How do you deal with it?

[jaybuoy]

Hi im new to the forum im 18 years old, I live in the UK and im gay. Nobody knows family nor freinds and its now getting to a point where I can no longer cope, now please dont take offence to this thread but basically I dont want to gay, I want to like women but obviously I cant im attracted to men. I have felt like this since the age of 13-14. And I hate it, how have use lot dealt with it, how did you tell your parents. I dont plan on telling them yet, and probaly wont for years but im from a christian background and all my life I have had it drilled into my head that being gay is wrong. And its so hard to describe how I feel but the thing im feeling the most is im scared, i really am. Terrified even, im assuming my parents dont have any clue im gay because im not the sterotype of one, I dont act camp, I like things like camping, hikeing, rock climbing etc. So I feel like they are going to be so shocked when I eventually tell them, and its not just that all my boy mates are straight and I care for them like a brother, but what if they fall out with me over it.

Now please dont say embrace it because I feel like I cant, because of this Im going to have to endure discrimination all my life and I really wanted my own kids, its not going to happen now. And even worse this is constantly playing on my mind, its affecting family life, my education in college etc.

I need some advice because I feel so sick of this, and I have feeling if this carrys on building up inside, its going to lead to something bad!

 

[FabFairy]

Your very young and have a long life journey ahead and there will be many twists and turns that will not always please. Until you can accept yourself for the person you are and reach some life goals it can be a little over powering.

From what you have written I gather that the only knowledge you have is from what you have read or told with a christian view point so it would be best to start to educate yourself about the gay community. We are a very diverse and can relate to camping, hiking, rock climbing, horse riding, football etc even doing and enjoying it.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to contact one of the Christian Gay Groups in the UK to put that in prospective. And a service to get some outside help to assist you with accepting and understanding where you are in life and what you can do to understand and imporve yourself.

It is very nice to decide I don't want to be this and rail against it for the next 10 years but the end result may be that your life will be complete crap. Designing and building a nice little comfortable life may be what you want but you should be working to accept who you are and then work to improve it, it doesn't mean you have to give up camping, hiking, rock climbing, horse riding, football etc. It also means you don't have to tell everyone either.

To believe that all gays are camp queens is wrong as I said earlier we are very diverse meeting a complete cross section that will reflect any other part of society. I'm sorry it is probably not exactly what you would like to hear but life has dealt it's hand and now you need to take steps to make the best of it. By understanding and improving your knowledge to best handle life's little curve balls. It is often believed that a persons sex life never changes and who you are will be for life and in some cases it may be true but for most of us it is ever changing. That is not to say you will get what you want but there may be a compromise in there for you in the future.

My concern is that you at least take step to to come to term with yourself in the immediate future with help that can assist and help you cope. It is surprising how helpful it can be to talk things over who understands where your at/in life. Hope this has help and Welcome to JUB

PS: Christian Gay Group do have many services that are available to assist you.

 

[chillyboi]

Well put FabFairy

i just would like to add, Talk to someone, should it be a priest or someone who knows you very well that you can trust

the worst thing you can do is bottle it up!!

 

[Persian89]

Just stay in the closet, and jerk off to gay porn til you hit 80 and THEN you can come out and hit on the younger boys you missed out on, you'll be fine.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Hi im new to the forum im 18 years old, I live in the UK and im gay.

What you need to do is get out of your parents's house, and start a new life of your own. That way, you can start building yourself up in confidence as a gay person, without necessarily having to tell your parents about it or sneaking around.

It's much easier to come out if you are the one who takes care of you, rather than your parents.

Move to a place where there are LGBTs who are openly gay and your Church isn't influential. The bigger the city, the better.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey jaybouy,

Welcome to JUB mate... and thank you for posting and sharing your fears with us. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and support and it says a lot about who you are that you did that.

First of all, always remember this... you are amongst friends - people who have been where you are, people who have the same fears and people who do actually care and who hope in some small way they can help.

Mate, being gay doesnt change you... nor does it fit you neatly into some little box. Those who love you and care about you see your smile, the way you laugh and love others, the way you live your life and your values, your integrity... all the things that make you up. That wont change... ever. Those things, your experiences, your desires and beliefs make you who you are... not your sexuality.

Embracing being gay isnt the issue here Jaybouy... embracing you is - and theres a huge difference. Right now your scared and terrified even as you say... and thats ok, it really is. Most of us have felt that same sense of fear - like a weight that just wont let up and wont ever leave your thoughts. But you have already taken some important steps mate in getting through this.

As you spend some time here mate, you'll see that being gay doesnt mean you fit any stereotype... there isnt one that fits us any more than one fits straight guys. Dont let yourself focus on the negatives... Some of us like cars, some like footy, some like music, some like art... some are the most successful actors and actresses, business leaders and sports people. And being gay didnt stop any of them being successful or influential.

In time you'll also come to realize mate that its also not "wrong" to be gay, just as its not wrong to be tall or blonde or blue eyed. You cant control those things anymore than you can control who you love and care for.

Being gay isnt a life sentence of misery and loneliness, but its a challenge that only we have to deal with... in our own ways in our own time. Its not something that changes you or lessens you jaybouy... its just something thats part of you... another dimension of you.

My advice to you mate is to try and see a way forward. Tackle this like you would any other problem. Learn as much about it as you can - both the good and bad. Find some support - JUB is a great first step, perhaps theres a school councilor, support centre or church group (yeah they really do exist despite the views of too many). You'll be amazed how it lessens the size of the problem to share it with someone.

Then mate, plan to tell someone close to you. A good freind or relative... someone you are close too and can trust. Dont underestimate the love people have for you or the simple fact that they care about you. A parent or siblings real desire is always to see the people they love happy, not burdened or scared or terrified - that I can promise you.

I know it all seems so hard and overwhelming... and it can be. There were quite a few nights where I sat alone and cried till I thought my heart would fall out my chest. I was sure I would be alone and scared for the rest of my life. But the support of 1 or 2 close freinds over time, along with some time to realise that I hadnt really changed, got me through.

It would be an honour for us to do the same for you mate.

 

[jaybuoy]

Thanks for the advice I feel a bit better talking to other gay people, I plan on telling a freind soon a close girl, freind. I think she will take it well, she does not seem like the type of person that will judge me but instead help me, however I am scared to tell her still, and I guess I will have to look further into the gay community, I have just realised it seems like I am the one sterotyping!

 

[screwnutty]

Hey Jaybuoy!

Welcome to JUB buddy!

Everybody has given you great advice! Use it wisely. Now all I have to say is that you need to go into this new life of your with some attidude!

Your 18...hopefully your familiar with the Master Chief. Anyways watch this video and draw strength from it. Your the best and dont let anybody tell you your not. Never give up hope...no matter the cost!

 

[jaybuoy]

I have just told a freind, she did not care at all. Im so glad, I was shitting myself waiting for the text back thinking what have I just done, but Im glad I did it now, I feel ten times better!

 

[tallguy297]

Thats great news mate... a friend you can confide in somehow makes the whole thing seem a lot less intimidating. And I'm guessing her reactions helping you realise that hopefully this thing might not be so bad after all...

Take your time with it jaybouy, but you're on your way to taking control of your life, and living it on your terms and not in fear. Thats something to feel pretty proud of mate... congrats!

 

[joeG23]

Well done, it's a first and important step. You have shown real courage, take heart from that. You need to sort your life out. Remember, it's easier to do it in small chunks, and try not to get things confused. One of the biggest challenges everyone faces is making the transition from a child within a family to an adult who is in charge of his own life. This would be difficult to do regardless of your sexuality. You need to begin to make your own space, to get your own life started independent of home. Your parents will have hopes and expectations of you, and you should respect them, but you also have to live your own life, not their's. Christianity is important to them. Is it to you? If it is, there's no conflict between having faith in a loving god and being gay. We were each of us made in the image of god, we're told. If you believe in him, he made you what you are. There are many Christians who are gay.

In relation to your sexuality, there are many people in your shoes. If you are at uni, there will be a club for gays and lesbians, join it. There is bound to be a gay helpline you can call, they'll be able to help you find groups where you can meet other young people who, like you, are coming to terms with their sexuality.

Your values should determine how you deal with the physical side of your sexuality. You don't have to jump into bed with every guy you meet - you probably shouldn't anyway. But sex is there to be enjoyed, it is part of what makes you human.

You are a lucky guy - you have a friend you can trust, and you are self-aware. Don't let your fears destroy your life. Use the courage you have to forge the life you want for yourself.

 

[Seasoned]

It gets better and easier. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Self acceptance can be difficult and that is why to reach out to people like your friend. If that's not enough some counseling, or a support group is in order. BTW, sometimes you have to shop around for a good therapist.

 

[SFMusic]

Jaybouy, unfortunately for you as a gay man, you were not taught by your parents how to negotiate adult relationships with other gay men. It is something that we all must do on our own, usually without any guidance from anyone else.

These forums are a good source of information, but ultimately you are the person in control of your life who will make the decisions that will affect you forever. Just remember that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. There will be times that you will feel pressure to do something that you may not want to do. Always listen to your inner voice because You always know best what you should do for you.

 

[spencer]

being gay may put you in awkward situations in different work settings, but certainly it should not affect school. You can be as forthcoming or not as you want. They're completely unrelated. You'll get there, learning to accept yourself is a part of getting older and wiser

 

[bearfan]

Camping, hiking and rock climbing are all pretty gay tbh.

 

[sdmister4]

Camping, hiking and rock climbing are all pretty gay tbh.

now that you mention it yeah they are

dont worry about hating being gay, i think its a stage we just go through at some point, i'm still there too.

i think you'll find things get easier with the more people you tell because most people you pick out as your friends are people you relate to so on some unconscious level you knew someday you would have to tell them and they would have to be ok with you being gay. not saying thats surefire go tell everyone, but hopefully if they're your real friends they wont take it too badly. -->i have no real evidence to back any of that up but it makes sense to me.

and the more you tell the faster it will go and the less you will be bothered by it yourself

as for telling the parents, now thats just something frightening that we can both put off for another day lol

 

[yourally]

I think you need to calm down and not rush. No offense, but when I think of the UK, I think about tolerance.

Either way, you're YOUNG, so don't think your sexuality won't change. I'm starting to get semi's thinking about girls, (they only last 5 secs, but it's a start, from NEVER), so don't count yourself out yet.

And I think you should stay closeted for now. And you don't really sound like you'd be cool with another guy in a relationship.

You WANT to be attracted to women, so WHY deny yourself that?

Are you a virgin?

Either way, calm down and just realize that God already knows you get turned on by dudes and hasn't killed you, so it isn't that serious, is it?

Who knows? What if it turned out being gay was natural?

Anyway, just chill and if you need to talk, pm me.