How do you repair a ruined friendship?

[Gymhunter]

Very, very long story....I am friends with a guy who swears he is straight. Everyone gets a gay vibe from him. (I think he protests too much). About 14 months ago, I met him and I was instantly attracted to him. He was a client who came into my office. We literally hit it off within the first 5 mins. After our meeting he invited me out to dinner after knowing him for about 2 hours. He mentioned that he was engaged a few years ago, but broke it off. He also lived in the same building where I live. Well within a day of moving in he was calling me asking me to do stuff, go places, hang out etc. He started hanging out with my friends and all of my friends thought we were a couple...and they still do.

Over the course of a year, I found out that he has some problems, is bipolar and a recovering alcoholic. We would do things on a daily basis, talk, go for dinner and just generally hand out ALOT! He told me that I am one of the closest people in his life and said I am his soulmate. Remember...he is still straight?? In the year I knew him he only went on and hooked up with one woman on a date.

Again, we became more intimate, emotionally. One day, he complains that his back is bothering him and he asks me to give him a massage. He takes his shirt off and starts having me rub his back, touch his chest, etc.. This happened about 4 times. As time progressed, I started to have feelings, deep feelings for him.

Finally I had the nerve to tell him I think I am in love w/him. He wasn't freeked out and said he was hit on by a lot of guys and he was flattered, but he is straight and I will can be is friends. A couple of months later he moved out, but invited me to his place. He was a little down and started to cry and I began to hug him and hold him, which he was receptive too. I told him what a great person he is and why...his response no one ever told him that before...not even his fiance...who he claims he is not over...

I stayed in touch and he said that he needs his space to sort out things and to sort out his mind. A couple of weeks ago, I called him and he totally blew me off ending with I'll call you when I call you/see you when I see you. I was crushed. I waited a week and called him again and he was pissed...he said that he can't trust me not to call him and "reminded me he was straight." I said I don't care, I would be happy just to have you as a friend and he says he doesn't know if he can trust that.

I haven't seen him in 3 weeks or spoke to him. I called his brother who I am friends with to see how he is doing because I was concerned. He mentioned that he thought about killing himself. He outreached to a very close friend of mine and said that I should back off...give him space...he is straight...and stop calling his family and that he would call me when he is ready. My friend is now in the middle of this mediating it. I am crushed. I don't know if our frienship will ever be the same or I fucked it up beyond repair. I apologized for anything I said/did to make him feel uncomfortable and suggested we talk face to face. No answer. I don't want to through it all away, miss him and still think I have feelings for him...What to do? He said he still wants me in his life, but certainly isn't showing it. Any chance for friendship or even more...I don't know if it is worth it at this point, but I feel emotionally and mentally connected to him more so than anyone I actually slept with...

 

[Lucas07]

Maybe he's confused about himself or something.. you never know. But I mean, All things were pretty good, he accepts you, and is cool with everything then all of a sudden he decides to back off and keeps reminding you he's "straight"? I think there's something wrong with him. Not you. You were honest, he was okay with it, you even clarified that you want him for a friend. I guess It's his loss.

 

[M4P]

This one is going to take some time. Your friend is obviously dealing with some serious issues and possibly just needs some space. I'd find a way to let him know you are there for him when he needs you and then let him be. I'm sure he'll contact you when he's ready

What a sad story

 

[Danugh]

There is nothing you can really do. Once its over, its over.

Yes you might see other years late and be polite and say hello. But things will never be the same again.

Friends are the family you choose.

 

[bluedragon4]

There really is nothing you can do. The ball is in his court. You wanna see him and talk to him so much cause you have feeling for him. But he has told you very clearly to leave him be. You are not respecting that by calling his family and still calling him. You may be making his depression worse.

 

[star-warrior]

He wants space, and it seems the only thing to do now is give him the space. Maybe all this uncertainty is jerking your life around, take a couple of step back, and get on with life as best as you can. He has your number, and knows where you live. When he's got him mind unclogged, he'll probably call you. If not, you can't put your life on hold for him.

 

[kurtwild]

i dont know mate. your friend has big problems.he is scared of what he wants.
i lost my best friend too.he said he wants us to be friends but does nothing so we can be friends.
its quite sceary how people can change.
maybe you should try to get him back by being persistant but maybe you ll have no results,like me.dont waist your life for him.

 

[RicanDAB]

There is nothing worse that having someone suffocate you especially after making it clear that you want to be left alone. He already knows how much you care - through all the calling you have done - and he'll admire you more for respecting his need for space from this point on. He needs to think and figure things out on his own. If he comes to terms with things and contacts you again, then this is worth pursuing further as however you feel most comfortable - friend or more.

But as much as you are concerned for his well-being, leave it alone and let him make the next call. You will only drive him away further if you keep pursuing communication on your terms. You cannot push something to go your way that needs to resolve beyond your control.

 

[nakedboy]

Move on ! This "relationship" was a mistake. Don't continue to hurt yourself. Your friend has asked you to leave him alone. Worst thing you can do his contact his family and friends.

 

[trawler69]

As the others have said, respect his wanting space. I know it will be difficult for you as you obviously care for him, but for any hope of future friendship you have to let him deal with his issues as he wants to. As long as he knows you are still there for him there is hope. It probably wouldn't hurt to message him and let him know that you will respect his wishes, appologise for contacting his family and are leaving the ball in his court.

I'm sorry I can't be more positive than that. When you need space it is difficult to respond nicely when those you request it from don't give it to you. Believe me I've been there!

 

[RicanDAB]

It probably wouldn't hurt to message him and let him know that you will respect his wishes, appologise for contacting his family and are leaving the ball in his court.

I think it might hurt, despite how small this form of contact may be -- IMHO, Gymhunter would probably fare better leaving well enough alone at this point, considering how much he has tried to get in touch with his friend to express concern. The message suggested could be seen as "relentless" and the message might just be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

[Jeimuzu]

Being given space has never helped me through my problems.

I'd be concerned, personally - I think he's trying to make some decisions, and I can guess what they are from his responses - it's certainly to do with his sexuality. Problem is, if he tries to sit and think it out, he won't get anything done because you need other people's input.

Something has come up. People only get like this when something has them worried...
Whether it's another person saying something which has him worried, or whether it's him battling with his feelings for someone. It could be you, and that would explain the trauma he's having. He'd be feeling torn. Equally problematic is if he's fallen for a guy who isn't you, because that would be awkward, or is simply realising the possibility of being gay which could scare him, especially with how he appears to say he isn't so often.

(I know he says he isn't and that all my theories despite this, work on the premise of him being gay, but your sexuality is coming up in this problem, it appears, and some people deal with it oddly. If I'm wrong... well, I'm working with one piece of evidence here)

Try and work out what the problem is, and frankly a friend has no right to act like this without explanations. I don't think you should ditch him, I just think he's being unreasonable. I mean, surely he must realise the position he's putting you in. He has you for comfort, and without realising it, is acting like a martyr. He's acting like he's working in your benefit by not putting you through his emotional problems.

If it takes you shouting at him, so be it. If you phone him at any point, don't be softly spoken, and don't just try to placate him when he gets annoyed. Get annoyed back. Just tell him that he's putting you through a lot of shit, and that it feels like he's trying to break the friendship. Also, that if he's not, he'd better start talking to you because this isn't fair. You're left worried about him...

I'd say talk to his brother again. Make sure your friend doesn't do anything stupid, and don't ask his brother to tell you any secrets that he's said. I wouldn't care about the 'give me space', that doesn't extend to his family.

Also, with the suicidal thing... well, now that's the thing that would have me annoyed. I'm instantly disgusted with anyone who contemplates suicide because of the knock-on effect, and if he thought about the ramifications of his actions on his friends, then he'd be disgusted himself.

There's probably wiser people than me in this thread, so maybe this isn't the best advice. This is what I'd do, simple as that.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Gymhunter,

Mate - "if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you its meant to be" - OK...thats corny I know but I think it fits here....there are times that the biggest thing we can offer the people we love is space. Times to suffer a little hurt and pain ourselves to ensure the wellbeing of others...

My guess is that you've broken through to this guy with your love and honesty. You've touched him, cared for him and valued him....and as a result you've scared the absolute crap out of him. You've woken feelings in him that hes never felt before and shown him affection that hes not received before...and he cant deal right now. As someone who is adamant he is not gay then those feelings would cause the utmost confusion and horror - especially when they come from another man.

Whether or not he is gay is a separate issue...and to be honest doesnt matter right now. You see if he is gay and doesnt want to or cant face it, then its no different to whether or not he's straight - these feelings and emotions are wrong to him. And instead of feeling happiness, love and acceptance from you, he feels fear, guilt and shame. Your actions by default are forcing him to face and deal with things that he has maybe spent a life time denying or that just genuinely feels are wrong. Its not your fault, like the rest of us you see your actions as supportive and loving. He sees them as pressure and right now hurt.

And for the time being until he says otherwise you have to respect the fact that he believes he is straight. To think otherwise makes a fragile situation even more likely to end up ugly. Right now this has to be about him and his state of mind. Your actions are those of caring and support - of a true friend - but he doesnt see it that way at the moment...

You have to be the strong one here Gymhunter. You have to be the one who can distance themselves emotionally from the situation, remove your own feelings - especially of those wanting more than friendship. It'll be a hard thing to do mate...and a brave and courageous one too. To sacrifice your own needs...at least for a while...is a hugely selfless thing to do...but your concern and compassion for your friend tells me that its something you could do. He has obviously reached out to others - his brother and other friends - at least he is not doing this alone. He has told you he wants you in his life. He has told you that he will call you when he is ready. But his state of mind is the hardest thing to predict - if he is in denial then this could take a long long time to resolve. He may never resolve it.

You shouldnt write this guy off...but you should prepare yourself to have distance between you. It'll be hard to offer support without it seeming like pressure so time and patience are about your only options here. But to me you have done what a true friend should do. Offered your care and support, love and respect. Now its up to him. He will come to see that you are prepared to sacrifice some of yourself to respect his wishes - a powerful gift.

You've touched him mate...you've shown him love and compassion. Have faith that no matter what stage of his life he is in that those things have meant something to him, and that he values them. With time I'm sure he will show them to you in return. But for now he needs so time....this could be the hardest time of his life.

 

[bma1983]

Move on ! This "relationship" was a mistake. Don't continue to hurt yourself. Your friend has asked you to leave him alone. Worst thing you can do his contact his family and friends.

Exactly. It may be hard now, but moving on is the answer. Don't waste your time worrying about the situation. Life is too short.

 

[Gymhunter]

Talk about mixed messages: Yesterday, the guy calls one of my oldest friends out of the blue and asks her to go to lunch, hang out etc. She met up with him and they hung out for about three hours. I asked her if they brought me up and she said no. I said didn't she think it was strange that he called you and you know he is distancing himself from me, pushing me away and it's hurting??? Apparently she didn't think of that I thought the whole thing was strange especially since he told my other close friend that he that me contacting his family was out of line and he goes and calls someone who I grew up with and is for all intents and purposes my sister. I thought it could of been a great opportunity to have her try to see what was going on...however, he didn't even ask how I was doing! Nice right? What I thought was a but strange was how he was talking to her about "him being straight" and mentioned a couple of exploits he had with women...God guess he is trying to drive that point home! It seems kinda funny, he is calling everyone, BUT me...

 

[bma1983]

It seems kinda funny, he is calling everyone, BUT me...

And that should tell you something. He seems very immature.

 

[spreadeagle]

You state the problem succinctly in the beginning of your second paragraph and then studiously ignore its significance for the rest of your post - your friend is bipolar and alcoholic. This means that in all likelihood his behaviour is emotionally manipulative and unreliable and that he'll be unable to recognise or articulate what his real needs are. You cannot expect any sort of rational stable relationship with someone who is dis-integrated.

The sicker he is, the needier he'll be and all the more ready to use you and depend on you; the better he is the more likely he'll be to reject and spurn you. It's unfortunate that some people fuck up their lives but that's no reason for you to do the same.

 

[stonegrill]

He really has his problem. He is in denial of what he is. His emphasis of being straight is a delusion but he wants to life that way. He is a man doesn't know who is he and is willing to live a lie to satisfy his image of what is best for him in the society's scrutiny. There is absoluately nothing you can do!

He is just not ready to love and be loved in a homo way!!! There is a long way to go to him. I would really suggest you to find somethings else to do, try to lose any concentration to him.

Goodluck.