How long do you wait to tell someone you've just met you're gay?

[Ganoderma]

I need advice. I just met some people in a class I'm taking, and most of them are guys and they're planning to all of us going out for dinner and I would like your opinion about when it's the right time to tell them I'm gay, during dinner? before?
I'm really touchy about this because some people get uncomfortable and I really need/want new friends and I don't like going through life telling my sexuality to everyone I just met in the last 5 seconds.

What should I do? How long do you wait to tell someone you've just met you're gay?

hi Aaronxp,

I have no idea if you and these guys are also connected with each other through Facebook (or something like that). Giving ,-clear- clues on your Facebook profile is another way to let people know that you are gay.

E.g. make a link (or something like that) to a recent online petition which has anything to to with gay issues (e.g., same sex marriage, the recent petition in regard to Starbucks, etc.).

Open yourself to some people in your class, and tell them that is's not a big secret (or something like that) that you are gay. So then they will also tell other people. And soon, alot of people will know, and you don't need to bother anymore if they know that you are gay or not.

When these guys talk about girls, you can always reply with 'hint' answers like 'I am not interested in girls', 'I don't need a girlfriend', 'I don't have feelings for girls', 'girls are not my field of interest', etc.

There is the possibility that one or more guys will start to ask why this is the case. Well, then you can give the reply. 'Well, i happen to be interested in guys', or 'I am looking around for a boyfriend' (or something like this).

I also tend to think that you are not -yet- totally comfortable and relaxed about being gay guy. So working on becoming proud on yourself (=Aaronxp = gay, and there is nothing wrong with that) will mean that you don't bother anymore about other people and what they think about you. You are gay, 'so what?'

Becoming totally relaxed and comfortable about your own sexual identity will automatically mean that

I'm really touchy about this because some people get uncomfortable

is not anymore the case.

Finally, telling people that you are gay is definately also a matter of 'using the proper moment'. I mean, you don't know how a conversation is developing, and it might very well happen that the conversation will be about any gay subject (or something like that). There are quite often alot of gay items in the news, and you cannot predict which one. But such a subject can be an ideal moment to open yourself.

Best wishes & take care

Feel free to react and to ask additional questions.

 

[Reika]

Never really need to tell anyone i just met about being gay lol. It usually just happens a few weeks down the line and then the usual response is "Really?!"...

 

[hermanding]

I do not make any announcements about my sexuality. If a friendship develops, it is going to be revealed in the course of the development, as life-style activities are discussed.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>This is an interesting issue that I have been thinking about and people's responses have helped. It really should only come after someone just straight out asks something about what girls you are into or anything similar to that. You'll know when you can lead in saying you're gay, but it never should be just out of the blue and you should never need to make a big deal out of it. Just a quick sentence referencing it and that's it, unless someone follows up with your response.

No offense meant, but why the fuck not?

Straight folks don't feel the need to walk on eggshells around new people. They don't feel the need to hold off on saying they're married or have a girlfriend, until "they get to know me better". So why should I? Yeah, if there might be a safety use, sure - feel your way forward a bit. But other than that, I don't have any issue making or not making my sexuality known., whenever I see fit.

Lex

 

[72-Jay]

When simply asked if I have a girlfriend or wife, I just say no I'm single. That seems to be a good enough answer.

If someone was to specifically ask about dating/girls/etc, I can be honest and say that I don't date or have never dated... If they were shocked by that, so be it LOL

If anyone asks if I was gay...well unfortunately then I have to lie (luckily that is a very rare question).

 

[Taralen]

Why is it so important? I'm assuming these guys are straight. It's guys night out to dinner. Your sexual preference is none of their concern. If you do befriend a guy, gay or straight, it's up to you as to when you reveal your sexuality to him. I suggest when your friendship level is very high.

 

[lambdaboy]

If I am at dinner and some one asks are you married have a girlfriend, I tell them no I have a mail partner I am gay. I agree that tr8 guys don't say Hi I am str8 bit trust me if asked answer. One guy I knew took the approach a lot of you guys say and said. No not seeing anyone at the time. For the next 6 months as he was a nice looking guy guys would try to get him on double dates they would send girls over at times. So sorry I am out and proud if they don't want to know me after they find out I do not want to know them.

In fairness I am an American in London where even at a local pub in two gay guys can go in and if people know they are gay with rare exception no one cares.

Some day it will be like that in the states I hope.

 

[Saybrooke]

I feel like I don't really tell people I'm gay as much as I don't deny it if the subject comes up.

 

[Adrock-JD]

i never TELL anyone that i'm gay - do straight people set a time to TELL new friends they are straight?

i have never understood the need to TELL about one's sexuality

if two people become friends and have a sexual interest in each other, then a discussion is in order, but to just announce to someone what your sexuality is .... why?

Straight people usually don't need to tell people they're straight because the majority of people they are in contact with are straight and just assume others they meet are too.

Some gay people would rather tell certain people up front about their sexual orientation than have them constantly guessing and talking about it behind their back.

You're right, it is not necessary to announce your sexual orientation to casual acquaintances but with friends, family, and co-workers it gets complicated.

 

[Frogger17]

I'm always afraid they'll treat me differently or pull a Matthew Shepherd. As we all know, not everyone accepts everyone else being gay, so I'd rather be completely upfront about it and save the trouble and drama. I don't want to be friends with a homophobe any more than a homophobe wants to be friends with me.

AaronXP, is this school a college or high school? If the former, you could probably find a Gay-Straight Alliance club or whatever and find friends that way.

 

[chance1]

surprised this didn't find more traction

my first answer is a joke:

after i let them fuck me

but seriously folks, I tell them if they ask for sure - but I don't generally offer it up - it's sorta lame i think - in nyc, gay/str8 is very fluid and not a big deal to most - especially those i interact with

really good question though

 

[ravenstar]

I never bother to tell people outright I'm gay. Granted if they have ears or eyes they'll know it in fairly short order anyway but I don't care enough about other people's opinions to come out all over again. I did it 14 years ago, and once was enough. If they can't figure it out that's their problem.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

wen they no tip

thankyou

 

[Lube]

How can you get to know people and not talk about funny stories about sex or dates or gay friends or going to the movies or eating preferences or embarrassing situations? How can gay politics never come up?

I find it impossible to not let people know I'm gay within 5 minutes of meeting them.

If I talk to someone and they don't reveal their preference in 5 minutes, I just assume they're gay. How can you be human and not talk about your current or former lovers? They make the funniest stories because you know them so well.

 

[timboy]

most people assume i,m gay and i dont deny or hide it from them . I only tell the people i really care about , thats just me

 

[AlmondMilk]

For me it depends on the person. If they're friendly, maybe after a few months I'll tell them. If we don't end up too close, then I might not.

 

[Alistair]

This, it's exactly what I was going to say.

I do find it hard to tell coworkers that I'm gay. I work in a very masculine job and most people that work in this field are predominately homophobic.

 

[blublud]

I also work in a very masculine atmosphere. About a year ago, a younger guy, joking, made comment about me running home at night to get with the little boys. Then it spread to the others. For my part, I egg them on and encourage them and even admit to doing certain things with the boys. They all think it's a joke. I'm totally out there but none of them believe it. So funny. Only thing is, I don't wear gay looking clothes or show a limp wrist or any other outward demonstration.

 

[bw92116]

Wait until this new group of friends tells you they're straight. Then tell them you're gay.

 

[Lube]

Keep in mind, guys, that even if you work in a butch job, the more guys that come out, the harder it is for people to vote against gay rights, since they'll think, "oh, yeah, I do know a gay guy at work and he's a really great guy--why would I vote against him."

Think twice before hiding who you are. It doesn't affect just you--it affects all of us.