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How do you help someone come out

C

Caeth

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So I'm 98% sure that my best friend's roommate is gay but is waaaayyyy in the closet. He hasn't told me that he is...that's why there will always be some doubt, but I've hung around enough to tell. The eye contact is the most revealing...I'm fully out so I don't care...but his eyes will eye-fuck me while talking about a girl he wants to take out lol.

From what my friend tells me, he doesn't hook up with girls. He's very friendly with a lot of hot girls, is hot himself, but has only had sex once and always gets uncomfortable when anything intimate happens with a girl.

Unfortunately, he doesn't know/want to admit it. But at 22 he's gotta know a fair amount. He's in a fraternity that really doesn't accept gays so I'm not suprised that he has to keep up this facade. My friend also suspects he's gay.

Now I know everyone has their own pace to coming out...and that's fine. In general though we're all happier once we're out. Anyone have some suggestions to things I could do to make him a bit more comfortable with being gay? I know that when I was "straight" hanging around a few gay people and seeing how happy and normal they were really helped me come out. I'll try to do that with him without being too obvious...just dunno if there are other things I could do.

Oh and if anything juicy ever happens I'll be sure to mention it =D
 
Just let the guy know that if there is ever anything he wants to talk, you are there for him and will keep it confidential (unless you are the type that has problems keeping secrets). Invite the guy to hang out with you and your friend (his roommate). Find an excuse to invite him to hang out when his roommate isn't available. Basically befriend the guy, but don't push. Definitely don't ask him if he's gay or hint that you think he's gay.
 
I have to agree with the above posters. "Coming out" is a very personal decision. No offense intended but whether or not you think that person would be happier if he came out is not your decision to make. It is his decision. None of us can "help" anyone come out. That is something they have to decide for themselves and what is best for them at this particular time. I've had a number of people ask me about coming out and I am happy to share my own experience with them. However, I never "help" them come out. They have to do that on their own, without any influence. Give him time. He will come out when he is ready. Just continue to be a good friend.
 
No suggestions to offer ...

Why are you so invested in his coming out? Like everyone said, this is something personal and something he should be doing in his own time and it's not your place to speed it along. You need to leave him be.

It also sounds as if you have a personal stake in this process by your statement:

Oh and if anything juicy ever happens I'll be sure to mention it =D
Click to expand...

So, if you had no remote interest perhaps you could not care less if he came out or not? [-X
 
If he knows you're gay, and you knows you don't mind talking about "gay stuff", you've done all you can. Leave him alone.

Lex
 
What Everyone Else Has Said, Emphatically!!!!!!
 
i'm not *so* invested, it was just a thought I had. the point of me getting some action....yeah it would be nice...but it's not like i need to resort to that =). he's cute but he's not THAT cute heh.

i think it's interesting that it is generally encouraged here to come out and that coming out is considered a very good thing, but everyone still suggests to just leave him alone totally. i'm not going to *force* him to come out heh- that's impossible...but that's the idea that people have.

the point is- i believe that any person who's gay will be happier if he can admit to himself that he's gay and accept it....doesn't matter if he tells others. if i hung around, tried to become friends with him, and that eventually led him to becoming comfortable enough to come out- that would be intervention on my part...something everyone is being vehement against. on the other hand, i can just say fuck it and totally forget about him.

sometimes people need a little encouragement =) i definately could've used some.
 
Like everyone is saying and

I think you should put yourself in his shoes... Dunno, I don't have wisdom really, but just htinking about putting myself in that situation :-) just my 2 cents
 
>>>i think it's interesting that it is generally encouraged here to come out and that coming out is considered a very good thing, but everyone still suggests to just leave him alone totally.

Apples and oranges, man.

If someone came up to me and said, "I'd like to come out, but I'm scared to," I'd do my best to encourage that person to become more comfortable with himself, learn to accept his homosexuality, and then make the move to come out.

But that's not what's happening. There's some empirical evidence that this guy MAY be gay. That's it. He still might not be. And even if he is, he obviously isn't comfortable with the idea at all yet. He'll have to feel more at ease with himself before anyone can help him.

Lex
 
[-X Alright Guys

I've just finished removing several inappropriate posts. Keep in mind this is a no-flame zone intended for serious discussion

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread

Thank you
 
I'd still say leave him alone, I'm also somewhat deep in the closet, but I think I'm several steps closer than where I was when I joined JUB. In my opinion, leave him be, if you want him as a friend, just hang out with him w/o pressuring any subjects regarding the gay life style, or else this might not turn out so well. Good luck :wave:

P.S. I hope you respect my post as a JUBber despite my age
 
If you really want to help him, just be a friend to him, and once he feels comfortable and knows he can trust you it'll come out naturally. In the end, though, he has to take the first step, and no amount of prodding on your part can change that.
 
I agree with everything above. I had a couple of friends who wanted to help me come out earlier but until I was clear about who I was, I was angry about those trying to help me. You have good intentions, but you gotta wait
 
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