how real is gaydar?

[refujiunderground]

i know some of you may or may not believe that it exists but as a guy that has pretty much been in the closet for almost all my life, i've had many gay guys prey on me as if they just knew i was gay. i never told them anything and during that time, i wasn't even trying to acknowledge that i probably was gay and was in complete denial about it.

looking back on all the incidents, i felt incredibly uncomfortable and felt like i was being outed. also, it wasn't like these guys just stepped up to me and asked "are you gay?" it was more like "i want to be your boyfriend, i want to have sex with you", "i know you're gay so when are you going to come out the closet so i can be with you" and stuff of that nature. it was like they were 100 percent sure i was to the point where they were trying to force me to admit it. they were basically forcing me out the closet. they were pretty much throwing themselves at me like "you're going to be my boyfriend, i want to have sex with you" and etc. hell, it was like they pushed me further into the closet by doing what they did.

but all that just made me wonder how the hell did these guys know that i was gay? i feel to myself that i'm really masculine, straight acting. i don't look gay nor do i sound gay. i don't have any mannerisms that imply that but somehow, someway these people just knew.

 

[bi-4u2]

I once had a friend who i was completely convinced he was gay, so much so i even came out to him hoping to get a response. No, actually i'm still fairly sure he is gay but just wont come out the closet.

It might not be something you portray but sometime we a gay guy can just think you are and go after you.

 

[geloge]

Mine doesn't work... at all!

I had to look to your orientation to know you were gay and still I'm not sure

 

[jensu846]

I assume every guy is gay til they prove me otherwise.

 

[MisterMajestic]

but all that just made me wonder how the hell did these guys know that i was gay? i feel to myself that i'm really masculine, straight acting. i don't look gay nor do i sound gay. i don't have any mannerisms that imply that but somehow, someway these people just knew.

Show us a pic so we can see if your Gayness pops-out...Then delete the pic within 24hrs...

 

[IowaGuy]

Sometimes it's as easy as a look ......... a glance that lasts more than a few seconds.

 

[refujiunderground]

Show us a pic so we can see if your Gayness pops-out...Then delete the pic within 24hrs...

sorry, no.

 

[Ganoderma]

Hi Refujiunderground,

I feel very sorry that you had so many awkward experiences with these impolite (or even rude?) gay guys. Please don't think that all gays are like that.

I tend to think that your question will only be solved when you would discuss this with open gays in face-to-face contacts. So in the real world, and by talking with other gays. I mean, these guys (and be aware, there are loads of very friendly and kind gays) will be able to tell you if their gaydar is identifiying you (or not).

Besides that, it seems also likely that these gays will be able to tell you more about the details of you (=your general behaviour sl) that give them the clue that its highly likely that you must be a gay.

So I tend to think that people over here will indeed be unable to give really good advise, even from a photo of you.

Do you already have some gay friends?

Best wishes, and feel free to ask more questions.

Take care
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By the way, I was a bit wondering why you had so many awkward experiences with gays. I mean, you are totally / deep closeted, but how comes you were so often in this kind of situations? Are you working / living / schooling in an area with alot of gays?

 

[MoltenRock III]

I can walk into a str8 bar and with a few minutes glance tell within 80% if another guy is gay or not. Upon introducing myself to him, and spending 5 minutes or so, my gaydar increases to about 98% accurate.

So often people in the closet, (myself included back then) think they are the epitome of "masculinity" and "str8 acting", when in fact no, sorry.

The sooner you embrace your sexuality the happier, more free, and emotionally healthier you'll be.

Welcome to JUB!

 

[refujiunderground]

Hi Refujiunderground,

I feel very sorry that you had so many awkward experiences with these impolite (or even rude?) gay guys. Please don't think that all gays are like that.

I tend to think that your question will only be solved when you would discuss this with open gays in face-to-face contacts. So in the real world, and by talking with other gays. I mean, these guys (and be aware, there are loads of very friendly and kind gays) will be able to tell you if their gaydar is identifiying you (or not).

Besides that, it seems also likely that these gays will be able to tell you more about the details of you (=your general behaviour sl) that give them the clue that its highly likely that you must be a gay.

So I tend to think that people over here will indeed be unable to give really good advise, even from a photo of you.

Do you already have some gay friends?

Best wishes, and feel free to ask more questions.

Take care
-------------------------------------------------------------------
By the way, I was a bit wondering why you had so many awkward experiences with gays. I mean, you are totally / deep closeted, but how comes you were so often in this kind of situations? Are you working / living / schooling in an area with alot of gays?

i don't think those guys were being rude but were rather going after what they were interested in. i probably needed that to snap me back into reality because i was living a lie telling myself that i was straight and for a good while, i believed it too.

i have no gay friends at least that i know of. who knows, one of my friends is probably in the closet just like me.

the situations don't happen often given the time and space they have occurred. i set some gay guy's radar off and he was on my case. he even brought his friend around i guess to see if his gaydar went off with me. i know they came around for a reason. another incident happened on the subway in mid september where this guy who had his back turned towards me suddenly turned around and started staring at me like he was accessing me. i was with my friend and him and me were talking about wrestling. this guy which was standing across from us just starts looking at me and something just told me that his gaydar went off. maybe i'm just being paranoid but the way dude was acting just seemed strange. i can go on. i'm setting some these people's gaydars off. either that or i'm just being paranoid.

and i don't live around an area with much gay people or at least that i know of.

Is it even PC for a person to acknowlege that they have gaydar? Or comment on "gayface" or "gayvoice"?

I don't know what it is but I can just tell when a guy is gay most of the time. My "gaydar" is fairly accurate but I notice that when I am trying to assess men from other cultures it gets to be a bit more difficult. So on some level I think a lot of this "gaydar" stuff has to do with spotting the stereotypical signs of gayness that we've been exposed to throughout our lives.

But then I've come across some articles about studies saying that "gayface" and "gayvoice" are real phenomena. *shrug*

well, i agree with you on that but i seriously believe after all those incidents, that gaydar really does exist. i'm not even one attractive, good looking, standoutish or whatever. i know this because no one has told me that i'm hot, cute, sexy, or any of that shit nor has let me know any of that shit. i don't have girls or guys stepping up to me trying to get my number, flirting with me, staring me down or whatever as if they want to be with me. my photo doesn't generate any positive comments either so that says everything right there.

 

[healingduck]

Its the same concept as woman's intuition.

 

[Ganoderma]

i don't think those guys were being rude but were rather going after what they were interested in. i probably needed that to snap me back into reality because i was living a lie telling myself that i was straight and for a good while, i believed it too.

i have no gay friends at least that i know of. who knows, one of my friends is probably in the closet just like me.

the situations don't happen often given the time and space they have occurred. i set some gay guy's radar off and he was on my case. he even brought his friend around i guess to see if his gaydar went off with me. i know they came around for a reason. another incident happened on the subway in mid september where this guy who had his back turned towards me suddenly turned around and started staring at me like he was accessing me. i was with my friend and him and me were talking about wrestling. this guy which was standing across from us just starts looking at me and something just told me that his gaydar went off. maybe i'm just being paranoid but the way dude was acting just seemed strange. i can go on. i'm setting some these people's gaydars off. either that or i'm just being paranoid.

and i don't live around an area with much gay people or at least that i know of.

well, i agree with you on that but i seriously believe after all those incidents, that gaydar really does exist. i'm not even one attractive, good looking, standoutish or whatever. i know this because no one has told me that i'm hot, cute, sexy, or any of that shit nor has let me know any of that shit. i don't have girls or guys stepping up to me trying to get my number, flirting with me, staring me down or whatever as if they want to be with me. my photo doesn't generate any positive comments either so that says everything right there.

hi Refujiunderground,

Thanks for your nice and friendly reply and please excuse me for some delay in giving you and answer.

You told us:

and i don't live around an area with much gay people or at least that i know of.

I have no idea where you are living (within the US?), but I am not aware of places on Earth with almost no gay people (GLBT people).

You told us that you -often- use the subway, and that indicates that you are living in an urban area. Towards my opinion, it is very likely that at least a few gay males will be present in any subway amongst any random group of 100 males (including yourself) who are using these subway for transport. Gay males are everywhere, and surely also in areas where you are.

Gays 'checking' you. and afterwards trying to make contact with you means that at least some gays find you 'attractive', whatever you might think of yourself. Be aware that these guys don't need to ask you for a favor. They only want to be in contact with you, because they are attracted to you. Besides that, there are loads of ways how guys (and girls) can 'flirt' with you. Flirting can also be very, very subtle. Do you ever flirt with other guys?

I would like to give you the advise to go on with accepting to yourself that your sexual orientation is leaning strongly towards males. You might call yourself gay, but you don't need to put a label on yourself, if you feel uncomfortable with this. On the other hand, you should try and don't worrry too much about these kind of labels. You might try and find some gay friends / gay aquiantances to discuss more about these items.

Any idea what might happen with your straight friend when he will realize himself that 'these gays in the subway' were right? Any reason why you should not be able anymore to discuss any items about wrestling (or any other topic) when this friend knows u r gay / likes males? Is he a homophobe (or a reli-fundi)?

The large majority of people don't agree with you that gaydar does not exist. Ofcourse, it is a cultural item, and gaydar is no proof that a guy is gay. but do you really believe that gaydar is non existing in let say the US society?

Take care and feel free to ask more questions.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Mine works pretty well, but only in my own familiar culture.
In Buenos Aires it did very little.

 

[Rex]

Usually it's pretty obvious by someone's mannerisms and how they carry themselves. The gay men who truly are masculine (not just in their minds) are harder to tell.

 

[rareboy]

I can spot gay from outer space,

 

[maxpowr9]

I can walk into a str8 bar and with a few minutes glance tell within 80% if another guy is gay or not. Upon introducing myself to him, and spending 5 minutes or so, my gaydar increases to about 98% accurate.

So often people in the closet, (myself included back then) think they are the epitome of "masculinity" and "str8 acting", when in fact no, sorry.

The sooner you embrace your sexuality the happier, more free, and emotionally healthier you'll be.

Welcome to JUB!

I'm the same way. However, I know when you say "glance" you really mean "undressing them with your eyes".

 

[MoltenRock III]

Usually it's pretty obvious by someone's mannerisms and how they carry themselves. The gay men who truly are masculine (not just in their minds) are harder to tell.

No they're not. They are quite easy to spot.

I'm the same way. However, I know when you say "glance" you really mean "undressing them with your eyes".

Tomato / tomatoe.

 

[Rex]

So what signs do you look for Molten Rock and what makes you so sure? How was it confirmed that you were correct?

 

[menRsexii]

^ I would like to know this too... I wish I had a good gaydar. Is there any way to improve it?

 

[maxpowr9]

It's called intuition. Taking the psychological approach to things; as an INTJ, the following paragraph is the best I could find to describe intuition eloquently...

Ni (Introverted Intuition) has a certain magical quality to it. To INJs and outsiders alike, it can seem somehow magical or supernatural. In fact, it is not unusual for INJs to be viewed as having some degree of psychic or prophetic abilities...Despite its magical appearance, Ni can be understood on a rational basis. What seems to be occurring is that many INJs have a highly sensitive inferior function, Extraverted Sensation (Se), which gathers copious amounts of sensory information from the outside world, including subtleties that other personality types tend to miss. Their Ni then subconsciously processes this data in order to make sense of it, like assembling pieces of a puzzle. Once finished, Ni generates an impression that seems to come out of “nowhere.” But the fact is that the intuition did not come out of nowhere, but from a synthesis of sensory data gathered from the immediate environment combined with information from the INJ’s own psyche.

No, you can't be taught intuition: you either have it or you don't.

Sorry for such a long-winded response to such a short question.