how should I come out

[keefersweeper]

hello people i have been wanting, for so long to be able to be out. in a nutshell i am just scarred to death about the whole idea, its hard growing up gay in a small southern town, it really puts a stopper on things having two ministers for parents as well, though dont get me wrong its not my parents that im worried about they are great parents, best in the world as far as i care. im sure my dad knows as he found all my gay porn on the computer when i was like 13 (so lame) my dad often reminds me that he will always love me even if i am gay and that he just wants me to be honest with myself. its my friends that im worried about i dont handle rejection very well and there are some sick people around these parts just last summer a kid at a school one district over was beaten until dead because he was gay, there are 3 dudes at my school who are out and their lives are not by any means easy either people are so cruel, and it breaks my heart because i feel like a total prick bastard for just laying low... like if i came out it might be a little better for them but idk... every time i try to come out i always puss out at the last second even to go so far as to say "i need to tell you something" create an uncomfortable pause then follow up with a "never mind" or something totally idiotic like "crack kills" or something like that. i have been dropping huge clues lately as i am sick of it all. i just want to be able to be a real person and not have to hide anything. im sick of being lonely, never had a boyfriend, never kissed a guy, never held hands or loved someone that felt the same about me.
sorry to ramble on like that, just felt good to say some of this stuff to someone.
i am ready, i just dont know how

 

[Centexfarmer]

Coming out is a process. You're already out to yourself, and that's really the first and biggest step. Congratulations for that!

As to who you come out to from there is should really depend upon the relevance those individuals have in your life.

Rural America is still my no means a safe place to be "out" in.

When I lived and worked in the city I was out to family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, whoever it just didn't matter.

Now that I live deep in rural Texas, I'm back in the closet. Most of that was at the urging of family and friends. It's more of a "safety issue."

I think your next step is to find someone close to you that you trust, and come out that way. At least you'll have shared a part of yourself that someone that you trust can no know about you.

Your classmates, who are already out, and being publicly ridiculed might be some people that you could friend in the process. There are strengths in numbers.

And without even having to come out to them yourself, you'll at least made some "Gay" friends, and perhaps that could help you with the coming out process where you live.

I acknowledge that it's never easy, and it can be downright frightening, but that's what makes it all the more liberating when you do finally come out, and live your life under your terms instead of everyone else's terms or expectations.

If nothing else, you can always continue to come here to JUB and be as Gay as you want!

 

[trikky]

hey man, congrats on getting this far. I think your best option is your Dad. He already has told you he is cool with it and wants you to be honest with yourself etc so it won't be a surprise and sounds like if anything it may be a relief to him that you can be honest and talk about it with him. Once you've come out to one person it changes everything. The weight you carry disappears and makes things easier after that. Coming out to everyone else that you want to is a matter of your choosing timewise etc. Centex is right though, befriend the gay guys even if your not ready to start coming out at college etc and it will be good for you just being around other gay guys.

 

[keefersweeper]

I've made a terrible mistake

i really think i blew it i tried to come out to my best friend and it did not go so well. but first let me explain our friendship; we have known each other for a few years we met at a party and when we where introduced i got flushed and felt something ive felt only a few times, and from day one we hit it off, we never did anything sexual but to just be around him made me feel more energized and happy. from a birds eye we sure looked like a couple... haha i would always make him buckle his safety belt in the car and he would just playfully refuse and tell me to do it for him which i would always do (i really didn't mind at all) we would fall asleep watching movies together on the couch and would often end up with my head on his lap and him sort of on my stomach. one time when we had been drinking he even tackled me across the side of the couch with one arm around my chest and the other hand gently grasping my neck, and we just stayed in that pose for about 4-5 seconds (the hottest thing that has ever happend to me)

so anyway i guess i just misread all of these signals cause we where riding in the car and i told him and i'll quote "i need to tell you something, but im afraid " and that was all i said and then all he said was "if you're a faggot i don't want to know about it" to which i said "why?" then he just told me to take him home and to not call him anymore, he also took me off of his friendlists from facebook and myspace.

i really don't understand at all

 

[trikky]

awe man I really feel for you. Maybe the fact that you guys had a close emotional friendship makes him feel his sexuality is somehow compromised by this. I'm assuming that you guys are relatively young, and as this is probably the first time anyone has come out to him, he has probably reacted without thinking through how his reactions affect you. I think you probably need to give him some space to process. In the meantime I think you should try your Dad. I think you probably need some support now man, and a positive reaction might help you feel a bit better. Stick with it man and good luck

 

[bokan800]

I'm sorry to hear about your best friend.

Do you have any female friends? Most of the time, female friends (fag hags ) are the most understanding friends you can have. It's hard to find a gay friend or an understanding straight friend (because they are not secure with their sexuality) in a small town.

You need some emotional support, someone you can vent to one-on-one. And of course we are here to listen to you.

 

[keefersweeper]

update

the past couple of days have been more of a revolution for me than the past couple of years. i feel like talking to you guys, even if it is thru an international forum has started something up inside me, pushing me to get real with my (true) friends and family.

as for the guy i posted about earlier im really not even phased anymore. i went out last night had a blast and got wasted and today ive just been in recovery watching movies with some really cool people. time to keep moving forward and never look back i guess.

i have a friend from work who is gay i was thinking that i might come out to him, you know test the waters and get used talking about it. we are not particularly close but we get along and i trust him, he is a good guy.

does this sound like a good idea? please let me know.

and trikky, i will tell my dad and my mom im thinking after christmas, i dont want to make a stressful holiday for them. plus anyway im heading out west on the 26th to spend new years in san francisco. possibly when i get home would be a good time.

 

[TimWhite07]

I jsut read your post and Congrats on getting this far. I have to agree with trikky, you should tell your dad and mom. When i came out, it was not by choice. It was hard, nobody knew. I wish i had told my family, that way atleast when i told someone else and they didnt like it, or what ever, I had someone to comfort me. Someone to talk to. You said that your dad has already told you that he will love you know matter what, so it is just a matter of telling him.

As far as you telling your coworker, If you trust him, i dont see a problem with it. It is another person that you can confide in. Just like if you befriend the other gay guys at your school. You wont have to be alone, they can help you. Like centexfarmer said, there are strength in numbers. Once your classmates see that there are more and more gay guys there, the more they are going to tolorate it. They may not like it, but i dont think that they will mess with you as much.

Hope you great christmas, and a great new years in San Fran.

 

[keefersweeper]

well i couldn't get up with my friend from work but last night was still truly bizarre. i got a phone call from a friend who had moved to the beach for a while but came back trying to chill. i ended up going over to his house and we got to talking (i was going to come out to someone dammit!) and as i was beating around the bush of the issue he came out to me! so i followed suit and told him i was gay then we just talked about being gay for like an hour or so, it was really cool.. then we went upstairs and smashed haha. i stayed with him but didn't get a wink of sleep, ive never tried to sleep in a bed with another person in it before and for sure not a naked person spooned up on me i think i had a boner all night

so i feel like i made a good move last night, though it was weird this morning and i felt kind of guilty/dirty for some reason, ive heard thats not unusual though.

 

[keefersweeper]

oh! and my mom and dad are coming up soon on my list i was going to tell my dad today over lunch but have found my mind to be racing enough one day

 

[trikky]

Hey man that is so cool about your friend. At least now you have a gay friend who you can get support from when you need it. I'm so glad for you man. Did you suspect he was gay or was it a total surprise?

 

[keefersweeper]

oh i pretty much knew for a long time he was gay and i still really regret what went down with the sex and all, that was totally NOT what i was looking for in him, it just kind of happend but oh well.

on a much lighter note i was able to get in touch with my friend from work last night and as ironic as it may be he had to drive his boyfriend and drop him off in charlotte, so i asked to come alog to keep him from falling asleep (we didn't get back till 6am). on that trip i came out to him and his boyfriend and then we had a whole 8hr roadtrip to talk about it, it was much more productive.

so i guess that makes 3 people that i have actually come out to, i really want my dad to be next thats going to be the hardest one yet.

but thank you everyone i really dont think that i could have done this, at least not as progressively with out your help with your posts, not just to my inquiry but others as well. this forum and those who run it are invaluable resources to people trying to find their way into their true identity... it has pretty pictures too haha

love you all
paul