How do I mend this?: My Story

[rareboy]

Hope you are doing well after the surgery.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Hey guys. I should update regarding my health I suppose. You all are so kind and so helpful.

I guess I should begin by saying this: I haven't had surgery yet, but I need it. Here's what happened.

So when they tried to drain my neck, they couldn't get the sac or whatever the cyst is out because it's IN my neck. So they just tried to close it up and hope it'd go away. So I was on pain meds for about a week, I felt horrible, and I'm still taking an antibiotic. So now that the cut wound is healing up, the cyst is growing again and is starting to hurt again. So I have to call a surgeon tomorrow. My mom was supposed to call last week while I was on pills, but she didn't so that's why I didn't have it on Thursday as I was supposed to.

So the soreness from the gash in my neck is feeling better, but the cyst is starting to hurt again.

I guess during all that pain my mind was preoccupied, but that's resulted in depression. So my current state is depressed.

I'm still applying everywhere I can and I'm still looking for work, but this neck thing has to stop. Plus this depression needs to cease (I wrote about it in my other thread).

But yeah. I'm alive. Love you all.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Yeah, I've realized that. I just don't even know what to say. Like call the surgeon and tell him I want my neck operated on? Can i even do that?

And you all will be informed.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I would call the surgeons office and ask to.talk to his pa (phys. Assistant

Say that you need to know how to proceed. And go from there..

Good luck. You will get though this insanely difficult period and look back feel proud of yourself for handling it.

 

[More_guy2004]

Still praying for ya, man!

 

[neditesjamais]

JK:

I have been busy and not reading JUB too much, so I just caught up this whole thread. The fact that you are even getting to a keyboard and letting us all know you're still around speaks volumes about your ability to deal with the crap that's trying to drown you. Your are clearly a survivor.

I have known some others your age who have come through some similar situations and they are some of the BEST people I've ever known. Revenge is becoming a better human being than those who treated you badly.

Now, tell us about the medical follow up. A cyst is not something you should wait on. If necessary, go to ER.

Let us know.

Ned

 

[NCDogGuy]

JK - I'm also concerned about the cyst. Have you called the doctor's office? If not, please do.

As I mentioned before, the surgeon should have a "physician's assistant" who in my experience with surgeons, is a nurse that is almost a doctor. Talk to them. Tell them you are concerned. Get help.

You may not feel like it, but you are coping with an astounding amount of crap. There are a lot of guys here cheering you on and wanting you to succeed.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Ned: Thank you, it means a lot, and to clarify, I don't even get to a keyboard, I use a 3DS I bought a while ago (before my life turned hellish).

Mark: Well I felt like it was okay for a while, but now it's worsening again, so I'm calling the surgeon tomorrow.


Another update guys, It's a week old, but I saw my Dad :/ My brother had his birthday and my grandparents insisted I go, so I went back my house. And by the way...I never realized how white trash my neighborhood/house was. It's only 18 years old, but still. Anyways it was okay, awkward as hell. I felt out of place, back that house, all my stuff thrown out, my room repainted. I felt like I didn't even know the place I hated the feeling. Sickening. Nothing changed though. Still a gross house with nice things in it. All my furniture divided up among my siblings....Anyway. Point is, my Dad was...civil. He shot me dirty looks the whole evening, but I think his mother being there made him stay slightly tame. He still yelled at everyone for stupid shit, was a smartass to all my siblings. He treated/treats us like we're all stupid, like he's smarter than everyone. Ass. I'm was glad when we left though. I felt like I could breathe again once I left that part of town. I hate seeing things that remind me of that place. I feel sick and tight. like someone shot me with a shotgun like in "Death Becomes Her", that huge hole. I got to see my cat I left behind though...he's forgotten me. Almost clawed me to death little whore he is. Well now I just kinda venting, don't mean to treat this like a journal or something, I just have no one to talk to at 3am in suburban Florida.

Eck, as for more update-like news: I am calling the surgeon tomorrow, get this painful now-knot out of my neck. On the brighter side, my sister payed me $100 for writing her college paper. It's a bad thing to do, but I have bills and no job. I feel guilty a bit though...but I needed it. Gotta have a phone number for if someone ever does call me back for a job interview.

Time feels like it's standing still, The weather temperature changes outside time to time, but other than that, I just feel depressed usually. Drifting day to day, nothing to do but chores and push-ups and whatnot. Though I'm actually gaining weight, that's more depressing than anything...I drink water all day, try to workout.

Eh, well I'm surviving. Call me gay, but I listen to Cher and ABBA to get me by. And interestingly, I'm okay with that. I grew up with them, so judge me all you like.

 

[Rolyo85]

I love ABBA ^_^

 

[JohnstonKommer]

I love ABBA ^_^

I've been legitimately obsessed with them since I was 7 or 8. It's always the same with older guys, they just blow me off for it. I always get the: "Ugh, you're just a baby-gay; Oh please; So you're in the 'discovering gay culture' phase" or something along those lines. People are cruel. I used to lip sync "Knowing Me, Knowing You" in my front yard with my CD player blaring to the whole neighborhood. I was what then, 9? Just my life, then I get older and bam, I'm a stereotype. Yay -_-

 

[Ganoderma]

hi JohnstonKommer,

Thanks for providing us with the update. You wrote:

It's always the same with older guys, they just blow me off for it. I always get the: "Ugh, you're just a baby-gay; Oh please; So you're in the 'discovering gay culture' phase" or something along those lines. People are cruel. I used to lip sync "Knowing Me, Knowing You" in my front yard with my CD player blaring to the whole neighborhood. I was what then, 9? Just my life, then I get older and bam, I'm a stereotype

I would not bother at with (older?) guys calling you a 'baby-gay', because you like ABBA. That's bullshit, and I tend to conclude that only very shallow guys will tell this kind of stories.

ABBA is Swedish, and you like Sweden. Just ignore such shallow-minded guys and keep listening to the music you like.

Nowadays, there is a huge variation in the type of music which is available, much more then way back in the 60ties or in the 70ties. Meaning that people have a lot of possibilities to choose. Are people of let say 25yo old-fashioned when they like rock music? Loads of them like music of the Rolling Stones, or the Doors.

Bullshit that 'older guys' are treating you like that. They are ignorant & shallow, and likely have never travelled to other countries as well.

Go to China, or Russia, or Indonesia (just to mention some examples), and you will experience that millions of guys of your age (let say people between 16 and 25) often have a totally different taste of music then such shallow guys have in their mind.

JohnstonKommer, you are definately a survivor!. Congratulated!

I just read some of the other recent postings over here of guys who were born and raised in a more or less same religious background as you. Several of them have way less guts then you have, and I am very afraid that quite a few of them have been brainwashed so much, that their mindset has been irrovecable damaged. Poor guys, and I feel very sorry for them. I am quite sure that several of them are in fact very jealous that you had the guts to make your own decisions, and to handle your own life. For sure its tough right now, but you are definately on your way up.

It is also good you went to the birthday party of your brother, likely together with your grandparents. I tend to concluse that your sister is supporting you, as otherwise she would not offer you to earn some money by writing a paper for her. In contrast, this is a (severe?) setback for your dad, don't you think? I tend to think that it is very likely that such a rumour will go around. I mean, you are the 'good guy' who has been thrown out of his house by 'the bad guy' (= your dad). Just stay relaxed, and be cool and friendly towards any of your family members, and anyone else over there in the neighbourhood of your family. I tend to think that it is not good for the 'reputation' of your dad, that people around him will know that your sister is helping by paying your bills. Any idea about how your brother behaved towards you?

Good luck, and keep on by listening to ABBA music.

I have visited Sweden a few times, but only the most southern part of it. However, I have several friends who have visited Sweden quite often, and who like it very much to spend their holiday in Sweden.

Best wishes & good luck and keep posting at any time you like.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Ganoderma: I know quite well that they are Swedish Actually it's because of them I started to like Sweden so much. I heard 'Bara du slog en Signal' when I was little and I was enraptured by it. I still sing to that version. I love them, and I collect as much as I'm financially capable. I have all the main albums on Vinyl too ^o^

I plan to visit Sweden one day, ultimately I'd like to live there I think, but who knows when that could happen. For now I'll learn the language and listen to ABBA like always.

My brothers seems to have calmed down. My younger brother took all my video games I left behind, and my older brother's too full of himself to worry about me I guess. I still love them, but it's difficult. My sister is just lazy to tell the truth. I think my 'gayness' it's kinda normal now to her. I mean, it's no different from how I normally acted. I get excited over little things easily, and I like to try to be funny in an almost satire way. So I guess it's just normal. I don't know. I guess she realizes that It's not like 'coming out' turned me into a bitchy diva or something. Still just me. I'm just more myself, more of the time, and happier. My other sister is just being herself more often so she doesn't think about my 'antics'. She's my favorite ^_^

I think I saw the same 'religious thread' you spoke of. Yes I am proud to say I'm past that (mostly, hard part's over), and I did survive church, and parents, and ultimately myself. Just have to keep going is all, which takes effort.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi JohnstonKommer,

Thanks for your quick reply. There are alot of threads over here about guys in a more or less situation like you. However, quite a few of them are much older then you, and somehow I often have the idea that it is tough for them to accept that they are gay. And, that being gay and having sex with another male, does not mean that you should end in Hell, or that this is in any aspect a sin.

Over here, in The Netherlands, there are alot of christians who might be described as 'light' christians / 'open' christians. Eg, they (=their church / their denomination) will highly welcome same sex-couples who want a traditional / spiritual celebration of their marriage in the church. It is the same with a funeral ceremony.

You wrote in another thread:

Listen, I still go to a hateful, yet loving church. It's strange. They acknowledge my sexuality, but they don't throw me out or anything. I recieve love here and there from people with that 'real' christian attitude. Sure people scoff at me, shoot me dirty looks, but I'm not there for them. I'm myself all the time.

I agree with you, and I also disagree with you. I agree with you that you are visiting this ceremony for yourself. However, do you also go to this church because you don't want to have too much problems with your grandparents?

I tend to disagree with you that the other people over there really like you. I tend to think that those other people have only one goal, and that is to try you to 'bring back'. I tend to think that they consider you as something like 'a lost sheep', who needs some care. 'Maybe it is not yet too late to convert you back, and let you follow a 'becoming-straight-therapy', then marry a nice girl and raise childeren'. I tend to think that alot of these 'loving' people, think along this kind of lines. I mean, right now you are single, you are just 18, there is no BF around. Could you imagine that you would go to this church with a boyfriend (or with just a gay friend), on a similar way how fellow straight guys of your age / background would also do this with their girlfriend?

So it seems that your brothers get used that you are gay? I can also imagine that is might be somehow tough for them, especially when there is some sort of situation at home as either
'your bother(s) reject 'JohnstonKommer', and choose for me [=your dad], and then its ok' or
'your brothers are ok with JohnstonKommer', and thus choose against your dad, and that's bad'.

Any idea if you might talk with your lil (?) / younger brother about giving him back to you those games? Or maybe you are now too old for these games?

Best wishes.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Keeland,

It seems to me ( http://www.kingofpeacemcc.com/pages/unions.htm ) that they promote same-sex marriages, and that they are welcoming any same-sex couple who wants to celebrate their wedding?

They offer a free AIDS test as well. Very good idea of you to dig up this link.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

hi JohnstonKommer,
I agree with you, and I also disagree with you. I agree with you that you are visiting this ceremony for yourself. However, do you also go to this church because you don't want to have too much problems with your grandparents?

I tend to disagree with you that the other people over there really like you. I tend to think that those other people have only one goal, and that is to try you to 'bring back'. I tend to think that they consider you as something like 'a lost sheep', who needs some care. 'Maybe it is not yet too late to convert you back, and let you follow a 'becoming-straight-therapy', then marry a nice girl and raise childeren'. I tend to think that alot of these 'loving' people, think along this kind of lines. I mean, right now you are single, you are just 18, there is no BF around. Could you imagine that you would go to this church with a boyfriend (or with just a gay friend), on a similar way how fellow straight guys of your age / background would also do this with their girlfriend?

So it seems that your brothers get used that you are gay? I can also imagine that is might be somehow tough for them, especially when there is some sort of situation at home as either
'your bother(s) reject 'JohnstonKommer', and choose for me [=your dad], and then its ok' or
'your brothers are ok with JohnstonKommer', and thus choose against your dad, and that's bad'.

Any idea if you might talk with your lil (?) / younger brother about giving him back to you those games? Or maybe you are now too old for these games?

Well the funny thing is, my grandparents don't go to church anymore themselves, so they can't say much. And they hate the church I go to. Yes it's a pentecostal Christian church, but My grandfather was a minister of his own church for years, and he always would butt heads with that church.

I'm sure some of them do feel that way, but I've made friends over the years at that church and even after I came out they're still there for me. They got to know me and they can see I'm not just some 'homosexual', there's more to me than who I sleep with (or hope to sleep with someday :/).

Some people do accept me, and my (very few) gay friends have gone with me before. No one has tried to convert me for years.

I'm sure once I get a boyfriend and if he's likes church too or wants to go with me I can find a 'gay church'.

My brother's are probably in denial like my Dad. I'm just glad they're being civil. Agree to disagree it feels like. I think they realize they can't just get rid of me. Though...I'd like to be able to leave, move away...

And my games, eh, I don't even know which ones I missing by now. If I think about it and want to play one I'll ask him. They ARE mine.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Keeland & Ganoderma: There is one locally?! I'll certainly look into it.

I've never had sex, so HIV/AIDS test isn't needed, but maybe I should do it anyways just in case? It is free.

I'll definitely look into that. Isolation is horrid.

 

[JohnstonKommer]

You may have missed Post 101 in this thread, if you didn't scroll back enough when reading the later posts.

Yes I saw it. I searched and I think I found it. I assume it is because it's run by a frumpy lesbian couple Which is cool.

Also.

*Update*
I called a surgeon today, and I have an appointment on Friday. I'm kinda scared too. I should be okay, right...?

 

[neditesjamais]

*Update*
I called a surgeon today, and I have an appointment on Friday. I'm kinda scared too. I should be okay, right...?

Great! This is really good news. And I'm slightly jealous. I have to wait another week to get to a surgeon.

Hope things are turning around for you, JK.

 

[NCDogGuy]

JK - I am very glad you have an appointment with the surgeon. Please let us know what you find out.

You really seem like a nice guy and I want to see you succeed.

Good luck!

 

[JohnstonKommer]

Keeland: I like frumpy lesbians btw So I'm good.

And thank you Mark.