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How to approach this?

N

Nerd12

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Hi guys,

Okay, well I'm in a situation that I kind of don't have anyone to talk to about so maybe someone here can help me out. So here it goes...

One of my closest friends and her girlfriend sort of introduced me to one of her girlfriend's closest friends. Her gf used to live in florida and she met him there but he ended up moving in with his grandparents in another state close to California (keeping it private for his sake...I guess?) so when my friend's gf moved up to Jersey, she kept telling me about her friend which I'll refer to as John. She always said that she thought we'd be a great match and that he was going to move to Jersey so it would be perfect if they introduced us. I honestly didn't take it seriously because a lot of people have done the whole "I'm going to introduce you with..." and never go through with it and besides, he's so far away!

Well my friend and her gf finally decided to "introduce" us so they made him a facebook account where he added me and we messaged back and forth for a while before exchanging phone numbers. I'm really glad that they introduced us because we're very very similar and he's such a cool dude and for such a long time, I've felt like I've lacked a close guy friend to speak with so I was pretty happy to finally have one. I guess the one concern I have is that I don't want to send out the wrong message to him. You see, I've only really "talked" to two other guys and they all started the same way...through an online site and then through phone and then meeting but it just never worked out because with both guys... we couldn't meet too often even though they were both between 10 to 20 minutes away from me so it always fell apart and I just don't want to do that again because 1. I have some not-so-good experiences with it and 2. he's so much more farther than the guys I did talk to like that and although he's so determined to come to NJ after school this summer, I don't think it's all too likely he will or at least, I'm not getting my hopes up about it.

So yeah, everytime we talk it seems like he flirts a lot and he'll say sweet things to me which is cool but maybe because of my past experiences, I'm not feeling the same way about him. I would tell him that right now I only see him as a friend but it's difficult to tell him that because I'm the only gay guy he knows, one of the few friends he has, and he really likes talking to me. You see, he moved in with his grandparents because of family problems and he doesn't have too many friends because the people in his town or all potheads and what not so he has told me that it's such a relief for him to be able to talk to someone. I don't want to tell him I just see him as a friend for now because I know I'm more than maybe a crush to him...I'm kinda like an answer to all his problems...a friend that could ease any lonliness (sp?), a gay guy that he can finally relate to, and just a phone call that he can look forward to.

I would feel terrible telling him that I don't see him in any other way other than a friend for whatever reason and shattering all that I am to him because of it but then again, I don't want to lead him on and then if he does come over it doesn't work out or even if he can't come over, he'll be upset that he won't be able to meet me. Any ideas on what I should do?

Sorry, I didn't realize this was long, haha. Hope I clarified everything.
 
Peculiar.

It's a phone pen pal, what's not to understand?

I think you're reading too much into it. Be his phone friend I guess. If you ever meet him, who knows it might be fun. But I think that you're completely overanalysing the situation and thinking too far ahead.
 
Nerd12 said:
Any ideas on what I should do?
Click to expand...

Yes, you should stop self-sabotaging.

You're putting a lot of effort into building up walls and reasons as to why this won't work out- many of which are based upon past relationships that are totally irrelevant to your current relationship.

Put that same effort into your current relationship and you'll find out that it will be much easier to make it work.
 
Hi guys,

Phone pen pals.... that's an interesting way to look at it. But yeah, I wasn't aware that I was overanalyzing it, I kinda felt that I was just concerned. But anyway, I agree with you KaraBulut, I did feel like I was putting up walls and not going into it 100% but only because of the likeliness that something will actually happen since the chances are slim right now.

I spoke with him again and he told me that he plans on asking me out when he comes over here (which is not even close to being somewhat certain). It was sweet and nice and it seems like he really meant it but....I don't know if I'm still overthinking it but I don't really know what to say like that. Like, it was really nice for him to say that but I'm not only looking out for myself but for him also. Am I still overthinking it?? I mean, even when it comes to the present and not the future, what would I say to that because remember, I see him as a friend right now but if I tell him that, I have a feeling it would really upset him because of what he tells me talking to me does for him.

Thanks for the advice guys.
 
Still overthinking it...

Take it for what it is, and don't get hung up on it. Otherwise this faux relationship will prevent you from meeting someone who is actually there physically.
 
Friends meet, they take each other out, friendship is a very special sort of relationship. Too many people equate the word relationship with sex. You are over analyzing. Nurture the friendship and enjoy it as he evidently does. Don't close your mind to deepening the friendship "just in case it doesn't work out" If you never take any chances you will have a sad and lonely life!
 
Nerd12 said:
Am I still overthinking it??
Click to expand...

Yes.

He's asking you out on a date. You're not going to pick out a china pattern for your engagement.

Let's think through what can happen:
  1. The two of you go out, you like each other but there's no spark and you decide to be friends.
  2. The two of you go out, you really hit it off and you decide to have a second date.

OK. Which one of these two scenarios is the problem here?
 
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