How to be comfortable with my sexuality?

[Seasoned]

Mike and Weeping Willow,

I was going to offer Mike my support, but decided that I would wait to see if someone who had recently gone through the same thing would respond. Good luck to both of you. It does get easier and less scary with time.

There's a huge gay family out there that knows what you are going through because they have already been there.

A clear mind and gay friends will also help.

It's your life and your story. Take it at your own pace.

 

[slnattak]

There's no quick solution.

Realistically it takes time and effort. It takes practice, trial and error.

You don't have to introduce yourself right away as a gay person. But if you do decide to come out, you should find a way to comfortably and honestly say it when asked about it. Prejudice against gay people doesn't go away until gay men come out the closet.

But you have to be in that place inwardly - otherwise other people will sense your uncomfortable-ness with it.

Internalized homophobia is a pretty common concept. Don't worry about it. You'll get through it. Things just take time and work.

Also. *Hug*

Remember it's really nobody's business what turns you on, I don't sit there and worry about what straight people get into- so why should they do the same to us? Talk about nosy people who need to get their own lives.

 

[KaraBulut]

How do I get out of this mindset of becoming so uncomfortable and putting up walls to the topic of my sexuality... something that is probably my own doing in order to keep my gayness secret. I really want to come out to my other close friends and my parents but I just can't because I will feel so awkward and uncomfortable around them... especially if they want to talk about it or something...

This is a common dilemma here. The question that I alway have in my mind is, "If you can't come out to your close friends, what kind of friends are they exactly?".

You may lose a few friends by being honest with them but- if that is the case- they probably we're that great of a friend to begin with.

It's actually less awkward after you come out to your friends. Afterward, you can be honest about what's going on in your life, you don't have to change pronoun genders in sentences (or use "they" instead of "he") and you don't always have to come up with a reason why you're not dating girls.

The goal of coming out is to give your friends the opportunity to ask the questions they have and to give you the opportunity to be honest in your answers. If you find that uncomfortable, then it is not your friends who are having the problem accepting your homosexualiity- it's you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yes I think it is me...but I don't know how to get myself to feel more comfortable with the topic so I can finally come out... is it gonna be constant forced exposure/discussion?

Everyone focused on the "telling my secret" part of coming out but really, that's the end of the process.

The first person- and the most difficult person- that you have to come out to is yourself.

To get there, you have to love yourself and you have to believe that you're entitled to the same basic rights as your friends.

So, if your friends can talk about finding girls hot, you should be able to talk about finding guys hot.

So, if your friends bitch about their girlfriends, you should be able to bitch about your boyfriend.

You'll find that when you're comfortable and matter-of-fact about your sexuality, other people will be too. And you and your friends will find that gay relationships and straight relationships aren't all that different- they're both equally frustrating.

 

[martin6]

... is it gonna be constant forced exposure/discussion?

Actually, that worked for me. When I was still a gay n00b, I forced myself to do something to be more open about my sexuality-- I was "hanging out" with this kid for a while, and at a party we were at I kissed him in front of everyone. It about scared the shit outta me before I did it but afterward, everything became a lot easier to deal with.

Just sayin...

 

[cityboi]

Once you graduate your world will open up. It won't be centered around the classmates you encounter every day. You can immerse yourself in things and people who interest you. If you go to college you'll meet a very diverse and open minded number of people. There should be a gay support group on campus. In the meantime, check out your greater community for a gay community center. I have gay and bi friends ranging from their mid 20's thru their early 70's. We all enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

 

[erobert]

Just my 2 cents.

I wouldn't say I'm now 100% comfortable with being gay either but I'm a whole lot more comfortable than I was a year ago and I'm a heck of a lot more comfortable with myself than I was in high school.

I still don't have a boyfriend and I'm only out to my sister but it's becoming a non-issue for me. Sure, I have moments where I think "my life would be easier if I was born straight" but my problems would just have a different context, they wouldn't be magically go away.

Three things helped me become more comfortable:

1. Reading self improvement material. I know some of it is cheesy but most of it really helps change your thoughts and perspective about life in general and also helps weed out negative or irrational thinking. Reading up on some psychology also helps too.

2. Reminding myself there's more to me than being gay. I'm not defined by my sexuality and neither is anyone else on this planet- straight, bi or gay. People learn I'm not really like the stereotype and that changes their view of the gay community. (Hopefully)

3. Refining my gaydar. This is very important because not only is it a useful sixth sense but it also expands your awareness of how many people are gay or bi and makes you more aware of human sexuality. When it feels like you're the only gay guy on the face of the planet your gaydar will pick out people to remind you that is definitely not the case.

Despite what you hear from some media corporations or homophobic remarks (homophobes are hiding something about themselves behind those homophobic remarks) this is the 21st century and people are more open minded than you realize. Most people don't care who you go to bed with, they're more concerned who they're going to bed with.

Plus, it helps that Iowa legalized gay marriage before California did. Just goes to show not everything is as it seems.

I am who I am. Nothing more, nothing less. People become more mature and open minded after they graduate high school and get out into the real world, including you.

Hope that helps.

 

[spencer]

Follow the, will it really matter in 10 years rule.

Your teacher talks about a gay topic during class and you're nervous antennae come up. Think to yourself, is that going to really affect me 10 years from now? In 10 years will this be important? Will this one instance in class, affect my future? Acknowledge it for a second, think about 10 years and close the subject and think about something else. Keep practicing and move on. It'll get better.