How does being closeted effect you in the real world?

[Alpha1851]

What exactly does it mean to be closeted? Does this mean that you just don't tell anyone that you're gay/bi? Will you admit to it if asked, but just will not offer up the information w/o provocation? How far do you go to hide this aspect of yourself?

I'm also curious as to how this plays out into your politics. Do you support LGBT civil rights? Are you a quiet supporter or a loud advocate (and neither is better than the other). Meaning, do you pull the lever for LGBT rights, but publicly you keep quiet about it. Or, do you take on a more active role and debate those who oppose equal rights.

How do you feel about equal rights?

If your buds call someone a faggot or a queer, do you try to correct them? Do you make fun of LGBT people in order to fit in w/ your group?

Do you have any LGBT friends? Will you attend a Pride event if one of them asked you to?

I'm just curious as to how being closeted translates into real world situations. If a straight person can support gay rights, then a closeted person can as well--you don't have to be an out and proud lesbian/gay person to support equality. However, in my community, we can't seem to get them on board. Since we have a few closeted folks on JUB, I thought I'd go for it and ask. How does being closeted effect you in the real world?

 

[Alpha1851]

I'm genuinely curious here. I didn't create this thread to torture the closeted guys. Hey, I'm straight, I don't have to worry about the closet, and I'm not pretending that I do.

 

[cklover]

I don't know if I would call myself closeted. I don't go around telling everyone my sexual preferences, but if anyone ever asks (and so far no one has) I would say that I'm bisexual.

I support equality for all (and this includes white males as well). I often voice my opinion of equality for all.

When someone makes derogatory comments towards gays, lesbians, bisexuals, or transgender people I do not hestitate to correct that person. I don't make fun of anyone to try to fit in with any group. I won't hang around people that are continually making prejudiced remarks or putting down others. It's the way I am and the way I've always been.

I've never been to any gay pride events. That's mainly because I live out in the middle of nowhere and there aren't any events around here. I also don't tend to go to a lot of events for any causes. I don't even go to watch any parades (including Santa Claus parades). If I lived in a city where there were gay pride events I would consider going.

I think that answers all of your questions.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I used to be closeted and it was awful. But I don't think there's any definitive answers to your questions, there are as many varieties of closeted guys as there are of gay guys.

Some are in denial even to themselves, others are comfortable with their sexuality but don't feel like discussing it with every Tom, Dick & Harry (that was me). And everything in between...

 

[jesusfarts]

I'm still a bit closeted about my bisexuality to a lot of people. I usually just won't bring up the fact that I like other guys and focus on my attraction to women (even though I'll admit to liking men more than I like women)...

When someone makes a rude comment about LGBT, I'lkl try to correct them by saying something like "That's not cool" but I won't get into it. I'll just let them know that it's wrong to be hateful towards people in LGBT communities.

I have a few gay friends, a couple lesbian frieds, and a cousin who is transgendered. All except one of them knows I'm bi. The only reason he doesn't know is because I feel like he might go around blabbing about it to people I don't want knowing... if you know what I mean.

Being closeted is difficult and complicated.

 

[Alpha1851]

I think that answers all of your questions.

Yes you did. Thanks!

I used to be closeted and it was awful. But I don't think there's any definitive answers to your questions, there are as many varieties of closeted guys as there are of gay guys.

Some are in denial even to themselves, others are comfortable with their sexuality but don't feel like discussing it with every Tom, Dick & Harry (that was me). And everything in between...

I get that there are no two closeted guys who are exact duplicates of each other, just as there are no two people in this world who are exact duplicates of each other. But how does being closeted effect the rest of your decisions. It's an individual question. If you're not interested in sharing your sexuality w/ every Tom, Dick, and Harry, does that mean you'll rally against gay civil rights when the situation calls for it? I'm just curious as to how sexuality plays out in our everyday decisions. It's a strategic question as well.

 

[ixthrock]

"the closet" to me refers to internal processes. I can't really be arsed to care what other people think about me until I am sure I know what I think about myself. I would observe that critical reflection seems to be very trying for most people.

I suppose very few people would consider me "closeted," but I continue to go through the sort of internal changes that I went through the day I accepted myself as a gay person. When I was ousted by my pseudo-intellectual coterie, I re-embraced and reinvented my white trash florida cowboy heritage.

The Closet affects, for example, the way I interact with customers, but it's only because Who I Fuck has little bearing on whether Encore Azaleas perform any better in full sun than the old-fashioned Indica-style Azaleas like the Formosas or the GG Gerbings. Get me talking about the obvious and perverted sexual antics of the Sago Palm, though, and I'm bound to drop a pin.

 

[Xzilla7]

The problem with the closet is that there are people out there that will forcibly out you for no other reason than to achieve sick enjoyment out of ruining your life.

Exhibit A: Perez Hilton

 

[Xzilla7]

Depending on your situation, you might have to prepare for outing. If you have, say, homophobic parents that you still need for support, and Perez Hilton comes along and forcibly outs you, then assuming your parents don't kill you, they will most likely kick you out and stop paying for your college/insurance/anything else.

All that after preparing to become financially independent. See where I'm going with this?

 

[sdmister4]

closeted to me means a full secrecy, as in, if people asked i would either lie or avoid telling the truth, it doesnt take much to keep people from asking because most either believe it once they do, or just assume you're straight in the first place.

i would put myself in the category of quiet supporter, although personally i take an active role in being non-activist (sorry, i couldnt help myself) and right now equal rights is more about the recognition that we're still just as human as everyone else, since i dont plan on marrying anytime soon

i generally dont hang out with haters. ever. if they're that intolerant towards gays they're probably pretty close minded and uninteresting anyway

being closeted keeps us kinda separated from the gay society, so i really dont have any gay friends to speak of, and no i wouldnt attend a pride event, though i'm not sure if i would anyway, just not my thing.

having said all that, i'm less than a month away from outing myself anyway and it doesnt haunt me anymore. being in the closet is being insecure, frightened, and still in denial, if not a worse case like violent outer forces, not a great place to be, and coming out is about readiness. all you can do is try to help them feel comfortable with themselves.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I get that there are no two closeted guys who are exact duplicates of each other, just as there are no two people in this world who are exact duplicates of each other. But how does being closeted effect the rest of your decisions. It's an individual question. If you're not interested in sharing your sexuality w/ every Tom, Dick, and Harry, does that mean you'll rally against gay civil rights when the situation calls for it? I'm just curious as to how sexuality plays out in our everyday decisions. It's a strategic question as well.

Well, this is kind of a painful topic for me. During my closet years, I was in deep denial about whether other people knew I was gay or not. I even lived with a guy for 6 years without telling anybody he was my lover!

Looking back, it's pretty clear I wasn't fooling anybody. But I can't say I ever made a decision based strictly on my fear of being found out.

As for support of gay rights, are you fishing for somebody to say that closeted gays are more likely to oppose them as a way of covering up their own sexuality? Certainly there have been some famous people who've done that, mostly Republican politicians, but I don't see any reason to believe that it's true in general.

 

[blackbeltninja]

Only one person has actually asked, and I answered truthfully. I have my suspicions as to whether he is straight himself - he says yes, but I'm not so sure. I don't know what I'd do if someone else were to ask - it would probably depend on who it was.

I have freely volunteered the information to a couple of people. One I took a chance with - told him the first time I met him a couple of hours into the proceedings and knowing that the likelihood of our paths crossing again is slim to none, so there is probably no comeback there. His reaction was... I don't know, surprised is the best way I can think to describe it, and not entirely unhostile, which is ironic since he was telling me at the time how his oldest friend recently came out to him and he had no idea before that. I gave him the usual "he's the same guy he's always been" routine, and then I told him about me./

The other guy who knows is my current gym partner, a guy I've known for about six years. I decided to tell him just as he was deciding whether or not to join my gym and become my training partner, since I didn't want him to find out in a few years' time and wonder if I was perving at him all along.

Is it difficult, not telling people? Yes. Would it be easier if I just did tell people? Probably, but not definitely. As for the other questions... I do support equal rights for everyone - it's a BIG thing here in .za for obvious reasons - but I'm not entirely innocent of referring to something as being too gay if it comes across as such. I try to get my friends and colleagues to think differently if they mention finding out someone they know is gay but didn't suspect it - the same "he's the same guy he's always been" bit.

My favourite has been challenging the younger guys in my karate class, though, albeit without letting on. When one of the guys said something along the guys of "all the gays just want to check you out in the gym" I just quietly pointed out that in accordance with the Gaussian distribution I'm fairly sure at least 50% of them would find him unattractive, which threw all the boys for a loop. Apparently it hadn't occurred to them that we might have our own taste in men.

-d-

 

[BabiGayPimp]

This is just me, but I think people who are totally closeted are missing some of the richness of life. Their lives are rigidly compartmentalized and they are not that great in bed. There's so much about our world that they are unaware of because whatt hey know of gay life revolves around back alleys and public parks. So sad.

 

[levenshulme31]

Only a couple of people know but I am finding it more of a mental strain to keep the secret.

Part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops and part of me wants to just keep my head down. the latter keeps winning the fight.

The direct question has never been asked but I think I would not lie if asked. (When people ask me if I thisnk I'll ever get a girlfriend I tend to brush it away saying I would hate to impose me on anyone).

I have put it on the monitoring form of a couple of job applications (mostly paranoia about getting a job, coming out then getting sacked for lying on the application if I said I was straight). Didn't get interviews for either though.

I'm sure it will be a contributory factor in the mental breakdown I expect to hit me in the not too distant future. (Along with many other things).

 

[Alpha1851]

As for support of gay rights, are you fishing for somebody to say that closeted gays are more likely to oppose them as a way of covering up their own sexuality?

No, I'm not fishing for anything. I tried to make my questions as neutral as possible, and perhaps I failed.

I've always wondered about what it means to be closeted in terms of how it changes the persons motivations. There are lots of threads on JUB where closeted people are called cowards and said to be a liability to the gay community. But, I'm uncertain of the merit of this claim, since a person doesn't have to be gay to support gay rights. Which made me question whether the closet folks are supporting gay rights, either through vocal advocacy or quiet voting. Or, if they are in fact fighting against gay rights in order to protect their own image. Which doesn't make sense to me. Sure, this person might vocalize a disgust of the gay community but surely they are pulling the lever in support of gay civil rights, since voting is completely anonymous (a citizen, not a politician of course).

And by closeted folks, I'm incl. the bi people too. There's a poll in the straight/bi section and the vast majority of our bi folks are closeted. So, I'm curious if they are rallying for equality in some way, or if it's a moot point for them.

Additionally, the recent numbers show, I believe but am not certain, that the percentage of non-straight folks was under 10%. Several JUBBERS felt that the number was far to low and failed to reflect the true number of LGBT folks since it didn't account for the closeted people. But, if that's true, and the numbers are much higher, then why are we flailing politically? Things are improving, and I don't doubt that they will continue to improve , but if there are really that many closet cases in the U.S., enough to significantly raise the less than 10% number, then maybe closet cases are failing to stand up for equality.

I'm just curious, and I appreciate everyone who responded.

 

[Telstra]

I'm sure you already know the answers as you are very open minded.


Have you seen "American Beauty"? That married guy was closeted ..........

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I've always thought 4% was about right for gay people. Bisexuals, who knows. Especially since I believe nearly everybody is potentially bisexual...

 

[Alpha1851]

Everyone at work probably suspects I'm gay and that's just fine, let 'em speculate. But they have no proof so they won't hear it from me, oh no, I will never give them the satisfaction - and ammunition.

Bless your heart (in the south we think this phrase makes everything better).

It sounds like your co-workers are a bunch of assholes!

Some states protect against discrimination based on sexual orientation. Lambdalegal.org has info. if you're ever interested.

 

[sexsomniac]

I don't feel I have obligation to disclose my sexual orientation. This is nobody business but strictly confine to me and my family. That's how society, in which I grew up, believe and practice anyway. Anyone who ask or disclose otherwise be seen as epitome of lack of social etiquette. In addition to all of that, neither my parents nor my siblings have no interest on which gender I choose to be with as my life partner as long as I'm happy. So,technically, I'm closeted. As for now, I'm living in different country where asking orientation is well accepted social norm among social circle. Sadly, I'm still yet to find the best way on how to tackle this question when being asked.

As with the question of how does this effect my life, none until I moved here. People,at here, are very curious to know which way I swing as I don't have any girlfriend like other guys at my age do. I feel uncomfortable as well as bordering on offense when they come and ask. It just don't feel right to me for I think it is too personal.Anyway, I'm learning to adapt this predicament.