How does dating work?

[hollywooder18]

So a little bit of backstory, over the past 2 years, I have only been single for about 2-3 months and the rest of the time I was in relationships. There were two men I was in relationships with, guy A for 6 months, guy B for 13 months, and then guy A again for another 5 months. I h e been single now for about two months and while I have enjoyed it and had fun, I truly feel I am a relationship kind of guy and I like having somebody to do things with and be with.

Last week I was out at a bar and I met a guy, we were checking each other out all night and eventually starting talking, which led to us making out. Usually when I go out, this is a normal occurrence, but "Andrew" and I ended up hanging out all night, going to a few different places, and not paying any attention to anybody else. Whenever we walked he would hold my hand and keep me warm because it was freezing outside, which was very nice. We were kissing and touching a lot all night, and neither of us wanted to hook up because we both agreed that we didn't want to do that with someone we actually might like. At the end of the night, well, 5am.. We exchanged numbers and kissed goodbye and I drove the hour home. I drive to his city because it has a better gay community than my small town does.

So a few days go by of us flirting over text, I asked "Andrew" on a date and he said he would love to. We made plans but they had to be postponed and I took him out to dinner last night. We both had a great time any afterwards we went to a bar and hung out for a few hours before we took off. I was kind of hoping he would ask me to spend the night, but that didn't happen. We did kiss and make out a lot, plenty of feeing and little kisses like boyfriends would do. So he walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes. He woke me with a text this morning saying he had a great time and would love to see me again. He also said he "doesn't know what is going to happen."

My problem lies here. With my two exes, after the first date, both ended up as my boyfriend in the same night as the first date. This probably isn't the norm.. But that's what happened each time. So I'm not really sure how to go about my situation with "Andrew". We both are obviously attracted to each other and both have said we liked each other, and he has made jokes about our wedding and innocent things like that. I'm just not sure what to do next.. This is basic dating protocol that I'm sure of for obvious reasons.

I like this guy enough to not want to kiss or hookup or date anybody else, but should I expect him to do the same? Should I ask him straight out what he's looking for? Is is too early to ask him where he thinks it's gonna go? Would it seem too needy or weird if I ask him to go out again? And like I said above, I go to his city a couple times a week for the gay community, when I go should I let him know? Sorry to sound dumb with such a simple question, even though I've been in relationships I have never "dated".

Thanks for any advice and suggestions

 

[bruce379]

Ah, love. You're doing perfectly fine. Thank god he's into you too This is a good sign. Keep it up. Keep up the magic.

Ask him out on another date. Open up slowly to him because let's face it, sometimes guys put out too much information don't steamroll him. Keep up the romance and let the attachment build. Don't get yourself spooked about his takes on jumping the gun on you (wedding and all that lol) he's obviously in love with you, often times that eagerness is a product of nervousness. Some people are allergic to guys who appear needy or clingy, he has a crush on you, give him a break . I'm surprised you two haven't reached 3rd base already lol which is quite normal when two gay guys meet. They say the sex is the easy part; the first date is the hard part and you'd be lucky to get a second date - which makes us efficient But seriously, get to know each other by going on movie dates or maybe seeing each other at a park or something or a bar again and hopefully wake up in the same bed soon.

If you like him, you'll ask him out again. Like what Dan Savage said: "There is no The One. The one does not exist. It's a series of compromises. There are only 0.64s, 0.73s... and then you round him up to 1. Because you might not be his 1 either and he's working on rounding you up too - from 0.9"

Good luck!

 

[AstareGod]

Like what Dan Savage said: "There is no The One. The one does not exist. It's a series of compromises. There are only 0.64s, 0.73s... and then you round him up to 1. Because you might not be his 1 either and he's working on rounding you up too - from 0.9"

I still remember the first time I saw the video where Dan Savage said this, and it really spoke to me. It's very true. There's a very low chance you're going to find someone who meets all of your expectations, and you likely aren't going to meet 100% of theirs. But once you find someone who meets most of them, that's when you really find something.

The fact that he and you have sent flirtatious messages back and forth and obviously have a great chemistry already are great signs! Keep taking things nice and slow. I've found the quicker I jump into relationships, the quicker I fall out of them. Take time to get to know each other, spend a few nights at each other's places, and make sure you both match up on the important things, like values, expectations, and, of course, sexual compatibility.

As far as expecting him to be exclusive to you and not kiss, hookup, or date anyone else, just talk to him. Some guys are different as far as sexual exclusivity goes. Some guys like to maintain their freedom while not technically in a relationship, while others are more interested in "committing" themselves to be with just the one person they're interested in at the time. You seem like the latter. Ask yourself, are you comfortable if he is the former? Are you OK with him kissing, dating, or hooking up with other guys while you two are still talking amongst yourselves and getting to know each other? Talk to him about it. He may be willing to commit to you too while you are getting to know each other.

It's always a good idea to see where things are going. Some people are interested in a long-term relationship, or even a partner/husband. While it's probably too early to begin seriously contemplating marriage, if that is the end goal for both of you - to find someone with whom you want to be for life - at least you go in to your relationship knowing that. But if you guys aren't sure and just want to keep it casual for now, that's OK, too. It's good to revisit the topic to see how both of you are feeling and just how serious you want to get with one another.

From what you've told us, you two seem to be doing just fine.

bruce has some great suggestions above on spending quality time together. A great gauge for compatibility is staying over at each other's place for a weekend or even longer, if you can. After a few more dates, I'd say that would be your next step.

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[hollywooder18]

Thanks for the replies! We have talked through text and we have plans to have a date tomorrow afternoon. I feel like maybe we should talk about where it's going or at least where he would like it to go. Also would like to clear up the issue of what we are doing with other men.

Something also seems to be missing, when we text he seems a little uninterested.. Although he is the one who asked me if I was free tomorrow. I think I may just be overthinking it. Tomorrow hopefully things will be a little more clear.. Is it too early to try and clear things up or to discuss moving "dating" to "couple"?

 

[AstareGod]

In what ways does he seem disinterested through text? You may be reading too much into it. Some guys just have different styles when it comes to texting, and it can be next to impossible to detect any sort of inflection. There are no vocal or body language cues to go along with the message. If you find this to be detrimental to your communication, give him a call instead. You are, after all, using a phone, which is made for voice calls.

Let us know how tomorrow goes. If you have questions about where things are going, ask him. Anyone worth your time will honor having a discussion about it. Even if you two aren't ready to move from dating to a couple, ask if that's a possibility, and also a possibility that involves you. You two don't have to rush into things, but it doesn't hurt to see what both of your end goals are.

 

[bruce379]

Text messages can lose a lot of meaning and can be misinterpreted sometimes. Call if you must to make it clear. If he was the one who asked you if you are free then I suppose you need to answer or make time. I think you're over analyzing it too. Like Astare said, don't rush or jump the gun. I think both of you are giddy about each other. My take is: you are dating if you see each other regularly in at least a 3 month period, you're a couple if you have regular sex weekly and you/him sleep over on weekends (or at least a regular day/days of the week)

 

[Seasoned]

The mistake many of us make is not living in the moment or expecting reciprocal feelings or actions too soon. You don't need to date or hook up even if he is. Take this a date at a time and ask for what you want. You know yourself well enough to know you won't let things progress beyond frustration. Good luck!

 

[hollywooder18]

Thanks again guys, I'll update again tonight after our date. Hope everyone is having a great day!

 

[hollywooder18]

Hey guys, back with an update.

So yesterday we went on date number two. I picked him up at his place and we drove to the restaurant for dinner, while holding hands and kissing and enjoying seeing each other again. Dinner went well, getting to know each other and laughing and taking in each other's company. I did get a few answers that I have been needing.

I asked what he thought about us taking an official shot and he said that he has very high walls and he doesn't let his guard down at all. He also said our age difference worries him a bit, but he's trying to make it go away and he is hoping that if we continue to go on dates (yay!) he hopes it goes away because he really enjoys my company and getting to know me. He also said I've been the first person to ask him on a date in awhile.. So me worrying about him dating other people shouldn't be an issue. That's relieved me a bit but he's adorable so I felt a little bad, but I m glad I asked him out Not entirely sure what that means in terms of hooking up, but I'm not letting that bother me much.

After dinner we stayed together for a bit longer and then after the drive home and more hand holding and kissing and smiling and laughing, I dropped him back off. Our goodbye was long and a little tough but he had to get to sleep because he worked early this morning, so not being invited in wasn't much of an issue. Still no hooking up or sleepovers.. Something I m not used to.

I did tell him that he was my main focus and I wasn't interested in dating, or kissing, or hooking up with anybody else. I will be at a party tomorrow night in his city but unfortunately he'll be working so I won't see him. He has mentioned a party this Friday at his friends house numerous times, and while part of me would like an invite to join him, I guess it may be too soon.

Thanks for listening guys, still getting used to dating but it's going well! Hoping it turns into something, and I have told him that. He says he's bad at relationships and he's easier at being single.. But he isn't against a relationship. I can't stop thinking about him and while the hour distance between he and I is a minor issue in my mind, I'm hoping for the best

 

[AstareGod]

That seemed to have gone super well! I bet it feels good to have a better idea of what he's looking for as far as relationships go. He sounds like he's open to the idea, but just taking a little bit of caution. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Keep going on dates and getting to know each other, and the rest will come naturally.

Once you feel more comfortable, ask him why he thinks he would be bad at a relationship. I don't know if you've mentioned it, but has he been in one before? What sorts of issues has he experienced and overcome in the past? This may give you an idea of how compatible you two may be with each other, and you can build trust by talking about these sorts of things.

 

[bruce379]

Age difference? I hope he's not that young jk

Sounds like you two have hit it off well. A few more dates ain't bad.

 

[hollywooder18]

Hey guys, back with an update!

The age difference thing, I'm 21 and he's 44. Both my exes were around the same, 42 and 45 actually.

I went to a halloween party in his town on Thursday night, unfortunately he had to work overnight. But after the party he asked me if I'd meet him in the parking lot outside of where he works because he wanted to see me. That was really nice of him.

Last night we went out together again, not a date but we went to a few clubs/bars and drank and hung out and talked. As the night went out the dancing and touching was getting intense and the kissing was too. We talked a lot, he opened up to me a lot about he age thing and while he is trying to get over it so we can start a relationship.. I understand much better now.

I did get a few more answers involving other things as well. Like I mentioned in my initial post, we both turned down a hook up the night we met because we both liked each other. He confirmed this again last night because he "wanted to be sure to see me again", which was nice to hear. He also isn't the most self-confident guy, so that was holding him back as well. Still no sex but I'm ok with that, I'm enjoying getting to know him better!

We did however bit a resolution. I have been a bit uneasy lately wondering if he was doing anything with anybody else, and after a party he went to on Friday night and him mentioning "eye candy" and "tongue candy", I decided to take a chance and ask him if he would be willing to be monogamous with each other while we continue to see each other and work towards a relationship, and he was completely on board! Very happy about that!

No dates planned for this week as of now but we texted a bit today and things still seem to be going in the right direction! Still not completely comfortable and used to dating but I'm enjoying what we have right now.

 

[AstareGod]

That's great news! It sounds like you guys are really into each other. Keep taking things nice and slow, and best of luck to you both!

 

[MrRochesterNY]

How's the relationship going? Hoping for an update soon.