How Do I Tell My Boyfriend...

[PipeDream]

Setting aside that I don't think that's a fair assessment of the OP, sometimes I think there's an overemphasis on practicality when it comes to advice.

"Just talk to him about it" is a pretty common relationship thread killer since it's usually the best course of action, but sometimes people just need to talk for the purpose of clarifying their thoughts or in order to prepare themselves mentally for something difficult. Very recently I had identical conversations with two different friends for those very reasons. I knew what I needed to do and how I needed to do it, but I wanted to talk to them about it beforehand anyway, and just letting people talk about something has value.

It's not always about immediate practical solutions.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

To be blunt, I don't know why you do this to everyone here.

You post some moaning thread about problems with your relationship in Hot Topics instead of the Relationships forum and then proceed to tell everyone why they are wrong about everything.

I will repeat the same advice that I gave earlier.

Talk to your BF about it.

Don't waste your time trawling for advice from avatars.

This is why I said what I said. Not going to try to offer anything more because any other time I did I was met with the same responses. And maybe we don’t get it for some reason but that’s why the end of the day you could only get so much from people you’re talking to through a message board.

 

[NotHardUp1]

You lack the ability to understand that love and romance for someone else might be different than what you see it as. You think because sex means certain things to you, it means those same things to everyone. You have a profound inability to understand that different people interpret and value things differently.

I know I am, but what are you. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

Now that the slapping bit is over, you again reframe the exchange to be about what sex means to others instead of what a RELATIONSHIP means when ANYTHING disrupts it. It becomes an emotional problem, not intellectual. It's not a sterile thing. It's not dispassionate. It's part of the core of the relationship.

I'm no psychologist, but I'll lay a dollar to a dime you have an issue that is more centered around that denial and that disconnect than anything to do with the hands of the clock outrunning your dick.

It's been there all along, all through the years when you've posted here, and it's still here.

No one's trying to change you one whit, which is what I take to be the drumbeat of your repeated "narrative" redirects. We're trying to tell you that you're avoiding part of the dynamics in some way, else you wouldn't be having the problem communicating with your partner about it. And you certainly wouldn't be so disturbed by it that you'd be turning to strangers on JUB to talk it out.

But, as Rareboy said, it's not going to solve much to come here with "it's a problem -- what do I do," only to be paired with "shut up -- that's not it," and "nope, getting colder."

What exactly ARE you open to hearing?

And we both know I'm not "just another JUBber," as if that's somehow an epithet for "you fools out there." Aside from it contradicting why you started the thread, I'm one of the fools who's tenacious enough to stick it out, not just one of the 90% who lurk, the 8% who avoid Hot Topics, or the 1% who troll. You're avoiding something, and it's there for all to see in this thread.

 

[luckynumbah7]

Suggesting that sex and the dance around it between two people in a long term relationship is somehow a pristine inert element like one of the noble gasses, say helium, is not accurate. Sex and its interplay is more like sodium. It's everywhere and its reactive by its nature. It can't keep from bonding with other atoms, in this case, human emotions.

I'm positing that emotions are there for everyone, but only some people care to discuss them. Others, say those who struggle with communicating, may prefer to even deny they are there.

Some long term relationships are just sexual. An employee at roomie's previous work volunteered to pay for the initial relocation of another employee cross-country with her since she was moving, despite that they're not dating, as the long-term sexual relationship of the fuck 'em & skeddaddle variety worked out so long for so well. He wasn't interested in moving. It's possible to accomplish but difficult for most to understand.

I'll grant that most long term relationships of the monogamous variety don't work like that. I'll even grant that his clearly isnt working like that and he should've set up discussion ages ago whether it works like that or not. But I've noticed emotional circumstances involving sex often depends more on the individual's interpretation of events than what their partner is actually doing.

If you don't need sex for engendering emotion, you also don't need emotion for sex. That doesn't mean emotions don't need to be discussed, just that there's a clarity that your own sexual emotional peccadillos probably aren't being caused by a specific partner.

Which I don't think is the case with Loner, because 'consistently high sex drive' rarely comes off to others as a care that they're not being used at the expense of themself. He wants to be proactive in that department then he needs a few long talks on how to let someone feel specifically wanted.

For clarity, I don't disagree with your overall assessment, just that the overly broad sweep of it includes all types of long term relationships.

And I'd think, if it weren't an emotionally laden issue for the op, he wouldn't've been adverse to talking things out at the start instead of coming here. I mean, I know quite a few people who regularly separate sexual behavior from love, discussion is mandatory, whereas he seems to be avoiding it like a plague.

 

[NotHardUp1]

He's already said he's in love with the guy. Presumably, love is an emotion.

Presumably, talking about the potential breakup of the relationship because of sexual incompatibility is an emotional topic.

The whole Oprah red herring is the same old, same old. This COULD be a sex-only hookup encounter in abstraction, but the OP has already said it isn't, so that isn't what is being discussed here. There's not a control group and and experimental group. It's all loner, and a real relationship.

If this issue doesn't have an emotional component, then exactly what is the problem with the communicating to the partner? Word choice? I don't think so.

 

[luckynumbah7]

He's already said he's in love with the guy. Presumably, love is an emotion.

Presumably, talking about the potential breakup of the relationship because of sexual incompatibility is an emotional topic.

The whole Oprah red herring is the same old, same old. This COULD be a sex-only hookup encounter in abstraction, but the OP has already said it isn't, so that isn't what is being discussed here. There's not a control group and and experimental group. It's all loner, and a real relationship.

When he's trying to pretend he's doing an adequate job separating what behavior causes what emotional reaction & why and seems to be blaming the failure not on his own lack of communication but on other's 'messy emotions', it does need to be pointed out that 'He's doin' it wrong.' It's an insult to relationship styles otherwise.

Besides, I also know people in actual dating relationships who separate love and sex. They have more discussion than he does, too. And they don't spend several weeks running from it on a message board while insisting the real issue is 'differences in libido' because that and possible issues surrounding it are always up for discussion.

There's certainly room to 'discuss' how many men use that old canard as a long stick to hold their own feelin's away, though. Right up there with blaming a man's sex drive for his relationship ills instead of the actual problem, which is usually behavior & interpretation of such.

 

[PipeDream]

Apologies to the OP. I went back through the thread and realised I missed the post where you said you talked to him about it. I'm interested to hear more about how the conversation went and how the discussion was framed, if you're willing to share.

Back on page one you also mentioned that your sexual compatibility was spiraling. I don't want to risk another misinterpretation but this does seem to denote a change between the two of you. Were you guys having more sex before, or were you just more willing to accept having less frequent sex until recently?

If you were having more sex before, perhaps you could ask him why if you haven't already. If he was in the mood more frequently in the past, what's different for him now? If you were just more willing to accept having sex less frequently before, what's different for you now?

When things change, particularly for the worse, it is worth examining why.

 

[rareboy]

Setting aside that I don't think that's a fair assessment of the OP, sometimes I think there's an overemphasis on practicality when it comes to advice.

"Just talk to him about it" is a pretty common relationship thread killer since it's usually the best course of action, but sometimes people just need to talk for the purpose of clarifying their thoughts or in order to prepare themselves mentally for something difficult. Very recently I had identical conversations with two different friends for those very reasons. I knew what I needed to do and how I needed to do it, but I wanted to talk to them about it beforehand anyway, and just letting people talk about something has value.

It's not always about immediate practical solutions.

I don't disagree with you.....but there is a difference between looking for advice from friends versus having a long pattern of posting threads complaining about relationships in Hot Topics and then barking back at the opinions you don't like.....every time I read 'You don't know me', my immediate reaction is that an OP is just looking for a fight with anyone who isn't able to validate their own a priori decisions about what they are going to do anyway.

This type of thread is why the Coming Out and Relationships Forum was created.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

To be blunt, I don't know why you do this to everyone here.

You post some moaning thread about problems with your relationship in Hot Topics instead of the Relationships forum and then proceed to tell everyone why they are wrong about everything.

I will repeat the same advice that I gave earlier.

Talk to your BF about it.

Don't waste your time trawling for advice from avatars.

Thanks. I did. I will likely talk more. But it's a sensitive issue. I knowI want to talk, but don't really know how to say it while protecting the relationship. I can't honestly say I know exactly how important this issue is, though I know it's important. It's tough.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

I don't disagree with you.....but there is a difference between looking for advice from friends versus having a long pattern of posting threads complaining about relationships in Hot Topics and then barking back at the opinions you don't like.....every time I read 'You don't know me', my immediate reaction is that an OP is just looking for a fight with anyone who isn't able to validate their own a priori decisions about what they are going to do anyway.

This type of thread is why the Coming Out and Relationships Forum was created.

I have a long pattern of complaining about relationships in HT?

That's nonsense. I literally have only been in one relationship.

Back up your claims. Use the search engine. Present receipts.

 

[luckynumbah7]

It's not lazy hyperbolic language.
You don't know me or my gay friends. Literally every gay friend I have wants to fuck a shit ton. Period. The entire concept of one needing someone else to get them in the mood is alien. I had no idea that was even a thing.

Yes, it is. It's often both intellectually lazy and extremely hyperbolic. I don't actually need to know you or your gay friends all personal-like to know that guys don't usually mean it when they say they're 'always horny.'* Men are far, far from always up for sex; especially when you're honest about either the length of time you can go or the general amount of partner's you've had, and to hear 'em discuss it, it's far from being a concern only in the safer-sex arena; it all emotional, what with the 'am I not special?' internal questioning that tends to be the result of honesty-with-numbers. That's not even getting into length of time spent or checking in to make sure he isn't feeling used. Which is what 'get me in the mood' tends to be translated as, by the way. That's not you separating love from sex, that's you just being accidentally inconsiderate. You are coming off as inconsiderate to your partner and you should probably talk to him to figure out what you're doing that's encouraging that emotion.

There's loads of emotional and subjective experiences that seem to impact most people's ability (and the desire) to get off. Whereas my libido (desire)/ability doesn't give a good goddamn about either the emotional or subjective experience - while something may not turn me on, it won't turn my libido 'off', either. (Provided it's been negotiated and agreed to beforehand, though with a few things I'll refuse cuz risk or ethical considerations- I've never been fond of surprises, shows a lack of willingness to be upfront beforehand. I particularly dislike surprises I've already said 'No' to, which is also often blamed on "Men are always horny wink-wink.". Call it jaded if you like, but what the bulk of men say they want and what they actually do don't tend to be very ...similar.

I figure starting or discontinue'd partner sex usually tends to revolve around ethical or yes, emotional considerations and all people being on the same page with where they're standing, not on whether someone can get it up for ten minutes. If I went by an erection like most of the 'always horny my ass' people claim to do, I'd probably be dead by now - quite a feet that they're still alive when they're often interested in ignoring what I'd consider the obviously practical - like safer sex or testing or 'how do we fit acts 2, 3 & 6 in a mere 45 minute window when x, y, and w could be a concern".

I've had sex with nobody who can match my libido while in-the-act, either for amount or the duration of a sexual encounter. I'm not quite thirty-five and I've been fucking since I was 18, both casually and in various relationship types. At a guess I've screwed well over 80 people, not that that number is high as these things go but I do have standards on partners' seeming ability to acknowledge their own limitations. Because seems to be a pretty damned big discrepancy between a general claim and what most people are actually capable of and I got real tired real fast with guys' claiming they have an insatiable libido. Part of the reason that number is low is because, after much trial, I've figured out that ya'll don't really mean "I'm always horny" in a similar manner that I mean it.

*Runs counter to the 'Women are never horny and are Gatekeepers of The Sex' bullshit social meme. And they're both bullshit, by the way. You should not be surprised about this.

 

[luckynumbah7]

I have a long pattern of complaining about relationships in HT?

That's nonsense. I literally have only been in one relationship.

Back up your claims. Use the search engine. Present receipts.

Er, you do complain about relationships quite a bit. It's why I thought you'd dated at least a couple people already. 'Quite a bit' being relative to your posting history, of course

If you want a receipt check out your photography on vacationing alone thread. Or any thread where you mention social interaction in a less than casual-acquaintance manner. You kind've remind me of an ex of mine, actually, which is possibly not the greatest thread contribution but it's nagging at me, so might as well type it down.

 

[luckynumbah7]

I would like to know why you're intent on blaming your libido for the relationship trouble when your conversation with the man seemed a bit ...short. Doesn't seem to me that "I'm not feeling appreciated/maybe you can get me in the mood" is a 'naturally higher libido' problem. Seems more like a clear communication of appreciation problem to me.

And you probably should've posted this query in another forum if you wanted the delicate explanation.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Er, you do complain about relationships quite a bit. It's why I thought you'd dated at least a couple people already. 'Quite a bit' being relative to your posting history, of course

If you want a receipt check out your photography on vacationing alone thread. Or any thread where you mention social interaction in a less than casual-acquaintance manner. You kind've remind me of an ex of mine, actually, which is possibly not the greatest thread contribution but it's nagging at me, so might as well type it down.

The vacationing alone thread was made during my current and only relationship. It wasn't a complaint about relationships, as my wanting to vacation alone isn't a complaint against relationships; it's generally what I like to do to get the most exploration in without settling.

We are now at the point where if I see a relationship differently than the consensus, it's considered a "complaint" against relationships. Ridiculous much?

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

A brief history of my years with JUB...

ME: I think people put too much pressure on people to couple. Looking for a boyfriend is lame. Having a boyfriend because you met an amazing person is great.

JUB: YOU NEED A BOYFRIEND!

ME: Why do people say they're so shocked that I don't have a boyfriend? That's dumb. Your worth isn't measured by having a partner. Having a partner just means you happened to find the right person.

JUB: YOU NEED A BOYFRIEND!

ME: Ever feel like you don't have a purpose? I'm woefully unsure of what I want to accomplish in life and what I want to do for a living.

JUB: GET A BOYFRIEND! A BOYFRIEND IS A CAREER!

ME: I hooked up with a friend of mine, and now he wants to date, but I don't really see him that way.

JUB: YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR HEART TO HAVING A BOYFRIEND!

ME: I have a boyfriend. How do I tell him that sexually I'm not really feeling it?

JUB: YOU DON'T LOVE YOU BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE?????????

Shit is bananas. I wish I had the self control to not come back here. Can a mod ban me?

 

[Eagle653]

I wish I had the self control to not come back here. Can a mod ban me?

Yes, but that's not the answer. You just need to get a boyfriend. (just kidding!)

It's not a seeming disinterest in me, though. It's sex in general. He's very interested in me, my actions, my goals, etc.

I love him. He loves me. We love each other. Sexual compatibility is spiralling off.

Seriously, this isn't uncommon, but it does require some heart-to-heart communication, and perhaps through professional guidance of a counselor. Is it that he's incapable of giving more, sexually, or he just chooses not to (busy, tired, lower libido than you)? Part of it requires some reflection on your part, and part of it requires some communication from him. Does he know how you feel? Does he care, and/or can he do anything about it? Given that you have a loving relationship in other respects, how important is this aspect to you, yourself? (In other words, can I sacrifice this piece for the greater whole?). Does he feel the same way about you? If so, is he willing to bump up the notch, sexually, to meet what you need too? These are the questions I would be asking the two of you if you were sitting in front of me in therapy.

 

[NotHardUp1]

A brief history of my years with JUB...

ME: I think people put too much pressure on people to couple. Looking for a boyfriend is lame. Having a boyfriend because you met an amazing person is great.

JUB: YOU NEED A BOYFRIEND!

ME: Why do people say they're so shocked that I don't have a boyfriend? That's dumb. Your worth isn't measured by having a partner. Having a partner just means you happened to find the right person.

JUB: YOU NEED A BOYFRIEND!

ME: Ever feel like you don't have a purpose? I'm woefully unsure of what I want to accomplish in life and what I want to do for a living.

JUB: GET A BOYFRIEND! A BOYFRIEND IS A CAREER!

ME: I hooked up with a friend of mine, and now he wants to date, but I don't really see him that way.

JUB: YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR HEART TO HAVING A BOYFRIEND!

ME: I have a boyfriend. How do I tell him that sexually I'm not really feeling it?

JUB: YOU DON'T LOVE YOU BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE?????????

Shit is bananas. I wish I had the self control to not come back here. Can a mod ban me?

A more fair recounting of the series of threads would be multiple threads over several years discussing how much you didn't need an LTR, how other people shouldn't tell you about it, how someone you met wanted to get serious but you didn't see it, and repeated near misses. You repeatedly went out of your way to make thread titles declaring how you didn't need a mate.

I openly admit I didn't summon the history, but I was here for all of it, and I remember the cycle of announcing how much you didn't want or need a boyfriend and then endless arguments with those who posted in your threads.

I also clearly remember how talented you are as a photographer and how nice those threads were.

I remember how you dined or went out to a club or something with Refuji and how much both of you seemed to enjoy the meeting. I admired you for that alone, as Refuji seemed to need the encouragement.

And I admit that there are those who did post in this thread that you'd be better to walk away, but I'm overtly claiming that I did not nor am not. I'm merely trying to make you consider that you have a psychological resistance to discussing the emotional, and overstate it's absence when it obviously is a primary component of your situation.

Finally, I'm not invested whether you take anyone's counsel here or not, but do consider possibilities that counsel may be partly true, even from strangers.

 

[jaysizzles]

Monogamy is emotional? Sex and emotion are not directly linked to me. I want to be with him. I love him. It's just the idea of sex only with him forever that seems unrealistic.

What was his response to this? I know nothing about your guy, but a lot of people aren't agreeable to open relationships. Is that just a passing thought that you don't intend to act upon, or is it something you think you're going to need/want to do?

Sorry, we talked about it for a bit, but that was only for a small amount of time we had together before I flew out to LA. We've been having some sex, not really enough for me, but more than before. And that actually started increasing before we talked.

He ran a line by me stating that I could also try to help get him in the mood. Which is incredibly odd to me because I'm always in the mood; I assumed that's how this worked with two men. I'm happy, I want to fuck. Sad? Wanna fuck. Irritated? Wanna fuck. Broke and unemployed? Wanna fuck. And there's no shortage of guys hitting me up that wanna fuck.

It just seems as though we're not as sexually compatible as I'd prefer. I love him so much, though. I want to be there for him and support him through everything he faces. It's tough.

Not odd to him, apparently. Perhaps it is something you can do for him to help get him in the mood. Is he a rather passive guy...not one to initiate sex? I might suggest that you listen to him, give him the attention and perhaps even romance he wants. While sex and emotions aren't necessarily connected for you, they seem like they could be for him and perhaps he needs more emotional support and attention to get him in the mood. It's all about compromise, you get what you want and he gets what he needs. In turn, sometimes it's just sex like you like it.

I think when you do have your next conversation with him about your sexual incompatibility that you assure him first that you're committed to making the relationship work, and that you're willing to compromise on your needs (that is if you are) and ask if he's able to compromise as well. Since it seems that you're having difficulty having an open and in depth conversation with him about this (since you're asking for advice here), that maybe you, as a couple, can concentrate on how to communicate better, and break down whatever obstacles there are in your relationship that may be preventing you from feeling free to talk about these things with each other. Relationships are "tough", and learning to communicate is key...as well as listening and compromise.

 

[eastofeden]

From your opening post..I assumed you wanted to move on...because what you said is what alot of people say before they break up and decide to be friends....

That has been the experience I have had talking to lots of guys and I have heard this many many times.....which is why I said that the exes also frequently turn out to be best friends with these dynamics...have seen it alot as well....

BUT...my apologies for assuming. The advice is the same though..I think honesty is always the best policy in a relationship. Honesty is an excellent start to begin a conversation....and let the chips fall where they may. IMO..honesty indicates that you respect him..and yourself.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

A more fair recounting of the series of threads would be multiple threads over several years discussing how much you didn't need an LTR, how other people shouldn't tell you about it, how someone you met wanted to get serious but you didn't see it, and repeated near misses. You repeatedly went out of your way to make thread titles declaring how you didn't need a mate.

I openly admit I didn't summon the history, but I was here for all of it, and I remember the cycle of announcing how much you didn't want or need a boyfriend and then endless arguments with those who posted in your threads.

I also clearly remember how talented you are as a photographer and how nice those threads were.

I remember how you dined or went out to a club or something with Refuji and how much both of you seemed to enjoy the meeting. I admired you for that alone, as Refuji seemed to need the encouragement.

And I admit that there are those who did post in this thread that you'd be better to walk away, but I'm overtly claiming that I did not nor am not. I'm merely trying to make you consider that you have a psychological resistance to discussing the emotional, and overstate it's absence when it obviously is a primary component of your situation.

Finally, I'm not invested whether you take anyone's counsel here or not, but do consider possibilities that counsel may be partly true, even from strangers.

Nah. People here have their agendas.

And what exactly is "going out off the way" to make a thread? We all type words into a device then click post. Is it "going out of the way" when you type something people prefer not to hear?