How long would you stay with someone you don't love?

[TickTockMan]

If you were dating someone and it had not got to the love stage, how long would you stay with them to see if the spark would be there?

 

[Seasoned]

Is this currently going on with you? If pressed, I'd probably state that the "spark" is what causes people to stay for sure. There are other considerations, including settling, guilt, fear, pity and security, but I need the spark. However, if it's just the spark without much else, be prepared to be looking for a new one when the current one wanes.

Life's short; don't settle. A relationship without the spark is friendship.

 

[TickTockMan]

Is this currently going on with you?

Just curious.

 

[KölnElch]

I speak out of theory (as this is also a theoretic question), as I didn't have a relationship yet:
I think I would stay with someone without being in love. The requirements would be that I feel well with him, that I trust him.
As I don't want to knowingly play with anyone's feelings, I'd make it perfectly clear to him that I'm not in love, but that I just enjoy being with him. If that's ok for him, it would be enough for me to justify staying together.

 

[jaysizzles]

The "spark" or immediate attraction would have to be within the first 3 dates or so. If there is mutual attraction and compatibility...something to build upon, then actual "love" may take a few months or more to fully develop. I think a lot of people confuse lust or infatuation with love. I won't dispute that some have that instant love at first sight thing though, but that's not me...I'm too pragmatic and cautious.

 

[HorndogPaul]

Well there had to be some general "spark" of interest or you wouldn't be dating in the first place. However, to get the relationship to the next stage I would say 2-3 months. Usually you can tell early (in my opinion) if there is potential for a relationship to be more long term or if you are better off as just friends.

 

[eastofeden]

I wouldn't stay with him after one date. I am completely honest with any guy I have sex with or "date" if you want to call it that...and I also know immediately if "it" is there...or not. I think it might be both my best and worst quality.

I suppose some people can "learn to love" someone from what I have gathered from other people over the course of my life...I am not one of them. I know instantly when I meet someone....

So...the question is..are you one of the people who can learn to love someone...or not?

 

[hangten]

From my experience, if the spark is not there on the first date...then it's not there. A romantic love could not develop without a spark. A fire could not be ignited without a spark.

It would not be fair to my date to be strung along while I'm looking for a spark in someone else.

If I'm already in a relationship and have exercised all options to save our love and failed, I would not stay together any longer than a week. That should give me enough time to look for a new place to move into.

 

[TX-Beau]

I've been in love four times in my life, each time there was immediate spark, but with one of them it was irritation that got under my skin until I realized it was actually attraction - he was entirely incompatible with me personality-wise but damn was he hot.

I think that for me there has to be that initial reaction, I've tried to "grow to love" but it never worked out. I need that immediate chemistry.

That said, we're all different, i suspect there are plenty of people who are able to get there another way.

How long should you wait? Generally for me, when I started to get bored, as in no more anticipation, no more rearranging to accommodate him, no more wondering what he's up to, then it was time to walk.

Of course there are plenty of other more spectacular ways for things to finish.

 

[aaggii]

I agree with some responses here, you have to feel something from the start, if we both get bored easily, it´s time to stop.

 

[tarallucci]

Not long. It hasn't taken me more than a few days after the first date. I didn't want to disappoint them but I eventually did. When you cannot find the words, the feelings show anyway. It's better to be honest from the beginning.

 

[kallipolis]

Shitheads usually make good fucks, but not good lovers, for they are too busy looking for their next fuck with a new body....but they often provide us with that "spark" that encourages us to want more.

A long term, sustainable loving relationship needs time, and patience to grow, and flourish...that's been my experience with my lovers, over many years. The first left to live in Germany. The second died. The third married, and fathered two children....to return to me, after his wife divorced him...guess why...I politely informed him that I had moved on with my life....The fourth remains my heart's delight, after four years...

The "spark" that is being referenced here might well be the catalyst of ones determination to grow a loving relationship with a new "beau"...based upon a chemical attraction....but that sexual appeal will not last, should there not be an attraction to the total person...

 

[eastofeden]

Shitheads usually make good fucks, but not good lovers, for they are too busy looking for their next fuck with a new body....but they often provide us with that "spark" that encourages us to want more.

A long term, sustainable loving relationship needs time, and patience to grow, and flourish...that's been my experience with my lovers, over many years. The first left to live in Germany. The second died. The third married, and fathered two children....to return to me, after his wife divorced him...guess why...I politely informed him that I had moved on with my life....The fourth remains my heart's delight, after four years...

The "spark" that is being referenced here might well be the catalyst of ones determination to grow a loving relationship with a new "beau"...based upon a chemical attraction....but that sexual appeal will not last, should there not be an attraction to the total person...

That "spark" I mentioned has resulted in 30 happy years with the man I love....and I was a slut when I met him but have been monogamous since....

 

[kallipolis]

That "spark" I mentioned has resulted in 30 happy years with the man I love....and I was a slut when I met him but have been monogamous since....

and to quote my words,

but that sexual appeal will not last, should there not be an attraction to the total person...

Clearly your relationship evidences this fact of life....

 

[TX-Beau]

I met my guy when we were both 19 - the "sexual appeal" hasn't stopped yet. I suspect he'll still give me boners until I can't get it up NO MO!

 

[kallipolis]

I met my guy when we were both 19 - the "sexual appeal" hasn't stopped yet. I suspect he'll still give me boners until I can't get it up NO MO!

Now back to another re-run of "I love Lucy."

 

[gaysian85]

I'd probably stay for as long as he is interested in me still. I'm pretty desperate for a relationship at this point that I'll do almost anything to make sure the guy still likes me after two weeks. I'm that lonely....

 

[Kyanimal]

I think a better question might be, "How long would you stay with someone you're no longer "In Love" with, but still Love?"

O.K., that's influenced by my own situation ...

33 years ago I hooked up with "My Kev". I was 32, he was 25. Not only were there "Sparks", there were "Fireworks", "Earthquakes", and "Sheer, Unabashed, Astonishment"!! WOW!!!

Since then? We've been through SO much "stuff", both Good and Bad, that JUB doesn't have enough storage capacity to tell the entire story!

However, as many relationships mature, and given our 7yr. age difference, we tended to drift apart, following our divergent interests, to the point of living in the same house, but leading different lives, no longer interacting all that much, going our own separate ways.

Due to some Very Stupid choices, on his part, "My Kev" is currently a "Guest" of The State, and I find myself living alone, for a currently undefined time.

I've had some folks advise me I should just "cut him loose", and get on with my life.

There's no way I can do that, though.

I can honestly say we somehow drifted away from being "In Love" some time ago. However, given all of our History together, we still do Love, and care for, each other. There's NO WAY I'd even think of abandoning him Now!

When he's finally released, whenever that might be, I will not hesitate to take him "back", and do my best to forge a brighter future for both of us, whatever that might entail.

Perhaps this "Enforced Break" will turn out to be a "Good Thing". I do know we're no longer taking each other for granted anymore. This has be a "Wake Up" call!

I suppose, all the more reasons to ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[kallipolis]

However, given all of our History together, we still do Love, and care for, each other. There's NO WAY I'd even think of abandoning him Now!

Another life long, love story...noteworthy...

 

[mcbrion]

I did that once in my life: stayed with a guy I hoped I could love, but he was just too prissy, and would be the equivalent of a "princess"-type guy. I even did therapy with him, but it didn't help. I wanted a guy, not a princess. And I stayed nearly 4 years. I didn't like myself for taking up so much of his life. I might have realized it sooner, but i was caring for a mother with Alzheimer's, and in situations like that, half the time you're thinking of your parent (I lived with mine, so I was the primary caretaker), and it can be quite confusing.
Don't stay and use up someone's Life Force if you don't feel you're falling in love. Just say, I care for you, but it doesn't seem to be growing into more than that.