I've posted here, before, explaining that my boyfriend had an extremely colorful (self-admitted) sexual past that was the complete opposite of mine, and how I wasn't sure if I could handle it. Yes, I know it is the PAST. Yes, I know that based on the number of men I've had sex with, I'm probably a rarity in the gay world. It's not that I was judging him for this past, it's just that I was always afraid that he'd want to return it it. There was also the fact that his "friends" kept bringing it up in front of me, seemingly on purpose, which I find disrespectful and ruthless. It's difficult to leave something in the past when it's constantly showing itself in the present. The thought that he may want to return to that past also did affect my trust in him. As much as I love and trust this man, I was always worried that when he'd be away on a business trip or something, he'd stray. I should also add that the relationship he had before ours was a 3 year long one that was "open" for two years. At the time, he traveled every week for work, and used that to his sexual advantage. So, as much as I wanted to believe him when he said he wanted a monogamous relationship with me, I still had some difficulty.
So that's the backstory. The reason I'm writing this is because I have a feeling there are other people, possibly many, who are in the same situation. I want to share with those people how my situation turned out.
A few days ago my boyfriend and I were talking about our future together. Discussing marriage, etc. He asked if I still, after a year and a half, felt that he fulfills all of my needs and desires. I asked him the same question. He began to tell me that he knows I'm asking that because of his past, and asked if his past was still bothering me. I told him that I would be lying if I said I don't ever think about it, but for the most part, I'm over it. He asked if it would help if we talked more about it, or would more details freak me out. I don't know why, but I told him I wanted a number. I wanted to know about how many people he's slept with. His answer: over 300. Now, to be honest, I had somehow come to the conclusion a long time ago that it was probably around that many guys. But, to hear him say it outloud, himself, and prove my assumption to be true...my heart dropped to my toes.
At this point, I felt a mix of emotions. I was disgusted at the fact that over 300 men have been inside of my boyfriend, in one way or another. I was terrified at the fact that there's no way he could have slept with over 300 men without contracting some sort of STD. I was confused at how the man who I know so well and love so much could possibly be someone else, entirely. I was sad that something in my boyfriend's life made him feel the need to have sex with over 300 people. As much as I didn't want to hear more, I needed explanations.
First off, although I told him it wasn't necessary, he pulled up his medical records online to show me that he's taken blood tests as recent as July and everything is clean. He admitted to me that he's had gonorrhea a few times in the past and has been cured of it. He assured me that the relationship he has with me is the kind he's always wanted. Then he told me that he can't say that he regrets his past, because he learned a lot from it. This struck me in a bad way, and I asked "exactly what did you learn from sleeping with 300+ men???"
This is when I started to understand things. For the first time in our relationship, he told me WHY his past was the way it was. For most of his life, he was called fat and ugly. He grew up in an extremely poor household. He had no friends except for a few cousins. People at school teased him. There were times when teachers contacted his parents to tell them that their son possibly needed to speak with the school counselor, because he seemed to be a loner. He wasn't actually a loner, but kids just didn't want to be his friend. They preferred teasing him. From the ages of 15-17 he became bulimic, in an attempt to lose weight, to stop being bullied. He is also of a race that is considered the bottom of the totem pole in the gay world. A lot of gay men view his race as some sort of a fetish and nothing more. And to be truthful, it's a known statistic that his race is the least desirable, and majority of people think that it's the most unattractive race. He was also closeted until the age of 28.
When he moved away from his hometown and into a large city, he decided to start exploring his sexuality. When he would hook up with a stranger, for that moment, it made him feel wanted...desired, sexually...attractive. Because of those positive feelings that would come during the hookups, he continued to do it, to achieve those feelings. After the hookup, he'd feel guilty and full of shame, and would regret it. However, a week later, he'd be craving that sort of attention, again. I would compare it to a drug addiction...like developing a tolerance and needing more drugs to feel the high. He began to realize that nothing else boosted his self esteem like hooking up did, but eventually his self esteem became dependent on it. The more down he'd feel on himself, the more he would hook up. If his boyfriend (the one from the open relationship) would make a comment about his body or even hair not being ideal, he'd seek validation elsewhere. If he looked in the mirror at the gym and thought he looked chunky, he would look for hookups to validate the fact that his body is, in fact, amazing. It was a vicious cycle of that lead to more and more hookups more and more often to keep his self esteem high and to validate that he had grown up from that "fat, ugly" boy into a very attractive, very fit man.
After hearing this explanation, the previous feelings I'd had completely disappeared, and I was overcome with sadness. My heart broke. I was sad that he'd been bullied. I was sad that he thought so low of himself. I was sad that he thought sex was the only way he could validate his attractiveness. I was sad that his ex-boyfriends didn't tell him how attractive and wonderful he is. My entire perspective changed. I completely understood everything. I felt like a terrible person for having judged him. I felt like a total jerk for not understanding that not everyone has the great past that I've had, or lived the great life that I have, or handles things the way I would handle them. It was at that moment that I fell in love with my boyfriend even more than I already was, and I didn't think that was possible.
While he can't change the past, my boyfriend did tell me that he does regret it, because of how it has made me feel. And I now realize, that it's all I can ask of him...to say that.
So, like I stated earlier, I hope this post helps someone else realize the same things I did. And this not only applies to a promiscuous past, but any sort of past that you may be viewing negatively. Talk to your partner about it. Ask questions. Get the whole story before passing judgement. Maybe you won't have the outcome I did, but there's a chance you might, and I can promise you that once you have this sort of understanding of your partner, you both will benefit from it, greatly!
So that's the backstory. The reason I'm writing this is because I have a feeling there are other people, possibly many, who are in the same situation. I want to share with those people how my situation turned out.
A few days ago my boyfriend and I were talking about our future together. Discussing marriage, etc. He asked if I still, after a year and a half, felt that he fulfills all of my needs and desires. I asked him the same question. He began to tell me that he knows I'm asking that because of his past, and asked if his past was still bothering me. I told him that I would be lying if I said I don't ever think about it, but for the most part, I'm over it. He asked if it would help if we talked more about it, or would more details freak me out. I don't know why, but I told him I wanted a number. I wanted to know about how many people he's slept with. His answer: over 300. Now, to be honest, I had somehow come to the conclusion a long time ago that it was probably around that many guys. But, to hear him say it outloud, himself, and prove my assumption to be true...my heart dropped to my toes.
At this point, I felt a mix of emotions. I was disgusted at the fact that over 300 men have been inside of my boyfriend, in one way or another. I was terrified at the fact that there's no way he could have slept with over 300 men without contracting some sort of STD. I was confused at how the man who I know so well and love so much could possibly be someone else, entirely. I was sad that something in my boyfriend's life made him feel the need to have sex with over 300 people. As much as I didn't want to hear more, I needed explanations.
First off, although I told him it wasn't necessary, he pulled up his medical records online to show me that he's taken blood tests as recent as July and everything is clean. He admitted to me that he's had gonorrhea a few times in the past and has been cured of it. He assured me that the relationship he has with me is the kind he's always wanted. Then he told me that he can't say that he regrets his past, because he learned a lot from it. This struck me in a bad way, and I asked "exactly what did you learn from sleeping with 300+ men???"
This is when I started to understand things. For the first time in our relationship, he told me WHY his past was the way it was. For most of his life, he was called fat and ugly. He grew up in an extremely poor household. He had no friends except for a few cousins. People at school teased him. There were times when teachers contacted his parents to tell them that their son possibly needed to speak with the school counselor, because he seemed to be a loner. He wasn't actually a loner, but kids just didn't want to be his friend. They preferred teasing him. From the ages of 15-17 he became bulimic, in an attempt to lose weight, to stop being bullied. He is also of a race that is considered the bottom of the totem pole in the gay world. A lot of gay men view his race as some sort of a fetish and nothing more. And to be truthful, it's a known statistic that his race is the least desirable, and majority of people think that it's the most unattractive race. He was also closeted until the age of 28.
When he moved away from his hometown and into a large city, he decided to start exploring his sexuality. When he would hook up with a stranger, for that moment, it made him feel wanted...desired, sexually...attractive. Because of those positive feelings that would come during the hookups, he continued to do it, to achieve those feelings. After the hookup, he'd feel guilty and full of shame, and would regret it. However, a week later, he'd be craving that sort of attention, again. I would compare it to a drug addiction...like developing a tolerance and needing more drugs to feel the high. He began to realize that nothing else boosted his self esteem like hooking up did, but eventually his self esteem became dependent on it. The more down he'd feel on himself, the more he would hook up. If his boyfriend (the one from the open relationship) would make a comment about his body or even hair not being ideal, he'd seek validation elsewhere. If he looked in the mirror at the gym and thought he looked chunky, he would look for hookups to validate the fact that his body is, in fact, amazing. It was a vicious cycle of that lead to more and more hookups more and more often to keep his self esteem high and to validate that he had grown up from that "fat, ugly" boy into a very attractive, very fit man.
After hearing this explanation, the previous feelings I'd had completely disappeared, and I was overcome with sadness. My heart broke. I was sad that he'd been bullied. I was sad that he thought so low of himself. I was sad that he thought sex was the only way he could validate his attractiveness. I was sad that his ex-boyfriends didn't tell him how attractive and wonderful he is. My entire perspective changed. I completely understood everything. I felt like a terrible person for having judged him. I felt like a total jerk for not understanding that not everyone has the great past that I've had, or lived the great life that I have, or handles things the way I would handle them. It was at that moment that I fell in love with my boyfriend even more than I already was, and I didn't think that was possible.
While he can't change the past, my boyfriend did tell me that he does regret it, because of how it has made me feel. And I now realize, that it's all I can ask of him...to say that.
So, like I stated earlier, I hope this post helps someone else realize the same things I did. And this not only applies to a promiscuous past, but any sort of past that you may be viewing negatively. Talk to your partner about it. Ask questions. Get the whole story before passing judgement. Maybe you won't have the outcome I did, but there's a chance you might, and I can promise you that once you have this sort of understanding of your partner, you both will benefit from it, greatly!
