How often should sex be expected in a relationship?

[ncboy85]

I seem to have the opposite problem of most..my relationship is great, have a wonderful man that I share a lot of good times with and has great personality and character...but the thing that is missing the most from him is sex, intimacy, and to some degree showing affection and feelings.

It frustrates me because I don't think my sex drive is that high compared to most men, once a week would be enough to make me happy. We've been together 7 months, are in our late 20s, live in the same city and see each other at least twice a week, and it's the first serious LTR for both of us. Apparently he masturbates several times a week, and have had conversations about things we'd like to do sexually, but I have to practically beg to initiate anything and when it does happen it usually doesn't go past cuddling and maybe him receiving oral. So we're on opposite ends, he thinks I am "needy" and almost seems to think it's a joke that I want sex on a regular basis, and I think he's either a prude or just doesn't have the sexual attraction for me or I am not doing something right.

Those that are or have been in relationships...I know this varies for everyone but is it fair for me to want more here? Or do most guys tend to not really need sex all that much to have a good relationship? To me intimacy is very important and fulfilling, I already have everything else I want in him so having that little bit extra would satisfy me. And how often on average do you have any kind of sex with your partner? Just want to get an idea...

 

[treeri]

he masturbates several times a week

Rather than asking him to stop, tell him how you feel about his masturbation and how it affects your sex life.
i.e. lacking

And you're right, it does vary. I can masturbate 3-4x a day and still have sex lol.
Try to spice it up? When you're making out lead it to an activity other than sex: wrestling, massaging, or tickling if he has any sensitive spots! Just be playful. Maybe go on a run together and follow up with showering -> sex. From personal experience this is great! There's nothing like your boyfriend (well... my ex now) with his man sweat


I was seeing a guy I was infatuated with last year and we saw each other almost every day (very rarely less than 5 days/week). The first thing we would do is have sex and the following morning it would be sex again. I ended it a month after and about 4 months later I entered in what I believed was a serious relationship. I liked this guy for what he was and it wasn't about sex. We would meet every day without fail and sex would be 2 or 3x a week? It was surprising because I was satisfied by being affectionate/intimate without sex and I rarely masturbated.


If I may ask though, why don't you see your bf frequently (more than 2x/week)?

 

[ncboy85]

We have done the wrestling/playfulness some before, it can help but usually those are the times when we know we are gonna have sex anyway. Most of the time we hang out and go to eat, watch a show, hang out with friends, or something like that. I don't see him more than 2, sometimes 3 times a week because we both have very busy work lives, he is a teacher and the time not spent at work is consumed by grading, responding to emails, looking for better jobs, etc. We have discussed this and we are fine with the amount of times we meet...to me it's more about making the most of those opportunities we get. We talk or text on a daily basis. Yes I have communicated some with him about the sex and how I feel it's lacking and him getting off less by himself could help that, but it just doesn't seem to be getting through because that's how he's always been even with guys before me. My baby is a work in progress lol, but I'm only gonna put up with it for so long

 

[Rolyo85]

Incompatibility of sex drives is one of those things that sadly can't be worked around if they're too different. And unfortunately, that's a thing that kills a relationship. You need what you need and he isn't willing to give it to you. And for the record - your sex drive is actually on the lower side of average if you're fine with once a week. I'm an "at least once a day, not counting masturbation" kind of guy and I wouldn't last a month with someone who wants to do nothing physically, even cuddling.

Find out if it's a problem, or if he just doesn't need sexual activity, and if it's the latter (or the problem is insurmountable), cut your losses because that's a problem that doesn't get fixed.

 

[Seasoned]

It's important that you're able to have an open in depth discussion with him about sexuality. This might go far beyond sex drive. If he's masturbating he obviously needs/wants sex. He may have hang ups regarding sex with another person (for any number of reasons) or he may find it quicker or cleaner or whatever to masturbate alone.

One word in your thread title stood out for me, "expected." That might be part of the problem. If two people have a set pattern of sexual activity either might "expect" a certain frequency for sex. When my husband and I got together it was after I lived a lifetime of trying to be straight and meeting him and moving in together felt like I arrived at an oasis in the middle of the desert. I "expected" daily sex. My new boyfriend, now husband, had a high sex drive, after all. The problem was I "expected" it rather than cultivated a sexual or sensuous atmosphere.

So while you can wonder what might be a reasonable frequency in actuality it varies from never to several times a day depending on the couple, but, as I've stated, unless you're on the same exact page, a partner might require romance and sensuality. It's wrong to think that everyone will get ready for bed, jump in, make out and then go at it in an automatic way.

In short, what I'm saying is get him to be honest about any hang ups or reservations and then be willing to romance him out of his pants. If this gets you nowhere you'll probably want to break up due to incompatibility.

 

[jensu846]

is he getting it from somewhere/someone else? sorry, but that was my first thought.

 

[Orlandude]

IMO...in a relationship, sex is an extension of the deep feelings you have for each other, not an expected or pre-planned activity. It happens spontaneously and, in my experience, often. No offense but...it sounds too much like you're hanging out with a trick, not a partner. The absence of feelings, intimacy and affection is troubling. In fairness, he may simply not be an affectionate type person. Many people aren't. Speaking for myself, I can't co-exist with a partner who is non-affectionate and/or not responsive to intimacy. That doesn't mean there has to be constant clingy-ness or drooling over each other at every turn. It should be a natural give and take. I had a relationship like that until I realized we were better off just friends, not partners in a relationship. And we are. That may be who he is and you would need to do some soul-searching if that is the case. If he is not fulfilling your needs now, that doesn't bode well in the long term. 50% of relationship problems start in the bedroom.

 

[sixthson]

You sound more like friends than lovers. Something is wrong in your relationship when you have to beg for sex and in return you get cuddling and you service him. That is neither love nor sex. You've been together 7 months. Imagine what it will be like in 7 years if you don't resolve this now.

Couples in love should make lots of love. Just my opinion.

 

[ncboy85]

Thanks for all the great responses, let me take these one at a time. I don't "expect" sex on any particular routine but I do expect it on a much more regular basis than I am getting it is the best way to put that. No, he is definitely not messing around or getting it from somewhere else..he gets off by jacking off alone. Yes, sex should happen spontaneously but there are times when it has to be prepared a little ahead of time...he is a top and if I am going to bottom I need to know this so I can prepare..I have prepared when horny before and get to him and he's just "not in the mood" or coming up with excuses and it feels like such a waste of my time.

To those who are mentioning the friendship more than relationship...we have been struggling with that. We broke up about a month ago because he said he didn't have strong feelings or chemistry, and that we had a great friendship but just not a great relationship and it broke my heart. Two weeks later, he wanted me back and said he did feel love for me but had always struggled with suppressing such feelings for people. Because I love him more than anyone I have ever been with and he is a genuine guy I took him back. As I said this is the first long term relationship for either of us. But now I see how he felt, I may have to be the one who initiates the breakup this time if the affection and intimacy can't be figured out. I guess we will just have to talk about it more and if this can't be worked out soon it will be best to just continue as friends before we do damage to our great friendship. I'm not perfect and have things to work on too but his time is running out.

 

[ryanboy]

Sex is one thing; affection and intimacy is something else and the more important aspect of any relationship. If your'e not getting affection and intimacy it's not worth keeping the relationship. He's getting plenty of sex through masturbation and apparently that's enough for him. You're not getting anything!! Sorry but you should move on. He's needs lots of therapy and by the time he's OK you'll be too old to care. I know I sound harsh but it's time to cut your losses.

 

[eastofeden]

It all really depends on what you as an individual is willing to settle for. Healthy communication is the key to any relationship and my opinion is that if he masturbates constantly you have a problem on your hands...and it could be a bigger problem as time goes on. Dismissing your concern as "too needy" is not my definition of healthy communication.....are you OK with that response from him?

I don't want to alarm you but since you specifically asked... we have been together 27 years and we entered the tantric sex phase a few years ago so maybe 2-3 times a week now but it (sex) was almost everyday for many many years. I don't know if that would be normal for you or anyone else but it was normal for me. I also did not sacrifice intimacy...the opposite in fact. Intimacy and affection are very much a part of our relationship.

May I ask...have you ever asked him about what he masturbates to or asked him to share his fantasies with you? Maybe if you join him in his fantasy it will help break whatever wall he has down.

 

[racer2438]

You both need to communicate MORE, and wanting more is not asking too much. but a good sit down talk about both ur wants/needs from each other is in order.

My honey and I have sex at least 1 day, from either a Bj, Jo, or longer fuck session. And some up to 2x's a day, if we are sick or something we'll take a break for that period, buts that's the only thing that stops us..and or sex life is so much better now than when we met cuz we opened up to each others desires and experimentation and have a lot of fun.

 

[dragon08]

When I'm dating someone I really don't masturbate even if we aren't having sex daily. I think it's one thing that he might not want sex, for all we know he might want to have as little as possible until a form of marriage. I know that's kinda rare in the gay culture but I think it could still happen.

I think he definitely has a sex drive, if he didn't he wouldn't masturbate. Perhaps he's just had really bad sex before and thinks that it isn't as good. I feel like this guy has a problem.

Another issue that I see is the intimacy thing. I think i could live without having sex but if he isn't going to be intimate with you than what is the point of being in a relationship with him. You could be friends with anyone, and you can get a fuck buddy. A boyfriend is someone that you care about and that shows that they care for you.

You have needs that aren't being met, and if they don't become a higher priority in the near future, I don't think that this relationship will function whatsoever. Try to talk to him and try to get to why he isn't having sex with you.

Either he has a serious problem that he needs your and possibly a professionals help with, or you guys just really don't match up vibes.

 

[tangential]

... Because I love him more than anyone I have ever been with and he is a genuine guy I took him back. As I said this is the first long term relationship for either of us. But now I see how he felt, I may have to be the one who initiates the breakup this time if the affection and intimacy can't be figured out. I guess we will just have to talk about it more and if this can't be worked out soon it will be best to just continue as friends before we do damage to our great friendship. I'm not perfect and have things to work on too but his time is running out.

As you said this is the first serious relationship for either of you, I'd be cautious about conflating what you'd love to be for the love between you. And that's not meant to knock what you guys have, but if feels so pressing to call it at seven months, you might ask yourself why you're not just friends with a lovely past.

 

[Ninja108]

We have sex almost every day if possible. To me the bigger issue isn't how often you have it but the fact he doesn't seem intrested in having any kind of sex with you.
That's a red flag to me.

 

[ncboy85]

So update time...we broke up again a week ago. We were together three weeks this time, and I feel like we tried to work on the problems but just wasn't meant to be. Even had one night of what we both consider to be the best sex we've had with each other. But basically as I was happy with everything but the lack of intimacy, he dropped a bomb on me that he was going through the same things as last time we broke up. He explained it more than just "lack of chemistry" this time...he said I didn't give him the "spark" that he felt he needed for frequent intimacy, and it's something he had felt before with other guys and it just wasn't happening between us. It was kind of like sex was going through the motions for him, instead of an intimate expression of love. I'm glad he at least was able to pinpoint the problem better, and that we broke up when we did because we didn't do any more damage to our friendship. But this time I am absolutely not taking him back, I can do so much better and find someone who gives me everything I need in a relationship and let him find whatever it is he's looking for