How Important is Sex to a Relationship?

[rm71182]

This is an age-old question, I know, but it's usually asked in reverse. What I usually see are posts like, "our sex is great, but outside of that, our relationship is weak," etc.

My question is the opposite: not that the sex is "bad," per se, but I just don't consider myself a star in bed, nor will I ever be one (size issues). I read so often about relationships where it seems like sex is what holds things together. I just can't ever imagine that being the case for me; any relationships I have are going to be in spite of, not because of, the sex.

But obviously affection and love play a role in making the sex what it is, so if you love someone, the sex is better for that very reason. I guess what I'd like to know from you guys is, how forgiving are you when it comes to sex? Let's say you like a guy but the sex isn't great--it's not terrible, but not great--is that a deal-breaker? Do you take the time to get to know him/maybe fall in love with him, or just move on?

When I talk to couples who've been together a long time, they usually talk about how things like communication, cooperation, etc, are essential (and that they're often harder to navigate than plain sex). But it seems like there's always a strong sex life underlying any relationship. But is that sex based on physical lust, or love? That's my question...

 

[dereperez]

It's different for each couple and there is no right or wrong answer. The sex and the emotional connection are generally symbiotic. You can have one without the other but they are much stronger when they go together.

 

[rm71182]

It is very important, as sexual connection is very intimate and fulfilling.
It is especially important for those who feel loved and accepted when they are being touched and physically interacted with.

I don't see the point in separating sexuality from emotional connection. They come together and its very good this way.
If the sex isn't great than you put effort into improving it. Some will deny that it is possible but it is. You can always learn.
For me the only dealbreakers are if someone is total bottom/top and refuses kissing.

So this is precisely my suspicion; I don't think you can have a relationship without good sex. But I guess my question is, when it comes to defining "good sex," what's the balance between emotional connection vs. physical attraction? ("lust vs. love", to put it simplistically).

I'm just not a dynamo in bed, and I don't think I ever will be. I don't find myself very attractive, I have a small dick, and I don't see sex as being a strong suit of mine. Everyone has flaws, but having a flaw in the sex dept is way more detrimental than, say, forgetting to put the toilet seat down, etc. Is there a way I can compensate? Has anyone been with a guy who was, say, less than stellar in the bedroom, but you loved him so it made it okay (and you let him know what you liked, so he could please you in spite of everything?).

 

[Seasoned]

If your only experience is hook ups and you already lack confidence you might be the victim of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Introverts and timid or shy people do better when they take risks and join organizations or groups. Meeting people and being part of activities leads to acceptance. Perhaps all you need is someone ready to get to know you and explore sex all at once and all at the same time. By trying to factor sex in or out of a relationship you probably are exaggerating your perceived fears.

Porn stars and other show offs are above average in size. Make sure that's not what you're considering as the norm.

 

[Ninja108]

It is a very important part of our relationship as it helps bond us physically and emotionally. It's not the only part of it though.

 

[rm71182]

Thanks all for the replies. I think, as someone said here, it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy ("I don't think I'm good in bed -- therefore I won't be good in bed). Maybe I'll try a sex counselor. I think it's one of those things where the main thing preventing me from good sex/intimacy, may be my own internal hangups (which are myriad). There shouldn't be a false dichotomy between good relationship and bad sex vs. good relationship and good sex. I think it's my own mental hangup. Thanks guys for setting me straight.

 

[Seasoned]

A counselor in general might be the way to go as a counselor specializing in sexual functioning may be better equipped working with couples or with someone in a relationship. Besides seeing a generalist you'd be in a good place with a patient teacher or with another insecure novice. I think you'd also benefit from just holding and being held, fun in a shower, etc. Take the focus away from orgasm and find someone with whom you can explore intimacy. Your sensitivity tells me you'll make a good sex partner. Take care and remain hopeful.

 

[hylas]

i think the only important thing is that you and your partner see eye to eye.

personally, im a pretty sexual animal and i cant imagine ever being in a relationship with someone i dont have a mind-blowing sexual connection with.

but ive been screwing around with this one married guy for about half a year now. he is married to another guy, and their marriage is open and companionate, meaning they dont have sex at all anymore. to my knowledge, they are still in love and have no intentions of separating. a realtionship without much of a sexual connection is obviously working out for them.


on a different note, having a small dick does not make you a bad lay. and while its possible that youre just not a very sexual person, it sounds to me like you just have some insecurities to work through. i mean, if youre happy with the not-all-that-great sex youre having, because sex just isnt that important to you, then i guess thats ok. but it does sound to me like maybe you should work on getting your shit together.

also, how old are you? ive been having sex since i was 15, but it took me until my mid 20es until i finally experienced really good, fulfilling sex. maybe you just need some more experience.

 

[silentalk]

Well, to me, I wouldn't mind having someone who'd love me truly for the rest of our lives without having any sexual interaction at all. To me, emotions are way more important than sex.

 

[Ninja108]

Said it above but I'll mention it again that sex is a very part of a relationship IMO but if that's all you have,your relationship will be in trouble sooner or later.

 

[sixthson]

It's as important as both partners agree it is for them.