How to approach an unapproachable guy

[hanshansen]

So I like this guy, etc. etc.

He works at my city’s main library, and he's one of the most attractive people I’ve met in my life. He has the looks, he has the charisma, he is clearly a people person, he makes eye contact in a very open and calm and friendly way, he’s aware he’s attractive (tight tops etc.), he has a slightly feminine ‘snakiness’ in his movements which really gets to me. I’ve shown him twice that I like him (through eye contact, etc.), the second time we both smiled and there was a ‘spark’ of some kind, I saw that he noticed.

I do not necessarily want to get into his pants. I would really like to get to know him and see where that leads, and enjoy the release of endorphins in his presence. But I have no idea how to do this. If he was linked to my social network, that would be OK. If I saw him every morning in the local coffee shop, I could legitimately start making conversation. But I only go to the library once or twice a week, and he isn’t there all the time, and even if he is, I’m likely to get served by someone else.

Is there any chance in hell of moving beyond discreet non-verbal flirting in this situation? How should I do this (in a way that acknowledges my dignity and his)? Several weeks ago (that was before the spark) he went over to the DVD shelf where I was browsing and stood next to me for about 20 seconds sorting some DVDs. I could have made some kind of small talk (question about the kind of movie I was looking for?) but didn’t have the guts and just stood there studying the back cover of my DVD. I don’t know when that kind of opportunity might arise again.

The more fundamental question, of course, is whether I should simply get over this. Let me provide some context for why I don't want to. I first posted on this board last December, because at 27 I was socially underdeveloped, completely closeted, and had never been in any relationships. It was really bad. Some water has flowed under the bridge since then. I’ve built up some kind of a social life, in the sense that I meet up with people, go to parties, have made new friends, etc. After always living with my parents or alone, I’ve moved into a great apartment with roommates who I get on with and feel comfortable around (though not out to them). I talked about my sexual issues with my father (once), have got to know some gay people through going to a local group, and found I actually like some of them. I’ve been on a couple of quasi-dates with two girls and a guy (the guy was one one of the people in the gay group). I’ve been to gay drinks evenings. I learned I can do these things without having to out myself to everybody. Most importantly, after a lot of moral anxiety and soul-searching I think I’ve finally accepted my sexuality, in the sense that I can say to myself, ‘this alone does not define whether or not I’m a good person, and I'm not going to waste my energy trying to fight it, I’ve got better things to do.’

So for the very first time in my life I feel the genuine possibility of acknowledging and following up a sexual attraction. And I’m really attracted to very few people. I’m not at all attracted to people who are basically unavailable (beyond acknowledging, ‘s/he’s good-looking’). So far I’ve never had an emotional attraction develop into something else. In other words, it feels as if something like this happens to me once in a blue moon, and I would really regret it if I just let it slide.

 

[G-Lexington]

He's obviously not unapproachable, since he actually approached you once. Next time you're in close proximity, introduce yourself. Quietly, of course. "We keep running into each other, but I've never introduced myself. I'm Hans." Then, ask for a recommendation. "I'd really like to see (or read) something a bit different. Is there anything you might recommend?"

Lex

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Why would he be an unapproachable guy?

You say, he is a people's person? How come, he is at the same time unapproachable? He is not. Librarians are rarely unapproachable.

Come up with a plan. Invite him over to a function on your calendar. Tell him you have got tickets for that movie, concert, something next week and that you'd love to give him one, if you can? Nothing is a better starter than an act of generosity.

Don't push your envelope too far but show some initiative. Say, you have got a few books that you do not need and would want to donate to the library. Does he know, how you go about doing that?

He'll react one way or the other and you can pick it up from there. It is called guts and you need those a lot in your daily life. No one is really born with them but we all acquire them through hard work

SC

 

[hanshansen]

Yeah, 'unapproachable' isn't quite right. 'How to approach a guy' was already taken as a thread title, I had to come up with something, and it was after midnight ...

Innocent-Lad, you've sort of got what I was trying to get at. You can't approach strangers (including giving them tickets) without building up some common ground first. They would ask why, and have no way to evaluate you.

So, a plan.

I'd need to go to the library a little more often. At the moment I'm just getting out DVDs. That costs money, and time to watch them. Maybe I can get into the habit of getting out magazines.

I need to have a couple more encounters like the recent one, so that he and I get used to interacting with each other and I become a more familiar face.

Because I now know what I want, I should be able to grasp another opportunity where we're in closer proximity when it next arises. To talk about something library-related with potential for follow-up (could you recommend ... I'll let you know how it was).

If I'm eventually going to invite him to a function on my calendar, I'd like it to be something that involves other people, because that is a far less loaded proposition. That may require coming out as bi to one part of my circle of friends which, I think, would take that info in its stride. Why would I need to do that? Because this guy gives off a gay vibe, and without any preparation other people would have to adjust to what that might mean 'in real time''.

This will need some hard work and patience. That's the sense in which he's unapproachable. It could take half a year, and at any stage turn out to be a dead end. But I guess that's OK, so long as I don't stop creating and following up other opportunities at the same time.

 

[3nipples]

If DVDs are too expensive (I find this hard to believe) then what about books? In any case, asking him for advice about what to watch/read gives you an opportunity to talk to him about it afterwards and then get another recommendation and so on. When a new movie comes out that matches his taste in films, you could invite him to it as a thanks for providing all the advice...

 

[Eagle653]

Since he works in a library, one of the things he does for a living is help people do their research, or help them use the library. Figure out what his area of expertise is, and invent a research question that requires his consultation. Offer to buy him lunch (or dinner) in return for his consultation on tackling your research interests. You can play it from there.

Alternatively, you can just strike up a conversation with him in the stacks (or where ever) and make small talk and, in a friendly way, get to know him. See if he recriprocates by asking you questions trying to get to know you--or even what you're looking up in the library.

Take it from there. If he has the spark too, and is interested in you, he will more than meet you half-way in your attempts at trying to get to know him.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!

 

[hanshansen]

If DVDs are too expensive (I find this hard to believe) then what about books?

The DVDs are about $4 a DVD and I'm a little budget-constrained ... and I don't have the time to read as many books as I used to.

This leads me to a more general question: I hate doing things with ulterior motives. Ideally, I'd like to get out things from the library at my previous 'optimal rate', and if I come into contact with this guy, that's a nice bonus. But that (contact) might naturally happen twice a month, if I'm lucky. So to what extent should I allow myself to push things (create constellations rather than exploit them)? I've caught myself checking whether he's at the issues or returns desk, and the only reason I came into contact with him last time was that I waited until the other issues desk was busy. If one does that more than very sparingly, I would say it's a little pathetic, if not creepy.

 

[G-Lexington]

It's good planning if you do it once or twice. It's only creepy if you do it over and over again, and never make a move. I'd say plan on doing it one more time, and make your move then.

Lex

 

[heatseeker]

< I would really like to get to know him and see where that leads, and enjoy the release of endorphins in his presence. >

just wanted to say, love that sentence

 

[mac_twck]

I have no idea where you live but here everything in the library is FREE. OK.

Once again a conversation starter could be.."Hello, my name is Hans." Hopefully he will respond in kind and you can take it from there. Maybe he is hoping YOU will be the ice breaker....

 

[hanshansen]

I have to give this up.

First, it has developed into a full-blown infatuation/obsession. It has eaten into my sleep. And you cannot interact properly with someone in that state. When I have been in the library and seen that he was there, it was the whole deal - dry mouth, blood rushing to head, risk of voice cracking etc. Also, while I don't necessarily want to get into his pants, I do want to get 'into' him in some sense (his mind, his radar screen, his circle of friends), much in the same way that a celebrity stalker would. That is not good.

Secondly, it has proven impossible to get face to face with him. He has either not been there that day, or his shift just ended when I arrived - once when I was walking directly towards the issue desk. It could even be that he has started avoiding me, who knows.

I have been turning around multiple strategies in my head to get to know him better. Library smalltalk just isn't going to do it. What I settled on finally was that I was going (when getting out or returning a book) to invite him, point blank, to my housewarming party next Saturday. That's what I've been trying to do unsuccessfully the last few days as Saturday moves closer. But this evening it became clear to me that I'd be hijacking my own party for an ulterior motive which would end up dominating everything else, and quite a few people have high expectations for that party and will put a lot of effort into making it special. I'm also not out, and I would have to deal with that (in my head I had this idea of coming out to my flatmate and asking him to invite the lesbians from downstairs, to balance things out ...).

So that's the third reason why it's not a goer. For the time being at least. It's a shame, because I do not feel this way about 99 per cent of the population. And it would be nice to live out those feelings, for once.

 

[rareboy]

Good lord.

I don't get something here. You want to get to know him as a friend, not necessarily as a fuck buddy or husband and you are having trouble because you have an ulterior motive?

Stop strategizing. Stop being such a puss about the whole thing. Don't give him invitations to house parties or concerts or anything until you've just had the common courtesy to just have a little library based chat. It must be one of the safest environments for finding out his interests and attitudes without any emotional investment.

Maybe he'll turn out to be a dick. Maybe he has a bf. Maybe he'll find you interesting and attractive.

After your chat, then ask him if he has time for a coffee some day to carry on your discussion.

Live your life, don't only fantasize about it.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Caution, you may find that the business appearance is not the same as a more personal persona. So be somewhat cautious. But do not be afraid. What have you got to lose?

The next time he has you as his customer, and the sooner the betteer, ask him when his next work break is and if he would like to go with you to get a Coke or Pepsi and chat. If you offer to buy it or to treat him, it may more than likely get you the chance to move beyond the present dance you are doing.

If you still feel the same way or even more, ask him if you could meet for dinner or for a walk through the park after work. Be slow and not desperate in your approach, and if things develop, great, if you discover he is not who you thought, you will not go further.

You could use the recommendation of a research for information or whatever he can do at the library, but take him away from work where it is about the two of you.
Shep+

 

[hanshansen]

I don't get something here. You want to get to know him as a friend, not necessarily as a fuck buddy or husband and you are having trouble because you have an ulterior motive?

Well, I guess at some level that wasn't true. I know you need to have open expectations, that you need to start small, that we might or might not turn out to be compatible etc. But at an irrational level I am extremely attracted to him and I have some vague goal of getting closer to him than a friend (should that turn out to be feasible) at the back of my mind. That makes everything I say (or consider saying) feel very loaded and like a means to another end.

Look, I've been (mildly) attracted to a variety of people, both girls and boys, in the past. That was just strong enough to make me want to be nicer and more charming than I usually am, but it didn't dominate the atmosphere, there was some adrenaline but I could easily handle it. This is much stronger than that, it's the difference between having had a glass of wine and being drunk. It's clouding my judgement, I'm not used to it, and I'm afraid that it'll show up if I try to make innocuous, safe library-related conversation. I'd be saying 'have you read other books by author X' and my eyes would be saying, 'I think you're incredibly beautiful'. Or so I fear. As I said, I made meaningful eye contact before, and he picked up on that. I got an incredible rush out of that.

That's why this is so difficult. I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me how I could put the genie back into the bottle. Should I take a break from the library for a couple of weeks?

Stop strategizing. Stop being such a puss about the whole thing. Don't give him invitations to house parties or concerts or anything until you've just had the common courtesy to just have a little library based chat. It must be one of the safest environments for finding out his interests and attitudes without any emotional investment.

Maybe he'll turn out to be a dick. Maybe he has a bf. Maybe he'll find you interesting and attractive.

After your chat, then ask him if he has time for a coffee some day to carry on your discussion.

Live your life, don't only fantasize about it.

Sure, that all makes total sense. Thank you for that.

But I need to know how to deal with the stuff further up.