How do I move on...

[lostguy]

Hi guys, I writing on here just so I could get any help/advice, which is greatly appreciated.

Here goes my story.

My ex and I split this past feb. Things wasn't working out between us for awhile, and decided that I needed to end things with him because I was causing so much pain and hurt to him.

After the split, we remained in contact. We were basically texting everyday like we use to. Im guessing he still thinks that there would be a chance for us to get back together. However, my mind was pretty made up that I wont get back together with him, until couple of months later.

It's like I was able to think clearly, and think straight that I made a mistake. A huge mistake, of leaving him. I was actually running away from the problems we had, instead of facing it head on together with him. Instead, I chose to run and be a coward.

Since then, I have told him that I wanted to make our relationship work again, I was willing to do anything to earn back his trust and his feelings. But this time round, he was really cold and didnt really respond to my text as often as he use to. He told me that he is recently seeing someone. I was totally upset about it and heartbroken, but i have no one to blame but myself for it.

I have been asking to meet him for coffee or dinner just so we can hangout or start seeing each other again. But every time something came up for either of us (work/family stuff).And each time I ask him, does he think that we will have a chance to be together again. Each time his answer was 'I'm not sure' or 'I have not made a decision yet'. This goes on for 2-3 months, and I felt like i was going insane trying to get him back.

Finally, I said I can't torture myself anymore, so I wrote him a letter, since he's not replying to my texts at this point, that I am going to end things, have a closure for myself. 2 weeks after writing the letter to him, his relationship status on facebook was change to 'Being in a relationship'.

From then onwards, i have removed him from all of my social platform, all our pictures together. Literally erased the 2 years we had together. Because it was all to painful and hard for me to see and I needed to move on, or i thought it will help.

However till this day, I still think of him pretty constantly. I hold on to the decision I made, and I regret it everyday. I killing me inside. It seems that I am unable to move on. I've tried going on dates and meeting new people. But it doesn't help at all, besides I'm not ready for anything yet.

I will have to meet him next month to pass him his stuff that are still with me. And the thought of seeing him again makes me really nervous. I'm not sure how I would react.

I would like to ask, what should I do/say to him when I meet him, and how do I move on from him? It all seem too difficult to do.

Cheers,

Lostguy.

 

[kallipolis]

The emotions cannot be wiped clean by removing photographs for your memories will continue to engage you with the past.

With time you can come to terms with your new reality, knowing that healing your feelings is a gradual acceptance of today's reality.

Occupy yourself with pursuits that distract your mind wandering, with a new hobby and/or socialising that is not exclusively focused on creating a new intimate relationship.

It has been said, and often by former partners that one learns more about ones former relationship, after the relationship has ended.

When you meet your ex to deliver his belongings it might well be wise to size up his response to meeting you, before assuming that there are grounds for re-activating your former relationship....bearing in mind that some ten months have elapsed since you elected to end the relationship.

 

[kallipolis]

PS I recall these words of advice encourageing me to live in the present, rather than dwell in the past:

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.~Alexander Graham Bell

 

[Seasoned]

You don't have to see him again if you don't want to. You could have someone else meet him to hand over his stuff.

It's my belief that for whatever reason you broke up you had/have things to learn--about yourself, about relationships, etc.

Part of the reason you're regretting breaking up is because he's moved on and is no longer sharing the grief of the loss of your relationship. You said everything you need to say when you wrote that you aren't ready for anything yet.

 

[lostguy]

Hi Kallipolis,

I know that erasing all the photographs and removing him from social media doesn't wipe clean the emotions i have for him, but I thought this would limit the number of times of him popping out of my feed, thus reminding me of him.

I don't expect of rekindling any former relationship with him when I meet him. Probably would like to know why he chose not to give me any sort of answer to end it formally. A closure is what I'm looking for I reckon.

I guess you have no idea how some things are important to you until you have lost it, and it's too late by then.

Thanks for the reply and advice. Much appreciated.

Cheers.

 

[lostguy]

Hi Season,

I feel that I shouldn't include anyone els into this situation by helping me deliver the stuff to him. And I reckon it's the right thing that I should be the one doing it.

Yes you are right, after the relationship, I have learnt so much more about myself and how relationship works between two adults and how the mechanics work. Sadly, maybe I wasn't experienced enough to know better, hence the failure of our relationship.

It just surprises me that he could have moved on on such a fast pace. Maybe 10 months is long for some, or short for others. In any case, I wasn't expecting it and probably that's why I'm upset and disappointed. Any how, who am I to say when he should move on or not. That's up to him.

Thanks for the advice,

Cheers.

 

[KaraBulut]

My ex and I split this past feb. Things wasn't working out between us for awhile, and decided that I needed to end things with him because I was causing so much pain and hurt to him...
I still think of him pretty constantly. I hold on to the decision I made, and I regret it everyday. I killing me inside. It seems that I am unable to move on. I've tried going on dates and meeting new people.

The question that comes to mind in these situations is, "Are you missing him or are you missing the relationship that you had a long time ago?"

Often, when you unravel what you're really feeling, you realize that the relationship died while you were still together and while you may have eventually accepted that the relationship had ended, it doesn't mean that you moved through the rest of the stages of grief to the point where you're able to move on.

There's a lot of things that have to happen when you're getting back to being single- developing new friendships, putting together a social life without your partner, doing things for yourself that you enjoy, moving on with life... Trying to replace a partner with another person isn't really a workable solution because moving on is about you, not replacing your partner.

 

[daddyfaux]

Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but it's striking how, almost identical, our situations are. I guess I'll share that you're not alone if you're feeling so.

Was with him for 2 years, lived together, then I ended the relationship and his heart was shattered. He militantly tried getting me back through the span of 3 months. During that time I mostly felt he was a nuisance (I was actually dating someone for most of it, trying to start a new life without my ex) but I still talked with him every once in awhile because, I loved him for 2 years, it was hard to cut off despite the relationship needing to end.

Either way, I stopped seeing said guy and my ex still desperately wanted me. After finally meeting over a beer it was instantaneous how we clicked back and started hanging out regularly. I persistently told him we should work on a friendship, as I was still holding onto resentment and fear from our relationship. He would cry every time the talk happened, but still wanted to keep hanging out, so this continued for a couple of months. I saw the change I wanted from him in the past, and my feelings came back, even tenfold for that matter. Hanging out regularly turned into me basically living at his place, I thought we had just morphed back into a relationship without really discussing it. The "I love you" farewells were back. The intimacy was, somewhat back. But, by the time I made my feelings known after arguing about him flirting with another guy at the bar in front of me, to my complete surprise, he had said he had numbed out and adjusted to this "friendship", and no longer felt the way he did before.

It shattered my heart. I was devastated. And then I suddenly became him, begging him everyday to take me back, text after text, call after call. After a month of that, he said he still loved me, and would try to get the passion he had back for us so we could move forward together. It lasted another month, and ended the exact same way, again.


Though, overall, there's something to be said about the way things turned out. During our 2 year run, we took turns hurting eachother, fight after fight until we split. So it's somewhat ironic the aftermath took the same route, just in a different kind of way. I try to look at THAT as the reason, instead of thinking of all the things wrong with me, why he wouldn't love me back again etc. We had a history of fighting and heartbreak, and so it continued, just like it would STILL continue had we both gotten officially back together. Therefor, it's better this way. At least, that's how I think of it on a rare, good day.


Regardless, in terms of moving on, I still haven't been able to do it, so i don't know what to tell ya. He most certainly has, which should light the flame for me to start, but honestly it just makes me more depressed! But realistically, I know when enough time has passed, and I start only knowing who "me" is and not "me when I was him" is, I'll be happy and moved on.

 

[lostguy]

The question that comes to mind in these situations is, "Are you missing him or are you missing the relationship that you had a long time ago?"

Often, when you unravel what you're really feeling, you realize that the relationship died while you were still together and while you may have eventually accepted that the relationship had ended, it doesn't mean that you moved through the rest of the stages of grief to the point where you're able to move on.

There's a lot of things that have to happen when you're getting back to being single- developing new friendships, putting together a social life without your partner, doing things for yourself that you enjoy, moving on with life... Trying to replace a partner with another person isn't really a workable solution because moving on is about you, not replacing your partner.

Hi Karabulut,

I reckon I miss him, he himself as a person. Not the relationship. His companion, spending time with him etc.

I have been trying to be social with all my friends, making plans over the weekend, keeping myself busy and my mind busy. But sometime I just can't help but have a few minutes thought of him. It's probably the guilt and regret that is holding me back from moving on. I am trying to find myself again through this time whist being single, and I have no intention of replacing my ex partner in anyway because this would be just finding a replacement which is never gonna help me move on.

Thanks for your advice,

Cheers.