How Should I Feel About This?

[Ambition92]

I've been seeing this guy going on 6 months now. He's 19, I'm 25. I'd say it's the first time I've ever really clicked with someone on a physical and emotional level. We both like the same goofy/geeky stuff, similar sense of humour and generally have a great time together.

However, this week when we were hanging out the subject of sex came up. He had never bottomed or really had a lot of sexual experience with men until we got together, and I'm honestly not sure if he truly enjoys bottoming so I told him he didn't have to if he didn't want to. He said "no, that's not an issue". The way he said it made it sound like something was wrong so I prompted that. He tried to dodge it but I kept pushing and he ultimately told me that he isn't as physically attracted to me as he was when we first started dating. I played it down but it definitely stung. I could tell he felt very bad for telling me this.

So a little history of me - I was a bigger guy when I was younger but lost a lot of weight. I went from about 260 to my lowest which was 170. I'll admit that when we started dating I had probably inched back up to 180, which I'm trying to watch again at this point but in the last six months I haven't noticeably changed in my appearance. Either way, when you lose that amount of weight a little bit always sticks with you and in this case I still have a bit of a belly unfortunately.

I guess what I'm asking is given that I pushed for this reveal, should I feel bad about the revelation? I appreciate that he was honest with me, but I can't help but feel insecure. We talked for a little while afterward trying to figure out where to go and he insisted he didn't want to break up with me because he's still generally attracted to me and we get along so well and I'm very nice to him. But if you're not physically attracted to someone then how can you keep going in a relationship? I'll just feel weird being naked in front of him now, which in and of itself was a hurdle I had to overcome with dating guys after my weight loss.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? How did you handle it? Did you persevere or call it quits? I still plan on further discussing it with him but in the meantime was hoping to get some other opinions on the situation.

 

[mcbrion]

First of all, it's to your credit that you wanted to know the truth. So many guys would just have pushed this aside, NOT wanting to know. That it was not the 'reveal' you'd hoped for does not diminish the fact of your wanting to be enlightened about what was real in the relationship. That'll help you more as life goes on than you realize at this moment.
The news sucks, of course, but perhaps you need not blame this on having a slight belly. HOWEVER, if this is truly the whole issue - and you think he's worth becoming Chris Hemsworth for, then set your sights on losing weight. Slowly and healthily. In the meantime, you need to be sure this is not just his way of 'letting you down nicely,' meaning he has NO attraction and will start withdrawing in stages (i.e., texting less, calling less...just less time with you all around). Ask him 'what's changed' since we started dating, because you like him, and if it's something you can address, you'd like to know. This will give him to chance to let you know if your increased physical size is the reason for his diminished ardor. (It does happen). It will also give you the opportunity to to find out if he wants out.
Physical attraction waxes and wanes over time, but you're pretty young guys, and I think most of us older guys know - from having lived longer - that usually the attraction (at your age) doesn't just disappear that quickly. (Unless he wants out, or has someone else he's become interested in). There are things that increase physical attraction: if he's romantic, send him a sweet - but not overly mushy - card. Thru the mail. Not email. US Postal Service mail. You'd be surprised how just the act of buying a card, having to address an envelope and putting a stamp on it can be erotic to the recipient (since so few people do it these days that it almost seems like you have declared that you will go on a quest to win him (look up 'quest' if you don't know the word, kids) and make him smile inside. And it's minimal output to see if he's the kind of guy who'll think 'how sweet is that?' and start moving towards you again. Physical love is not always strictly physical: it can be a look in someone's eye that turns you on, the door you hold for him. LOTS of things that people have forgotten about can turn a guy on. Remember, Cleopatra was no raving beauty, yet she ensnared some pretty desirable (for the times) men. Learn two or three facts about his favorite movie character, hobby, or something he's really hot for (outside of sexual interests) and casually mention them, and see if that doesn't elicit a spark of 'wow, you know about that?!?' from him.
Young sexual love can be turned on easier than you think. He likes facial hair? Grow a mustache. Goatee. You'll be shocked at how ardor can increase over small things.
Good Luck.

 

[jaysizzles]

Since he didn't have much experience prior to your relationship, I think he may have been initially attracted to the idea of having a boyfriend and having sex, and not necessarily attracted to you physically. This is not to say that he doesn't care for you, because it seems he does. You have fun together and a lot in common, and attraction can change for the better as emotions deepen. He says he doesn't want to break up....accept him at his word and don't dwell on that one conversation...it will be the demise of your relationship if you do. Continue on your path of improving yourself...for you though, not for him. But as for him, perhaps some small romantic gestures on your part may further increase his emotional attraction to you.

 

[Ambition92]

Thanks for the advice guys! It's very helpful. I'm looking forward to diving deeper into the issue and how we can both move past it, IF we can move past it. He does seem adamant that he wants to still be with me, so perhaps it is more than just my physical appearance that's been on his mind.

 

[TX-Beau]

Gay guys who finally go for it get infatuated with the freedom, usually think that's love, then discover otherwise when the options that have opened up occur to them. It's not malicious, but it is common.

Everyone has body issues, back when I lived in WEHO, the hottest guys had body issues. In the gym 24/7 perfectly groomed, perfectly sculpted, and still not happy with the result. There was always something.

I understand this. I'm a total perfectionist, and no matter how good my shit looks from the outside, unless I make a conscious effort to tell myself otherwise, the only thing I'll see are flaws. The trick of it is if you want to be happy, is to find a way for YOU to be happy with YOU, and fuck everyone else. If that means gym cut with a wicked 8 pak go for it, if that means pudgy geeky gamer happy with his xbox, go for it.

Who are YOU, even if you have a belly you will attract guys if you are comfortable and confident in yourself.

 

[KaraBulut]

Honestly, insecurity will undermine a relationship more than 10 pounds will.

You're projecting your own baggage onto the relationship. Sometimes relationships just cool off and change into friendships. It's really up to you to decide whether you want to continue with the relationship.

If you're generally happy with the friendship and you're generally satisfied with the sex, it might be that you want to keep things where they are. If you're not happy and you're not satisfied then you're settling for less than you want and less than you deserve.

I guess what I'm asking is given that I pushed for this reveal, should I feel bad about the revelation?

Just because you don't talk about an issue doesn't mean that the issue doesn't exist and will go away on its own. When there's an issue in a relationship, you're better off getting it out in the open and discussing it. It's the only way that the two of you will have an opportunity to work on it together.

 

[eastofeden]

I can tell you with certainty that no matter who you are with..there will be thousands..maybe even millions...of men who are going to please him sexually better than you can. There are also going to be men who are as or far more compatible with whoever you choose as a mate than you.

One way to get past any insecurity on your part..it would be the same for you. You have better matches and are more sexually compatible with countless men you have never met. So many people spend waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too much of their life in mental hell trying to be someone other than who they are or trying to adhere to a standard someone else set for you.

I would trust him MORE because of his answer...it is the right answer. I see no reason to leave him..honesty is a very hard thing to find in someone. When you have gold..don't trade it for aluminum.

No matter who you are with or what you look like...it will always be the truth. Even if you love who you are and love your body....still the truth.

If you want to move up on his scale...figure out his/your kink or what turns him/you on..experiment....you can become alot more sexually compatible if you explore your sexuality together.

 

[sixthson]

As others have said, your bf could go out and find lots of guys that he is physically attracted to, but after experiencing that he would find out that physical attraction alone is not enough. You have to connect on a deeper level. Maybe your bf realizes that and is trying to work through it. If you push this too much, you might make it a bigger issue between you than it needs to be.
While your age difference is not a big deal, he is only 19 and the relationship is only six months old. You barely know each other.
Slow down the intensity and get to know each other. The better you know each other, the deeper the love will be. At this point you don't really know which direction this will take yet.