How to ask someone if he's gay

[california87]

Hey guys, I'm turning to this forum for advice because I don't really know where else to go.
Here's the situation:
I'm bi and very much in the closet. No one knows. I'm in a fraternity and I know it would change my interaction with the guys.

The last few weeks I've started to think one of our new members is gay or at least bi. He's very soft spoken, makes very deep eye contact, dresses sort of gay, never really seems to talk to girls much other than ones who are like best friends to him, and is overall somewhat effeminate. Some of the guys who are close with him make fun of him at times and say he's gay/bi.

Since I have been suspicious of him, I've developed a bit of a crush on him and really want to know for sure, but I can't take the risk of being found out myself if he's actually straight.
I was thinking of taking him out for dinner and just nicely asking him, without making a big deal of it. But I really don't know if he will be honest with me, despite the fact we have grown somewhat close.
I want to act soon because this is really starting to drive me nuts. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

 

[altlover85]

california87, if you can't take the risk of him finding out about you, then I wouldn't ask him until you trust him some more. I think bw92116 is on target with his advice.

 

[Rand]

Cali,

If you truly are not ready to "come-out", you should stay away from your fraternity brothers. There will be no secret if you two start having a relationship. I hope you can be a friend without getting physical. Maybe the friendship will provide you with the impetus and courage to come out to your brothers. But if you don't want to risk that, you'd best stay not get emotionally or physically involved.

Just my take on the situation-

Rand

 

[california87]

Thanks for your advice guys. It's really a tough situation for me and part of me knows I shouldn't do anything but it's just so rare that I'm presented with an opportunity with another guy.

I've become pretty close friends with him and I think he trusts me. But I don't know if that's enough to get the truth out of him. I'm just at a loss of what to do.

 

[Seasoned]

Think about this: I don't want to put you on the spot but I do think you are expecting him to be something you're not. Turn the tables here. What would be your response if a brother asked this question of you. Of you can't risk taking the lead and letting him know a bit more about you before you ask him.

I understand where you are at in terms of coming out, but is it fair to put him on the spot? I thought the younger generation was more accepting. Does your frat have a written non-discrimination policy?

Perhaps your mission with the new member is to work together to enlighten the others. You two are not alone in that frat. Do not do anything that puts you in danger but don't ask someone else to do what you're not able to do.

It would be great if the two of you became buds and caused change, not as cool if you just hide under the blankets together, exciting fun perhaps, but not much progress conquering fear.

Good luck on this journey.

 

[altlover85]

Thanks for your advice guys. It's really a tough situation for me and part of me knows I shouldn't do anything but it's just so rare that I'm presented with an opportunity with another guy.

I've become pretty close friends with him and I think he trusts me. But I don't know if that's enough to get the truth out of him. I'm just at a loss of what to do.

I would make sure you separate out any crush feelings from the possible asking of this question. It's fine if you want to know if he's gay, but to have expectations of something else could be a recipe for disaster.

I think the best thing for you to do is get to know him better and if possible stick up for him if others are making of him by saying he's gay or bi.

Does your campus have an LGBT organization or group? Perhaps that's a group you would want to join, assuming your frat brothers aren't too involved in your daily activities.

 

[LGNTexas]

I am "dead" to about 98% of my "Brothers Forever" after being outed in my frat. At least I save some postage on Christmas cards and wedding gifts as I was removed from most all lists. I walked around the frat house feeling like a ghost, nobody would even look at me. I avoided meal times then, and when I would go into the bathrooms, others would quickly get out, so I got so I waited until the middle of the night to bathe when the gang showers would be empty. Finally, I overdosed on sleeping pills and the Dean of Students had me removed from campus so I could get psychiatric care. So be careful about coming out to your "brothers". I transferred to another university the next semester. Of course this was a couple of decades ago and I think today's youth are more open-minded than guys were "back in the day".

 

[california87]

Damn.. thanks for the replies... well I'm not trying to come out or anything. I'm quite content to keep quiet until I graduate. I just would like to know if this guy in question is gay/bi... Even if nothing romantic happened, it would be nice for both of us to have an ally. I just don't want to go on with the uncertainty..

I was thinking of maybe taking the approach of being flirtatious with him and seeing how he responds. I have done this on a couple occasions by text and he reciprocates, but I don't know if it's just joking around or not. Might just keep going and see what happens but it's driving me crazy!

 

[altlover85]

Damn.. thanks for the replies... well I'm not trying to come out or anything. I'm quite content to keep quiet until I graduate. I just would like to know if this guy in question is gay/bi... Even if nothing romantic happened, it would be nice for both of us to have an ally. I just don't want to go on with the uncertainty..

I was thinking of maybe taking the approach of being flirtatious with him and seeing how he responds. I have done this on a couple occasions by text and he reciprocates, but I don't know if it's just joking around or not. Might just keep going and see what happens but it's driving me crazy!

If you're being flirtatious you aren't exactly keeping everything under the radar. I still think if you aren't willing to come out, you should just accept that you may not find out if this guy is gay or not.

Again, is there a GLBT organization on your campus you can go to, to meet other gay people? If not, realize that by staying in the closet you may lose the privilege of finding out if others are gay.

 

[KaraBulut]

We get threads every now and then that are a bit like a poker game where both parties are waiting for the other to show their hand.

In your need to find someone else like you, don't assume that your straight friends won't be accepting and don't assume that every gay person is friend material.

There's nothing about being gay that makes a person special or particularly trustworthy. If you don't want everyone to know, then don't come out to a relative stranger.

If you want to know whether he would make a great friend, then ask him to dinner and get to know him. But don't expect him to confide in you unless you are willing to confide in him. And don't confide in him unless you're willing to risk being outed.

 

[erobert]

We get threads every now and then that are a bit like a poker game where both parties are waiting for the other to show their hand.

In your need to find someone else like you, don't assume that your straight friends won't be accepting and don't assume that every gay person is friend material.

There's nothing about being gay that makes a person special or particularly trustworthy. If you don't want everyone to know, then don't come out to a relative stranger.

If you want to know whether he would make a great friend, then ask him to dinner and get to know him. But don't expect him to confide in you unless you are willing to confide in him. And don't confide in him unless you're willing to risk being outed.

Wonderfully stated.

Waiting for the other guy to "blink" first will cause you to wait forever. Don't play games with people, just get to know him and come out to him eventually.

 

[california87]

Thanks for the responses. You all have made a lot of really good points to take into consideration.

 

[Seasoned]

At what point in your life will it be safe for you to come out? Do you really think you'll be more inclined once you're in the world of work? Never do anything that will make you unsafe, but confining in someone means coming out.

I'm not being insensitive. I waited until I was married and had two kids before I fully came out as gay. I wouldn't recommend that path for anyone.
You deserve to have a life based upon your true self.

 

[altlover85]

soreknees is right. Currently, college should be the time where you get start to explore coming out because you have the ability to have a fresh start. To waste the opportunity just makes things more difficult later on when you have real responsibilities and may be in a less accepting environment.