How long does it take parents to fully accept you as a gay child?

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

I told my parents I was gay before I started dating anyone and during that process my parents said that nothing will change and that they would love me the same as before, and I guess this was true to some degree- Until recently when I got myself a boyfriend. I have been noticing that I have become somewhat distant from my parents because I feel as if I can't share things without being criticized or put down in some way. I used to share what was going on, but my mom would find a way to use what I told her to taunt my relationship- To poke fun at. She would justify her taunts by reassuring me that I she did love me, and wants me to be happy (Although, I don't think taunting really makes anyone happy). Now, I feel like I am slowly being pushed away by my parents, it almost feels as they are trying to make me pick a side, instead of really wanting me to be happy. I feel as if my life has been more divided because I don't share much anymore with my parents- Honestly, I'm afraid to because of how they might feel, and also because doing so makes me uncomfortable because of how they might feel and how they might look uncomfortable.

Their are just so many little things, like whenever I get sick, they think I might have caught something from him. How much time I spend with him. The fact that I could be sexually active with him or not. Oh, yeah- My mom doesn't want other people knowing that she might know as well.- Which is hard for me, I get that she's uncomfortable and I do want to respect that, but I feel like I am taking steps back. I need to get my life back.

The drawback is that I am 23 and that I still live at home, I just finished up my degree. I'm currently having a problem finding work, because of the fact that I decided while going to school to help out the family instead of finding myself an internship. I don't have job experience in the field for which I studied, which makes it near impossible to find work. I don't really know how to get out, I've traveled to job fairs that were 8 hours away to interview with companies, had some progress but nothing ever fell through. I can't apply for internships because they get filtered out. I still search the internet. I don't know how to get myself out of this mess. I just think it would be easier to be on my own, but I am still dependent on my family, as they are dependent on me as well.- They can get by without, but it would make things harder. I just don't know what to do.

I'm thinking about grad school, looking into certifications- I wish I saw an opportunity to get out.

 

[sixthson]

Hopefully, it is just a matter of them coming to terms with your sexuality and them needing some time. As much as you want to be out of the house, it may actually take that for them to fully accept it. Your day-to-day absence from their lives would help them realize how important you are to them hence your happiness being important to you.
Even if they never fully accept that you are gay, it really doesn't change anything.

Somehow you need to get your focus off your family and doing for them and placing it on your career and future. This is about making a life for yourself. You will always love and support your parents, but this is your time.


Good luck and keep us updated, buddy.

 

[racer2438]

It could be from 1 day to never. It depends on there moral values of whether they accept it or not.

There is no magic pill that they can take to say instantly that it's ok with them. Some parents are just more forgiving(for a lack of better word) and or more open minded, and willing to see that if it makes there child happy that's all they want.

But then there's some that will never accept it no matter what, and some can even shun there child, which is there loss, and the child's loss.

 

[Rob35]

I dreaded telling my parents due to the fact my dad being from the deep south. I got as mentally prepared as possible knowing that my dad would not have anything to do with me after I told him. I just knew he would tell me to get the hell out of his life and never come back. What a surprise reaction I got. I met my sister approximately 2-3 weeks prior to telling my parents. Of course my sister and I both cried. I think she was crying because I was crying. My sister told me that she loved me no matter who I was with as long as I was happy. That sort of eased the pain quite a bit. She told me she would go with me to my parents if I wanted her to. I told her please do. Now fast forward to my parents. I told them I had something to tell them. By that time, my sister came over to me and put her arm around me. Something she had never done in the past. I told my parents that I understood if they didnt want me in their lives after I told them what I had to say. I finally got up the nerve to tell them I was gay. Next thing I remember, I look over at my mom, she asked me how long i knew I was gay. I told her ever since i could remember. Then she started crying. By this time, I was waiting for my dad to tell me to get the f@#$ out of his house and never come back. He just sat there sighing. After about 10 minutes of silence from anyone, my mom looked at my dad and said, "Well, aren't you going to say anything?" My dad said to my mom, "This is a lot for someone to take in." I told them that I understood if they wanted me to leave. My mom told me not to leave. Bythis time I just wanted to run like hell out the door because all i could think of is the calm before the storm. Fortunately, my mom got up and came over to me and gave me the biggest hug she had ever given me and told me that she loves me no matter what and that as long as I was happy, that's all that mattered. I told my parents and sister that I would not talk about it or flaunt it in front of them. If they wanted to talk about it, I would be more than happy to talk with them. After about an hour or so, my dad finally said, "Son, this is a lot to take in. It will take some time for me." I replied, "Dad, I know. I just wanted you, mom and my sister to know because it has been eating me up inside for quite a long time." I also told them that, "I totally understand what you all are thinking and I still will leave, if that's what you want." My dad stated, "NO, you dont have to leave if you dont want to." Anyway, after I told them, I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. It will be 2 years in may that I told them. In these two years, I have become closer to my parents than I ever have been. I gotta laugh now because everytime I go visit them and get ready to leave, my dad busts his ass to get to me and give me a big hug and says, "I love you boy!" I would never have thought my dad would act like this. I just knew he was going to tell me to get the F@#$ out and never come back. I know every parent is different but, I wish everyone could have a happy or somewhat happy ending to this situation. The least I can say is GOOD LUCK to everyone who comes out to their parents and friends. I know what you guys are feeling and thinking. I and many other guys have been down that exact road. BEST WISHES TO EVERYONE!!! LOVE YOU GUYS

 

[Scottyboi]

Dad still doesn't and he's known for over a year and a half

Majority of his side of te family still thinks "He's just exploring, its natural in college"

My mom originally wanted to send me to a shrink when she found out in 07, I feel like its only been within the last 5 months she's finally come to terms with it and I've even discussed guys I'm dating with her.

Tried with my dad, even mentioned that the guy I was seeing hunted (thought that would get his approval) but he quickly changed the subject.


I bring this up for two reasons: In the last 10 years since I found out I liked guys I quickly grew apart from my parents to where it reached a point that I flat out would tell my mother "Get to know the son you have and not this idealized mental image you have or else you'll lose me"

My mom struggled with it and now I have a relationship with her where we can talk about this stuff but it took her 4 years.

My dad? maybe in time but I wouldn't be on it. I'm comfortable with the idea that he doesn't want to really be a part of my life. Simply keep in touch now and then (he cares, just doesn't want to be involved).

So yeah, its really up to your parents and not you whether they want to get to know the son they have. Not much you can do about it sadly.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Thanks, sixthson, racer2438, Scottyboi, and Rob35 (Although, I have no idea what you were rambling on about [Though if I were to guess all you were trying to say is that your coming out experience went smoothly- That you really had no reason to worry], though I am already out, but thanks for the love and the story.)

@sixthson, thanks for the feedback and advice- Me dating is the first time I actually did something for myself. I always tend to put others first before myself. =\
I had a talk with the parents today (Me saying that they just don't understand what I am trying to say, and them saying the same) though what it ideally boiled down to was my mom said she could care less about me being gay (Which, I don't think it's entirely true). She's just not ready to handle it from a business pov (Doesn't want to loose customers). So, she rather people not know. She said she's not to that place yet. My dad doesn't say much. So I have no idea where he stands on it all.

She says her issues are only that she's a private person and that she doesn't want me to sharing aspects of our family life.- I really don't know how to accomplish something like that since I am in a relationship, and my family is still a part of my life.- I would find this easy if it were just friends or acquaintances, but that's not that case. I also think it could be considered a bit unreasonable. She didn't have any advice besides just don't do it.

Also, she went on about how I think my boyfriends family knows best. Which isn't true, I find them to be respectable people. Although, I don't feel as if I am sculpting my life around their mindset. I talked about looking for jobs before, and his mom offered to ask around for me- I didn't see any harm in it. (I really do want to work) && Just other things, that she amounts to much more then reality, or maybe I am just narrow minded.

I told her that I didn't mind sharing my life- I just didn't want to be put down or insulted for doing so later on.

So, I guess, things are good for now, I'm too drained when dealing with this stuff (It's typically why I have straight guy friends, less drama)- I got to vent about all the things that were bothering me, and she vented about things that I have no idea how to address or solve.

&& I have just started looking into grad school, although it's fucking expensive. I'm going to be a poor mother fucker by the time I am done if I do decide on just sucking it up and going for the 2 yrs.- Any sugar daddy's out there? I can cook, clean, shoot a gun, also very handy

 

[JB3]

Thanks, sixthson, racer2438, Scottyboi, and Rob35 (Although, I have no idea what you were rambling on about [Though if I were to guess all you were trying to say is that your coming out experience went smoothly- That you really had no reason to worry], though I am already out, but thanks for the love and the story.)

@sixthson, thanks for the feedback and advice- Me dating is the first time I actually did something for myself. I always tend to put others first before myself. =
I had a talk with the parents today (Me saying that they just don't understand what I am trying to say, and them saying the same) though what it ideally boiled down to was my mom said she could care less about me being gay (Which, I don't think it's entirely true). She's just not ready to handle it from a business pov (Doesn't want to loose customers). So, she rather people not know. She said she's not to that place yet. My dad doesn't say much. So I have no idea where he stands on it all.

She says her issues are only that she's a private person and that she doesn't want me to sharing aspects of our family life.- I really don't know how to accomplish something like that since I am in a relationship, and my family is still a part of my life.- I would find this easy if it were just friends or acquaintances, but that's not that case. I also think it could be considered a bit unreasonable. She didn't have any advice besides just don't do it.

Also, she went on about how I think my boyfriends family knows best. Which isn't true, I find them to be respectable people. Although, I don't feel as if I am sculpting my life around their mindset. I talked about looking for jobs before, and his mom offered to ask around for me- I didn't see any harm in it. (I really do want to work) && Just other things, that she amounts to much more then reality, or maybe I am just narrow minded.

I told her that I didn't mind sharing my life- I just didn't want to be put down or insulted for doing so later on.

So, I guess, things are good for now, I'm too drained when dealing with this stuff (It's typically why I have straight guy friends, less drama)- I got to vent about all the things that were bothering me, and she vented about things that I have no idea how to address or solve.

&& I have just started looking into grad school, although it's fucking expensive. I'm going to be a poor mother fucker by the time I am done if I do decide on just sucking it up and going for the 2 yrs.- Any sugar daddy's out there? I can cook, clean, shoot a gun, also very handy

That's a tough one. On the one hand, I totally understand where she's coming from. There are still a lot of homophobic people out there.

On the other hand (and this is on the side that I would take); if there are people that would not do business with her because you're gay, are they really worth having as customers? Does she understand what she's asking of you? When I came out, one of the first things my parents told me was that ALL of that was up to me. They would never ask me to hide it, nor would they tell anyone unless I said it was okay.

Frankly, its your life. Live it as you see fit. Although I understand her point of view, she has no business asking you to do this. Despite the fact that you're living with them now, you're an adult. You have the right to tell whoever you want, whenever you want.

 

[landers]

My mom and I went through something similar when I moved out. She told everyone she was happy about it but in private, we ended up screaming at each other. The good news is that although things got worse, they did get better. Hopefully they will for you too.

 

[Keelandson]

It could be from 1 day to never. It depends on there moral values of whether they accept it or not.

I don't care for the "moral values" terminology; using it legitimizes the Neanderthals' lie that being gay is immoral. It has no more legitimacy than a bigot equating skin colour with morality.

 

[Nomenclature]

Most of us find out at around the time of puberty (or a little before), and it takes us into our adulthood to come to terms with it.

Reasonably, I say to give your parents about ten years.

 

[Ninja108]

It all depends on the parents.
Some are supportive (like mine were) from day one. Others it takes time for them to adjust, sometimes a few months, sometimes a couple of years.
And other parents...will shun their child until the day they die.