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How do you break up with someone...

LuckysRevenge

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I decided today that I want to break up with the guy I'm seeing. However, I don't know how to go about doing it.

I tried to engage him in conversation last weekend and then again last night but he has avoided it twice. He prefers to act like everything is fine. We live in different cities and only see each other on the weekends.. and he doesn't like to talk on the phone. So how and when do I bring it up?
 
You make it a priority and you tell the truth.
 
He's probably avoiding because he knows it's coming. If you only see him on weekends, the next time tell him to meet you at a neutral place and tell him that you need to talk with him. Just be honest and direct...and firm, but not rude or overbearing. Tell him how you feel and leave it at that. You can simply state that you're sorry it didn't work out and it's best for both of you to move on. Then leave. There is nothing more to discuss.
 
He's probably avoiding because he knows it's coming. If you only see him on weekends, the next time tell him to meet you at a neutral place and tell him that you need to talk with him. Just be honest and direct...and firm, but not rude or overbearing. Tell him how you feel and leave it at that. You can simply state that you're sorry it didn't work out and it's best for both of you to move on. Then leave. There is nothing more to discuss.

The problem is we make plans via text a few days before the weekend.

Do I act like everything's ok and just not say anything until I see him?
 
Set something up that's different from your normal routine. And then tell him first thing. If he's making an effort to come meet you I'd find a way to let him know ahead of time rather than have him just turn right around again.

It seems as if you've made up your mind and you are certainly entitled, but is there something you could work on together to improve things?
 
Set something up that's different from your normal routine. And then tell him first thing. If he's making an effort to come meet you I'd find a way to let him know ahead of time rather than have him just turn right around again.

It seems as if you've made up your mind and you are certainly entitled, but is there something you could work on together to improve things?

Honestly I think letting him know ahead of time is best. And then giving him the chance of meeting if he wants. I just don't know how to say it.

And I don't think there's anything we can work on. There's barely any physical or emotional connection. He doesn't show affection or intimacy and that's a huge need for me. He's also lacking in empathy.
 
And I don't think there's anything we can work on. There's barely any physical or emotional connection. He doesn't show affection or intimacy and that's a huge need for me. He's also lacking in empathy.

I think you just said it.

BTW, you mentioned your needs. What are his?
 
I think you just said it.

BTW, you mentioned your needs. What are his?

I'm not sure. I wanted to talk about it but he said he was tired and it was late. And it didn't come up again.

We were dating and I thought it wasn't going to work out. Was going to call it off. But he convinced me to try. Said that he realizes he was in love with me and that he would do whatever it takes to make it work.

And I said okay. I was going to try to be patient. But it didn't get better. I was feeling unhappy and if you start off a relationship unhappy, I don't see the point.

Problem is I don't want to come off as accusatory or as if I'm detailing things I find wrong with him.
 
Curious as to what happened. What you've touch on above is the difference between breaking up and giving a list of reasons why you're breaking up. Even if "the list" is accurate, it's always more than "the list."

The truth is we are willing to work on some relationships no matter the length of that list, while others we know are over no matter how short the list. There are a lot of intangibles when it comes to relationships because we are body, mind, emotions and spirit. All are involved in letting us know we are with the right person, but, to make it work and to be on even footing, that other person has to have thoughts, feelings, attraction and compatibility.
 
texting is ok

Texting is NOT ok. It is cowardly. Claiming to have feelings for someone and then dismissing them in virtual reality is pretty low, morally speaking. If you can't face someone else's emotions, you have no business being in a relationship.

If the poster is going to see him on the weekend, THAT is when he can do it. Face to face. This is why people are so cynical about what they call 'Love.' They pick the wrong partner for the wrong reason and when it is time to do the right thing, which is the respectful thing, they opt out. That is not the behavior of an adult: this is the behavior teenagers exhibit around the age of 16. If one is doing this at 30, one can reasonably assume one is more likely functioning in the same way as a16-year old, emotionally speaking.
Even though it will be uncomfortable, prepare him by telling him that there is something important you want to discuss when you arrive. If he chooses not to ask a followup question, the odds are good that he knows what is coming and is avoiding it. That's no excuse for your behavior, though, should you choose to pretend all is well. One can be an adult or one can avoid growing up. Breaking up is no fun for anyone, but your past behavior - how you handled your last anything - is an indicator of what you will do the next time. This explains why guys (and women) continue to pick the wrong person. It's not the other person with the problem: it's us. One cannot eternally blame the other person. A therapist once told me, "The worst thing you can do when you are dating someone is to stop assessing in the early months." There are almost always signs that warn us, but we ignore them. He's ignoring signs. The question now is: are you going to participate in the "elephant in the middle of the room that no one is discussing" or are you going to say what needs to be said?
 
Texting is NOT ok. It is cowardly. Claiming to have feelings for someone and then dismissing them in virtual reality is pretty low, morally speaking. If you can't face someone else's emotions, you have no business being in a relationship.

If the poster is going to see him on the weekend, THAT is when he can do it. Face to face. This is why people are so cynical about what they call 'Love.' They pick the wrong partner for the wrong reason and when it is time to do the right thing, which is the respectful thing, they opt out. That is not the behavior of an adult: this is the behavior teenagers exhibit around the age of 16. If one is doing this at 30, one can reasonably assume one is more likely functioning in the same way as a16-year old, emotionally speaking.
Even though it will be uncomfortable, prepare him by telling him that there is something important you want to discuss when you arrive. If he chooses not to ask a followup question, the odds are good that he knows what is coming and is avoiding it. That's no excuse for your behavior, though, should you choose to pretend all is well. One can be an adult or one can avoid growing up. Breaking up is no fun for anyone, but your past behavior - how you handled your last anything - is an indicator of what you will do the next time. This explains why guys (and women) continue to pick the wrong person. It's not the other person with the problem: it's us. One cannot eternally blame the other person. A therapist once told me, "The worst thing you can do when you are dating someone is to stop assessing in the early months." There are almost always signs that warn us, but we ignore them. He's ignoring signs. The question now is: are you going to participate in the "elephant in the middle of the room that no one is discussing" or are you going to say what needs to be said?

If someone lives in a different city, I think a phone call break up is acceptable. Personally, I'd prefer that than for someone to have me drive a few hours just to get my heartbroken.
 
A phone call is respectful, I agree, when distance is involved. Texting, in my book, is a terrible thing to do. You engaged someone's emotions by spending time with them, presumably face to face, yet a text message is ok to say goodbye? This is akin to finding out you've been fired thru Twitter or Facebook. Would anyone like to hear the news that way? I rather doubt it. Texting is the same as Twitter or Facebook. And doing it says a great deal about the kind of human being one is. Others are free to disagree (and have), but this is still the act of someone who is extremely emotionally immature. And past is prologue: if a person did this in their last relationship, they'll do it in the next. We change by behaving in a mature way in how we handle situations. Hurting someone in this way? Wow. Just. WOW.
 
Curious as to what happened. What you've touch on above is the difference between breaking up and giving a list of reasons why you're breaking up. Even if "the list" is accurate, it's always more than "the list."

The truth is we are willing to work on some relationships no matter the length of that list, while others we know are over no matter how short the list. There are a lot of intangibles when it comes to relationships because we are body, mind, emotions and spirit. All are involved in letting us know we are with the right person, but, to make it work and to be on even footing, that other person has to have thoughts, feelings, attraction and compatibility.

I broke up over text. Some may say it's cowardly or whatever but he was unwilling to talk over phone and I don't know if embarrassing him by breaking up in person would have been better.

He texted me during the summer. For some closure. He may or may not have gotten it. We talked again when he messaged me on a hookup site after I viewed his profile.

Sometimes I miss him but I'm sure I did the right thing.
 
Lucky, you said he was lacking in affection, intimacy and empathy. Those are pretty important things in a relationship. It was made even worse by his refusal to talk to you. What exactly did you see in him?
 
Lucky, you said he was lacking in affection, intimacy and empathy. Those are pretty important things in a relationship. It was made even worse by his refusal to talk to you. What exactly did you see in him?

On paper he was everything I wanted. Attractive, hung, huge ass. Intelligent, funny, nerdy, weed friendly. Wanted a family, is same age as me, is brutally honest.

But he suffers from depression and anxiety and wasn't getting the help he needed.

Also because we saw each other infrequently during most of the time I knew him (before we started dating seriously), I didn't realize his lack of sex drive would be a problem or his lack of affection. They might stem from issues he had growing up and going through some pretty tough things as a child. He has difficult showing his affection or expressing his emotions.

No one is perfect and I would have worked with him but he's stubborn and the longer I stayed (although it wasn't long at all) the worst I felt about myself. I really wish I could have helped him.
 
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