How do I tell if my BF is cheating on me?

[fuzguzzler]

I am either paranoid or justified - you tell me.

Background: We've been going out for a little over a year now. I'm in my early twenties, he's in his forties. It's my first relationship ever (but not his). We call each other at least 3 times a day for brief chats. He tells me he loves me.

Why I think he's cheating:
1. He's charismatic and outgoing
2. We've haven't really hung out on the weekends together (my job is on the weekends though and sometimes I'm just dead tired after work). When I ask if he wants to hang out, he makes an excuse that I believe.
3. Whenever I ask him if I can stay over his place, he makes up an excuse. Like "there's construction here" "you will, just wait" "but you have to get to work in the morning, I'm just thinking about you" I think I've stayed over his place 3 times the whole year.
4. For awhile, I only saw him twice a week. But in his defense, he travels a lot on his job and his job keeps him very busy. He's also a landlord with some real estate/legal issues right now so that keeps him busy.
5. However, he just lost his job. I would've thought that would've meant we get to see each other more...seeing as how I'm free during the day too (I have a weird job schedule). But not really. I ask him why and he says he's networking and has crazy things to take care of.
6. He keeps his phone with him at all times, even when he goes to the bathroom. Sometimes he exits the room when he picks up the phone. But I could be paranoid.
7. He was showing me pictures of one of his business trips once, and he accidentally showed me pictures of a shirtless guy in a Adam4Adam-style photo. I asked him who it was, and he said it was a friend whose name is ABCXYZ. He never mentioned him before, and he never mentioned it afterwards.
8. Several months later, someone calls him while we are driving and he says "ok I'll see you at 6:30 tomorrow" and I'm like "oh was that your sister?". And he says no, it was ABCXYZ, after not mentioning his name since that first time mentioned in #7. He then gets a little bit defensive later and says "oh but I'm going to cancel" without me asking about it. It turns out he didn't cancel.
9. He doesn't talk about his day much when I ask him. He's just so secretive. Would I be a crazy stalker bitch if I start probing more about his day (but genuinely caring how his day went?)
10. He introduced me to two of his friends early on in the relationship, and I never saw them again. I don't know who his friends are or what he does when he's not with me. He has included me in his life really, and I just feel like he's hiding something.

Why I think he might NOT be cheating:
1. He could be legitimately busy
2. He might just be a guarded person in general
3. Maybe he just doesn't like people over his house?
4. He says he loves me very much, and we call each other a lot.
5. We started barebacking a year into the relationship when I felt I could trust him, and he still barebacks (but maybe he knows that if he asks to use a condom it'll be admission of cheating)
6. He's a very religious person who goes to church every Sunday.
7. I asked him if he's playing me and he said that it's normal for people who get closer to not want to get hurt and start questioning the other person's intentions.
8. I texted one of his friends on Adam4Adam asking if he's playing me and his friend said "Wow are you kidding me. He's the last person in the world who would do that. I know for a fact that he's into you" But his friend might be covering for him in a "bros before hoes" type of thing.

Can I have someone's opinion on this please? When I am with him, I have a lot of fun with him and am very happy, but when he's away my mind starts racing and paranoid about what he might be doing. The fact that I don't see him as much as I would like doesn't help. I can't shake this feeling off and I usually trust my gut instincts. I felt like he put me under his spell the entire year and I just didn't see it. The hardest part is not having definite proof. How do I find out for sure? I feel like he's just going to deny it if I ask.

Thanks for reading this long post! Please help me out.

 

[Seasoned]

You don't need proof. If a relationship is making you crazy it means it's not healthy for you to be in that relationship. Playing detective is codependency in action. That is a real illness that needs some form of intervention.

It seems to ne that there is a lot of time when you wish to be with him but can't. I think you need to find other company rather than worrying what he's up to. In the end the two of you do not share a life. It seems you want more and you deserve more. It appears he's backed off from you and perhaps it's time you do the same. "Tuesday? I'm sorry, I can't."

 

[altlover85]

I don't know if he's cheating or not. Something isn't right regardless since you aren't able to see him as much as you would like. I don't think you're asking for anything out of the ordinary.

I do have a few questions for you and then some more thoughts about your post.

How long have you two been going out?

You said you've been barebacking a year into things, so I assume it's longer than a year.

Have you two talked about being exclusive?

Have you talked about where the relationship is going?

Where do you see things in 5 years?

As to what you should do, I would stop the barebacking if you are having doubts about his fidelity. I would tell him you want to see him more than you are now and that he needs to trust that you know what's best for you as far as his excuses about you getting to work go.

If he's unwilling to have you stay over more, I would seriously reevaluate the situation and see what you are getting out of the relationship.

Since you are in your 20's I'm sure there are plenty of other guys who would like to spend time with you. A few times staying over does not seem adequate for two people that are in a relationship unless one of you was living with your parents or closeted, which I assume is not the case.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[KaraBulut]

If you've had a boyfriend for over a year and you know so very little about him, then he's:

1. A secret agent
2. A superhero (check his closet for superhero suit)
3. Involved with someone else
4. Has something to hide
5. Isn't really a "boyfriend"

If you're lucky, he's a superhero.

But it's more likely that he has something to hide.

 

[-Arthur]

Your cheating list outweighs your not-cheating list. Honestly, his reasons for why you shouldn't come over sound like bull; very weak excuses. Perhaps you should start by telling him that you know less about him than you would like to know. Whatever happens will be a lesson learned. I hope things go well for you :]

 

[fuzguzzler]

To answer the questions.

I definitely don't think he's closeted.

He says he loves and does treat me nice. He pleasures me in bed more way more than I do for him. He treats me nice. He takes me on trips and pays for airfare and the hotel.

We've been going out for a year and a few months.

We've talked about our exclusivity policy. Our agreement is that we can hookup with other people as long as we tell each other. I've told him about the few times I've hookedup when he was away and made sure it was okay with him in advance, and he's told me about no one.

We haven't talked about where the relationship is going. The thing is, he drunkenly proposed to me 6 months into the relationship. We talked about that when he sobered up and I told him that it was too soon.

The reason I don't want to break up with him is because I know I'm going to feel lonely afterwards, and honestly, it's not easy for me to find a boyfriend.

 

[fuzguzzler]

Also, he's in his mid-to-late 40's. I feel like he's doing one of two thiings:

(1) He feels he's nearing the end of his prime and wants to do everything before this happens
(2) He's looking for someone to marry. Since I haven't committed, he's playing multiple people at once since he doesn't have time to wait until I break up with him (or vice versa)

 

[altlover85]

He says he loves and does treat me nice. He pleasures me in bed more way more than I do for him. He treats me nice. He takes me on trips and pays for airfare and the hotel.

Is there a reason for the inequality in the bedroom? Are you attracted to him?

We haven't talked about where the relationship is going. The thing is, he drunkenly proposed to me 6 months into the relationship. We talked about that when he sobered up and I told him that it was too soon.

Do you want something serious with him at some point in the future?

The reason I don't want to break up with him is because I know I'm going to feel lonely afterwards, and honestly, it's not easy for me to find a boyfriend.

If this is the only reason why you are with him, I'd break up and move on.

Why is it not easy for you to find a boyfriend? Is it physical or is it more of a personality issue?

If it's physical, you simply have to broaden your horizons. Generally, there's someone out there for everyone. You may not think you're all that attractive, but I'm sure someone does.

Also, he's in his mid-to-late 40's. I feel like he's doing one of two thiings:

(1) He feels he's nearing the end of his prime and wants to do everything before this happens
(2) He's looking for someone to marry. Since I haven't committed, he's playing multiple people at once since he doesn't have time to wait until I break up with him (or vice versa)

What exactly is everything?

 

[fuzguzzler]

With all due respect atlover, I didn't come hear to talk about the dynamic of our relationship, but to see if my paranoia is justified. I appreciate that you are trying to help though. I think I know the answer to my original question now.

 

[altlover85]

With all due respect atlover, I didn't come hear to talk about the dynamic of our relationship, but to see if my paranoia is justified. I appreciate that you are trying to help though. I think I know the answer to my original question now.

Well, like I said, I don't know for sure whether or not he's cheating. The best you can do is ask him and go from there.

More than likely he'll deny it and you'll still have to evaluate where things. My questions were asked so that I had a better idea of the relationship. Facts aren't as useful without some context.

 

[fuzguzzler]

right, I understood where you were coming from. Thanks!

Well I found out he's been leading a double life dating two (or more) guys at the same time. Cheers, guys!

 

[rjmrjm21]

I am either paranoid or justified - you tell me.

Background: We've been going out for a little over a year now. I'm in my early twenties, he's in his forties. It's my first relationship ever (but not his). We call each other at least 3 times a day for brief chats. He tells me he loves me.

Why I think he's cheating:
1. He's charismatic and outgoing
2. We've haven't really hung out on the weekends together (my job is on the weekends though and sometimes I'm just dead tired after work). When I ask if he wants to hang out, he makes an excuse that I believe.
3. Whenever I ask him if I can stay over his place, he makes up an excuse. Like "there's construction here" "you will, just wait" "but you have to get to work in the morning, I'm just thinking about you" I think I've stayed over his place 3 times the whole year.
4. For awhile, I only saw him twice a week. But in his defense, he travels a lot on his job and his job keeps him very busy. He's also a landlord with some real estate/legal issues right now so that keeps him busy.
5. However, he just lost his job. I would've thought that would've meant we get to see each other more...seeing as how I'm free during the day too (I have a weird job schedule). But not really. I ask him why and he says he's networking and has crazy things to take care of.
6. He keeps his phone with him at all times, even when he goes to the bathroom. Sometimes he exits the room when he picks up the phone. But I could be paranoid.
7. He was showing me pictures of one of his business trips once, and he accidentally showed me pictures of a shirtless guy in a Adam4Adam-style photo. I asked him who it was, and he said it was a friend whose name is ABCXYZ. He never mentioned him before, and he never mentioned it afterwards.
8. Several months later, someone calls him while we are driving and he says "ok I'll see you at 6:30 tomorrow" and I'm like "oh was that your sister?". And he says no, it was ABCXYZ, after not mentioning his name since that first time mentioned in #7. He then gets a little bit defensive later and says "oh but I'm going to cancel" without me asking about it. It turns out he didn't cancel.
9. He doesn't talk about his day much when I ask him. He's just so secretive. Would I be a crazy stalker bitch if I start probing more about his day (but genuinely caring how his day went?)
10. He introduced me to two of his friends early on in the relationship, and I never saw them again. I don't know who his friends are or what he does when he's not with me. He has included me in his life really, and I just feel like he's hiding something.

Why I think he might NOT be cheating:
1. He could be legitimately busy
2. He might just be a guarded person in general
3. Maybe he just doesn't like people over his house?
4. He says he loves me very much, and we call each other a lot.
5. We started barebacking a year into the relationship when I felt I could trust him, and he still barebacks (but maybe he knows that if he asks to use a condom it'll be admission of cheating)
6. He's a very religious person who goes to church every Sunday.
7. I asked him if he's playing me and he said that it's normal for people who get closer to not want to get hurt and start questioning the other person's intentions.
8. I texted one of his friends on Adam4Adam asking if he's playing me and his friend said "Wow are you kidding me. He's the last person in the world who would do that. I know for a fact that he's into you" But his friend might be covering for him in a "bros before hoes" type of thing.

Can I have someone's opinion on this please? When I am with him, I have a lot of fun with him and am very happy, but when he's away my mind starts racing and paranoid about what he might be doing. The fact that I don't see him as much as I would like doesn't help. I can't shake this feeling off and I usually trust my gut instincts. I felt like he put me under his spell the entire year and I just didn't see it. The hardest part is not having definite proof. How do I find out for sure? I feel like he's just going to deny it if I ask.

Thanks for reading this long post! Please help me out.

He's just not that into you--sorry. You'll find someone else. Good luck.