How do you know he's the one?

[redips]

Sorry if this question seems trite. But I'd love to hear your opinion and experience about this, especially those of you who are lucky enough to have found "the one" guy.

How did you know that he's "the one"?

You see, I used to (and perhaps I still do) have a very naive and ideal belief in love. I believed that there's someone out there for everyone. I believed in love at first sight. I believed you would know he's "the one" if you didn't have to ask this very question. Because you would just know.

I don't know what to think any more. Perhaps it's because of my own frustrations with dating (though I must admit I haven't really dated too many people). Perhaps it's me being impatient. Perhaps I'm just at that age where I really want my next relationship to last, and be the last.

And I don't think I have unreasonable expectations. I don't expect someone to be perfect. In fact, I'm quite tolerant, I can put up with many things, and I'm very willing to work things out.

But with the guys I dated, it always feels like something's missing, and I can't say what. I didn't feel the infatuation. I didn't think about them day and night. My heart didn't skip a beat at the mention of their name. Are these things not necessary?

 

[M4P]

You've asked a question that just can't be answered

To those who have experienced it - no explanation is necessary
To those who haven't - none is possible

All I can say is you'll just know when it's right

 

[Homoerectus]

You never know. You are dealing with the faults and foibles of human beings. You are dealing with men who are promiscuous by nature's design. When you find the right guy for you, be sure YOU don't screw it up and pray that he doesn't.

 

[G-Lexington]

Two big horrible secrets that some people - specifically writers of Hollywood romantic comedies - don't want you to know.

1. There IS no "one".

People don't like this too much. One of the things that keeps us going is that somewhere out there (beneath the pale moonlight) there's another guy. One who looks precisely like the guy in our hottest masturbatory fantasies, who wants nothing more than to be at the stove when you get home from work, beautiful bare butt cheeks protruding from beneath the apron straps, smiling over his shoulder and saying, "Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes. What should we do in the meantime?"

...sorry, wandered off for a minute there.

The thing is this. I believe if we could sort through all the gay men in the world, and foresee how a relationship between each of them and you would play out, we could find a set of them. A set of guys with whom you could have a wonderful, long-lasting, perhaps lifelong relationship. The relationships wouldn't all be identical, and perhaps some would be even more wonderful than others. But any of them would be wonderful, satisfying relationships.

You're not looking for the "one" so much as "someone in that set".

That just begs the question, of course. How do you know if he's in that set? Time for horrible secret number two.

2. There are absolutely no signs to let you know that "he's the one".

He might make you shiver, he might make you weak in the kness, you might not be able to stop thinking about him. That might all just be signs of the flu with a mild dementia. And even if it's all because you ARE in love with him, that's no guaranteed that HE's in love with YOU. And even if all that happens, it's STILL not a definite sign.

I've only had two boyfriends in my entire life. For one, I sat on the floor of a hot shower, crying, wondering what was wrong with me because these feelings were so intense. That was my ex. We were incompatible, so we had to end it. Never cried on the floor of the shower for my decade-long partner, but then again, I don't think I have to.

By the way, this isn't to say that "love at first sight" doesn't happen. It does. But it's not that common, and it's certainly not the only way love occurs. If you walk around waiting to get gobsmacked by love, you'll probably walk by several of the guys in your "set".

So what to do? Give it time. Meet guys. Date guys. If you want, sleep with guys. Sort them out. Look for guys you're compatible with. Ones who you feel comfortable with. One of my straight friends had a great line. "I'm not looking for the perfect girl. I'm looking for one whose baggage goes with mine."

If you happen to "fall in love at first sight", hell, go for it. But even if you don't, think - do you like this guy? Do you feel very comfortable around him, and feel compatible with him? Then date him some more. See if something grows.

I think the best and strongest relationships are those that are BUILT. Very few of us magically land into a perfect relationship. We build it, level by level, brick by brick. We blunder forward, make some mistakes, and keep marching it forward. And - yet another horrible secret - it never ends. It always takes work to keep a relationship fresh and strong. But that's what makes them so worthwhile. That's why we're so damn proud of them.

Lex

 

[Spensed]

Unless you're lucky, you need to do the leg work in:

1. Making and/or keeping yourself as sexually attractive as you can; and

2. Putting yourself in situations where you might meet guys, who are likely to be generally compatible with you and your interests (including the relationship commitment, if that's what you're looking for).

And never confusing 1. (sexual attraction) with 2. (non-sexual compatibility).

If you find someone, who combines both 1. and 2., he's the one (or at least a one).

 

[Eagle653]

For some uncanny reason, every person I've fallen in love with I knew I was going to do that within the first time of meeting them. I guess I have a love-at-first-site radar or something.

I don't know how it is for others--just for myself. When I've known someone was "the one" they literally took my breath away and I couldn't think about anyone else. They were my last thought at night and my first thought in the morning. They kept creeping into my mind any time it was idle. I could feel my heart speed up and eyes light up anytime I saw them, or came into their presence. It always started as a "crush" in every sense of the word.

Others tell me that they're more balanced and deliberate and that their love grew out of a casual acquaintance or friendship, but started very benignly.

I guess people are different. For me, there's an immediate spark; for others, it grows. Go figure.

 

[landers]

2. There are absolutely no signs to let you know that "he's the one".

There are no giant billboards that say "he's the one, stupid" but there are signs. After all something has to tell you he's the one, but they're different for everybody. Some people might know when they get weak in the knees, others when they can't stop thinking about that person. And obviously a relationship with "the one" won't just magically happen, it still needs a lot of work. Realizing he's the one just means you're willing to put the time and effort into the relationship.

 

[MrCreative]

You'll know hes the one if he puts as much effort into getting to know you as you do him, and if you connect on several different levels..like..both of you being out and proud of it. It makes you both more compatible.

 

[redips]

So from what I'm hearing, it sounds like a meaningful relationship may not necessarily be preceded by a stage of infatuation. If so, I think my question is answered.

It just seems odd, somewhat unfair, and almost wrong, that I can be totally infatuated with guys who I'm not compatible with, yet if the right guy comes along, I don't even get to experience that infatuation with him?

Thanks again boys. You guys are the best =)

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>It just seems odd, somewhat unfair, and almost wrong, that I can be totally infatuated with guys who I'm not compatible with, yet if the right guy comes along, I don't even get to experience that infatuation with him?

It's POSSIBLE this might happen, but not necessarily definite. For instance, my partner and I met online. We knew each other via online messages and phone calls (this was pre-webcam) before we ever met in person. As such, there wasn't really what you might call an "infatuation" stage. We knew what each other looked like - we sent photos (again, before the days when "online photos" were the norm), but when we finally met, my heart didn't start racing or anything.

But perhaps that's for the best. Twelve years ago, if you asked me what my "type" was, I'd say tall, dark, long dark hair, clean shaven, modest muscular build. My partner is short, round, German, bald and bearded.

Lex

 

[Spensed]

So from what I'm hearing, it sounds like a meaningful relationship may not necessarily be preceded by a stage of infatuation.

I think there has to be some level of mutual sexual attraction that's acted on reasonably quickly.

Without that foundation, the relationship might still work as a social partnership, but, to say the obvious, sexually, it's not likely to be as strong as with it.

However, sexual attraction does work differently for different people. Some folk, for whatever reasons, are only really sexually turned on by bad guys, who are kinda dangerous and unpredictable, but they have nothing else in common with them. Same thing for those, who are only sexually into much younger men they really don't have anything in common with. So you do have set ups where the guy relies on his network of friends for emotional support, shared interests, etc. while finding his sexual outlet somewhere else whether that's with the inappropriate or younger lover or whatever.

Easier said than done, but you have to try to work with the cards you're dealt with and what works for you.

Lastly, don't forget that being single isn't the end of the world. It has many benefits that you'll appreciate more if you do find the one. Good luck.