said he's just killing time and having fun and he and this guy have no future.

Should I just cut him off? It's sooo hard to do that, but maybe i really need to? Or is it ok to keep talking and maybe he comes up here? I started talking to him again if you couldn't tell.

And you say you want to be a therapist. Argggggggghhhhhhhhh.

I'm starting to think that maybe you may just be still too immature, too self-unaware or just too needy to make a good psychiatrist. Why not just paint 'Welcome' on your back and lay down at the front door so that he can just walk over you on the way in.

Not only did he tromp all over your heart and soul, now he is fucking with your head. He's still fucking some other guy but is [STRIKE]comfortable[/STRIKE] callous enough to say he's just killing time?

Here's the rule with exes. Be pleasant. Be friends if possible. But once an ex, always an ex if you got dumped because he was just fucking around. The trust has to be gone. Forgiveness is one thing. Co-dependent is another.

He shouldn't come up there. You shouldn't see him for at least six months. This sounds like someone you should kick to the curb.

I gotta say, all my bells are ringing about your original post now that you have posted again. This story has all the hallmarks. There's something here that doesn't mesh.

 

[Telstra]

Just wanted to say thanks again for all the great advice and to a few of you who pm'ed me. It's going to be a struggle every single day for a while...sigh. But hopefully it will get better.

One question...if he DOES come to visit me I do NOT want to have ex-sex because I would be crushed if it didn't lead to us back together. Should I say no sex, period, or just say that I need a committment to making it work again ? He says he can't committ to anything until he comes up here, but he seems pretty intent on coming up here. I don't want to give up on such a great partnership just yet, but the fact that he's sleeping with someone else makes it hard, even though he's basically said he's just killing time and having fun and he and this guy have no future.

Should I just cut him off? It's sooo hard to do that, but maybe i really need to? Or is it ok to keep talking and maybe he comes up here? I started talking to him again if you couldn't tell.

Have sex only if you wants to.
No one can "commit" to anything as you both are not partnered yet.

 

[josher]

Sweetie, you are an attractive, intelligent, well-educated professional with an unlimited future. More important you seem to be a kind, caring, loyal and nurturing person.

There are probably at least half a million gay men in your age group in this country who would give their right arm to be in a relationship with you.

And you're thinking about even discussing having a future with someone, who not only dumped you, without cause, but also moved someone into his (your) bed almost the minute you left town?

You may have been in love with him, but he certainly was never in love with you, or he could never have done what he did.

It's time for you to rediscover you self estem and realize you deserve better than this.

Please don't behave like the victims of spousal abuse, who keep looking for reasons to forgive the people that abused them.

Make some new friends. Go out and enjoy yourself, as much as your residency schedule permits. Find other things to focus on. And the minute you start thinking about your "ex" (and he IS now your "ex"), find something useful or distracting or enjoyable to do.

 

[spencer]

I don't want to be a therapist, I want to be a psychiatrist. There's a big difference between doing therapy with someone and managing their meds. I am very good at psychopharmacology and titrating antipsychotics, antidepressants, etc. And personally, I think it's awfully low of somebody to come in and say "you're too immature/stupid/whatever to be a psychiatrist because you're going through a hard time in life." Even therapists and doctors are real people with real lives who have problems sometimes and we react similarly as anyone else would.

Don't you think it's weird that you don't get that you're not following what your own advice would be?

Therapist and doctors are real people with real problems and you're trying to solve your real problems completely on your own.

You need to seek help. When you misuse words like not being able to live without someone, don't you find it (or don't your text books find it) not healthy at all?

I'm not pointing out that you're not allowed to grieve for the loss of a relationship, which is a normal process. It just seemed like your reaction was that of someone who doesn't understand the human physche, let alone a medical professional. Where were the coping strategies or levels of shock, denial, acceptance, anger, etc.

In any event, it sounds like you're doing better.

 

[hotatlboi]

One of my favorite sayings is "learn to love yourself and you will never be alone".

At this point in your life, though it may seem hard, you have to find happiness from within yourself, not from external sources. You have to focus on your hope for the future and the knowledge that your situation will improve, instead of dwelling on what once was.

Circumstances come and go, but you cannot let them define your internal strength. This is a low point, but things will get better.

On a lighter note, you are way hot and if you think another guy will not come into your life, you are deluding yourself, lol

 

[rareboy]

I don't want to be a therapist, I want to be a psychiatrist. There's a big difference between doing therapy with someone and managing their meds. I am very good at psychopharmacology and titrating antipsychotics, antidepressants, etc. And personally, I think it's awfully low of somebody to come in and say "you're too immature/stupid/whatever to be a psychiatrist because you're going through a hard time in life." Even therapists and doctors are real people with real lives who have problems sometimes and we react similarly as anyone else would.

In any case, I haven't spoken with him in a few days and I may not again. It's just very hard to give up on someone that you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. That is something I think most people could relate to or sympathize with.

If you think that psychiatry is just managing meds, you'd better hit the books again. Psychiatry isn't just about over-medicating conditions that may have more than a physiological origin. The only reason I mention this is that no one said you are too stupid/whatever to be a psychiatrist. And that reading by you is also very telling in how you may be dealing with your own personal issues.

Suddenly, you are putting an interpretation in place that wasn't intended. As a medical professional, you should realize the inherent danger in doing this. Over the years, I have worked with hundreds of physicians and dozens of psychiatrists in a professional capacity. I've seen the best and worst the medical profession offers.

I said you may be too immature, too un-self-aware or too needy to make a good psychiatrist. You can change all of that. The first step is to stand back in your own situation and separate emotional response from logic....to parse the situation and be able to analyze it as a gestalt, where the sum of the parts is greater than the whole. Determine whether there are contributing or underlying physical issues as well as baggage you're carrying into this from your childhood or adolescence or behaviours impressed upon you by your own parents.

You are intelligent and educated enough to be able to understand how you should/can be developing healthy emotional and behavioural responses to situations....and how to avoid self-destructive and infantile responses to life situations.

Many of these responses are grounded in anxiety (which may or may not be an environmental/hereditary neurological condition in your case) and issues about self-worth and insecurity. Your posts so far suggest that you may be burdened with some of these underlying conditions and in order for you to be able to address the current situation clearing up the wreckage of your failed relationship, you need to evaluate your choices and responses from a broader perspective than hurt feelings.

Moltenrock offers an interesting and very astute perspective and in many cases, I have to agree that the motivation for a large number of people in mental health care seems to be to try to 'fix' others for the reasons he mentions

I repeat. Physician. Heal thyself.

But I still have to say, that all the alert bells are ringing.