How should I define this relationship?

[onetimething]

Back in March, I hooked up with a guy from Craig's List. This hook-up was initially supposed to be a one shot deal. However, we both enjoyed ourselves and found us coming back for seconds. Seconds turned into thirds and thirds into fourths. Before I knew it, we were seeing each other every weekend, exchanging several lengthy friendly emails a week, and going out and doing things in public together, a novelty for someone like myself who is closeted.

After several months of this, I began to question whether or not my friend thought more of me than I did of him. Were he and I unbeknownst to me, actually dating? I had made clear early on in our talks that I was not looking for a relationship, and was actually averse to starting in one, not feeling that it was the right time in my life or that I was ready for one. However, taking a step back and looking at it somewhat objectively, the line became very fuzzy. For all intents and purposes, we did most of what any other dating couple would do. We would rent movies and watch them at his place, go out to eat, go hiking, go to the beach, talk with one another several times a week, and of course, have sex. It seems like the only way we weren't a couple was in not officially proclaiming ourselves to be, and the lack of exclusivity. I started to wonder how my friend saw this relationship. Things he said over email and in person every so often made it sound as if he believed us to be in a romantic relationship whereas I was viewing the situation more as a friends with benefits situation. He's a terrific guy, but there's a whole slew of reasons why I don't believe he and I would be a good match for a long-term relationship.

I moved out of the area back in October without having a concrete answer as to what the status of our relationship was, or at least if we were on the same page. The emails continued, and again, they seemed to hint at the fact that he felt things were more serious than I did, becoming very heartfelt and emotional at times. It made me a little concerned, feeling like as much as it's a conversation I would rather not have, that this is something that I will have to address with him because I simply do not see things the same way as him, and do not want to string him along with the hope that he and I are in a relationship or that he should be waiting around for me. Then lo and behold, three times within the past two months, I have cruised on over to Craig's List in my old city and seen that he has placed ads on the site. It surprised me but was a relief in a sense as well as it sort of showed me that he wasn't just waiting for me and most likely does not think we are in a relationship.

I am still getting mixed messages from him though. He has told me that he will be coming up for his birthday, to treat himself to a Broadway show here in New York. He asked me to come along and told me he will pay for the ticket and buy only the "best tickets in the house". In the past, he wanted to buy me an expensive watch for my birthday and a fancy present for Christmas, although I stopped both of those, because it just felt....odd to me. Where I'm coming from, he and I are friends, and in my world, friends don't buy me such nice things (of course, my friends are also poor), so I'd feel like accepting them would in a way be leading him on. I get very uncomfortable with people buying me things, and with the idea of him spending upwards of $100 just for my company beside him at this play. He is older than I am and has significantly more money, so perhaps I'm viewing things through my youthful peasant prism. I told him that I will take him out to dinner afterwards, as broke as I am, in an effort to make up for the money he spent on the tickets (of course, I won't tell him that's my intention).

I guess I'm just a little confused. At times it seems to me like he acts like we are in a relationship. Then on the flip side, I question whether or not it's just a difference in personality, age and status, in that his behavior as a friend, is not the slightest abnormal to him whereas to me it connotes something more. It's the sort of thing where I feel like I should probably approach this topic at some point, but it's a subject I can't seem to find the right time or way to broach.

 

[pausanias_usa]

Some of the best relationships are those you "slip" into -- simply because you both arrived at that situation "naturally" instead of "forced by one party or the other."

If he has the money to spend on you, don't sweat it that you can't reciprocate: he's doing it because he wants to do so, not because he wants something from you.

Keep it up as a friendship, but realize that until you make the statement that YOU consider it a "relationship," he will always be looking for the next guy.

And that's your fault, not his.

 

[G-Lexington]

There's a person who holds the answer to your questions, but I don't think he's here on JUB. Ask him. You're allowed to ask what his intentions are, to ask "Are you and me gonna happen?" You may not like the answer, but it's probably better to know than not know.

Lex

 

[onetimething]

Keep it up as a friendship, but realize that until you make the statement that YOU consider it a "relationship," he will always be looking for the next guy.

And that's your fault, not his.

And that IS what I want. I'm not sure of the impression I gave in my post, but I am not looking to be in a relationship with him. I would rather continue with the relationship as I see it, as a friends with benefits situation. My concern however is whether HE views us as in a relationship due to the mixed signals I've been getting.

I think it's the money thing more than anything that makes me uneasy. He's in his forties and successful. I'm in my twenties and sort of struggling. He's established, and I'm just starting out. In the past, he's offered not just gifts but to help me out financially if need be. Perhaps this is just something that friends do, as he seems to be a very generous guy with his other friends, but it's not something that I, with my litany of friends in similar financial states, has any experience with. I guess that's where the mixed signals for me come from in that I couldn't fathom spending $100 for a friend to attend a show with me but I COULD imagine spending that much as a gift to a boyfriend or girlfriend. But like I said, he may not view things the same.

You're right though G-Lexington. The only way I can know for sure is to ask him outright the status of our relationship. I do think that we're actually on the same page with things based on the fact that he has fooled around with other guys since we've been "together" and the fact that when he talks about future plans of his, it's not the talk of someone who's in a relationship, but it's just that every so often he'll do or say something that gives me pause. Well, only one way to find out I guess....

 

[mascbiguy]

friends with benefits never work when you start to actually hang out and do things together, then the line gets blurred, and you end up in a relationship.


it's up to you to bring up the subject and let him know where you stand. and if you continue to have sex cut back on the movie nights, the gifts, spending time together, and just meet up for sex. with a simple "how are things" and be on your way.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I see very little benefit coming out of your present deliberation.

Neither you nor him have ever stated that you are deeming yourselves to be in any sort of committed relationship. Thus, you are not, regardless of the mixed signals he might be sending now and then.

You ought to be applauded for not leading this guy on, and trying to milk him out of his money.

Human relationships are far more about the actions and behavior than about the words we use to describe them. So, do as you find fit and appropriate, and do not worry too much about the wording.

Your friend is probably very happy to spend some of his cash on you. Accept this graciously and do not feel obliged to reciprocate. He does as he pleases, and unless otherwise stipulated, his actions do not create any obligation on your part. Keep in mind that we all have very different ideas of 'how much is a lot' when it comes to cash. Accepting 'an expensive' gift is by no means any indication of any of your obligations to him.

Judging by your post here, you do have a good head on your shoulders. If you do not see this dude as the man you would want to be in a serious relationship with, so be it. However, you want to give this a second thought. You have been spending time together and enjoying each other's company. Sex has been good enough to become a 'repeated affair', if you will? Admittedly, you never confessed to being madly in love with this guy, but staying in a non-committed relationship (think of his CL posts), might be just about the best thing that has happened to you.

At times, we only know what we have had, once we lose it.

SC

 

[Just_Believe18]

I've seen this happen to a friend of mine.

The guy likes you. He also feels a little confused about where the two of you stand. I think he is waiting for you to have a discussion with him about your "thing." His hints allude that he wouldn't mind pursuing a relationship. And why not? You get along, hang out together, have good sex, and possess all the attributes a normal couple would have.

I think his ads on Craigslist shows his maturity that he isn't obsessing over it and is doing his best not to live his life with the hopes of you one day returning his affection for you.

Advice? Have the discussion. Say, "Hey, have you ever wondered where we stood?" And go from there. It can provide closure for the both of you and perhaps solidify the friends w/ benefits arrangement you desire. However, friends w/ benefits are usually brief and temporary. This may well already be finishing.

 

[KaraBulut]

You know... there's nothing wrong with fuckbuddies actually liking and caring about each other.

Is having a label for it going to change things for worse or for better?

 

[Treborf]

You know... there's nothing wrong with fuckbuddies actually liking and caring about each other.

Is having a label for it going to change things for worse or for better?

I agree with this. If it aint broke, don't fix it.

 

[onetimething]

You know, I've been thinking things over and reading the responses, and the more I think about it, the more I question why it is that I'm confused or feel the need to question what we've got going.

My concern in him viewing this as a romantic relationship was mostly based on the assumption that in doing so, he would deprive himself of the opportunity to meet other guys either to satisfy his physical needs or his emotional needs. I didn't want him waiting around for me, especially if he desired a real romantic long-term relationship, as that's something that I'm unprepared for. The fact that he has placed ads on Craig's List shows me that he is keeping his options open, which is really what I wanted. I just didn't want to string him along. He's a great guy but there's a slew of reasons why I feel a long-term relationship between the two of us wouldn't work.

With that said, I actually don't think I'm going to ask him about how he defines us, because knowing that he is searching for other guys pretty much placates me as it shows that he's not holding out for me. I'm not sure why I hadn't come to this realization before. Maybe I just needed to bounce ideas off of some others for it to really sink in.