How do you know when to end a relationship?

[bostonboy20]

I've been in my relationship for almost 4 years now...we have a great relationship for the most part. Our problems come from just living together issues (That i'm sure everyone has...cleanliness, responsibilities, alone time etc) and sexual problems. Our sex life has never been mind blowing. We are both attracted to each other but we've never had a mind blowing sexual relationship. It's always been the basis of our "talks". I feel like right before we met I was just becoming comfortable in my sexuality. I had always been horny and sexual but more so online and didn't have much real life experiences. So to go from just starting that to being in a monogamous relationship that isn't full of sex is starting to weigh on me. I should add that this is my first relationship and his 2nd long term relationship (he's 27 and I'm 37).

I've always been someone who says cheating is horrible and I don't understand it. If you're not happy just leave the relationship blah blah blah. In the last couple of months I've formed a bit of a crush on a friend's friend. I've drunkenly taken things over the line with this guy twice now (not sex just a kiss and some consensual groping at a bar) and I feel horrible about it. But am I really going to blow my relationship up over this guy who I barely know and probably don't even really like that much sober? No. Which puts me in a hypocritical spiral. Because it's not that I'm not happy...but maybe deep down it was because I'm not happy with all aspects.

I'm also someone who knows that you don't have to spend the rest of your life with one person. You can have multiple long term, great relationships that make you a better person for future relationships. But when do you know the expiration date for a good relationship? I don't want either of us to have resentment for each other at the end of this. But I'm also like, do I want to give this person up? He's such a big part of my life.

I'm just rambling now...but any insight from y'all would be appreciated.

 

[MusicMan321]

It sounds like that you two like being with each other and but have a few things that need to change. You could go and talk to a couple therapist and see what they have to say or you can try to talk to each other about this

 

[KaraBulut]

I've been in my relationship for almost 4 years now...we have a great relationship for the most part. Our problems come from just living together issues (That i'm sure everyone has...cleanliness, responsibilities, alone time etc) and sexual problems.

When I read through relationship threads, I always look for some indication about why a couple got together and why they're still together.

You've been together for 4 years. What made you decide, "He's the one that I want to be with"? What made you decide to move in together and stay together for 4 years?

Our sex life has never been mind blowing. We are both attracted to each other but we've never had a mind blowing sexual relationship. It's always been the basis of our "talks". I feel like right before we met I was just becoming comfortable in my sexuality. I had always been horny and sexual but more so online and didn't have much real life experiences. So to go from just starting that to being in a monogamous relationship that isn't full of sex is starting to weigh on me. I should add that this is my first relationship and his 2nd long term relationship (he's 27 and I'm 37).

Most sex isn't mind-blowing. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't.

What specifically is missing from sex you have with your partner and what makes you think you might find it with another person?

I've always been someone who says cheating is horrible and I don't understand it. If you're not happy just leave the relationship blah blah blah. In the last couple of months I've formed a bit of a crush on a friend's friend. I've drunkenly taken things over the line with this guy twice now (not sex just a kiss and some consensual groping at a bar) and I feel horrible about it. But am I really going to blow my relationship up over this guy who I barely know and probably don't even really like that much sober? No. Which puts me in a hypocritical spiral. Because it's not that I'm not happy...but maybe deep down it was because I'm not happy with all aspects.

It's only "cheating" if your partner hasn't consented.

It's a Pandora's box to open, especially if you're already attracted to someone else, but you can be happy in a relationship and have a certain degree of openness- if that is what you both agree to.

I'm also someone who knows that you don't have to spend the rest of your life with one person. You can have multiple long term, great relationships that make you a better person for future relationships. But when do you know the expiration date for a good relationship? I don't want either of us to have resentment for each other at the end of this. But I'm also like, do I want to give this person up? He's such a big part of my life.

Those of us who have been in relationships will tell you that relationships are work. Some days they feel like a lot of work. Some days days they seem to be natural and easy. Where it gets complicated is trying to figure out whether you're in a relationship with the love of your life or in a relationship with your best friend... or, if you're lucky, both.

Before you get much further into this, the questions that you need to consider are the ones I started with - "What brought you together?", "What has kept you together?"... once you figure out what you have, it will be easier to decide whether you want to risk that for something that might be better.

 

[TX-Beau]

When you are groping and macking on a guy in a bar you don't really like, that's a red flag.

Sometimes the grass is only greener over the fence because we're done with where we're standing, and won't move along.

Some relationships end with an explosion, some just fizzle out. A better question is this, if you stay, is resentment going to build over what you aren't getting - because that is what leads to the explosions, and the cheating.

 

[cabinfever]

Communication is the ticket out of your situation - the most important being the communication you have with yourself but also with your partner. Honesty is also essential and again - being honest with yourself is often harder than being honest with someone else.

Self awareness is your friend and if you strive for that you will find alot of surprises and perhaps even the answers you are looking for.

On the flip side - self deception is NOT your friend and from my own journey and others I have observed - it is often the catalyst for mistakes and regrets. The crush thing - I would advise removing yourself from the situation. I would also advise against pursuing the crush situation - I could explain why but it is a long explanation and you kinda are already there if you realize you might not like him in a sober situation.

 

[DarkHelios]

I don't want either of us to have resentment for each other at the end of this.

That's an unrealistic expectation. Ending a relationship will usually hurt someone, but that's not a reason to stay in one if it isn't working for you.
Th

 

[bostonboy20]

Thanks everyone. I know communication is the way forward with this. Breaching these topics is just so tough. I get in my head a lot and tend to hold a lot in. I'm good at giving advice but suck at taking my own advice haha

 

[ShadowCat]

If you want to have better sex you need communication! Talk things out try new things together if you stay in one position switch it up! If he's giving it if he's dom all the time switch it tie him up ride him instead or vice versa! Dirty talk can help, toys, sensual massage, tantra, Experiment with bondage, watersports role playing and scenarios! "catch" each other watching porn and give "punishment" On the relationship side of things again it is communication that is key! Compromise on things maybe a reward system he does something you asked suck him off! You do something he asked you get a little hummer which can turn into a hot romp! It seems like you are still invested, my advice is TALK IT OUT!!! EVERY relationship has ups and downs even periods of ups and downs! Is silly shit worth breaking up over? If neither of you can give and take it'll never work, but you wil! never know if you don't try!

 

[mcbrion]

Do you respect him? If you do, then tell him the truth about how you're feeling. A lack of respect will kill a relationship eventually.

Communication doesn't necessarily mean "honesty." And a relationship without honesty lacks...authenticity. At least, Socrates thought so.

 

[Briacon429]

I agree with what everybody has said about you working on the relationship, especially the need to be open and honest. And I hope that does fix that ails you!

If you still aren’t sure about this, I’d recommend asking yourself a simple question. Do you get more joy out of the relationship than you do stress? If so, it’s worth it. If not, it’s time to go.

That’s the question I always ask myself. The answer isn’t always a simple one, but it does help me see the proverbial forest for the trees! (Btw, I apply this in almost every kind of relationship: romantic, platonic, even business.)

 

[USEDCAR]

Sounds like you are kinda bored with your relationship and you want some fun sex. You either need to talk to him or start the breakup process.

 

[darian]

It sounds like you went for comfort, stability and safety when you came out instead of sowing your wild oats, seeing what the market had to offer and experiencing a little variety before settling down with what you liked the most. It's perfectly understandable grasping the first bit of security that came along versus the unpredictability of what is out there, but there are consequences, such as eventually wondering what you might have missed including the possibility of mind-blowing sex with someone you are more into. Now there is the added fear of giving up what you know for a potential unknown and perhaps not being able to come back.

It would help if you can work out if there is something specifically you haven't been able to experience versus a generalised regret over sampling variety (you can't know what you are missing if you haven't experienced more widely the possibilities out there). If there is something specific, you could talk with your partner about your feelings and whether he is willing to experiment, or more generally explore the possibility of opening up the relationship to external experiences. It's certainly a risk you could jeopardise what you have, but you have to work out for yourself if the risk is worth the potential of other experiences.

I'm in a similar situation, except my "relationship" lasted for 20 years before I deliberately broke the stalemate and it was more a friends with benefits type relationship than a live-in, and the age situation was reversed, however I'm now too infirm with age to pursue anything else anyway. In the middle years I was allowed to explore other possibilities as my partner knew the relationship wasn't exactly what I wanted, but after a few experiments it was obvious other men were not going to offer much more than I already had, plus it was anxiety provoking trying something different each time and with no guarantee of stability; and I found I didn't like these new men any more than my existing friend. Eventually I just stopped looking elsewhere as the stresses of someone new eventually outweighed the comfort and stability of what I already had, even if it was not perfect. But that's me, I'm a naturally anxious person, risk averse. I think I like the idea of friends with benefits as the live-in situation is just too overwhelming, but I would have liked the option to have sex more often.

The other thing you need to ask yourself is whether your partner might also be feeling similarly and perhaps experimenting with other men might be a good thing for both of you. I guess there is always the possibility we might meet someone we are more compatible with.

As others have suggested, communication (particularly with oneself and what one is missing) is the key, plus working towards a win-win outcome.