How do you handle male friendships?

[BiBlackMan]

I ask this question because frankly it seems like my feelings and view are so different from others. I have a best friend that lives in California and I live in the Midwest. Both of us have said and acknowledged that we're best friends. We've known each other for nearly 14 years and used to spend a great deal of time together because we were in the same business. We used to either talk, text or email daily no matter what else was going on.

We're both married and he has a 3-year daughter. For the last year he has basically been out of touch and very infrequently replies to my texts, calls or emails. He never initiates contact and I rarely hear back when I do. This really bothers me because I miss my friend terribly and value his friendship. At best it feels like I'm being taken for granted. At worst I feel like I'm no longer important to him. He has said in his defense that it's the hectic treadmill of life with work, wife, kid, etc.. I don't have a kid, but my life can be just as busy yet I manage to find the 30-seconds it takes to send a quick email or text, if only just to say "hi, how are you doing?" For the past year he has blamed the "treadmill," but almost everyday I see FB posts by his wife with pictures of them at events or whatever. Clearly, she has the time to stay in touch with her friends.

How can someone be your best friend if they don't make the effort and take the time to actively participate in the friendship? Is it just my own world view and this is the way life and friendships is supposed to be? Am I making too much of this? Maybe I should cultivate closer male friends in my own town and try to leave this friendship behind.

Please, no flames - this is a serious, emotional issue for me.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, the truth is people drift apart. Out of sight, out of mind. It's sad, but it's natural. And people also have different capacity for digital communication. Also, different things alter people differently. It is possible that there is no problem at all, that he just really can't manage long-distance communication. It is also possible you started giving off angry obsessive vibes and that made him pull away. It is an easy trap to fall into, and we often aren't aware of how much we push people away with our guilt-tripping attitude. I don't know if you did that, but it's worth thinking about.

 

[Callum]

I've had a similar issue, but I've found in my male friendships we tend to bond over doing activities together. Whether it's renovating, playing video games, complaining about women lol, I don't think we would have strong friendships if we didn't actually DO something.

Visit him, perhaps?

 

[BiBlackMan]

It is also possible you started giving off angry obsessive vibes and that made him pull away. It is an easy trap to fall into, and we often aren't aware of how much we push people away with our guilt-tripping attitude. I don't know if you did that, but it's worth thinking about.

You make a really good point and it could be a part of the mix. Maybe in an attempt to tell him how I feel he began to feel "put upon" or that I was obsessing. But, how else can you conduct a friendship if you can't express true feelings, and tell the other person that you'd like more interaction - caring for the friendship?

I've had a similar issue, but I've found in my male friendships we tend to bond over doing activities together. Whether it's renovating, playing video games, complaining about women lol, I don't think we would have strong friendships if we didn't actually DO something.

Visit him, perhaps?

As best friends we were always closest and had more fun when we spent so much time together on various trips for our jobs. In January of this year I talked to him about me flying to L.A. in March so we could spend a few days hanging out. He said it was a great idea and we left it that my schedule was wide open, and we'd decide on dates based on his schedule. He agreed but never got back to me or mentioned the possible trip again. I feel like I've been doing everything to keep the friendship active and going the extra mile, but I don't understand why he won't at least meet me half way.

I would love to see him again.

 

[bullwing413]

The only excuse that would be tolerable was if his wife was putting pressure on him to cool his relationship with you. This may be a factor that he's not telling you as it would be a very embarassing and "unmanly" thing to do -but it happens all the time. Perhaps she felt threatened. Of course this is only a possibility but it is the one possibility that seems to be tolerable. Otherwise, you need to re-look at the friendship, perhaps it was not as you thought. The fact that you're bi may also be playing a role here. Does he know? If so what does he think about it? If you haven't told him, could he have picked up a vibe? Would he be frightened by it? I get the idea that you "love" him from your posts -and that's cool and the way it should be with close friends, but are you really "in love" with him and is that something he's feeling and running from. It what's not said here that may be the problem -I'm just asking. In either case, you deserve to have reciprocity in your friendships and should find someone who can deliver. I think it's sad when str8 guys or bi guys have to rely on their wives to be their best friends. I hear it all the time. I'm gay and partnered to the best man in the universe but I still have a best friend and a few other male friends that I would take a bullet for -all str8- and they would do likewise. I also agree that you need to spend quality time with them to keep it fresh and real.

Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

Try not to take it personally. I have a lot of friends that live great distances, even on other continents! Whenever and however we reconnect it seems as if no time has passed. I think your friend is busy with his day to day life. You haven't lost track which is good. And, yes, it's time to cultivate some new friends who live nearby. Good luck with that.

 

[chrisw87]

Long distance is an exception to many rules due to complications, however this is my experience (your mileage may vary).

I have never really had a "close" male friend. I've had best friends, however we never shared personal/emotional stuff, I relied on female friends for that (they were more open).

Recently though I've had a great friend through work. He is a Lebanese muslim guy, and I am christian and caucasian, you might not think that is relevant but in Sydney it is. Despite being a vastly multicultural city, there is great racism and tension between Lebanese Australians and white Australians.

I don't hold race or religion as a cornerstone to anything in life, so when we first met it was just on personality and getting to know each other. We got to know each other and had common interests, and just became good friends from there, he appreciated the fact that I didn't make a fuss about his background and I was the same.

These days we are good mates, we are involved in each others lives, and look out for each other. We share personal things and help each other out even if it means putting ourselves at a detriment to help the other, this is what I feel true friendship should be regardless of gender (if you are in the same locale that is).

Going back to your original question, I feel that when I quit this job we will probably drift apart as we are not seeing each other daily and I may be in another part of the Country. I will try to remedy that but it has happened many times in the past. I have become distant from all of my close friends in school as well.

Unfortunately these things happen and especially with long distance relationships.

Don't take it personally, it is something that is almost certain to happen at some point in your life.

 

[bananagoof]

my life can be just as busy yet I manage to find the 30-seconds it takes to send a quick email or text

Thank you! People are so careless these days. We have a variety of different ways to keep in touch (twitter, facebook, texting, emails AND calling AND snail mailing!) yet the same old excuses still apply. "Sorry, I was busy." That is so utterly lame.

I think it's sad that your friend has drifted apart from you. You've clearly tried to keep it from happening, but for now I think it's best to just write off the friendship for the time being. Yes, it sucks. But I know what it's like to keep thinking about someone as close to you (as a friend) when they're clearly not thinking the same way. Find a new friend who won't ditch their buddies just because they have a job or wife or kid. Find someone who values friendship. Right now, he isn't doing it.

Doesn't mean he's trying to hurt you though, or intentionally being a douche. He's probably just focused elsewhere. Do the same, for your own sake.